How cruel (and yet hilarious) to give us a Rangers game on this UFA week. We’d be grossed out, but after consulting our “15 To Remember” schedule, we’re endlessly delighted to see that the Devils won this one 6-1. Heh. (Of course, one can only wonder how much Gomez has to do with that. The slag-faced whore.)
19:47 Doc is talking, a bit more graphically than we’d like, about how Aaron Ward has been puking his guts out with the flu.
19:11 Ah, the famous “It’s a pastry shop — full of turnovers” comment from Chico. He doesn’t claim credit for it, though, and says it’s an old player expression. Perhaps in Chico’s crazy world that’s something players say a lot; we’re a lot more inclined to believe players say things like, “The turnovers were giving 110%” and “Those pucks were just trying to be the best turned-over pucks they could possibly be.”
18:20 Some Ranger named Adam Hall gets a nice chance on a strangely-developing 2-on-1, and Marty makes one of those “fuck you, Ranger fans!” flashy glove saves. Heh. He’s probably practicing his “fuck you” body language for next season’s Ranger games already.
17:38 From what Doc and Chico are saying, neither one of these teams has been doing anything worth watching in the weeks leading up to this matchup. Lundqvist is on the bench after a game the Rangers gave up 9 goals in (For reals? Why don’t we remember this?) and the Devils have lost three straight one-goal games.
17:09 Dowd gets called for hooking just as Chico is saying the Devils need to stop taking bad penalties. He goes so far as to say that the Devils recent penchant for spending a lot of time in the box is “breaking up the flow and consistency of their game.” Pookie: “Yeah. Flow and consistency. That’s what people tune into the Devils for.”
15:01 As we watch Kevin Weekes, looking in net like he’s fully qualified to sit on the Devils bench next year, make an unsteady save on a weak shot, Pookie declares, “You know how dead to me Gomez is already? When they said his name earlier in this period, I was like, ‘Wait, when did he play for us?’”
14:37 The Ranger fans cheer when Ward slides to break up a Gionta-and-Gomez two-on-one. Of course, Gio was the puck-carrier and Gomer the “shooter”, so it was an easy one to defend. And Gomer’s a slag-faced whore, so it’s not like he was going to score or anything.
14:27 As the EGG line does nothing of note in the offensive zone, we hilariously realize we’re cheering for Weekes to do well.
13:58 Zach can be seen squeezing his stick into sawdust (graphite powder?) — JP is in the house tonight. Doc’s mention of JP being in the building turns into a discussion of how Ty Gretzky is currently at Shattuck. We collapse, needless to say, into paroxysms of laughter. (Oho — here’s where the rumor started that Sid lived at the Parises when he was at Shattuck. We wondered where we’d gotten that from, and it seems this was the night, as Chico cheerfully declares Sid was Zach’s little replacement when Zach went away to college.)
11:55 After kneeing Whitey (and getting called for it), Prucha gets a faceful of skateblade for his efforts. As he goes to the dressing room to get the two halves of his face sewn back together, Ozolinsh serves his penalty. Ozolinsh? Seriously? He was still a Ranger at this point?
10:59 Raffie watches the puck go past him at the point and lead to an odd-man rush for the PK unit. We are not sorry to know he’s gone.
10:27 Hm. Oduya also lets the puck go past him at the point. See? He’s just like Raffie but costs a sixth as much!
9:44 After Chico gives the Devils futile power play a rating of “One. At the best. That was not a good power play.” on a scale of one to five, Pookie says in anticipation of next season, “I like the thought of Clarkson on the power play instead of Brylin.” Schnookie, aghast, says, “You don’t like Brylin on the PP? Her?”
Chico adds after a few moments, “You know what the best thing about that Devils power play was? They didn’t get scored on.” We force a bitter laugh. Yeah, November and December were not great months for the Devils last year.
8:59 The name Kasparaitis comes up during the course of the play-by-play. Pookie: “Kasparaitis?? Why are they showing us a game to remember from seven years ago?”
