Devils @ Flyers, 02/08/10 Open Thread

Good evening, Gentle Readers! We’re sorry to say that Monday night + Blersus = no game diary. Instead, join us for an open thread!

IPB’s Newest Web-Footed Friend

Way back on December 18 the brilliant and talented Gentle Reader Jarhead_SGT blew our minds with this homemade Chuck the Duck. After we recovered from the staggering sense of awe, we wondered, “How did we not think of that?” Really, how could we not have our own Chuck the Duck? Especially when we already knew exactly how to make a felt duck. All we would need is the felt duck, a hockey sweater for it, a hockey helmet, and a cigar. It would be a piece of cake!

We started with a prototype, just to hammer out the logistics. Using craft-store felt, we constructed a shockingly cute little duck, then draped him for his Reebok slim-fit-style sweater. There was no small sense of thrilling accomplishment when we realized it was going to work.

Our prototype was so cute, we hated just to think of it as a mere step in the construction process. But when we talked about it, we couldn’t call it “Chuck” because “Chuck” was going to be the real duck. Chuck proper was going to made out of fancier materials, and dressed, and his beak was going to be stuffed the way the pattern called for (a step we forgot to do on the prototype). We named the model MiniChuck. And MiniChuck has been a boon companion lo these weeks while awaiting the arrival in the mail of the fancy wool felt we ordered online.

Yesterday, though, the pieces were all in place. The duck-making factory swung into action. And after hours of trimming and sewing and stuffing and fluffing, our masterpiece was complete.

Behold, Gentle Reader: MAXIMUM CHUCK!

None! None more Chuck!

Chuck likes to bask in the glory of our free giveaway Stanley Cup banners.

Chuck wears the very cutting edge of concussion-proof ping pong ball helmets.

Chuck is a brawny manly-man, whose chest measures a whopping entire inch across.

Because we’re very proud of cutting out such a small felt Devils logo, here’s another picture of it!

Chuck smokes only the finest hand-rolled construction-paper cigars.

A Canada goose can break a human’s shinbone with the force of its wings. For Chuck, that kind of damage is child’s play.

Chuck can fight with the best of them, but he’s also got soft hands. He’s everything a hockey fan could ask for.

This Chuck might not have the glamorous lifestyle of the real Chuck, with his speedboats and his exotic travels and his poutine, but he has one decided advantage over his namesake: no Stan.

Fischler-free since February 2010.

Devils @ Rangers, 2/6/10, And General Saturday Open Thread

You know how invigorated we are by the Devils’ miracle win last night, Gentle Reader? We are so invigorated that the following happened at stately IPB Manor this morning:

The scene: Central New Jersey, under a foot of snow. It’s late morning, and there are finally creatures stirring throughout the house. We sit in the living room, contemplating a day of quilting and eating M&Ms. Suddenly Pookie considers the lettuce we planted in the garden earlier this week.

There is a murmur of concern that the cold frame the lettuce is sheltered in in the garden could be crushed by the weight of all that snow.

On a normal day, we’d just shrug, be lazy, and figure if the Gardening Gods wanted us to have lettuce growing in February, they wouldn’t crush the cold frame.

But on a “holy shit, did you guys see the end of that Devils game last night?!?” day like today, Pookie springs up from the couch, throws on some warm winter layers, and makes her way through the elements to rescue our poor, shivering lettuce seeds from possible crushing.

Once she struggled though the snowed-under garden gate, we had this exchange:

Pookie, while bent over to the cold frame to sweep off the snow: “Are you getting pictures of it?”

Schnookie, huddled under the eave of the front door, sheltering the camera from the snow: “I can’t really get a view that shows what you’re doing.”

Pookie, rising and beaming: “I’m gardening“

And that’s our story. Here’s hoping today’s a marvelous day of hockey.

Devils vs. Maple Leafs, 2/5/10

Prior to tonight, we have been, at best, ambivalent about Ilya Kovalchuk. We kind of really didn’t ever care about him, and when he was brought to our attention, it was normally because Chico was throwing a clot during Devils/Thrashers games at how selfish and lazy he is. But… now we guess we’re totally on board with it. WOOOOOOOOOOO! Let the Kovalchuk Era begin!

After giving us a bit of background on Kovalchuk, MSG+ shows us that the Devils never even let Oduya’s 29 get cold. Welcome back, Batshit!

