The pregame tonight features several very distressing developments:
Patrik “Captain Sniffles” Elias was apparently sicker than we thought; during his interview the negative force field around him makes the picture go all wonky and blue. We imagine him saying in his goofy accent, “That cold messed up my wertical hold and made my colors all Varholian.”
The Dowdy Bandito has been shaved. This is a travesty. A travesty. Since Jim seems not to think that kind of facial hair has an important impact on the team, it’s clearly going to fall on someone else to pick up his slack. We’re volunteering Pando. Because seriously, how great would a Pandito Bandito look? It would be like the bushiest, craziest chopper moustache in the history of the universe.
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After getting our fill of a devastated Stan Fischler lashing out after the Rangers loss, we switch to the Ducks-Canucks game, which we’re getting in HD! All the better to soak up the Horatio Hornblower beauteousness that is Ryan Getzlaf.
– It is very telling how much we dislike Luongo and his compatriots — we are ardently cheering for the Ducks. This is a reversal for us that’s almost as shocking in its scope as our cheering for Carolina in the Eastern Conference and Stanley Cup Finals last year. But as much as we seem to be favoring the Ducks here, there is nothing that will make us like Pronger, Selanne or Rob Niedermayer.
– The Ducks PA announcer sounds like Plankton from SpongeBob SquarePants.
– Hey, why isn’t Baby Crunchy playing in this game? We like the Ducks a lot more when he’s in the lineup. (Younger, less talented brothers of established players are always fascinating to Devils fans.)
– What’s up with this? The Canucks are outplaying the Ducks so far. We tuned in to watch Luongo making the long, mopey skate back to the bench after giving up 6 goals in the first 5 minutes.
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