The 95 Theses Of IPB
October 10, 2007 by Schnookie
The flak over the Islanders Blog Box has raised a lot of questions about bloggers writing with the intention of covering their teams like journalists, where the ulimate goal is to get a press pass and access to the dressing rooms. In discussing this on NHL Fanhouse, Greg Wyshynski points out that bloggers are offering a public service. And as public servants, then, we feel it’s time for us to make it clear to you, the public, our Gentle Readers, what our mission is as bloggers. The following is our 95 Theses, which we will be nailing to Bettman’s door tomorrow morning.
1. Global Domination
2. Failing #1, Global Brand Recognition
3. Press passes to Devils games that include access to Lou’s Copy Boy’s secret diary.
4. Free pretzels. Good ones! Not the ones CAA sold.
5. A comment from Mirtle in which he refers to himself as Martle.
6. The Devils winning the Cup every year.
7. Control over the pre-, post- and during- game content on NY Hockey Night Live
8. The chance to kick Stan Fischler in the nuts just once
9. The respect of established bloggers like Greg Wyshynski.
10. Psych! #9 was a total lie!
11. Autonomous control over All-Star rosters. We pick all the players. And we pick which ones will skate shirtless during the game.
12. The right to select one player each month to be permanently banned from further participation in the NHL.
13. The right to replace all of Bucci’s columns with our own.
14. Recognition that we are the arbiters of correct analysis. If we say the Devils are interesting and the Senators are boring, we’re right, and the rest of the hockey media (alternative or otherwise) must fall into step with us. Because we’re tired of reading people ranking on our team. Even if our team deserves it.
15. More free pretzels. We’re still hungry, dammit!
16. And some soft-serve ice cream.
17. And no more Pepsi at arenas. Only Coke.
18. Our suggestions about not making Doc dumb down his calls for national audiences would be acted on, allowing Doc to reclaim his title of “Greatest Play-by-Play Man in All the Land”.
19. Slag-Faced Whores like Gomez, Drury and Smyth being required to wear “SFW” badges on their sweaters.
20. Or better yet, “SFW” brands on their faces.
21. Control over which players get highlighted in national campaigns. Say goodbye to Briere and Gomez and hello to national ads starring Jay Pandolfo and Travis Zajac!
22. Free tickets to the 2009 All-Star Game. Seriously. That would be really nice.
23. The opportunity to view interesting photos and videos on the Devils website that have nothing to do with the new arena.
24. Creative control over a weekly, half-hour television show featuring fluff pieces about NHLers off the ice.
25. Veto power over all future rule changes.
26. Veto power over all future logo changes.
27. Veto power over all past uniform changes. (andrew, we’ve got your back; we’ll get those Sharks unis fixed as soon as our demands are met.)
28. Our picture on the cover of The Hockey News with a headline reading: “Please God, Let These Excellent Bloggers See Their Team Win the Cup!”
29. Each of us being paid the mininum NHL salary. We’re working just as hard here as the lowliest fourth liner or seventh defenseman. Or at least, the fourth liner and seventh d-men on non-Sutter teams.
30. Our blog on every blogroll and mentioned in every Devils preview at the start of each season.
31. Mmmm free pretzels…
32. The ability to write off our cable, satellite and internet bills as “work related expenses”.
33. Our blog quoted by every other major media outlet (television, radio, newspaper, blog, etc.) at least three times a day. Five times a day during the season.
34. The knowledge that, when Mike Rupp says, “It’s good to have interchangeable parts,” he means us.
35. When we are fooled by a bad camera angle and think the puck has crossed the line, it counts as a goal.
36. When we end up riding in hotel elevators with NHL players, they will be as nervous about being in our presence as we are about being in theirs.
37. Every team is required to provide us with interesting player bio content that goes beyond just “[Player X's] favorite pregame meal is chicken and pasta”. We demand to know the recipe for this dish!
38. The Devils publishing their training camp practice times in advance
39. A spot on the Competition Committee
40. An IPB Irregulars couch in the War Room
41. Input on which stories will be beaten to death by the media during the playoffs.
42. The development of a television network for the Devils that is not owned by the Rangers.
43. Failing #41, full control of programming decisions at MSG, meaning we choose which team (Devils, Rangers, Islanders) will be on which channel (MSG, FSN, FSN2) on any given night.
44. A sincere letter of apology from anyone who said the Devils were boring in 2000-01
45. A sincere letter of apology from the 2000-01 Devils
46. Acceptance that life can be all about driving around blogging about stuff.
47. Being referred to by cool nicknames like “Kazoo”.
48. Free pretzels shaped like kazoos.
49. Permission to style players for their yearbook photos.
50. Permission to wear hockey sweaters not just in the press box and dressing rooms, but also to our day jobs and to social functions like weddings and funerals.
51. Permission to replace boring games on TV with feeds of us playing Katamari Damacy.
52. Executive producer credits on Hooters and McCracken, the weekly 70’s-era buddy-cop drama starring Eric Staal and Mike Commodore
53. Possession of 5 “mulligans” we can apply to any game, featuring any teams, at any point during the season, in the event that they really egregiously don’t go the way we want them to.
54. Abolition of the shootout.
55. A return to white sweaters at home and dark sweaters on the road.
56. No nights without hockey from October 1st to June 15.
57. Every team instituting Score-O in place of any intermission “entertainment” that involves giant sumo costumes, tricycles, or wind chambers filled with loose bills of varying denominations.
58. Final say in how hard the rest of the media is allowed to force stories on the public that strive to falsely rehabilitate the images of unusually doucherockety players.