8:11 Pando shanks a half-decent chance in the high slot. How do we score six in this one? And how do the Rangers only score one?
6:54 Doc tells us the Devils were outhit in their last game 18-5 by Detroit. We’d force a bitter laugh but we’re too busy whimpering.
5:47 As the Rangers connect on their umpteenth rink-length pass to release a forward in behind the Devils D, we decide we don’t have to look too closely for signs of why Julien was fired.
3:10 Both of these teams made the playoffs? For reals? The Rangers just gave up a two-on-one… to the Madden line.
2:22 Patty gets sprung streaking through the crease, but because he’s Patty he barely waves his stick at the puck. Strangely, a Ranger defenseman seemed not to pay attention to the scouting report on these guys and actually hooks Patty during this affair and gets called for it. Yay. Power play.
1:09 Chico is lambasting the Devils’ point men on the PP. He explains how, on successive possessions, the Devils killed their own man advantage by letting the puck go down the length of the ice. “First it was Langenbrunner,” Chico says, “Then Rafalski couldn’t do the… couldn’t get the…” And he splutters into silence at how bad Raffie was. Six million a year, Detroit. Have fun with that.
0:41 Straka, also not one to pay attention to the scouting report that Patty is harmless, takes a hooking penalty on a flat-footed Elias behind the Rangers net.
0:31 No WAY! Patty makes those two guys who took penalties on him look better and actually scores with the two-man advantage. Pookie: “Who knew Patty scored this year?”
0:00 After what Chico describes as one of the best periods of Devils-Rangers hockey all season to date (which is very telling about how lousy this series was at the beginning of last season), the Devils have a 1-0 lead and we beg to differ with Chico.
19:14 As if to apologize for the sucktitude of the first twenty minutes, the Devils come out flying, while still on the PP, to start this period.
19:00 Rachunek is killing the penalty — go Rachunek!
18:54 Weekes juggles a not-so-amazing shot. Hm. We’re not sure how excited we are about the Weekesification of the Devils anymore.
18:13 We’re quiet at IPB Manor. Pookie says, “I’m sorry there’s nothing to say about this game.” Schnookie: “Well, we’ve seen it before. And so far it sucks.”
16:50 We are discussing how we think this is the game that had the lengthy review of a Patrik Elias goal that wasn’t originally counted and ultimately caused them to have to re-play about five minutes of the third period. There is some belief that perhaps Zach also had a goal go to a lengthy review. Pookie says that she likes when Zach’s goals go to official review because “he always looks so dashing. Laughing and looking around all confidently. Until he shoots a quick, nervous look, chewing on his lip nervously, wiping away sweat from his brow. Then he realizes the camera’s on him and says, ‘Brave face! Put on a brave face!’”
15:31 This game might not be one Pookie remembers well, but the date in history is one she recalls fondly. She suddenly chirps, “Hey! I think I had this day off!” Good for her.
14:21 In an attempt to make his teammates who have been hooking Patty tonight look better, Malik high sticks that constant scoring threat, John Madden.
13:41 Pookie says, as the power play fumbles along, “Oh, I remember this game now. It’s the one where Rafalski handcuffs Gomez on the power play with a bad pass. No, that was every game.”
13:33 Wha-huh? How did we not remember this? We have that rarest of things: a second power play goal, this one a brutal deflection by Hossa of a Langenbrunner shot from the point. Doc has been harping on how much ice time Ozolinsh has been getting tonight, and remarks that now Ozolinsh and Hossa have deflected shots into their own net. “It’s not meant to be a criticism,” he softens, and Pookie finishes for him, “But I’m criticizing them. They’re awful.”
12:37 Jagr lays a beautiful pass to Prucha, who gets between the Devils D and walks in alone on Marty pretty much from the blueline. 2-1 now, Devils.
