Sabres @ Rangers – Game 4

The good news: we’re getting tonight’s game in HD on VS! Our excitement quickly evaporates, though, when we realize that means we’re going to have to watch the Rangers in HD. Is there some way they can make it just so the Sabres are in high-def, and the Rangers are all blurry?

We’ll concede that we thinks it’s pretty cool that Nylander juggles.

Joe Beninati and Darren Eliot tell us in the pregame that, even though hockey is “the ultimate team sport”, this game tonight boils down to just Jagr vs. Crunchy. If that’s the case, we’re kind of worried about where Buffalo’s scoring is going to be coming from.

FIRST PERIOD

– Afinogenov is out tonight, Paille is in. The way Max has been playing in this series, the Sabres probably wouldn’t notice even if they didn’t dress someone in his place. (Although Max’s absence means this game is now severely lacking Faye Dunaway lookalikes.)

– Our broadcasters chuckle heartily at the fact that Hank has an Olympic gold medal and Crunchy doesn’t. Based on what we’ve read Crunchy saying, he doesn’t think it’s funny. Not one bit. We sincerely hope he has a spidey sense (a Crunchy sense?) that tells him when people are laughing at how he got snubbed by the US Olympic team last year, and that it’s tingling right now; a little righteous indignation would serve him well in this game.

– On successive shifts the Rangers get odd-man rushes. Maybe that wouldn’t be happening if we switched to the non-HD channel for this.

– Five minutes into the period, Briere takes a shift in which he demonstrates that he brought his skating feet, but sadly not his passing eyes. He forces some turnovers deep in the offensive zone with his hustle, then tosses the puck right back to the defenders. And then he takes a penalty. (The penalty aside, Pookie liked that shift because she thought Stafford made a nice pass. “The Staffy watch begins.”)

– There is a sign on the wall in the vomitorium to the left of Crunchy’s goal that says “Welcome to Ranger World!” Pookie: “Ranger World — it’s like my worst nightmare.”

– Just as we would like every team that hands out thunderstix (yes, Devils, that means you too) to be eliminated from playoff contention, so should teams that wear lace-up sweaters. That’s just so lame.

– A prolonged look at Straka elicits this from Pookie: “Straka looks like he has a hen nesting on his head. And his helmet was designed to leave enough room to fit over it.” The crown of his helmet does seem taller than most.

– Coming back from commercial we get a shot of Gary Bettman in attendence; we have long disliked Bettman for reasons different than most hockey fans. He used to go to tons of Devils games back during our season-ticket days; one night on the way out of the arena Schnookie carefully placed her empty drink cup into a garbage can. As she was doing so she looked up and met Gary’s beetle gaze — his eyes were all but “tsk”-ing in disapproval, and she realized she was standing there up to her armpit in a Continental Airlines Arena garbage can. Gary didn’t need to say anything, but she could tell he was frowning on what he assumed was her foraging for half-eaten hot dogs. And you know what? If a paying customer wants to eat out of the garbage cans at NHL games, they should be able to, Mr. Commissioner.

– A shot of Girardi on the bench makes him look like he’s wearing pancake makeup and his lips are painted. We decide he would make a beautiful woman.

– Just as Beninati tells us about Teppo’s “veteran savvy” he turns the puck over at his blue line by passing softly up the middle. That’s like Brian Rafalski veteran savvy.

– Halfway through the first, we’re not convinced the Sabres have a shot yet. Just as we ask our TV screen if they do, Zubrus takes an easily-handled shot from the wing. Well, there’s at least one for them.

– Right now the Sabres are playing like a team the Devils could beat. Crunchy is the only reason this one isn’t over already.

– Of course, they are still the Sabres — one turnover by the Rangers deep in their own zone turns into a great chance for the Slugs.

– WTF? Beninati declares a small scrum in front of the Rangers net is a “pig pile”. “A pig pile?” says Eliot with a growl, “‘Get out of my sty,’ says Lundqvist.” It’s farm animal night!

– Bob Harwood interviews Gaustad on the sidelines, and Rob Ray is standing behind them having a jolly good time. He must think Goose’s severed tendon was funny.

A teaser for the upcoming intermission show promises a feature on “2007 Playoffs — Who’s Hot?” We chorus, “Zach Parise!” Pause. “No really. He’s hot.”

– Callahan gives the Sabres their first chance on the power play… and they are predictably awful. It’s like they’re having a crap-off with the Devils to see who can look more abysmal with the man advantage in this round.

– Hank makes a fantastic save on a nifty sequence by the fourth line, and Beninati informs us the fans are cheering for “King Henrik.” We hope that lights a jealous little fire under King Crunchy.