FIRST PERIOD

19:12 The snow-skittish crowd gives out an enormous roar when 17 comes over the boards for the first time.

19:11 We’re disappointed in Kovalchuk. Why hasn’t he scored yet? We gave up on Boogerfors for this?

18:13 The first Kovalchuk-led rush of the season ends with Kovalchuk getting pushed to the board and just weakly passing the puck forward to Langenbrunner, who does nothing. Pookie: “If all he’s there for is to give the puck to Langenbrunner, then what’s the point?”

16:51 We’re trying to think of a nickname for the new guy, because “Kovalchuk” is a pain in the ass to type. Pookie so far has suggested “Flashy”, “K-chuk” (it emphasizes the “Chuck” that way), and “O-Don’t-ya”, and Schnookie has suggested “Mr. Kovalchuk”.

14:38 After the first really sustained shift in the Leafs zone (with the Pando/Land Zhark/Niedermayer (the Lesser) line), the Devils proceed to get pinned behind Marty’s net as two Leafs forecheckers keep three Devils skaters frozen in place, petrified, with the puck in the trapezoid. Kovalchuk has not immediately improved the Devils breakout.

13:31 The Zubrus/Langer/Kovalchuk line gains the zone with some speed, skating three abreast, and Kovalchuk gets the puck up high… and makes a wide, wide pass to Langer, who accomplishes nothing. Schnookie: “Don’t pass, you asshole! Shoot! You’re the shooter!” Pookie: “Who does he think he is? Getzlaf?”

8:46 You know who’s been really clearly energized by the Kovalchuk trade? Land Zhark. That guy is flying tonight.

6:38 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kovalchuk has the puck on the near boards, where he’s being checked, and instead of passively giving it up or standing there, wasting time with it in his feet, he whips a hard pass into the slot. And Zubrus, leaping around a pair of defenders, takes that as a hint that having the puck in the offensive zone means you could, you know, try to score. So he chips the puck over the crouching Gustavsson to make it 1-0 Devils. We love it! That’s the most purposeful pass we’ve seen a Devil make in the offensive zone in weeks, and we’ll definitely appreciate the way Gustavsson saw the puck coming at him and actually worked to make himself smaller. He’s a Monster! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

5:19 Last time we saw the Devils, the broadcast was nearly unwatchably dull, as everyone involved was feeling moribund and maybe full of despair. It seems one giant trade is all it takes to wake everyone up, because even Doc is giddy tonight. When Chico breaks down Gustavsson’s incredible shrinking act on the Devils goal, Doc, mocking the “Monster” nickname, starts singing – in a gravelly voice – “C is for Cookie”.

2:09 We don’t mean to alarm anyone, but the Devils just had a dominant offensive-zone shift. On which they drew a penalty. This Kovalchuk guy isn’t half bad!

1:07 The PP is not, as advertised, better than before. After a fruitless, pathetic minute, Doc asks Chico, “Do you think they’re deferring too much to [Kovalchuk]?” Either that, or they’re their typically terrible selves. All the Kovalchuk in the world can’t change that Langer and Rolston are still out there with the man advantage.

0:00 That was fun! We can’t remember the last time we were excited about these guys, so we guess the trade’s working.

SECOND PERIOD

17:57 Chico is not making us feel good about the Devils as a newly-imagined juggernaut. He’s telling us, while play kind of hangs out in the neutral zone, that Marty’s feeling good that the Devils can be expected to score two goals every night now, what with Zach and Kovalchuk. That doesn’t sound like our expectations should be as high as we were starting to set them. Because with their defense, we’re not all that confident that two goals a night will be enough.

17:09 Niedermayer (the Lesser) is not feeling invigorated by Kovalchuk, and takes a lazy, stupid, idiotic slashing penalty in the neutral zone. Wait, maybe he is feeling invigorated, and is re-committed to being as bad as he can possibly be.

16:21 Ah, it’s the same old Devils coming out for this period. Kaberle’s point shot gets tipped on its way in by Pando, and it’s a 1-1 game.

16:08 Whoa. Rosehill’s been to the Niedermayer (the Lesser) School of Really Shitty Penalties, because immediately after the Leafs tie the game, he slashes Andrew Peters and gets called for it. Andrew Peters. Anyone who takes a slashing penalty while trying to stop an Andrew Peters offensive parry qualifies to be considered the stupidest hockey player on earth.