11:08 Jagr is completely losing his mind at center ice after trying to corkscrew Madden in the neutral zone. Dude, shut up and get in the box. Chico tries to apologize for Jagr and say it’s an iffy call, but it’s clearly a penalty. CLEARLY.
10:37 We get a lengthy close-up of Gomez just as Pookie says, “I can’t even fathom someone wanting to play on a team captained by Jagr.”
9:55 Why in the heck did the Rangers let a quality goaltender like Weekes go? Because he gives up shit goals like that one to Brylin. Yowza. (Great effort by Zach to force a turnover right in the slot. You can almost see him glancing nervously up to JP in the stands, hoping his never-say-die sticktoitiveness there was noticed.)
9:24 As a fight breaks out between Hollweg and Hale, Pookie says, “Wait, did I say I wanted the season to start?” Hale gets an extra interference minor.
7:22 The Rangers are really awful in this game — with Marty swimming in the blue paint, not a single Ranger can get a stick on the loose puck. We are in agreement that we will be very disappointed if they don’t suck next year.
6:12 As Gomer wheels pointlessly through the neutral zone Doc tells us how “the number 23 on his back reminds us of his birthday on the 23rd of December, and the time he scored a hat trick in this building on that day his rookie year.” That birthday hat trick at MSG is like Gomer’s LLWS — we are immeasurably tired of hearing about it.
3:54 Gio sort of gently runs into Weekes; Zach did the same thing last time the Devils were at this end of the ice (about a week ago, it feels like). We hope Weekes isn’t holding a grudge for this. (And those were probably the only two times all season the Devils crashed the net hard. It’s nice to see they got that done in just one game.)
3:34 Gio gets called for tripping right off the faceoff in the Rangers zone. What a smart penalty!
2:41 It is almost as silent at The World’s Most Famous Arena (or, as Pookie just called it, “The World’s Most Fabulous Arena”) as it is tonight at IPB Manor. They’re not even booing, this game is so bad.
1:21 Chico walks us through a highlight of Zach flubbing an attempt at getting to a puck in his defensive zone by saying, “As much as Zach’s game is about his offense, it’s really built on his… tenacity.” Schnookie: “I was afraid he was going to say ‘defense’, at which point I’d have to shoot myself.”
0:30 Zach does his best Jagr impression and takes a stupid penalty after Kaspairitis “snookers” him into taking a swipe at him after a little jostling at center ice. Pookie: “Zach hates being snookered. He specifically had Boxworthy deliver notes to all 29 other teams that said, ‘Master Zach Parise does not enjoy being snookered.’ It seems that plan backfired.”
0:05 Roszival gets called for interfering with Madden, and Madden gets called for diving. We weren’t really paying attention, so we don’t know how valid that call is.
0:00 We get a shot of Julien at the buzzer and Pookie notes he actually looked a bit like a catfish. No one’ll ever know the difference when Lou gets our new coach in that Lundqvist deal!
18:11 After getting scads of amazing scoring chances on their power play (all bested by a very sharp Marty), the Rangers manage to really idiotically pinch at the blue line leading to a two-on-one from just about center ice by Zach and Sarge. Zach slips a pass through the sprawling defenseman and Sarge chips the puck on his backhand past Weekes to open the lead to three. Pookie, as Zach: “Snooker me once, shame on you. Snooker me twice, shame on me.”
17:33 Chico regales us with Gomer’s assy whining about not being able to wear 11 when he was a rookie. He then ponders Gomer retiring a Devil and getting that #23 retired. Heh. Slag-faced whore. We are suddenly very eager to see how quickly Lou reassigns that number.
14:42 Patty gently shoulders Prucha down at the Rangers blueline and Prucha drops like a ragdoll. What is up with that? Has he no sense of pride? Prucha, that was Patrik Elias.
