IPB Publishing, Inc. Series 2

Several weeks ago we brought you a list of titles our offshoot publishing house, IPB Publishing, Inc., was offering, and we’re thrilled to report that the newest IPB Publishing, Inc. catalog has just been released. As with last time, every one of these titles is an actual search term that was used to find IPB, with spelling, punctuation, capitalization and grammar all intact. We would like to take a moment here to mention that it is with deepest love and respect that we dedicate each and every one of these books to one Grady Sizemore (or grady sizemore, or Grady sizemore, or grady Sizemore, or “Grady Sizemore”, or “GRADY SIZEMORE”, or “pictures of Grady Sizemore”), who has been the subject of no less than 413 search-term hits on IPB in the last week alone. Considering he appeared in one sentence in our MLB All-Star Game Diary, we’re very impressed at these searchers’ deep digging, and can only hope they’ve found what they’re looking for here. Grady, wherever you are, we thank you from the bottom of our stats page. And without further ado, we’re proud to give you the newest, bestest titles IPB Publishing, Inc. has to offer!

the months of hockey off season
This specialized off-shoot of the Farmer’s Almanac details every aspect of the doom and gloom facing hockey fans in summer. Suggestions are given for the best dates to watch month-old rerun games saved on one’s TiVo as a mid-season desperation move. Weather forecasts years in advance will highlight which summer days will feel most like Fall. Geographical mileage tables offer fans on Schedule Day a quick reference for which roadtrips are doable and which are too crazy to even consider.

shut up pierre maguire
In this Beverly Cleary-esque children’s book, Sidney Crosby deals with the trials and tribulations that face all kid superstars. His best friend, Colby, is always getting him in trouble. His strict uncle Mario never lets him have any fun. And school sycophant Pierre won’t leave him alone! Can Sid find a way to juggle all this while still winning the big game?

The Poop Devil
Adventurous shellfish eaters everywhere, rejoice! Patrik Elias’ definitive cookbook contains over 10,000 recipes for oysters, mussels and clams, as well as unexpected ingredients such as barnacles, sea sludge and biohazard waste. “The Poop Devil” will stand for years to come as the final authority on food preparation using tainted and foecal components.

colby armstrong short shorts
A picture-a-day 365-day desk calendar featuring the blindingly white upper thighs of Colby Armstrong. Day by day, month by month, Colby models everything from short shorts to speedos to cheerleader skirts; this calendar will bring a smile to the face of translucent-skin enthusiasts all year long.

dany heatley drug attic
Plucky hockey star Dany Heatley wants nothing more than to get a few weeks of peace and quiet after his devastating choke in the Stanley Cup Final, so he beats a retreat from big-city Ottawa to a remote vacation cottage in a sleepy lakeside village in rural Ontario. But what he finds there is anything but relaxing — his vacation rental seems to be haunted. Objects start moving randomly around his house, and unexplained noises wake him up at all hours of the night. Dany might have come up short in the clutch during the championship series, but he decides he won’t be so easily pushed around on his vacation and takes to investigating. And what he finds is even more terrifying than a ghost — there is an illegal drug ring operating out of his attic! With the help of the inexperienced local police chief — a beautiful and sassy recent police academy graduate — Dany must win the biggest game of his life: bringing down the drug smuggling operation that has a conspiracy that just might go all the way to the top!

Turnover Machine patties
In a chatty, light-as-air coffee table book, Brian Rafalski offers useful tips and recipes for making and cooking hamburgers. If you’re looking for a quick and easy gift for Dad on Father’s Day, look no further than this colorfully-illustrated, relatively substance-free tome. Previously found on the discount shelf, “Turnover Machine patties” has recently seen a steep mark-up in price by the publishers, but buyer beware: the dust jacket may have been redesigned, but the meager content remains the same.

Worst Contract Year
Fifty years after his death, the private papers of Chris Drury are published. Comprised of 20 volumes of blank pages, The Chris Drury Archives is hailed as a masterpiece in minimalist art. Debates have raged whether the masterwork should be considered art or literature, but most critics are in agreement that the expanse of unfilled paper fills viewers and readers with a sense of overwhelming boredom and a staggering sense of blandness, uncaptured in any work throughout history. Drury scholars will undoutedbly be kept busy in the coming years deep in study of the significance of the two instances of actual writing. In Volume 6 (The Early Years), on page 892, the initials “LLWS” are scrawled in ecru-colored pencil. The significance of these letters is a mystery. Less of a mystery is the note scratched out in bone-tinted ink on page 1,200 of Volume 11 (2007-08): “worst contract year; slag faced whore?”.