59. A magnetic schedule for this coming season, even though we cannot attend opening night.
60. Access to a real-life “mute” button that can be applied to the non-hockey media whenever they decide to unfairly overemphasize the injurious hits in hockey.
61. The authority to levy fines against officials who make lousy calls that negatively impact the team we prefer in any given game.
62. Veto power over Devils healthy scratches (i.e. the ability to declare when Cam Janssen will not be in the lineup on any given night).
63. A pay-per-view option on all televised games wherein we can watch the game with open on-ice mics and no play-by-play announcers.
64. The option to watch all the games on Center Ice on any of the feeds broadcasting that game.
65. Full casting authority over new and improved intermission shows on VS and NBC.
66. Full veto authority over Brian Engblom’s hair.
67. More free pretzels
68. A league-wide multimedia library, where we can easily find all video features and radio interviews/podcasts produced by each team.
69. No Pierre McGuire. Ever. Anywhere.
70. Especially not “between the benches” or “inside the glass” or anywhere else where he can show off that he is “having conversations” with players.
71. A letter signed by every member of the hockey media admitting that the Devils are not the only team that plays the trap.
72. An outright, global ban on the publication of any sentence that uses the phrase “The Devils are killing hockey”.
73. Every televised NHL game being broadcast in HD on the satellite and/or cable service available to us.
74. The opportunity, every time a player on a team we like sucks so badly we are reduced to shouting in exasperation, “I will drive him to [far-away NHL franchise]“, to actually drive that player to that far-away NHL franchise.
75. The right to refuse to drive that player to that far-away NHL franchise if we were really only joking.
76. Recognition and acceptance of the fact that we are never serious, yet always taking ourselves far too seriously.
77. “The Good Old Hockey Game” and “I Want to Drive the Zamboni” played at all sporting events.
78. “Cotton-Eyed Joe” and “Blitzkreig Bop” played at no sporting events.
79. Jay Pandolfo’s face on American dollar bills
80. Sid Crosby’s caboose on Canadian dollar bills
81. If we’re not in the mood for pretzels, then fresh-popped popcorn instead.
82. The opportunity to host a mandatory seminar for all the higher-ups in the NHL’s league operations explaining that more goals does not always mean more excitement.
83. When we decide to stop blogging, a retirement ceremony at center ice of the Devils arena, in which we are presented with a poor quality painting of us writing our Reasons We Love Hockey series, a silver laptop and a golf cart.
84. An end to the East-Coast bias prattle
85. More players making appearances (either on television or in still photos) while wearing attractive glasses.
86. No outside events booked in NHL arenas during the playoffs
87. Access to a time machine so that we can go back to watching October hockey in May when the playoffs get too stressful to handle.
88. No fewer than three games to choose from on every night of the regular season. None of this “there’s only one game on tonight” crap! If a minimum of three games a night from October 1 until the first day of the playoffs isn’t mathematically possible, then the schedule will have to be adapted to make it happen.
89. A sincere letter of apology from anyone and everyone who ever said Curtis Joseph was a better goaltender than Marty Brodeur.
90. A sincere letter of apology from the person responsible for the unbalanced schedule, and a promise from the league to make up for the hours we spent watching more Rangers and Islanders games than any person should ever have to over the span of this failed experiment.
91. A re-vote on the 2003 Conn Smythe. And you all know why.
92. A re-vote on the 2007 Selke Trophy. And you all know why that one, too.
93. We’re not entirely sure we’ve gotten enough free pretzels, so some more of those, please!
94. An $800 million buyout offer from the NHL for IPB.
95. The right to be as serious or as frivolous as we wish, and living up to whatever standards we set for ourselves.
Pssst….. I’m in on the press pass bandwagon-the Bears have agreed to let me in once in a while.
So yeah. Which of these 95 theses do you want me to work on first? And, do you have any questions you’re dying to have asked of a half-naked AHLer?
91. A re-vote on the 2003 Conn Smythe. And you all know why.
Not this again. :P Basically, you guys seem to prefer the Diet of Pretzels to the Diet of Worms.
55. A return to white sweaters at home and dark sweaters on the road.
Man, I thought I was the only one who wanted this!
And word to all 95 of these theses.
I’m in on the press pass bandwagon-the Bears have agreed to let me in once in a while.
Dang! How do I convince the Bulldogs to do the same for me. It’s just not same as the monthly e-mails from them telling me I’m “FANtastic”.
Basically, you guys seem to prefer the Diet of Pretzels to the Diet of Worms.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::: Nicely done!
Man, I thought I was the only one who wanted this!
At this point it’s not even an aesthetic thing for me — I am apparently really, honestly and irrevocably hardwired to think white = home and dark = road. How many years has it been switched? And I still only realize halfway through games on TV which building the game’s in? It’s a disaster, I tells ya!
:::applause:::
These are brilliant (and hysterical!)
86. No outside events booked in NHL arenas during the playoffs
You mean Dora the Explorer shouldn’t have priority over NHL playoff hockey in an NHL arena? Surely you jest! ;)
91. A re-vote on the 2003 Conn Smythe. And you all know why.
So you’d start the ‘94 season with Scott on his couch?
92. A re-vote on the 2007 Selke Trophy. And you all know why that one, too.
I think if you ran this now Sammy would win in a landslide.
You could probably also add that you wouldn’t see hockey and references to Martin Luther in the same post on a “professional blog” either.
‘94
Oops. I meant ‘04. McErlain’s going to kill me.
So you’d start the ‘04 season with Scott on his couch?
Eh, considering how that season went, it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. (And like how I went in there and fixed the date in the quote? Just giving you a taste of what it’s like to have an editor…)
I have not even read #9 yet and my face and gut are already hurting from laughing. Oh, I can just picture the look on the Mavens face.
