The Obligatory Post-Season Awards Post

Now that we’ve handed out our Devils-specific awards, it’s time to turn our attention to the league-wide post-season awards. Here we offer our dazzling insight into who we think deserves the “official” NHL awards (and by “dazzling insight” we mean “ill-informed opinions”), as well as some thoughts about the awards the league should seriously consider regularly handing out (if they can have that dopey “Mark Messier Leadership Award”, is it too much to ask for an actual defenseman award?). Since we haven’t watched the Western Conference closely in, oh… say, 5 years, we’re a little limited on commenting on most of the awards (a quick getting-IPB-up-to-speed on the West went a little something like this: “So the Sharks are good, the Kings still suck — wait, there’s a team in Columbus?!? WTF?“), but we’ve never let ignorance get in our way before. Without further ado, here’s how we think the post-season love-fest should play-out.

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Everybody Gets a Trophy

It’s that time of year again — birds are in song, there’d be spring flowers all around if the deer didn’t eat them all, and we’re able to wear fewer than 15 layers under our Devils sweaters when we attend games. Yes, it’s season wrap-up time, and in the spirit of the only kinds of trophies Interchangeable Parts ever won, we’re introducing our first annual Everybody Gets A Trophy Awards for the New Jersey Devils.

#5 Colin White
The Second-Best Player In The League From Nova Scotia Award (Take that, Jon Sim!)

#6 Andy Greene
The Most Closely Resembles Chardin’s “Bubble Blower” Award

#7 Paul Martin
The Fluffapuffiest

#9 Zach Parise
Special Double Award-Winner, scoring both the “Why Can’t The Rangers Have Players Like Parise” and the “Why Can’t The Islanders Have Players Like Parise” Awards.

#10 Erik Rasmussen
The Most Surprising Bared Torso Wandering In The Background Of An Intermission Interview Award

#11 John Madden
The “I Don’t Know Who My Competition Is For Best Defensive Forward On The Devils” Award

#12 Jim Dowd
The Member Of The Devils Most Likely To Hold An Ocean County Library Card Award

#14 Brian Gionta
The Most Suprisingly Made Out Of Porcelain Award

#15 Jamie Langenbrunner
The “Dallas Gave Us Langer For McKay? Really? Seriously? Him?” Award

#16 Tuomos Pihlman
The “Dear God! Please Tell Me That’s Not Bobby Holik!” Award For Wearing #16

#17 Mike Rupp
The Tallest And Most Genial When Randomly Met In An Elevator In Buffalo Award

#18 Sergei Brlyin
The Interchangeableist Part Award

#19 Travis Zajac
The Best First-Line Center Award

#20 Jay Pandolfo
The Frank J. Selke Trophy

#21 Brad Lukowich
The coveted Mr. Clutch Award

#22 Rod Pelley
The, Uh… Well… It Is Called “Everybody Gets A Trophy” So We Are Legally Bound To Give You A Trophy Award

#23 Scott Gomez
The Worst Contract Year Ever Award

#24 Richard Matvichuk
The Most Annoying To Buffalo Sabres Fans Who Hate On Lou But Don’t Want To Admit Their Own GM Is Skirting Cap Issues By Burying A Guy For An Entire Season On The Long-Term Injured Reserved List Award

#25 Cam Janssen
The “Fuck You Very Much, Asshole. I Used To Like This Team” Award

#26 Patrik Elias
The Most Obviously Just Signed A Huge Long-Term Contract Award

#27 David Clarkson
The Future’s Looking Good And Good-Looking Award

#28 Brian Ralfalski
The Least All-Star-like All-Star Season Ever Award

#29 Johnny Oduya
The Slowest Fastest-Guy-On-His-Team-In-The-NHL Award

#30 Martin Brodeur
The Best Sneaky Coach Killing Ever Award

#40 Scott Clemmensen
The Award For Most Public Complaints About The Team That Weren’t Immediately Followed By A Trade To Edmonton Or Beyond

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