15:03 Land Zhark takes the Devils off the PP with a dopey interference penalty while Kovalchuk is wheeling at the point. Replay shows the play, in real time, looked a lot like a pick, but in replay, makes Chico’s head explode. Of course, Chico never thinks the Devils are at fault, and always thinks the Leafs are bunch of diving divers.

11:31 Land Zhark skates directly into Gunnarsson’s elbow while they are racing for a puck, and goes down like he’s been shot. The crowd boos lustily when nothing gets called, and Chico’s head explodes that there is no penalty called on Gunnarsson for having an elbow that a Devil skated into.

11:22 Kovalchuk responds to the lack of a call on the Land Zhark elbow by being a human blanket on a non-puck-carrying Leaf in the neutral zone. The Leafs go on the PP.

9:37 Do the Devils even practice their PK anymore? Stempniak beats Marty on a long-range shot through Whitey. 2-1 Leafs, and this new fucking shit suddenly looks a lot like the old fucking shit.

6:10 It might be fair to say that the dead-cat bounce the Devils got from Kovalchuk has passed.

5:22 We go to commercial with a shot of Peters trying to be a preening peacock against the Leafs “tough guys”. Schnookie wails, “How can we expect to win? We’ve got Peters in the lineup!” Pookie: “And Lablond. And Rolston. And Niedermayer.”

4:35 Salmela attempts one of those long-range, flip-the-puck-over-everyone dump-ins from the neutral zone, and flings the puck so hard it sails into the netting in the far corner. Chico, trying to make us all excited for something on this still-misbegotten team, chirps, “Salmela’s really good at flipping pucks!” Well, there’s something to look forward to.

3:51 There is not a single good word to be said about the Devils conspiring to hand the puck to a cluster of Leafs inside their own blue line, then giving up a goal, and then Whitey screaming at the officials for reasons no one understands. Perhaps he’s furious that the officials didn’t call him for a penalty for being so unflinchingly awful. It’s 3-1 Leafs, and Pookie sighs, “It’s like the dead cat bounced, then fell straight through the rotting floorboards.”

1:46 Okay, everyone was giddy in the first period. Doc was singing Sesame Street songs. We were feeling fond of the Devils again. Kovalchuk was probably thinking, “Say, this Zubrus guy isn’t so bad.” But now even Chico sounds like he’s trying not to vomit from the stink coming from the guys in red tonight.

0:45 There is some concern from our broadcast team that the Devils need to stop passing just to Kovalchuk, because the Leafs are predicting it and picking off their passes with ease. Pookie: “Maybe they’re just rightly thinking that Kovalchuk’s the only guy to pass to because all the other Devils suck?”

0:00 The Devils skate off the ice to a chorus of boos. Welcome to Newark, Ilya.

THIRD PERIOD

Before the start of the period, Chico tells us that he knows that Devils fans are disappointed tonight because they were hoping it would be “a constant offensive onslaught” with Kovalchuk in the lineup. Schnookie: “No. I was just hoping it would be an occasional offensive onslaught.”

19:45 There’s a delay at the start of the period because the goal light behind Marty is flashing (insert “they’re just turning it on now to save themselves the effort later” joke here), and Doc lamely starts cracking about police lights in your rearview mirror, and getting out his drivers license and registration, and blah blah. We’re all cranky, so Boomer and Pookie grumble, “Ha. Ha.” Then Pookie perks up, “Oh! Thanks for reminding me to check if my speeding ticket is in the system yet, Doc!” (It’s not.)

17:11 Boomer: “Why are we skating Peters?” Schnookie, not looking up from the magazine she’s flipping through: “Because the Leafs are truculent.” Boomer: “Oh, that’s right. I forgot they were truculent.”

16:28 Lemaire has blown our minds by putting Land Zhark out with Zach and Travis… thereby creating another ZZZ line.

16:03 Doc tells us the Leafs are “thinking defense all the way.” Pookie: “Meanwhile, the Devils are thinking [Meow Mix jingle] all the way.”

11:54 The Devils are looking typically hopeless, and Chico marvels at how amazingly good the Leafs are in the neutral zone. Schnookie: “Are the Leafs really good in the neutral zone, or are the Devils just really bad?” Pookie: “A pinch of Column A and a whole truckload of column B.”

11:10 Whitey gets hit in the corner to Marty’s left, responds, right in front of the official, with a crosscheck, then decides to slash the Leaf too for good measure. He gets called for the slash. Chico can’t understand how something so small can be called a penalty, but doesn’t seem to consider that maybe the slash on its own would have been fine, or the crosscheck, but not both.