This. is. awesome.
Hahaha, I love it! If 1 happens, can you find a replacement for Bettman, change it so goalies can wear the C, and have everyone drink the kool-aid?
Fucking Flyers! Oh sorry…this is absolutely fabulous by the way. IPB gets those edorphins going.
Excellent, excellent, EXCELLENT! Beautiful stuff.
17. And no more Pepsi at arenas. Only Coke.
This is a reason I love the Stars. I’d really have trouble if it was Pepsi at the AAC.
17. And no more Pepsi at arenas. Only Coke.
This is a reason I love the Stars. I’d really have trouble if it was Pepsi at the AAC.
I always thought Dr. Pepper was a Pepsi thing. Huh. Well, you learn something new every day. How awesome would it be if there was a Mr. Pibb Arena? I’d love that team sooo much.
Bye bye Matvichuk
Ookies, have you seen that?
Bye bye Matvichuk
Ookies, have you seen that?
Yeah, we did see that (In Lou We Trust and 2MA both covered it so we figured we didn’t need too. Or something like that. Because that’s just the kind of blogging professionals we are!) and frankly, we’d both be a lot more surprised if we hadn’t seen him in that training camp practice we attended. He looked confused, slow and not particularly interested in learning what Larry had to teach him. We wish him the best! Something tells me the process of removing him from the team will not be easy. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to take him at his salary. Lou’s said he’s not going to waive him, but… Let’s just say I won’t be surprised if he shows up on Lowell’s LTIR tomorrow morning.
Wait, I’m the catalyst for the hilarious list, and not one $#@!$% plug for my book in 95 different bullet points? Sheesh…
BTW, you might want to consider Pando on American bills. I like money that cashes in once in a while.
Oh, and I agree that the shootout should be abolished. It’s killing hockey. Like the Devils…
I HATE hockey!
I agree with Lou’s comments, but I still think, to some extent, he is still valuable to our team until Whitey gets back.
Oh and I loved Sutter’s comments about the loss to Ottawa namely the one about only playing for 40 minutes. Didn’t he do his homework? Last season was all about not playing a full 60 minutes, except this season it’s us not showing up to the first.
Oh, and I agree that the shootout should be abolished. It’s killing hockey. Like the Devils…
Enjoy being able to say stuff like that now, Greg — the time is drawing near that we’ll be influential enough to enact that global ban. (Oh, and thanks for the comment!)
Poor alix! So sorry. It’s early in the season!
Thank god we only see the Flyers like once every 5 years. I HATE them. We’re starting to look leafesque. That’s what I get for mocking the leafs. Karma’s a bitch.
Ha thanks Patty.
alix, we’re watching the Pens/Habs game on tivo delay (it was Pookie’s late night on the reference desk) — what’s going on in your game? Other, of course, than the Canucks, um, not doing so well…
Am I allowed to stop watching? 6-2. I mean there’s still a period to go but I dunno…this blows. Where the hell is the d?!?!?!
I know andrew’s not around, but I mentioned that I was benching Vokoun in favor of Holmqvist. Turns out I’d make a good coach, since the Panthers benched him, too.
alix, if you had a period to go and were down 4-0, you might think there was a chance to come back, right?
It could still happen!
Go coach Patty! And yes you’re right. I have to keep watching. AV might kick their asses in the intermission and they might come out flying. It’s just so painful!
alix, you have to keep watching, because how hard would you be kicking yourself tomorrow morning when you find out they staged a massive comeback!
That’s a good point Schnookie. But now it’s 7-2. They’re kiiillling me!
The comeback is just going to be that much more historic, alix.
I’m down with a Pepsi ban at all arenas. If you agree to feature Tallinder and Lydman in a national ad campaign, I’m fully behind your plan for global domination.
Great idea, Heather! I so want to see Toni and Hank’s ad campaign. Are you super excited about tomorrow?
Kate, I’m so pumped! I really just want to skip work and go straight to the arena!
Thanks Schnookie! It’s just such a weird game. Luongo’s been pulled. Our D sucks. And our power play is actually working. Up is down and down is up. You’re right. I should think positive. It will be historic. AV is probably slapping babies behind the bench.
I think they will win tomorrow. They just need you to get them started.
Sorry about your boys, alix! Schnookie’s right. You should stay up for the historic comeback!
Kate, I think you’re right. Clearly Hank and Toni were thrown by our absence at the home opener. How else to explain their performances? Tomorrow night they’ll feel calm and transcendent even if they’re not sure why.
I think we can make room for a Toni/Hank ad campaign, if you pick us up an extra Sabres magnetic schedule… :D
I don’t understand why arenas would serve Pepsi. I mean, don’t they realize it’s nasty, nasty swill? Don’t they realize Diet Pepsi doesn’t taste anything like Diet Coke? It is not a suitable substitute, people!
Thanks Katebits. 20 minutes is a long time right? And it’s only October. 3 games in. No need to panic yet.
Ewwww! Pepsi is nasty. I hate at resteraunts how they ask you is pepsi ok. No it’s not!
Schnookie, I’ll get right on that magnetic calendar. Toni and Hank will be so cute! They’ll be shocked you want them for your ads! “I think you guys want Ryan. He’s the stringy-haired kid over there.”
Also “Cotton-Eyed Joe”? SO with you. I don’t know where you came from Joe, but I’ll gladly tell you where you can go.
“I think you guys want Ryan. He’s the stringy-haired kid over there.”
