Ahhh… random Penguins/Western Conference games – nothing makes us feel more like relaxing Fall hockey quite like that. Tonight’s opponent: the Avs. Steigy kicks things off by telling us it was an “absolutely beautiful day” in Denver, and Pookie says, “Of course it was – Sid was there!”
Intriguing – Sabourin is starting his second in a row. Who says they don’t have faith in Fleury in Pittsburgh? And in the other net, our favorite punchline Jose Theodore. This should be fun.
17:59 Schnookie stops puttering with the laptop and announces, “I have not been paying attention here.” Pookie brings her up to date: “Sid’s first shift was kind of buzzing.” That’s all either of us cares about.
17:18 Sid puts an end to the buzzing by taking a tiny little swat at an Av in front of his net and gets called for roughing.
16:46 Gronk makes Sid feel better about himself by taking an even worse penalty, a hook while already down a man. We’ve been told Sid f-bombs fly when he’s in the box, but we haven’t seen them yet. Pookie: “I hope they’re when he yells at Gronk for taking that penalty.”
14:15 We are concerned, as our single-minded SidWatch is getting “sluggish” vibes from him. Pookie wonders if he used up all his energy on his first shift.
12:08 Our broadcasters are discussing how Sydor has played a lot of games on this ice surface, having been a Star, and then add that Joe Sakic has as well. Really? Joe’s played a lot of games in Denver? For reals? This is the kind of hard-hitting commentary we really love during Fall hockey.
9:53 Do you know what we’re tired of hearing about? The stupid anniversary of Plante wearing the first goalie mask. They talk this up every year, not even on, like, the big fancy anniversaries. We’d care about hearing this on every team’s broadcasts this week if it was, say, the 50th anniversary, but it’s only the 48th, which means last year when everyone was talking about it, it was the 47th anniversary, and seriously? What’s with the league-wide celebrating of such random anniversaries?
9:40 WOOOO! Sid’s sluggishness is more than the Avs can handle! He ricochets a puck off the endboards, then tosses the rebound in front and it bounces in off the Colorado D. That Theodore is some kind of great goalie, isn’t he? (This is Sid’s sixth goal. Yeah, that’s right Gentle Reader – Pando got to six before Sid did.)
7:35 It seems like it’s a good night for us to be totally Sid shallow – he’s been on the ice basically for the entirety of this period so far. That’s so nice of him to realize he’s being an ambassador of hockey when he’s out West.
7:04 Is Steigy bringing the snark when he says, “Ryan Smyth is one of the most emotional players in hockey”? Boomer grumbles, “That’s just his way of saying he’s a crybaby.”
2:34 Just as Bob Errey is telling us that the Pens have taken the crowd out of the game by clamping down on their 1-0 lead, Hannan makes things worse by taking a holding penalty.
1:53 WOOOO! The Sid Crosby Western Conference Barnstorming Tour continues. Malkin feeds him a sweet, sweet pass into the crease, and the puck is in the net almost before Sid shoots it through the defender in front of him. Steigy calls it, “2-0 Sid,” and we should so hate that, but we really can’t help it. We love us some Sid, even if he now has more goals than Pando.
1:12 You know who we don’t love as much? Gronk? He spends an hilarious ten seconds swinging his stick ineffectively over the puck, then wildly at the sticks of the defenders, then he starts swinging his limbs in all directions, then finally falls to the ice, pathetic and spent.
0:58 Errey explains to us that Sid has a head cold. Because that’s just how good he is. Or something. Pookie: “I thought he looked sluggish.”
0:00 The announcers comment that this is a rare large lead for the Pens going into the first intermission, and they wonder how the team will respond. Schnookie: “With a false sense of entitlement.” Pookie: “The Penguins? Never!”
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A feature about Shattuck! Pictures of the hallowed halls of that august academy! Sid talking about his year there like the little old man that he is! Only fleeting mention of Staffy and Zach! That little commercial for Shattuck was just too, too funny! Pookie decides, “Both of the ‘S’s in ‘SSM’ stand for ‘squicky’.”
Our Hockey 101 tonight is all about sticks. Or does Errey mean “pickle stabbers?” Oh, in case you were wondering, “Players come in all sizes and shapes, as do the sticks.” Thanks, Bob.
19:45 Joe Sakic doesn’t take well to Sid showing him up, and trips our intrepid hero in the slot. Sid makes a show of grimacing and getting up slowly after an Av falls on top of him.
19:11 That power play didn’t amount to much other than Malkin taking a neutral zone holding penalty. Poor Sid! How is he supposed to score with these losers on the ice around him?
16:49 With the ref staring right at him, Sid tries to wildly embellish a “high stick” from an Av, but the official isn’t biting. Sid is stuck having to show off the acting skills we can only assume he picked up in school plays at Shattuck as he limps back to the bench, cringing and groaning the whole way. (And it should be mentioned that when Zach was at SSM he apparently appeared in “Brighton Beach Memoirs” and “Laughter on 23rd Floor”, as well as taking a “Dance For Athletes” class. Needless to say, Schnookie gets a lot of mileage out of this, making fun of Zach, and Pookie’s love for him.)