9:30 It’s sort of hilarious to think about how, 30 minutes of hockey ago, we liked this game, and liked the Devils again. We take it all back.

8:23 Welcome to New Jersey, Ilya. Here are your new linemates, Brian Rolston and Dean McAmmond. Yeah, we agree – Don Waddell really must have hated you to send you here.

7:27 The Devils continue to be abominable, and Chico starts to say something about how the most commonly-used term about Kovalchuk this morning was “game changer”, and we cut him off. But as we are starting to complain, Schnookie points out, “Hey, we played these same Leafs on Tuesday and lost 3-1. This game is identical but for one thing – that one Devils goal. That was created by Kovalchuk. So he did change the game.” Pookie: “It’s true. And, unlike that game, I don’t feel like I would rather die than watch the end of it. I mean, I am not literally forced to leave the room rather than sit through the final ten minutes.”

5:26 For a team that is supposedly thinking only of defense, the Leafs are getting an awful lot of shots.

4:56 Pookie: “I bet Boogerfors would have had a hat trick tonight.” Schnookie: “And Oduya.” We both collapse into fits of laughter. See? It’s not the same old fucking shit. It’s new fucking shit!

3:04 What in the what??? Land Zhark feeds Hambone off a little rush, and Hambone takes advantage of Gustavsson’s shrinking-goalie act with a sassy little backhand shot. 3-2 Leafs, and the building comes back to life.

2:22 The Devils come back after the goal with the Showdown at the Triple Z Ranch line, and they dominate in the Leafs zone, finally drawing a penalty when Zubrus tries his “leaping across the crease while shoveling a backhander” move again.

1:01 Every time Kovalchuk gets the puck, the crowd starts to go crazy, this buzz of “what’s he going to do now?” humming through the air. Schnookie: “Guys, just keep giving him the puck because he knows what to do, and all of you don’t.”

0:44 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Don’t be alarmed, Gentle Reader, but the Devils just scored a power play goal. WE KNOW! It’s RIDICULOUS! They pass the puck like some crazy mofos, the swagger mounting with every time Kovalchuk touches the puck, and suddenly it’s Kovalchuk to Hambone, then a ballsy cross-rink pass to Travis, then an Acorns slapshot right through Gustavsson to make it a 3-3 game.

0:18 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FLIRKING SCHNITT!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! PANDO!!! PANDO!!!! PANDO!!!!!!!!!! Gustavsson thinks he’s got everything covered by directing a rebound under pressure onto Pando’s stick, because hey, he’s Pando, right? WRONG, BEEYOTCH! 4-3 DEVILS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0:00 No. The fuck. Way. That was UNBELIEVABLE.

Well, At Least He Doesn’t Wear A Number Over 30

We can only assume that people from all corners of the blogosphere are flocking to IPB right now to find out our official feelings about our, um, beloved team jumping into the crazy world of high-stakes rental players. Needless to say, we were not happy when we first heard the news. Hey, we’re Devils fans. We don’t believe in guys like Ilya Kovalchuk. But as reality set in with a dull, throbbing ache, we started to do what we do best: look for a silver lining. (Shut up!) So what’s good about this trade? Let’s see…

– We hear this guy can score goals. We suppose that’s good, since the Devils are terrible at scoring goals. And it’s especially good now that his new teammates don’t know how to play defense either. Those 4-0 types of losses will go down a lot easier when they’re 4-2.

– Chico has gone off on Kovalchuk in Devils/Thrashers games this season more than we’ve ever heard him criticize any other player. Hell, he’s been harsher on Kovalchuk this year than he’s been on all other opposing players he’s commented on in his broadcasting career, combined. Chico seems to hate Ilya Kovalchuk. We can’t wait to hear him try to subvert that as he tries to explain how some goal-giving-up shitty backcheck really wasn’t a bad thing, as he is wont to do for all guys in red and black.

– We’re under the impression this guy is not really True Devil material (we know, it’s shocking). This trade will be like a living Choose Your Own Adventure, as Future Captain Zach is faced with a constant battle of good vs. evil influences. His mettle will be tested, but there’s potential that like the Marine battling that weird rock monster, Zach will emerge as even more of a True Devil than he is now. Let’s just hope Kovalchuk’s insidious disinclination towards defense and team play won’t turn Zach to the Sykora dark side.