Oh, I’ll already have Ryan. They won’t have to point him out.
alix, Pookie was just going off on a tired-from-the-late-shift rant about how much she hates when restaurants don’t even tell you they’re giving you Pepsi. I was all, “I’m pretty sure most restaurants do mention when they have Pepsi,” and she exploded, “NO! It’s like at that Mexican restaurant when they gave me a can of Pepsi. At least I could send that back…” I have no idea what she was talking about. There are not many Mexican restaurants around here, so I think she’s been hallucinating.
Oh, Pookie just clarified which Mexican restaurant she was talking about: “You know. The one I went to for that office lunch. The one where I ordered a steak and chicken fajita and was shocked to discover it had steak in it.” I don’t think that lunch was one of Pookie’s finer moments.
I don’t know where you came from Joe, but I’ll gladly tell you where you can go.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
It’s early in the day, Heather, but that might be a tough one for anyone to top in the Quest For The TCTMSLOLTH Award.
alix, I don’t know. It is three games into the season. Clearly the Canucks are struggling. I think it’s time to trade Luongo because the team is done. Done!
:^::::::::::: Not a good day for Pookie. But I’ve heard that they do sneak it by you sometimes.
I don’t think that lunch was one of Pookie’s finer moments.
In my defense, I clearly ordered a Coke and the menu seemed like it meant steak or chicken fajita, so I clearly ordered a “CHICKEN fajita”. And further in my defense, when I got the fajita and discovered it’s steakly innards, I said, “Well, I don’t know what I was expecting…”
Clearly we should just tank the season Heather and get those first draft picks. And yup. One bad game means Luongo has to go.
See, this is what Pepsi does to Coke drinkers, people! It’s not right!
Well, the comeback can begin now — we’ve got the ‘Nucks game on. Come on boys! You can do it!
I wish I was lying when I said one of the larger Sabres message boards currently has a very long thread entitled “IS RYAN MILLER OVERRATED??!!?!” in which people are complaining that he’s clearly going to have a terrible season and not ready to carry the team.
Dude. When a waitperson doesn’t say “Is Pepsi okay?” when i order a Diet Coke, and then they bring me a diet pepsi without warning me, I take note.
No, Diet Pepsi is NOT okay. Thank you for asking.
I wish I was lying when I said one of the larger Sabres message boards currently has a very long thread entitled “IS RYAN MILLER OVERRATED??!!?!” in which people are complaining that he’s clearly going to have a terrible season and not ready to carry the team.
Oh, Heather! Look away! They are all crazy! In a few weeks they will all be bitching that Darcy hasn’t locked Crunchy in for life yet.
Kate, for some reason the message boards don’t make me too irate. I’ve reached the point where I’m more entertained laughing at the fools. And I only read the read outrageous threads and I only wander over there occasionally.
Sports radio however pisses me off big time. I do not listen to it at all during the season - or much in the off-season - because it makes my blood boil. I don’t know what the difference is that one upsets me more than the other.
The with-no-warning Pepsi/Coke switcheroo is unconscionable.
Heather, there is no reason at all for you to be reading message boards! Seriously! Stop it! It’s only hurting you!!
Oh god. Some ass hole Flyer just punched Kesler in the head with his stick. I’m just listening to it on the radio so I can’t see what’s happening. Apparantly he was knocked out. Poor Kez.
How bad was that play just now by Boulerice? Even the Flyers announcers are disgusted by it.
Oh, and Heather, you’re so right that sports radio is way worse than the message boards. I think it’s because you can clearly hear how stupid the people are, and tone doesn’t convey on the message boards…
alix, he didn’t punch him in the head with his stick so much as he tried to decapitate him with a cross-check. And seriously, even the Flyers announcers are disgusted.
Schnookie, the tone probably is the difference. On the radio it’s clear that, oh, they really DO think we should trade Crunchy, fire Lindy, and send Goose down even though he’d never clear waivers.
I have no idea why Boulerice would do that to Kesler. Totally unwarranted and not really helping after the whole Downie thing. Sheesh.
Brutal Schnookie. What a little bitch. I’m so mad. I hate when shit like that goes down.
I am SO in agreement about the talk radio being the worst. I often feel physically ill from the radio.
Yeah, the Flyers announcers seemed pretty much speechless. Sorry about that, alix!
And sorry about that last goal…
alix, it seems there is no justice in this world. I’m so, so sorry.
Oh, poor Vancouver. Ouch. This is brutal.
I hate when shit like that goes down.
How long’s the penalty for attempted decapitation. Seriously, the Flyers’ announcers are disgusted —–> Not a good thing.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
If I’m in a brave mood, when I ask for a Coke and they say is Pepsi okay, I say, “for what?”
But over the years, I’ve finally figured out what to say. When I order my drink I always say, “Do you have Coca Cola?” Then they’ll say yes, or no, or we have Pepsi.
I also like to pick fights in the drive-thru when they try to tell me I’m an idiot for not getting the combo of whatever I’m ordering. I like to get to the point where I can say, Look, I don’t drink Pepsi. I’d rather pay an extra twenty cents to order a la carte, than be forced to figure out how to dispose of the Pepsi. :D
Fucking flyers(sorry Kristin) And thanks everybody. I think they’re just too shaken up about such a bad game and the hit and everything. Oh being a hockey fan. Such extreme highs and extreme lows.
That Boulerice is a punk. I thought he retired.
Aww, crap, I just realized Briere scored tonight. I’m going to have to avoid one of my co-workers at all costs tomorrow.
Oh being a hockey fan. Such extreme highs and extreme lows.
But it makes the peaks and valleys of real life seem that much smoother by comparison, right? Right?
On that note, it’s time for stately IPB Manor to shut down for the night. See you all in the morning!