Athlete Awards Presentation Patter
When it comes to big games are you Wayne Gretkzy, but when it comes to making speeches, you’re more Eric Fichaud? Well, this book is for you! Perfect for the athlete terrified of public speaking, “Athlete Awards Presentation Patter” guides awards presenters and winners through those tense 60-seconds of stage time. Blank forms in the back provide potential winners with a handy system of keep track of other nominees to acknowledge. A special “Giovanni” edition, specially sized to fit in the breast pocket of a tailored suit, will be availble for a limited time only.

Jagr’s a drag queen
The first in a sister-series to the popular “Imponderables” books, “Jagr’s a Drag Queen” marks the beginning of the “Obviousables”. In addition to discussing Jagr’s extra-curricular dressing habits, this volume also includes chapters such as “Chelios is Old”, “Getzlaf’s Balding” and “Kevin Lowe’s Desperate”.

i love schnookie
In this Pulitzer Prize-winning collection of poetry, Ryan Miller shares an intimate and at times romantic side of himself not previous on display. Fans of his distinctive, cranky style of post-modern free-form verse will not be disappointed, but those looking for the bold political statements from his landmark collection “driving around buying stuff” will be surprised at the tenderness and heart shown here by the poet.

can you get stitches on head after 3 day
Richard Scarry’s vibrant illustrations bring a sense of playfulness to this emergency medical advice manual for the preschool set.

staffy graph women’s tennis player
When a young, unibrowed prospect for the Buffalo Sabres finds himself in a financial bind, he just doesn’t have time to wait for the new NHL season — and its accompanying paycheck — to start. He owes a boatload of money to his former bandmate after losing a bet on a WTA match, and the clock is ticking on when his buddy is going to expect to collect. So what can an unusually athletic, cash-strapped guy with a taste for women’s tennis to do earn a quick buck? Why, dress in drag and enter the next WTA tournament, of course! Hilarity ensues as he goes to great lengths to create a new female persona to fool the tour officials and his opponents, but before the escapade is over, Staffy is going to learn a few lessons about gender, tennis, friendship… and love.

boxworthy botox
Kitty Kelley’s scandalous unauthorized biography of Zach Parise’s turtle-of-affairs. The book follows Boxworthy from his humble birth in a twig nest in an anonymous pond to his meteoric rise to the powerful station of creature-of-affairs he holds today. Various shocking disclosures made by Ms. Kelley include a sordid, college-years homosexual affair with a tortoise, intimations that Boxworthy himself is the driving force of Parise’s revenge schemes, and allegations that the great turtle has an insatiable appetite for cosmetic surgery.

IPB stands for
Pookie and Schnookie’s ideological manifesto.

chinchilla permit nj
In this hyper-violent novel, a Eurotrashy small-time gangster known just as “Pizza” finds himself involved in an ever-escalating caper revolving around illegal exotic pets. Pizza crosses paths with some of the most flamboyant and sadistic criminals in New Jersey’s seedy underbelly in one blood-spattered 24-hour period that culminates in a gruesome chinchilla-fighting match on which millions of dollars and more than a few lives are at stake. Will Pizza survive the day? Or will the underground, gangster world of chinchilla-importing be more than our antihero can handle?

psycho!nieder
Celebrated defenseman Scott Niedermayer trades in his skates for the psychologist’s couch, offering advice to older, more accomplished siblings struggling with coming to terms with their younger, less talented brothers and sisters. Written in the style of an old-fashioned comic book — “Pow! So you’ve just won your 3rd Cup and baby brother’s still a loser…” — this book is a must for any family struck with crippling talent inequality.

And in exciting news this month, IPB Publishing is proud to introduce a new line of NHL Self Help books; each book is authored by a different NHL star, and they offer guidance on a wide variety of issues facing all of us in everyday life. The first in the series is lecavalier thunder thighs, a health and fitness advice book written from the belief that with the proper level of physical fitness, anyone can be proud of their own thunderous thighs. The next title is IPB giant teeth, Brad Richards’ guide to dental well-being. IPB Publishing then returns to the world of weight management and fitness with Martin Brodeur’s fatten up man, which outlines a ground-breaking new approach to dieting with a honeyed dormice, donuts and Sprite regimen that the author guarantees is a one-way ticket to the Hall of Fame. In the next title in the series, gio beast parts, Brian Gionta offers career-planning advice for those looking to enter the thrilling world of butchery. And in Making Champagne at home Alexander Ovechkin explores the American dream of being your own boss while showing how with just a bathtub and basic kitchen ingredients, you can start a thriving liquor empire in your spare time. Finally, in Jolly Ranger NJ, Scott Gomez outlines how to lose friends and influence people… to hate you!

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