– Being able to say “we called it!” is always fun. When it became apparent that the trade was a done deal but the Devils side wasn’t public yet, Pookie said, “Classic Lou would be Kovalchuk for Patrice Cormier.” We called it! (*tiny voices* If you ignore that whole Oduya thing.)

– We got Batshit-Crazy Salmela back!

– Kovalchuck rhymes with Chuck the Duck. It’s the little things that keep us coming back for more from this team.

– We hate to say this, but someone has to: the Devils have become utterly predictable over the last few years. We know, this too is shocking. So while we loathe, with every fiber in our beings, the notion of giving up anything more than, like, fourth-round picks for rental players, we have to admit that this trade is at least something unexpected. So instead of seeing the same old fucking shit every night from the Devils until April, now we’ll get to see, at worst, some new fucking shit!

– The top story tomorrow night when the Devils play the Maple Leafs (again) will NOT be Brian Burke and/or Dion Phaneuf. This is perhaps all the justification Lou needs.

–Finally, the brilliant and handsome don was able to offer a perspective on the trade that we hadn’t considered:

lou has the hots for kovalchuck…kinda like a 1930s b/w flick on TCM where a middle aged (or beyond) guy kibbee is infatuated with a young chorus girl…

How can we not love a trade that casts Lou in that kind of light?

Oh, Lou. You devil! (See what we did there?)

UPDATE:

We think we’ve figured out how this trade happened. We think all the GMs were called into an Atlanta-area church basement, where they sat down with their rosters spread out on gameboards. The air became increasingly charged as the trade pieces were drawn from the big tumbler and announced into the tinny microphone. Sweat beaded on the assembled GMs’ brows.

“A reasonably good — but possibly overrated thanks to the defensive system he plays in — defenseman who is under contract…”

“A rookie who seems to already be settling into his sophomore slump…”

“A prospect who has been banned from his league for repeated attempted murders…”

“A low first-round draft pick…”

Suddenly David Conte turned to Lou and started whispering feverishly into his ear. Lou looked concerned, perhaps even disbelieving. They conferred in hushed tones while the other GMs started to tremble. Could it be…? Is it possible…?

Lou double-checked his board.

Conte beamed smugly.

Then, Lou raised his hand and shouted, “BINGO! I’ve got Waddell Bingo!”

The Devils’ Playbook

While the team was on the road, we headed up to Newark to do some sleuthing to figure out why the Devils suck so bad. And while snooping around the practice rink and dressing room, we stumbled across a shocking book pamphlet leaflet index card that we are copying verbatim below. We think it really helps explain the current dreadful state of the Devils.

NEW JERSEY DEVILS OFFICIAL OFFENSIVE PLAYBOOK – SECOND SET

Note: In normal seasons, the second set of official offensive plays are deployed on February 1. Due to the Olympic break, the second set of offensive plays for 2009-2010 will be deployed on January 1. The penalty for using plays during games that are not included in the official second set, be they from the official first set or of the player’s own creative impulse, remains the same: rooming with Lou Lamoriello. There will be no exceptions to this rule.

Introduction: All of the plays below shall begin in the defensive zone. The process of collecting the puck in the defensive zone, regardless of offensive play to follow, is the same. The forward skater shall stand above one of the faceoff dots and wait for the goaltender (30) to make a save and either direct or pass the rebound to him. Forward skaters should never “try to be a hero” and make a play to retrieve the puck himself. Under no conditions should a defensive skater ever touch the puck with his stick in the defensive zone. If a defensive skater feels he cannot resist touching the puck with his stick in the defensive zone, he should either deflect or shoot the puck into his own net.

Offensive Plays

1. The Steamroller

After retrieving the puck in the defensive zone a forward skater shall carry the puck toward the offensive zone on an angle toward one of the wings. The forward skater’s linemates shall accompany him, while the defensive skaters hang back, creating an even-numbers three-on-three rush. The play shall remain onsides while entering the offensive zone. When the puck-carrier reaches the top of the faceoff circle, he shall gently shove the puck forward into the possession of the opposing team, pull up, and retreat back to the defensive zone. The puck-carrier’s linemates shall follow.

2. The Bulldozer

This play shall unfold identically to the Steamroller except a defensive skater shall jump into the play after the puck-carrier releases the puck into the possession of the opposing team. While the forward skaters turn around and skate back to the defensive zone, the defensive skater shall “pinch”, skating past the opposing players toward the opposing net, so as to remain behind the play as the opposing team returns to the other end of the ice.

