It is far too early in the season to be handing out report cards (if it isn’t, we’d be really scared about Mirtle’s projection of 57 points for the Devils), but if we can’t hand out report cards, we at least need to have a parent-teacher conference with Mr. and Mrs. Devils. We have some concerns and hope that by addressing them now the Devils can pull themselves together before they spiral into in-house suspension territory. Here at IPB Academy, we believe parent-teacher conferences are informal discussions that don’t need the stress of actual numbers brought into the equation. There will be time enough for stats, wins and losses when report card time rolls around. So with the halls bedecked with the players’ construction paper artwork, we invited Mr. and Mrs. Devils to the classroom for a little chat:
IPB: Thanks for coming in today to talk with us, Mr. and Mrs. Devils.
Mr. & Mrs. D: [Settling uncomfortably into child-sized chairs] Should we be concerned about our child?
IPB: [Laughing in a combination of nervousness and condescension] Well, “concerned” is a very strong word, but… yes. Yes you should be.
Mrs. D: [Clutches pearls] Oh no! I knew we should never have moved! All the travel, all the uncertainty, all the unfamiliar surroundings! [Spins on Mr. D] This is all your fault!
Mr. D: My fault? But our old house was about to be condemned! We had no choice! And weren’t you the one complaining just last week about how the rats chewed through the sofa?!