– There is a balloon bouncing around the seats on the camera-side of MSG that periodically floats into view; we would love more than anything in the world for it to get bounced down over the glass and hit Jagr. Because after the way he dislocated his shoulder in last year’s playoffs, we can imagine how disastrous it would be for him to be struck by a balloon.

FIRST INTERMISSION

Keith Jones praises the Sabres “passive-aggressive” forecheck. Hey, we’re really good at being passive-aggressive — no wonder we feel such a kinship with this Buffalo team.

We take it as a good sign that Pando is listed first on VS’s crawl among the Selke finalists; it could be like the way you can always tell which girl is going to be eliminated from the final two on an episode of America’s Next Top Model based on whether she’s standing closest to the camera.

We were right! Zach Parise is listed as the hottest guy in the 2007 playoffs! (We ignore that Gio is tied with him with 7 goals, although VS does give him some credit.) Good grief — what’s going on here? This whole segment is about the offensive stars of the Devils. We are left in stunned silence as the segment concludes and we go to commercial: they were just forced to talk about so many Devils, it’s insane.

SECOND PERIOD

–For the first period we couldn’t quite put our fingers on why this doesn’t feel like a playoff game. Coming back from intermission we realize the problem — the game’s at MSG. We don’t immediately associate Madison Square Garden with playoff games.

– The Rangers start the period with the bulk of a carry-over power play, and Jagr scores. The goal is met with a disgusted sigh from Pookie and a determined, “I don’t like him.” The replay shows he deflected a shot into Teppo, who then deflected it past Crunchy. Schnookie is buoyed somewhat that there was nothing Crunchy could do on that, but Pookie grouses, “That balloon can’t hit Jagr soon enough.”

– Someone needs to remind Buffalo that they’re the Sabres — they can score as many goals as they want! Right?

– Not entirely surprisingly, the way these teams are playing it looks like the game is a lot more important to the Rangers than it is to the Sabres. And, well… it is.

– NBC’s HD feed on Sunday made all the players look freakishly pink, and tonight’s feed makes them all look on the bench like they were poorly colorized from black-and-white film stock. Or like they’re all wearing face powder and lipstick. Pookie says they look like fops, Schnookie says it’s like kabuki. We compromise: they’re kabuki fops.

– We’re told Tallinder has declared, “It’s so hard to deal with Jagr’s center of gravity.” We add the unspoken, “If you know what I mean.”

– The Sabres have clearly listened to Ruff asking for ugly play, but failed to comprehend what he really meant. They are doing nothing but turning the puck over on the rare occasions that they get possession of it.

– We’re not sure we’ve mentioned yet in this space how dorky Jagr looks with his sweater tucked in like that.

– With a little over 8 minutes left in the period, the Sabres go on the power play and start out with a bang, giving up a couple of gorgeous shorthanded opportunities. Seriously, do they not practice this?

– One of the most troubling things about this Buffalo team is that they don’t even look like they’re getting angry that they’re being outplayed. This concerned us during their first round series with the Islanders, and it’s even worse now. Their power play stinks, they seem listless and lost at even strength… and none of them seems to be getting pissy about it. Where’s the professional pride, boys?

– Briere takes a roughing penalty on Avery. Nice work, Captain. (Darren Eliot says of the penalty, “That’s not going to endear him to anyone.” Yeah, no one’s going to sign him in the off-season now, and he’s going to end up having to play in Europe.)

– On the PK, the Sabres actually trade chances with the Rangers. We like the jumping up shorthanded, but we don’t like the letting the Rangers have their way at the other end. (Fortunately the penalty passes without costing the Sabres much more than two minutes of what would likely have been ineffectual even-strength skating.)

– Staffy turns the puck over at the point and it leads to a Rangers 2-on-1. Pookie declares, “Staffy is taking my love, stuffing it in an envelope, and sending it back to me but not even putting the proper postage on it.”

The intermission show teaser promises “interesting” stories about the Rangers and the Stanley Cup. We can’t imagine how that could be — there is nothing interesting about the Rangers winning the Cup.

– The Sabres get — oh no — another power play. They do things so badly on it, we find ourselves marveling that not even the Devils would try that kind of crap.

– Malik hauls Roy down on the Sabres way into the offensive zone and totally bizarrely spends the next few moments wandering over to the official and complaining about the call while the play continues. Darren Eliot strangely does not seem as outraged about that utter lack of focus and professionalism as he was by Briere’s earlier roughing penalty, on which he is still harping.