3. The Steamdozer

After retrieving the puck in the defensive zone a forward skater shall carry the puck straight up the ice toward the opposing net. He shall be accompanied by one linemate, so as to create an “odd-man rush” of two skaters against one. The puck-carrier shall stickhandle all the way to the blue-painted crease, then attempt a backhand shot that the opposing goaltender can turn aside without difficulty. The accompanying forward skater shall then pull up outside the blue-painted crease, mindful not to get in the way of the opposing goaltender and under no circumstances touching the puck, then turn around and skate back to the defensive zone. The puck-carrier shall remain below the opposing goal line while the opposing team returns to the other end of the ice.

Contingency Plans

There are times when the opposing team makes it impossible for a conscientious New Jersey Devil to perform his game plan to the letter. Such situations often occur in the neutral zone. If a New Jersey Devils skater finds himself in possession of the puck in the neutral zone, he should take one of the following actions:

1. Take a penalty
2. Clear the puck off of the playing surface
3. Return the puck to the opposing player he got it from
4. Go for a line change
5. Play dead

There are also times when the opposing team conspires to force the New Jersey Devils into situations where they are ahead on the scoreboard. If a New Jersey Devils skater finds himself in possession of a lead, he should take the following action:

1. Lose it.

Devils @ Leafs, 2/2/10

After a great day of commentary here at IPB, we hate to have to change the topic to the Devils again. Really, why are we watching this game tonight? We know what’s going to happen — the Devils are going to lose. The only question is which way they’re going to lose, because there are two possible scripts for this team. The first script is the “give up two quick goals in the first, and then two quick goals in the second” 4-0 loss (which actually has two sub-genres. The first sub-genre is the “give up two quick goals in the first, and get thoroughly outplayed in that period, but manage a flukey response goal from an unlikely scorer right before intermission. Spend the first intermission with false hope. Then give up two more quick goals in the second” 4-1 loss. The second sub-genre is the “give up two quick goals in the first, two quick goals in the second, then get a meaningless goal late in the third from Zach or Langer that serves solely to be an obfuscating stat later on, so Zach or Langer can be lauded for having X number of points in X number of games” 4-1 loss). The second script is the “have a comfortable lead for two periods, then a less comfortable, narrower lead for 18 1/2 minutes in the third period, then lose in regulation” one-goal loss. The Leafs almost pulled off the second of those scripts in the last match-up of these teams, but are so bad that they bungled it. It will be interesting (ish) to see which way this one goes.

FIRST PERIOD

19:11 Because the Showdown at the Triple Z Ranch was the only good thing that’s happened in the world of the Devils in what seems like weeks, the Poppers are reunited tonight. We’ve forgotten what joy feels like.

18:02 Speaking of forgetting what joy feels like, Zubrus is stuck skating with Rolston and Boogerfors. He’s probably got tears streaming down his cheeks right now. Meanwhile, the Leafs have a guy named Rosehill. That’s kind of awesome.

16:57 Doc mentions that the Hanson kid on the Leafs is the son of one of the Hanson Brothers. Boomer: “I was hoping Doc would resist mentioning that.” Pookie: “Maybe he’s gotten it out of his system now?”

15:54 Schnookie: “The Devils have 54 seconds to give up the two goals so that they officially qualify as being early in the first.”

15:20 Rolston hands the puck over to the mildly-forechecking Leafs at the Devils blueline, and the expected happens. 1-0 Leafs.

14:41 Wayne Primeau is still alive?

14:02 For some reason, Doc says in the course of his play-by-play, “If looks could kill…” Pookie finishes for him, “If looks could kill through the television…” Pause. “Woo hoo! Emergency expansion draft!”

13:09 Whitey fights Phaneuf for Zach’s honor.

Pookie, observing a helmetless Whitey grappling with the bevisored Phaneuf: “Aren’t honorable gentlemen supposed to take their helmets off before they fight?”

Schnookie: “Yeah, well, then you get the whole thing where you hate the thought of guys hitting their heads on the ice, and blah blah blah…”

Pookie: “I should have said ‘Aren’t preening peacocks of fighters are supposed to take off their helmets’.”

The long and short of it is that we are in agreement at stately IPB Manor that Phaneuf looks like a pussy. (And Whitey gets an extra roughing penalty.)