WTF? Stay klassy, Philadelphia. Wow. (Again the announcers sound embarrassed by their team. Bear in mind these are Flyers homers.)
Oh lovely. Now a fucking brawl. Why would you bother knocking the goaltender when you’re up 8-3 and a minute left.
alix, because you’re Philly. That’s reason enough.
Night ookies! And yeah good point Heather. Wow, I despise the flyers.
I am unfamiliar with this despise…last season was just so…sad…it’s nice to feel hatred instead of awkward pity…weird, but nice.
kristin, hee! Yeah, I guess I’d prefer to be hated rather than pitied. Congratulations, I guess! :-)
Well I’m off to bed before I slit my wrists :P Good night Heather, Kristin. Anyone else who’s hanging around…
On the radio it’s clear that, oh, they really DO think we should trade Crunchy, fire Lindy, and send Goose down even though he’d never clear waivers.
If the Sabres lose tonight, I would bet very good money on the fact that tomorrow’s talk radio topic will be about how Miller shouldn’t have played, since he’s dealing with the loss of his cousin from leukemia (this is the “Matt Man” that Miller has on the back of his mask).
And that Boulerice hit was nasty. There’s no need for that in hockey at all.
Amy, I was just reading about Matt Man. So sad. I’m wondering if that is part of why Ryan has looked a little off. (Not that the wretched defense in front of him helped at all.)
Oh, so that’s why Drew Miller was in street clothes last night!
Memo to Canucks fans:
I, the Fantasy Hockey Kiss o’Death, have a one Roberto Luongo on my roster. This week he has a GAA over 12. I deeply apologize for destroying Vancouver’s season.
Sincerely,
Morgan
GM Mmmm Kool-Aid.
Memo to Canucks fans:
Second memo to Canucks fans: if there’s any hope to be taken, it’s that last years Ducks also got creamed at home by the Flyers (7-3 if I recall), and it inspired a cup win.
I had been wondering about Luongo, but then realized he kind of had that stink of “being on Morgan’s fantasy team” all over him. Nice one!
Well then, I guess it is a good thing that if somebody was going to steal Pronger off of the waiver wire from me, that it was Morgan.
Second memo to Canucks fans: if there’s any hope to be taken, it’s that last years Ducks also got creamed at home by the Flyers (7-3 if I recall), and it inspired a cup win.
Furthermore, last year’s Ducks were beaten hugely by a regular-old Flyers team. The Canucks were beaten hugely by a Lego-fueled Flyers team — who could possibly expect to get a win in the face of that? I’m fairly confident the Canucks are going to find themselves winners of a Lego Stanley Cup in June.
Dearest -Ookies,
My quest for obtain a magnetic schedule for adornment in Stately IPB Manor has ended before it has even begun. For the Devils announced their promotional schedule, and they will be giving out magnetic schedules not at the first, third, or fourth games of the year, but at the second, which falls on Halloween. And if there’s one thing I love equally to hockey, it’s Halloween, and I will not be in attendance that evening. I regret the inconvience the Devils promotional calendar has caused and hope that perhaps someone who is not such a Halloweenie can take up the task of obtaining a Devils Magnetic Schedule for adornment in Stately IPB Manor.
Warmest Regards,
Josh
What’s up, Kazoos?
I saw this one, and it got me all choked up:
“27. Veto power over all past uniform changes. (andrew, we’ve got your back; we’ll get those Sharks unis fixed as soon as our demands are met.)”
Make it so!
Aw, Josh, thanks so much for the magnetic schedule update! And a million thanks for your valiant efforts. I wholeheartedly support your prioritization of Halloween over hockey (while it’s not the choice I would make, I’m the one who chooses to watch America’s Next Top Model on tivo delay on Wednesday nights before starting whatever hockey I tivoed that night. I mean, hockey comes before most things, but certainly not all things!), and will remain hopeful that someone out there in the interwebs has noted our pleas and will find a way to get us a magnetic schedule. And seriously, what is wrong with the Devils that they’re not handing them out at the first game? What, are they giving away some dumb “arena opening” gewgaw? (I still have my commemorative coin from the ‘96 World Cup of Hockey inaugural event at the FU/Wachovia/Corestate Center.)
If we end up without a magnetic schedulue, all is not lost. We were watching the Pens game last night and discovered we’re going to be there next week for schedule mousepad night. That’s AWESOME!
What’s up, Kazoos?
Woo hoo! Check one off the list! Only 94 Theses to go!
I’m glad you liked our promise to rid the world of the new Sharks unis. I feel like that’s a platform that should make us pretty popular, sort of counteracting some of more unpopular choices like the Devils winning the Cup every year. But it’s a fair trade-off, right?
What, are they giving away some dumb “arena opening” gewgaw?
They indeed are. Some kind of limited-edition (limited to say 17,435 or so?) Prudential Center “print”. Whatever, it’s free, I’ll take it. Me likes the free things.
“…sort of counteracting some of more unpopular choices like the Devils winning the Cup every year. But it’s a fair trade-off, right?”
Oh yeah!! Totally fair. seesh…
BTW, I found out during the broadcast that opening night (Saturday) is none other than magnetic schedule night. Tracie and I will be there!!! Woo Hoo!
I have made my observations.
I have tabulated the results.
I will now grandstand on this comment thread about the BATTLE OF K/CRAZY-BURG between the Isles and the Rangers!
Let me start by saying this: I love watching games at home: comfortable; no need to ford across Urine Lake in a public restroom; the fat-stick close at hand so I can still keep up with Cavemen or Cribs or whatever and no 7.25$ USD beers.