– Argh! Roy drills a shot off the crossbar. The period ends 1-0, Rangers, with the Sabres still on the PP.

SECOND INTERMISSION

We are very hard on the VS studio crew (perhaps it’s because they’re generally incredibly inane), but we’ll take a moment here to say that we really like Keith’s tie. Very snappy.

We, uh, don’t bother unmuting to hear about the hilarious and dramatic antics of the 1994 Rangers and the Stanley Cup.

THIRD PERIOD

– The best they could do for mic’d up tonight is Stephen Valiquette? There weren’t any NHLers participating in this tilt who were willing to wear a mic?

– The carryover power play for the Sabres is pooptacular.

– Three minutes into the period we see a staggering sequence that involves four straight tape-to-tape passes from Sabres to Rangers.

– It’s hard to pay attention to everything Beninati says, as his voice kind of floats in and out of our conscious aural register, but we both hear him say very clearly as several Sabres and Rangers muck on the boards over a loose puck that someone is “riding herd on Spacek.” What? (And no, that’s not a typo. He said “riding herd”. As in cattle.)

– The Rangers are succeeding at taking the Sabres out of their comfort zone; since they can’t dipsy-doodle to generate offensive chances the Sabres appear to just be giving up. It looks like they’re skating at 1/8th speed, and when they don’t see any obvious passing plays in the offensive zone they just sort of meander around uselessly until a Ranger takes the puck away from them.

– Campbell takes a holding penalty and Darren earns stony silence in response to his declaration that Soupy is “no longer a free man because of the free hand.” Darren? Don’t say that again.

– Shanahan scores on the power play. Schnookie doesn’t want to look too closely at the replay there; Crunchy and his D had a miscommunication behind the net that ultimately resulted in Shanny getting the puck all alone in the crease. Poor Crunchy. He needs Schnookie’s tender loving.

– The goal announcement hasn’t ended yet and Kotalik scores on a great feed from behind the net by Connolly. At the risk of damning Timmy with faint praise, he has been by far the best forward for Buffalo tonight.

– Roy backhands a gorgeous feed to Vanek streaking down the middle, but Lundqvist is able to just hang on and stymie the Sabres second best chance of the game.

– We have to admit we’re a bit spooked right now thanks to a 1930’s-era horror-movie thunderstorm going on outside stately IPB Manor and the person with a flashlight standing in the dark in our front yard. Is it an ax murderer? Or is it just someone walking their dog? If this recap comes to a sudden, mid-sentence end, you’ll know it wasn’t the latter.

– Darren thinks Vanek is hurt because he “is laboring” at the end of each of his shifts. We just think he’s dogging it.

– The Sabres suddenly remind us of the killer bear in The Edge; just how the bear developed an insatiable taste for human flesh after one taste of it, the Sabres seem to have realized they like scoring now that they’ve had one chance to see what it feels like. They are swarming more now, pressuring the Rangers in their zone, acting like maybe they just woke up and discovered they were in the middle of a hockey game.

– We commented during the last game in this series that Jason Pominville was having a game to forget. We’ve now expanded that statement to “Pommie’s having a playoffs to forget.”

– With 90 seconds left, the Rangers are able to pin the Sabres in their own end.

– That is, until the Rangers get called for icing.

– And again.

– And again.

– (Beninati gives Avery an avuncular chuckle for his ill-advised shot at the empty net that results in an icing call. “It must be so hard to control that adrenaline,” he indulges. We have a feeling if Briere had done that they’d be ripping him a new one.)

– Briere is a complete dog. How on earth did he not beat Lundqvist to that empty net? The overhead angle shows the puck may very well have crossed the goal line before Hank’s pad caught it and dragged it back out, though. The play, she is under review…

– … No goal. That is complete bullshit. Complete. Bullshit.

– The Sabres will doubtless bitch and moan about that video review, but the fact is, they didn’t show up to play until it was way too late. Furthermore, they’ve been on the winning end of more than their fair share of video reviews, both in the playoffs and in the regular season (they owe Patrick Elias a goal, for those of you non-obsessive Devils fans who might not have been aware of a certain “glove save” during the regular season on which the puck clearly crossed the line, but which the officials refused to review). It sucks that the Rangers won, but frankly, they deserved it more tonight, as much as it pains us to say so.

– The Rangers do their sorry-assed “salute” to their fans that makes them look like a community theater troupe doing a curtain call. Since they guaranteed a Game 6 at MSG, why are they doing that tonight? It’s not like they’re not playing another homegame this year. It just seems so patronizing.

Final score: Rangers 2, Sabres 1