13:03 In discussing how sad Pando must be now that his BFF Gomer is gone, Schnookie suggests he’s like that little kid in the Arctic in the third of the “His Dark Materials” trilogy, the one with the little dried fish in place of his lost daemon. We both laugh, until we’re suddenly struck with how terribly sad that is. Further discussion of who in the NHL is like which characters in those books leads to the conclusion that Slats is that polar bear king with the wooden dummy daemon and the flies coming out of his mouth when he speaks, and Lou, with his beautiful fur coat and golden monkey daemon, is like Mrs. Coulter. In that small children can’t resist him. Or something.
11:50 Mr. Delay Of Game, Johnny Oduya, without much pressure on him, flings the puck into the stands. Nice! He’s just like Raffie but costs a sixth as much!
11:31 Chico assures us that he spoke with JP Parise this evening, and heard from JP that Jordan Parise, after seeing Marty up close and personal at training camp, has declared Brodeur “a phenom.” We’re glad to hear it, because we weren’t so sure that Brodeur kid was the real deal.
9:48 MSG sounds like a haunted cavern or something, with only faint, ghostly whistles floating through the massive space. It’s always a delight to see it like that!
9:02 No shit. The Rangers were leading the division this late in the season? And Tampa was in 13th place? Chico informs us that, even though they’re in 10th place right now, “It’s going to be hard to keep the Penguins out of the playoffs this year.” Pookie: “It’s not going to be hard to knock them out of the playoffs.”
8:00 Doc informs us that many of the World’s Greatest Fans are trickling out to beat the traffic.
6:15 It is really amazing that the score is so lopsided in the Devils’ favor, because they’ve barely had the puck tonight. And when they’ve had it, they’ve not kept it for long. They capitalized on chances they got, took advantage of some weak goaltending, and have let the Rangers take care of themselves.
6:05 A closeup of Zach shows him working his Larssen eyebrow exercises furiously. It’s like a jungle gym for his eyebrows.
5:01 Patty roofs the puck under the crossbar on a great bang-bang play, but it pops out so quickly that play continues. Patty raises his arms, but without conviction, so Chico wonders if maybe it wasn’t a goal. The play continues on… and on… and Doc posits that maybe, with the score already pretty much out of reach, no one will bother reviewing that. The few Ranger fans left in the building are hoping so.
The clock continues winding down without a whistle, and Chico tells us the truck reviewed the play and confirmed it’s a goal. This is hysterical, how the game keeps going and going and none of this play is going to count. It was funny the first time, and it’s funny now. With the clock down to 1:42, the Devils finally touch on an icing, and we add over three minutes back to the clock in a game that is miles out of reach for the Rangers.
You know, in hindsight the officials really should have taken the lack of an eyeroll from Patty on that play as a sign that he’d just scored. Because he always makes it abundantly clear when he’s missed a wide-open shot.
3:05 Chico also finds this situation hilarious, as he giggles, “Three minutes to go in the game — where have I seen this before?”
2:29 Because Rangers fans are truly the Best Fans On Earth, Doc comments, “It has the sound of a practice now, doesn’t it?” Chico responds, “With how many people are left here, it has the look of a practice too.”
1:48 Travis and Zach zip into the zone on a wide-spread two-on-one, Zach sneaks the puck in past Weekes, and Weekes tries to hide the puck from the officials. We go to another video review, and in a shot of Zach skating down the length of the bench we get a hilarious view of Patty reclining like he’s ready to start stripping off his equipment, order up a snifter of brandy from his creature-of-affairs Oysterworthy, and puff away on a cigar. Ladies and gentlemen, our Captain.
We get prolonged Zach footage as he and Pando chortle away at the bench. Zach was still missing several of his bottom teeth at this point, which seems odd. Those teeth were knocked out in October; Pookie suggests it took so long to replace them because Zach was waiting for the most expensive material in the world that still looks like teeth. A lot of geologists had to plumb a lot of mine depths to find a suitably enamel-ish gemstone.
0:00 Okay, we might have complained from start to finish, but this was, indeed, a game to remember. And seriously, Gomer? You’re a slag-faced whore.