That said, there’s nothing like the visceral excitement a live game gives you, anywhere. No announcers, no Screechy McGuire’s, just the camaraderie of your fellow fans and really dry pretzels left over from The Wiggles or arena football.
I’ve been to games in livestock arenas (Austin, TX); casino ice rinks (Las Vegas, NV) and concrete behemoths (Great Wetern Forum Vancouver, BC). Each one is unique and carried the excitement of live hockey. That said, lemme begin this in the Nassau Vets Coliseum parking lot:
I got out of my truck having heard the lineups announced to the background music of Sabbath’s “Paranoid”; a thirty second Bloomberg update that would have taken other news radio 5 minutes to roll through and the play in of Van Halen’s “Running w/ the Devil”. So far krazy scores four ketchups to none (thank you Ozzy, DLR and Mayor Bloomberg).
PARKING LOT: Beer in bootles and on asphalt, half consumed white wine bottles (plural, as in two in different parts of the lot) and lots of shouting. Mostly good natured by the orange and blue supporters. Ranger fans mostly swearing and issuing random threats of beatings and penetrations.
SCORE- Krazy: Fast Times at Ridgemont High; Crazy: River’s Edge.
LINEUPS: The Isles have one scoring line and four checking lines. Guerin, Comrie and Fedetenko look pretty good very early in the season. And I think they need to be, esp since your next line is Sillinger, Hunter and New-guy-who-won-radio-contest-to-skate-with-the-Isles-tonight. I will say that those also-rans played like bastards last night, esp Park, Vasic-something. The Rangers have the names and the talent for three legit scoring lines.
SCORE- Krazy: bikini model with Abe Lincoln head; Crazy: Rangers line-up (crazy is allowed moments of lucidity).
ON ICE: The Islanders did everything well enough. Their PP scored once (the one-eyed Berard signing looks genius now) and Bergeron’s 3v3 goal was a bullet that Hank never had a chance on and never saw. I know DP is always thrown up as the magic man, but the Isle’s PK (esp w/ Silli and Hunter) did everything right. The Rick gave up rebounds like he was taunting the Rangers. His defense spent the time sweeping up all those crumbs and still won. Amazing. The fact that Gomez choked twice in front of net was really really special. Really
SCORE- Krazy: Gwar; Crazy: GG Allin.
FANS: This is a division rivalry as well as territorial. That said, the Isles were out-shouted with the traditional “Let’s Go Ran-juhs!” during several lulls. But the Isles fans won me over with their rendition of the Chicken Dance. The song begins and everyone (really everyone) stands. Song plays: Duh-du-dudda-duh-du-dut, Duh-du-dudda-duh-du-dut, Duh-du-dudda-duh-du-dut (Vox in unison): “THE RAN-JUH’s SUCK!” Everyone cheers, the song continues, the second time louder than the first: “THE RAN-JUH’S SUCK!”. A third time, the same. Pure Nassau magic!
SCORE: Krazy: bus station nut; Crazy: Subway car nut (the only arguable tie of the night, edge Isles/ Krazy).
FINAL SCORE: KRAZY WINS! THE KRAAAAAAAAAAAAZY WINS!!!!! But only by an eleventy two-th of a percentage point, pribably due entirely to the wine bottles and Gomez’ performance. (Thanks for this last krazy numbering system from either Heather B or K-bizz-its)
Whatever, it’s free, I’ll take it. Me likes the free things.
It totally doesn’t matter to me what they’re giving away — I love them all. Just this weekend I was shoveling fresh litter into our cats’ litter boxes and realized the tool I was using to scoop the stuff out of the gazillion-pound container was none other than the free Devils logoed “beer mug” they gave out on St. Patrick’s Day a year or two before the lockout. (If by “mug” they meant “plastic pint glass”, then I have no problem with how they chose to describe this particular promotional item.) How fantastic that I have a Devils-branded kitty litter scooper, and I didn’t have to pay a dime for it!
andrew, I am both thrilled for your good fortune to be attending magnetic schedule night and also bitterly jealous. If you get an extra one, send it our way and we’ll put it on the fridge and say every time we walk past it, “If you stare at that hard enough you might see it turn into a Devils schedule.”
*Standing ovation*
Stalky, that was beautiful! I have been struck speechless.
(You especially brought a tear with your rendition of the “THE RANGERS SUCK!” chicken dance thing. The greatest version of that that you can ever hear is when the Devils are on the Island. The two fanbases will sit there in the dank arena, bored of each other and how surprisingly uninteresting their geographic rivalry is, and then suddenly the Chicken Dance starts up and everyone is screaming it. Aw man, but I love hating the Rangers sometimes…)
“SCORE- Krazy: Gwar; Crazy: GG Allin.”
I dunno, Stalky. GG Allin was one seriously Krazy, messed up dude. Gwar is just awesome, Allin was actually dangerous.
“17. And no more Pepsi at arenas. Only Coke.”
Wait, wait, wait….you’re telling me they actually serve soft drinks at hockey games? and people drink them?!?! What the hell!!?? Won’t someone think of the beer?!
Wait, wait, wait….you’re telling me they actually serve soft drinks at hockey games? and people drink them?!?! What the hell!!?? Won’t someone think of the beer?!
I had a feeling that one would come as a shock to you, andrew.
“andrew, I am both thrilled for your good fortune to be attending magnetic schedule night and also bitterly jealous. If you get an extra one, send it our way…”
Will do! But somehow I doubt the electric-teal-ninja-shark will every look like a NJ Devils logo, no matter how hard you stare.
