By Morgan, Week Five
November 16, 2004
This is the last Devils game I get to do until Week 12 so I’m going all out! The Swamp was rocking tonight, as the greatest fans in hockey came out in droves for the Doc Emrick bobblehead promotion. The popcorn was fresh and full of buttery goodness, and there was excitement in the air. Dominik Hasek pulled his “groin” in warm ups, and spent the rest of the night betting on trotters at the Big M. The Devils struck early as Wade Redden had a clearing pass intercepted by Jay Pandolfo fifteen seconds into the contest. Pando snapped a beautiful wrist shot top shelf passed the stunned Martin Prusek. “Prussie should have seen that coming,” said Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson, “He’s been here long enough to know what Wade does against the Devils.” The Senators tried to mount a counter attack, but were frustrated by the Devils tough defense. Finally, declaring himself “bored”, Devils defenseman Scott Niedermayer corralled the puck in his own end, rushed the puck end to end and roofed it past a continually stunned Martin Prusek. When Wade Redden yelled at Nieder that he could “so never do that again,” the smooth skating defenseman corralled the face off, skated behind his own net, rushed the puck end to end and scored on his back hand. “Way to go Wade!” chided his Senator teammates. The Devils then really put the clamps down, and there were no shots on goal by either team until the Devils Jeff Friesen was whistled for a penalty with two minutes to go in the period. The next shot on goal was a short-handed chance for the Devils when John Madden tapped his stick while standing directly in front of Wade Redden. Redden passed to Madden nonetheless and Mad Dog took off down the ice, ripping home a beautiful slapper past a less stunned and more pissed Martin Prusek. The Arena exploded with cheers except for a small part of section 227 who mentioned something about blind gophers finding rutabagas everyone once and a while. For good measure Sergei Brylin scored another shortie with two seconds left in the period. The first intermission featured giveaways that were won entirely by fans sitting in the upper level corner sections. The second period was the EGG line show. Elias, Gomez and Gionta netted five goals and tallied a combined 8 assists. Elias’s second goal was the result of Brian Gionta knocking down Zdeno Chara behind the Senators net, chipping the puck to Scott Gomez who found Elias alone at the side of the Senators cage. All four contestants scored during Score-O, followed by an impeccable ice resurfacing by the twin Zambonis. Sensing that the game might turn chippy, Jay Pandolfo steered an unsuspecting Marian Hossa into oncoming Scott Stevens early in the third, and the resulting collision, worthy of an anti-drunk driving film, kept the Senators in their place. The Senators fear of crossing the blueline allowed Martin Brodeur to get in a well-deserved nap as Jamie Langenbrunner, Viktor Kozlov, Paul Martin, and Pascal Rheaume added “insurance goals”. The scoring closed out when all five Senators, led by Wade Redden converged on Grant Marshall, allowing him to pass to a wide-open Jeff Friesen who beat a thoroughly disgusted Martin Prusek. “I had to make up for my earlier mistake.”, said Friesen, “I didn’t want my penalty to turn the game.” The Devils won the game 15-0 despite going 0 for 5 on the power play and losing all but two face-offs.
By Pookie, Week 5
November 10, 2004
Just before the recent U.S. Presidential election, Thunderbug, erstwhile mascot of the Lightning, announced he was running for President. Inspired by this, Phillip Roth has written “The Plot Against the Bolts”, an alternative history of America, where the bug is Commander in Chief. Although the book has received less-than-stellar reviews (“Bolt away from this book!” – Kirkus Reviews; “What’s a thunderbug and why do we care?” – Library Journal; “Uh… I can’t really read, so you might try asking someone else…” – Dave Andreychuck) the National Book Award was promptly bestowed upon Roth. The Thrashers players, not wishing to anger the new governmental head, spent the game bringing Thunderbug tokens of their allegiance, including Ilya Kolvalchuk’s favorite Russian pop albums and Dany Heatley’s six front teeth.
By Schnookie, Week 5
November 13, 2004
Noting the Devils’ success defying league rules (in Jersey’s case, the “Goaltenders Who Handle The Puck Make Games Low-Scoring, And That Rhymes With Boring” Rule), the Rangers chose to thumb their noses at the league’s so-called “Ray Bourque” Rule, the one disallowing retired players. Sadly for the Rangers, the retired player they brought back was Theo Fleury. The Sabres skated to an almost entirely uncontested win, buoyed by a four-goal night from Miroslav Satan, who said after the game, “The hopes of nations rest on me playing for the Devils. Seriously, think about it. How funny would that be, and what better medicine is there than laughter? If this trade would happen, the world could be healed. But since changing my name to ‘Devils Player Number’ didn’t work, I thought proving I could score a lot on the Rangers would whet Lamoriello’s appetite.” When contacted about Satan’s persuasive argument, Lou Lamoriello responded, “Scott Gomez can score at will against the Rangers, for Chrissakes! I mean, Colin White can score against them! Why should I give up one of the precious pieces of my orchestra – I mean, team just so some really infantile people can laugh at his name being Satan?”
By Boomer, Week 6
November 17, 2004
This game was marked by several shoving matches involving Bertuzzi and Daze early in the game. The real damage was done in the third period when Daze managed to tackle both Sedins against the boards at one time. Two penalty shots were awarded as they really are two individual people. Thibault couldn’t block either shot however as both Sedins shot at the same time, being confused themselves about their own individual and group selves. (During the off season they had made a Swedish film together about twins dating twins in a two-city metropolitan area north of the Arctic Circle populated only by twins… everyone in the movie had been heavily influenced by circles within a circle…) The League is looking into possible rule changes about twins on a team playing on the same line but Crawford couldn’t seem to come up with a coherent answer about this matter during the press conference after the game, only muttering something about a film he had seen once about triplets. The press groaned and left him standing alone on the podium. The Blackhawks did protest but since there is no press coverage in Chicago for the team, it does not seem likely that the League will take any notice.