9:21 Niedermayer (the Lesser) trips Exelby behind the Leafs net. Read: “in the offensive zone”. Read: “Why, God, why??????” Replay of the penalty sends Chico off on a rant that you never used to see “embellishment setting up penalties” back in the good old days. To which we say that Chico is living in a dream world, both in thinking no one ever dived before the “New NHL” and in thinking that wasn’t a reasonably legit call on Niedermayer (the Lesser).

8:23 In the pregame, MSG+ gave us a stat screen about Travis’s recent scoring successes, and it was titled “Polished Gem”. After he makes a good defensive play on the PK, Pookie says, “He’s the smooth side of the geode.”

6:32 The softest-sounding hockey fight match-up ever engages at center ice behind the play (while the Devils were in the offensive zone) when Leblond and Rosehill swing lamely at each other forever.

Doc and Chico try to tell us this was really exciting. We are not especially anti-fighting on any sort of pacifist platform – no, we’re anti-fighting when it’s boring. Like this fight here.

5:03 Pookie discovered today that Alberta’s version of Punxsutawny Phil is Balzac Billy (a.k.a. the “Prairie Prognosticator”). Needless to say, as soon as Tyler Bozak’s name comes up in the course of play-by-play, Pookie calls him “Bozak Billy”. “I bet you weren’t expecting a Balzac Billy reference tonight.”

4:40 We come back from a commercial to find the Devils on the PP. We’re sure the Leafs are terrified.

3:56 Giguere makes what Chico calls “his best save as a Leaf”. Boomer: “Wow. I’m glad I got to see it.”

0:40 The Leafs seem to planning to snooze-out for the remainder of the period. Doc says to Chico, “If you want to tell a story about chinchillas, I think you’ve got time.”

0:00 That was a period we hope never to have to revisit.

 
SECOND PERIOD

17:37 Well that counts as a quick goal early in the period. Bozak Billy leads a rush, Danis makes a great save on which he can’t place the rebound well (just as Chico was telling us watching at home to cut him slack on rebound placement), Whitey and Mottau have no idea how to defend against a rush when a goalie who isn’t Marty is in net, and Kessel puts the puck into a wide-open net. It’s 2-0 Leafs, and Pookie wonders aloud, “Do we really need to watch the rest of this game?”

16:24 Rosehill starts to approach Hambone as if he is going to hit/trip him, and before anything can really happen that would lead, in real life, to a person toppling to the ice, Hambone falls over. Rosehill gets called for tripping, and Chico does not go off on a rant about how rampant diving is in hockey these days.

14:45 Chico chirps optimistically that the Devils’ PP is doing well, but just can’t seem to get the puck to the net. Pookie; “Oh, is that all?”

12:05 Leblond shoves Exelby in the back beside the Leafs net (read: in the offensive zone) (read: aaarrrrrgggghhhh!), and Exelby falls over. Leblond gets called for interference, and suddenly Chico’s all on the diving thing again.

8:12 Schnookie: “I’m not feeling particularly concerned that the Devils are going to score tonight.”

7:24 Mottau hooks Rosehill, or at least has his stick at Rosehill’s waist when Rosehill is falling over on his own. He gets called for hooking, and Chico starts to go on again about the diving and the lousy calls, and we’d be on board with it, but really, what has Mottau done lately to earn not having that call go against him?

5:51 On an unscreened shot from the high point, it’s 3-0 Leafs. Chico tells us that the lead is “starting” to look insurmountable. As if it wasn’t insurmountable at 1-0. Or even at 0-0 before the game started.

3:38 You know what’s terrible? The Devils. The only reason they seem to bother with the offensive zone is because they’re skating up and down the rink by rote. Like, they get the puck at their own end (off some sort of Leafs misplay, not defensive prowess), head up the ice because that’s what they’re conditioned to do, then they just turn around and skate back.

0:00 We can’t believe there’s still another a period of this.

THIRD PERIOD

17:43 We join the third period a bit late after spending the intermission watching yesterday’s Make It Or Break It. Things have not progressed much.

7:46 We have lost our will to live. The Devils are skating line of Zubrus, Zach and Andrew Peters.

0:00 It’s the end of the third period. Things have not progressed much. The best part of the game tonight was the “upcoming games” screen MSG+ put up at one point showing us that we have two blessed Devils-free days before the next game.