And holy shit!!! I am so excited!!! Not only is it the home opener, but also, we’re staying with a friend in SF and taking BART to the arena…so no paying for parking, we can both get shitty because there’s no driving, and we get a place to drink after the game. AAAANNND, there’s a big ass Octoberfest celebration going on in SF on Sunday!! So we get to wake up to steins of beer and various grilled meats on sticks. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?!
Yeah, GG was dangerous, but his Jabber’s stuff is really kick ass.
I think I used the krazy v. crazy definitions from the other day’s discussion. Krazy being more playful and entertaining and crazy having the capability to be confusing and maddening. Gwar is some of the best theatre and punk art I can think of. The GG reference was not meant to invoke his threats of violence to his crowds but more like a sad “I can’t really believe it” type of crazy. And I felt the Rangers have something of that in their obvious on ice failures right now. And the Isles, esp w/ DP flopping around the crease are theatre of the absurd in my eyes.
andrew, there are times where it seems to me that you’re living a charmed life.
“andrew, there are times where it seems to me that you’re living a charmed life.”
Don’t worry Schnookie, in between my fun weekends are the mind numbing civil service job and the backbreaking manual labor of landscaping my backyard. I just try to focus on the high points, otherwise I might cry.
“Krazy being more playful and entertaining and crazy having the capability to be confusing and maddening.”
Ahh, makes sense. I was thinking of Krazy as in a notch above crazy, like going way up into the Krazysphere. Seriously though, Gwar is so much fun, I love those guys.
Stalky, that was beautiful! The Isles are like the textbook definition of theater of the absurd. My mind just wandered to Beckett, which led me to “Krapps’s Last Tape”, which led me to bananas, which, of course, lead me to Pretty Ricky licking banana cream pie off his mask. See, proof right there the Islanders are indeed Krazy.
andrew, you’re living under a lucky star, my friend. Enjoy the game, the drinks, the meat and especially, the magnetic schedule.
Speaking of magnetic schedules, thanks Josh, for thinking of us anyway. I appreicate it. I saw on the Penguins site that they were giving away schedule mousepads and thought, “Cook!” So imagine my delight when I saw I’d be getting my little mitts on one! Woo-hoo!
On a vaguely related aside, to any of our Buffalonians who might be reading right now, there isn’t any chance we’re getting cook free shit at the Leafs and/or Jackets games next week, are we? (I mean, other than the bacchanal of free luxury items we’ll be getting from the Harbour Club.)
Gwar=always a good show.
Next Friday duirng CMJ music week, The Dirtbombs are playing in Brooklyn and I’m probably going to go, esp as I missed The Armitage Shanks two weeks back.
“Next Friday duirng CMJ music week, The Dirtbombs are playing in Brooklyn and I’m probably going to go…”
Should be a good show. They seem like such a fun band.
“Enjoy the game, the drinks, the meat and especially, the magnetic schedule.”
Oh, don’t you worry…the magnetic schedule will be rocking the front of the fridge. All season long!
Oh, don’t you worry…the magnetic schedule will be rocking the front of the fridge. All season long!
*collapses in tears*
*slowly pulls self together*
*wipes snot away with the back of hand while attempting to convey a semblance of self respect*
That’s okay. I didn’t want one anyway. I mean, I’m going to be mousing over the Pens schedule all season long. And that’s good too, right?
On a vaguely related aside, to any of our Buffalonians who might be reading right now, there isn’t any chance we’re getting cook free shit at the Leafs and/or Jackets games next week, are we?
I don’t know how to find out if we will be receiving free shit. Now I’m all curious. And I really want a magnetic schedule.
I don’t know how to find out if we will be receiving free shit.
I guess it will just have to a wonderful surprise. I hope the minks they hand out at the Harbour Club are dyed Sabres colors. Or better yet, that they’re not minks at all, but are made out of genuine Buffaslug pelts!
I’m going to get some heavy duty magnets and stick both the Pens mouse-pad and the Buffaslug pelt to the fridge. And it’ll blow the pants of a boring old magnetic schedule which I never wanted in the first place! Oh yes, it will!
Oh, I already have my Buffaslug skin jumpsuit back from the dry cleaners! I’m ready to go!
Buffalslug pelts are what they mean by “business casual” in the Harbour Club.
“That’s okay. I didn’t want one anyway. I mean, I’m going to be mousing over the Pens schedule all season long. And that’s good too, right?”
Okay, okay…if they give one to each of us, and I don’t lose one or both of them in a drunken stupor, I’ll send you one.
BUT! You have to promise to root for the Sharks, and maybe send me a Sabres magnetic calendar if you guys get one.
*wringing hands nervously* I really want some free Sabres swag now. I don’t care at all what it is.
andrew, you know we’ll share whatever we get from the Sabres with you! And as for rooting for the Sharks, we’ve been trying. They just keep losing when we’re watching! :P
So if I need to be in my business casual buffaslug pelts to get into the Harbour Club, but can’t get a buffaslug pelt until I’m let in and am handed my free swag, how am I going to get access to the Harbour Club?
“And as for rooting for the Sharks, we’ve been trying. They just keep losing when we’re watching!”
True, but so do the Sabres, Devils, and Penguins. Crap! Is anyone winning? I swear to god, I am not rooting for the Crapitals this year.
Dear sisters Ookie,
Thank you for such an eloquent piece. (And as a good Pennsylvania Dutch Brethren girl, I’m totally with you on the pretzels, Coke, and more pretzels bit.)
Lots of love from a HLOG sister,
Nadine
PS to alix: I join Kristin in expressing the condolences with regard to Boulerice. I’ll be sure to rip him a new one on my blog, like I did with he-who-shall-not-be-named-ever-again-in-my-presence.
