SPECTRE Saturday Part 1

On the eve of the lockout we, along with three friends, were directionless, despondent and disoriented — what we were to do without hockey?! The answer came in a flip comment made by Terry Frei in a “What’s A Fan To Do?” column: form a fantasy fantasy hockey league. He meant it in a stats driven way, but we’re all writers and dreamers, so we decided to write what we thought would happen if the season would have been played. Using the 2004-2005 schedule, we divvied up the games amongst the five of us, leaving us with about 5-7 games a week (for all you math nerds, two of the original SPECTERites dropped out, but we divvied the schedule amongst the original seven). We instituted one rule: you had to give a final score for every game you were assigned; other than that, you could write whatever you wanted. Because we’re writers and dreamers what happened over the course of that year of missing hockey was a 175,000-word, 500-page masterpiece of collaborative writing. This summer we’ll be excerpting highlights from SPECTRE every Saturday. If you’d like to read the document in full, you may view it here. Be forewarned SPECTRE did not age well, and didn’t reach full steam until about Week 3 or so. We’ll be pulling out the choices bits for you to read here, and we hope you enjoy them.

This week’s SPECTRE Saturday is a smorgasbord of entries from the first few weeks.

Morgan, Week 1
October 15, 2004
Blackhawks 1
Blues 5

Keith Tkachuk continued his tradition of fast starts in nearly meaningless games by netting the natural hat trick on his first three shots against a clearly overmatched ‘Hawks team. After a time out, Hawks goalie Jocelyn Thibault donned a helmet painted to look like the Finnish flag, and Tkachuk missed the net the rest of the night. Due to more cost cutting measures by Blackhawk’s President Bill Wirtz, Chicago’s games were no longer broadcast in any media. Mr. Wirtz appeared before a crowd of Hawks fans who had read about the game in the paper and said that the game was “a lot closer than 5-1”. He then turned to an assistant and whispered, “Are they buying that?”

Morgan, Week 1
October 14, 2004
Flyers 2
Panthers 1

Philadelphia bounced back from their disappointing loss in Tampa to edge the Panthers despite 57 saves made by Roberto Luongo. The Panthers lone goal was scored by Olli Jokinen with 15 seconds left to play much to the distress of injured Flyer Jeremy Roenick who had 5 G’s on Philly with a goal and a half spread. JR was overheard muttering, “Oh man, oh man!” as he left the Enterprise Car Rental/Taco Bell/ Church of Scientology Arena in Miami.

Morgan, Week 1
October 16, 2004
Devils 3
Sabres 1

The New Jersey Devils played their game and defeated the Sabres in a game that had 27 total shots by both teams combined. The Devils got goals from Brian Gionta, Patrick Elias, and Viktor Kozlov. Kozlov’s goal caused the Sabres to demote goalie Martin Biron to their AHL affiliate in Rochester after the game. “We had to do it”, coach Lindy Ruff said, “It was Viktor Freaking Kozlov!” The Sabres lone goal came with less than two minutes left to play when Chris Drury’s wrist shot was deflected by new Devil’s defenseman Richard Matvichuk. “I just want to fit in here.” said Matvichuk, “What better way than screwing up one of Marty’s (Brodeur) shutouts.” Both teams went 0-3 on the power play. Scott Stevens laid out Miroslav Satan with a devastating body check after he asked to Devils captain one too many times “Wouldn’t it be cool if my name was on a Devils Jersey? My name. Get it?”

Pookie, Week 3
October 28, 2004
Sabres 2
Sharks 3

Before the game, Miroslav Satan announced he had changed his last name to Devils Player No. When asked about it, he explained, “Let’s say I get traded to the Devils. Let’s say they assign me number 8. My sweater would then say ‘Devils Player No. 8’. It’s funny, no?”

Only one person found this truly funny – Marco Sturm. Sturm, mouth filled with gummi bears and playing an accordion, laughed so hard he burst out of his lederhosen. “Ach,” he said through tears of mirth, “I think I need ze krankenschwester .”

Despite losing Sturm to an attack of the sillies, the Shark prevailed on the strength of a hat trick by Jonathan Cheechoo. Of course, his task was made easier by the fact that the Sabres were detained in their dressing room for the first and second periods when they were forced to watch highlights of Chris Drury’s little league heroics.

Pookie, Week 2
October 23, 2004
Coyotes 3
Kings 0

The following is the text from an open letter to Coyote fans by Brett Hull which appeared in the Arizona Republic:

I hate hockey.
Love, Hullie
P.S. I still hate hockey.

A man-on-the-street poll conducted outside the Coyotes new arena proved that the star’s letter made little dent on the fanbase, who responded to every question with a mechanical-sounding “Wayne is the Great One. Wayne is the Great One. We love Wayne. Whatever Wayne does is right. Wayne is the Great One.”

Pookie, Week 2
October 26, 2004
Flames 3
Canucks 2

Large and furry, the Todd Bertuzzi is a player who was traditionally used for guarding the mansions of European aristocracy. General managers looking for a power forward with strength and finesse popularized this player in North America in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s. It doesn’t take much to make this player respond aggressively and is thus not a good player for families with small children.