14:42 An Av gets a hooking penalty that we didn’t notice. Sid is back on the ice, and Pookie says, “Oh! Sid miraculously survived that high-sticking attack.”
12:11 Gronk is never going to get to our projection of 10 points at this rate. On the world’s least inspiring two-on-one, he dishes to Hall and Hall misses the net by a mile. A sad little “Buy sod” can be heard on the on-ice mics.
11:11 We really wouldn’t mind if Steigy stopped calling Theodore “Josie”.
10:11 Errey is convinced when the whistle blows that the Avs are being called for too many men, but dude – has he even been watching the Pens this season? Of course it’s Pittsburgh who committed the penalty. Steigy says chipperly, “Too many Penguins on the ice,” and Errey says, “Can you ever have too many Penguins?” Bob, that is entirely dependent on which Penguins you’re talking about.
9:34 The PKers do a craptaculary awful job of clearing out the crease, and all five Avs get a chance at a loose rebound before Liles puts it away. There were actually so many Avs clustered around the fallen Sabourin there that Steigy and Errey can’t figure out which of them got the goal.
8:53 On a delayed penalty on a bad hook by Sid in the offensive zone, Wolski scores by bouncing a puck over Sabourin. Pookie suggests Fleury is sitting on the bench thinking, “Excellent.” Sid promptly gets slapped with an unsportsmanlike for whining about a non-call. Huh. Who ever would have predicted the Pens would show up for the second period with a sense of false entitlement? Oh right – we did!
6:04 Well, that sucked. After a shift when Steigy blowharded that Sid was a man possessed coming out of the penalty box and was too hot to handle and too cold to hold, the Avs weather the storm, then calmly head down the ice and score on a totally shit-tastic wraparound by Guite, taking a 3-2 lead. Pookie: “I don’t think the Pens have solved their goaltending problems.”
5:23 Ever composed and looking like a true Cup contender, the Pens work extra hard to get all the wheels to fall off and take another penalty. Steigy and Errey don’t tell us who it was or what for. We’ll assume it was Gary Roberts, two minutes for stupidity.
3:33 Poor Maxie! He takes a puck hard in the face – we hope the moo-stache is okay.
3:00 Malone and Sid combine to very nearly score, and frankly, we’re not sure how that puck didn’t go in, first on Malone’s power move across the crease, and then on Sid’s rebound shot at a fallen Josie.
2:30 That commercial break delighted us, thanks to an appearance by the Frownie. How do people in Pittsburgh manage to not be laughing constantly, every minute of every day, living in a city that features Frownie commercials?
1:51 At long last Sid’s histrionics bear fruit and he draws a tripping penalty on Laperriere. His reaction to the trip is positively operatic, but it’s still a good call.
0:00 The entirety of this power play is dominated by Steigy and Errey discussing how Sid is unhappy with his sticks right now. Boomer: “Some equipment salesman is quaking in his shoes right now.”
Please. We’re on a TiVo delay, so do you honestly think we’re going to watch this feature about Plante? Dream on, NHL Productions!
17:41 Well, we’re relieved to see the moo-stache is back, but saddened to hear Ryan Whitney has left the game with a groin problem.
17:19 Hejduk is a total crap-assed loser, with a week and a day to stuff a loose puck in from the side of a wide-open net, and he just shoves it into Scuderi’s feet.
17:04 Sid bulldozes straight up the center of the rink the other direction, gets manhandled on his way into the crease, but doesn’t get a call.
14:22 The Avs toss the puck over the glass for a delay of game penalty. Poor Sid, going on the PP without Whitney to do his fake-shot-pass play with; really, that can’t possibly work if Sykora’s the guy on the other end, right?
13:36 As if reading our minds, Steigy says of the PP with Sykkie at the point, “A completely different look.” And yes, that is said very pointedly.
13:01 The puck ricochets out of play for the third time in a minute. Pookie: “Most. Exciting. Hockey game. Ever.”
11:35 The Pens are back on the PP and we’re having some trouble figuring out what’s going on. Schnookie is trying to hear who the penalty was on and what for, and can make out only what sounds like, “Two minutes for butt interference” over the PA, and Pookie and Boomer are listening to Errey talking about what they can only assume is some mythical creature that handed out candy and buttons during peewee hockey games up in Quebec.
10:17 The PP blows because the Pens aren’t capable of skating up a man without Whitney. Pookie, wailing in her Sid voice, “I can’t skate without Whitney! RYYYYYYAAAAN!!!!”
8:09 There has not been a single whistle in this game that Errey hasn’t thought presaged a Colorado penalty. He’s wrong this time, as there is no delay of game called when the puck bounces off the glass and into the seats.
5:14 We concur that Sid has had his moments tonight, but has completely taken himself off his game by getting increasingly frustrated that his whining and writhing haven’t been drawing calls.
0:38 Sid goes crazy working behind the net in the empty-net scramble to try for the tie, but without Whitney, there is no hope. Or something.
0:32 On an icing stoppage, Steigy talks about how the fans in Colorado who have been treated tonight to their first glimpse of Sid in person, “Are now convinced that he’s—” Pookie finishes for him, “The whining diver they suspected he was?” (We kid, we kid! Because we love.)
0:00 Well, in the end it turns out the Pens just didn’t handle that big first-period lead very well at all, did they?