So if I need to be in my business casual buffaslug pelts to get into the Harbour Club, but can’t get a buffaslug pelt until I’m let in and am handed my free swag, how am I going to get access to the Harbour Club?
This is how they keep the riff-raff out. The Harbour Club doesn’t look kindly on first generation buffalslug pelt owners. If your pelt hasn’t been handed down generation to generation, you’re not welcome in the Club.
Crap! Is anyone winning?
Cue Sherry anytime she wants to brag. On the Ottawa telecast yesterday, I found out not only are the Sens 5-0 to start the year, but apparently they went 7-0 in the preseason as well.
How nice of them not to bring their “A” game to the SCF.
Nadine, glad you liked the 95 Theses! Thanks to having a guy like Cam Janssen on my team, I can somewhat understand how it feels to be stuck with a Boulerice after an incident like last night’s. I’m so sorry!
“How nice of them not to bring their “A” game to the SCF.”
Seriously! You dodged a bullet there, Earl!
Are you gonna go to the game when they come into Anaheim this year?
I swear to god, I am not rooting for the Crapitals this year.
It’s looking increasingly like I’m not going to either. But don’t tell CapsChick, okay?
Nadine, it’s great to hear from you! And when we begin reaping the IPB whirlwind and have more pretzels than we can eat, we’ll be sure to share them with you!
Katebits, I am very troubled by the Harbour Club’s elitism and snobbery. I will not abide this discrimination, and I will take this to the Supreme Court if I have to. Dammit, I will be permitted access to the Harbour Club and all the gold-flecked $500 martinis I can drink!
I don’t know how to find out if we will be receiving free shit. Now I’m all curious. And I really want a magnetic schedule.
I’m not sure what game y’all are going to (and I’m totally jealous about you going to the fancy-schmancy Harbour Club), but I did recall reading that the Sabres-Cbus game is the Sabres Hockey Fights Cancer night, so I wonder if there is going to be some swag associated with that?
Probably the only way you could find out would be to call the Sabres themselves.
How nice of them not to bring their “A” game to the SCF.
I think it’s less that they’re bringing their “A” game every night now and more that everyone else in the East is bringing their “D” games or worse.
Probably the only way you could find out would be to call the Sabres themselves.
CALL the Sabres??? But this is the age of the interwebs! I shouldn’t ever have to interact with a human being to find stuff out!
Are you gonna go to the game when they come into Anaheim this year?
Actually, kind of by default, I am! I got seven games for our mini-group (of which I get three) and told my dad and his friend I was taking the Sharks game and the Kings game, but they could choose what they wanted out of the other five and leave me the last game.
So out of the choices of VAN x2, MIN, COL, and OTT, I got left with the Ottawa rematch. Should be a blast!
BTW, the interview with Scott & Teemu yesterday was brilliant. Ten minutes and not one single thing revealed (except neither has been skating).
Thanks Nadine. That’s sweet. That makes me feel better hearing about the Ducks. Well maybe it was good to hit rock bottom so early in the year…
Ahhh so Luongo is all because of Morgan! Damn you Morgan. (not really) I think his knee is bugging him more than he is letting on. So, I’m guessing everyone else had a better game to watch last night than I did?
‘BTW, the interview with Scott & Teemu yesterday was brilliant. Ten minutes and not one single thing revealed (except neither has been skating).”
Yeah, I watched that with my finger on the proverbial Yahoo fantasy hockey trigger. What do we get? Squat!
That will be a fun game, lots of penalty box harassment, I’m sure.
CALL the Sabres??? But this is the age of the interwebs! I shouldn’t ever have to interact with a human being to find stuff out!
I know! [/end Monica Gellar]. But for whatever reason, the Sabres don’t feel the need to share their promos with the public until they happen; unlike every other professional sports team out there.
But for whatever reason, the Sabres don’t feel the need to share their promos with the public until they happen; unlike every other professional sports team out there.
Yeah, you know you’re being overly obtuse with your PR if even the Devils are capable of publicizing things better than you do.
Katebits, I am very troubled by the Harbour Club’s elitism and snobbery. I will not abide this discrimination, and I will take this to the Supreme Court if I have to. Dammit, I will be permitted access to the Harbour Club and all the gold-flecked $500 martinis I can drink!
Well, they are going to let you in Schnookie, but you’ll have to sit in a separate section called the “New Pelt Box”. You’ll get to go into the Harbour Club, but you won’t get to speak or ask questions. It’s just an experiment the Sabres are trying. The whole thing is sponsored by Eklund though, so you should keep that in mind. If you behave yourself, and act like a real Harbour Clubian over a prolonged period of time, the FanHouse will take a vote and decide if you can leave the New Pelt Box.
I HAVE CABLE! I HAVE CENTER ICE! I AM IN STATE OF TOTAL POMMERDOODLOCITY!
Okay, that’s enough of things in caps. Seriously though, what better way to cheer up a person that’s working on less than 2 hours of sleep and is stuck in gray cold icky rainy weather? Other than skipping my last two classes of the day to stay in bed and watch TV and possible take an extreme nap. After that, I’m waking up around maybe 5ish to prepare a nice-ish dinner and watching the Devils game. And I got the representative from TWC to give me the early bird special even though it ended on Tuesday. He didn’t want to at first, but I guess he talked to someone higher up and he said that they would do it.
I asked about the NHL Network and they said that they are still working out a deal and he’s not sure when they will get it. So, CNY is out of the picture for that at least for now even though they supposedly worked out a deal with TWC. That was kind of a bummer, but CI is the most important thing. The cable guy did mess up my bed by taking two posts o