For those looking for a more manageable attack player, the Matt Cooke is a good choice. The harsh bark of the Matt Cooke is not backed up by any extraordinary strength or size, but the constant yapping and heel-biting will likely deter unwanted cat-burglars and solicitors.

The Sedins make ideal players for apartment dwellers, as they are small, unobtrusive and nearly silent. Originating in Sweden, these players are known for being happiest in pairs and for never doing anything exceptional.

Turbot, Week 3
October 28, 2004
Mighty Ducks 0
Blackhawks 1

Ineptitude or tough D? That was the question for the night as only one shot on goal was taken the entire evening. Virtually the entire game was played in the neutral zone, broken only by the occasional icing call. There were no penalties, no breakouts, no nothing. The only goal was scored with three seconds on the clock when Blackhawks goalie Thibault took a back pass from Robidas and slapshotted it off the sideboards. Ducks’ goalie Giggy said, “Well, you know, it was like geometry or something. I saw it bounce off the wall, and I didn’t even think to try and stop it because well, when does a goalie ever take a shot?” The puck sailed untouched into the net as the buzzer sounded. Dramatic? Hell yes.

Turbot, Week 3
October 29, 2004
Predators 0
Panther 0 (OT)

Ineptitude or tough O? A combined total of four hundred shots on goal were taken tonight. Virtually every player who touched a puck shot it at goal. And all shots found their mark. Panthers goalie Luongo and Predators goalie Vokoun each saved 200 goals a piece. As the shots on goal tallied up, fans seemed to hope that their teams didn’t score. It was somewhat anticlimactic then when with Predators goalie ahead on saves 200-199, Predators left wing Scott Hartnett raced toward goal on a breakaway, with fans shouting DON’T SHOOT, DON’T SHOOT!. Hartnett shot a dribbler that Luongo easily smothered, ending the game and the saves in a tie. Dramatic? Mmm, not so much.

Schnookie, Week 3
October 29, 2004
Rangers 3
Penguins 3 (OT)

In a move that stunned even the home PA announcer (who had listed him as a scratch during the pre-game announcements), Mario Lemieux took to the ice tonight, salvaging some sort of dramatic tension for ESPN, who had insisted on televising this game because the people who pick their schedule seem not to have read any box scores since 1994. Lemieux wore a mic for the broadcast, and showily cringed and groaned with every stride he took, often punctuating his actions with terrible cries of “Oh! My back!” and “Argh, the impossible, impossible pain!!” The Pittsburgh fans game his two-shift, minus-three performance a thirty-minute standing ovation and he was named the first, second, third and fourth stars of the game. Afterwards, Lemieux hoisted a golf bag over his shoulder and announced he was unlikely to be able to play in any games for the remainder of the season, but was only listing himself as day-to-day, as perhaps several rounds of therapeutic golf at Pebble Beach would make him feel better. When one of his “teammates” asked if the team was actually going to Pebble Beach, Lemieux snorted, “The what, now? Team? Don’t be ridiculous.” The scoring for both sides came from Jaromir Jagr, who slammed home three quick goals for the Rangers during the first period, then, suddenly playing as if he hadn’t seen a box score since 1994, netted three answering goals for Pittsburgh. When asked about his unusual behavior, Jagr shrugged and said, “Oops. My bad. I just forgot which team I play for, that’s all. It had nothing to do with my alleged astronomical gambling debts. Seriously.” He then donned a fake moustache and jumped into a waiting car with Mexican license plates that appeared to be driven by a sombrero-wearing Jeremy Roenick.

Schnookie, Week 4
November 6, 2004
Lightning 2
Devils 4

Or: 18 Thoughts on Attending a Devils Game

I.
Lecavalier fears
Stevens’s side of the ice
but St. Louis does not.

II.
Leading one-nothing
Tampa defense gets cocky –
Martin from the point!

III.
Devils nurse a tie
like it’s a six-nothing lead.
Soon they trail by one.

IV.
The Devs down two-one
first intermission snooze, for
no one wins Score-O.

V.
Salt stings my dry lips
and the hulls stick in my teeth
but I love popcorn.

VI.
Out-of-town scoreboard
shows the Rangers are losing.
The Universe smiles.

VII.
Devils up a man
fresh ice after Zamboni
but they still don’t score.

VIII.
Niedermayer shoots,
Gionta tips the puck in.
After review – goal!

IX.
Intermission sucks.
The lower deck gets free stuff
while the nosebleeds weep.

X.
Third period stat:
the Devils never score late.
Will they tonight? Nah.

XI.
Neutral-zone trapping
makes my eyelids feel heavy
as the clock ticks on.

XII.
Flush with Jell-o shots,
Pando plays loose, but Madden
doesn’t pass. Puck hog.

XIII.
Friesen for diving.
I thought he’d been scratched tonight –
is he still a Dev?

XIV.
Penalty killing
like demons. The Lightning look
like they want to cry.

XV.
Two-on-one! Madden
doesn’t pass, but shoots hard wide.
Oh! The ricochet!

XVI.
Pando can’t believe
he’s in the right place, right time!
The red light flashes.

XVII.
PandoNation cheers
a game-winner AND shorty.
Huzzah Shazam Dogs!

XVIII.
(Elias pots an
empty net goal. Fischler fawns,
ignoring Pando.)

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