Periodically during the off-season, we presented our Gentle Readers with a list of offerings from our offshoot publishing house, IPB Publishing, Inc. We’re pleased as punch to announce that the latest catalog of titles is here! As with the previous two installments, every title is an actual search term that was used to find IPB, with spelling, punctuation, capitalization and grammar all intact.
Interchangeable Animal Parts
A vivisected puma. A deserted island. A mad scientist. What could it all mean?
It means, the latest in NHL Retells the Classics: The Island of Dr. Moreau! Mad scientist Glen Sather has had success piecing new freakish animals out of the parts of others, but when he attempts the unthinkable — peicing together a hockey team that doesn’t follow any of the rules of reason — will the end result be the greatest team the world has ever seen, or an unspeakable horror that will haunt your dreams?
acorn singing the song blame it on me
IPB Publishing’s musical division is pleased to present this selection of folks songs written by Travis Zajac. The collection is a song cycle, first performed by Mr. Zajac in his groundbreaking first solo concert after 2 years of heading the North Dakota-based Toe Drag (a favorite of the coffee-house, beat set in Grand Forks). The 82 songs present the ups and downs of a rookie hockey player trying to make it in the NHL. The title song explores the shame and pain that accompanies being the losing shooter in a shoot-out to decide a big game against a division rival. Other songs, such as “don’t try to tell me i’m not batman, robin” and “call me mona lisa” shine a light on the everyday life of fitting in with a team.
i said i believed you defensive much?
The -ookies step out from behind the IPB blog banner to publish their first stand-alone title, a self-help book drawn from their harrowing time spent with X. This book will help the conflict-averse find constructive ways to answer the command, “TELL ME WHEN!” while avoiding any after-the-fact shame spirals. Any person with compulsively combative friends or relatives will be well-served to read this collection of valuable advice.
scott gomez or ryan getzlaf
Subtitle: And Other Questions With Obvious Answers
This fun little book of cocktail party ice breakers asks such hilariously one-sided questions like, “Marty Brodeur or Curtis Joseph”, “Old Sweaters or New” and “Ties or Shoot-outs?” If your hockey parties always start out with awkward silences between wallflowers, this book is a must! Get the party started now!
“From Top to Bottom” pando
Help your young hockey player be the best team player he can be by giving him this how-to guide to playing the Pando Way. Topics covered include fielding every question about individual play with answers about the team, deflecting all personal accolades smoothly and gracefully, and accepting different or diminished roles for the greater good of the team. With easy to follow instructions and diagrams, this manual is required reading for all aspiring hockeyists.
Did you know pineapple factoids are 5% more interesting than grapefruit factoids?
The title speaks for itself: everything you ever wanted to know about pineapples, presented in an easy-to-read bullet-point format.
exciting parts of the remains of the day
This blank 3″x5″ index card can be used for all manner of things. It can be used to jot notes to yourself, or to add another recipe to your overflowing recipe box, or to fold into a paper airplane, a pterodactyl or a brooch. A companion to other blank index cards like “Good Parts of Breaking the Waves“, “Listenable Songs by Kriss Kross” and “Players to Cheer for on the New York Rangers”. Collect all four to use as flash cards to learn Sean Avery’s entire working vocabulary!
tape patterns for glass during hurricane
Several of the world’s most respected emergency-relief organizations come together to offer preparedness tips for all manner of disaster situations. Unsure of how to prepare your home in advance of a hurricane? Worried you’re not ready for local infrastructure collapse? Terrified of being caught flat-footed if your favorite team signs Jeremy Roenick? The answers you’re looking for are all here in one reference resource.
calendar for predicting chinchillas
Learn to bet on chinchilla races from a pro with Petr Sykora’s can’t-miss tips for winning at the chinchilla track. Sykora’s proven system relies on the Julian calendar and the chinchilla’s natural circadian rhythms to predict, without fail, which chinchillas will win, place, and show for all the majors tracks throughout the Czech Republic. Follow the day-by-day hints and suggestions and find yourself rolling in euros by year’s end!
life before interchangeable parts
A look back at the dark ages, before electricity, personal hygiene, the Enlightenment, and, most importantly, Interchangeable Parts. This scholarly tome examines the social, political, economic and religious progress made by mankind over the centuries in an easily-read tone, with emphasis on the question of how people could possibly have lived in such bleak conditions.
mediocre nhl players
For the boondoggle enthusiast, a catalog of the 2007 NHL Free Agent class.
lou lamoriello is gay
A shocking expose written by “Anonymous”, an insider in the New York Rangers propaganda machine. This tell-all lays bare the seedy, below-the-belt tactics Glen Sather has unleashed on a previously unsuspecting NHL. The unnamed author confesses to participating in publicity smear campaigns designed to impugn those men and organizations who have seen greater success than Sather and the Rangers; when those campaigns failed the propaganda unit turned its fiction-spinning skills to inundating the hockey world with glorious lies heralding the Rangers’ newly signed free agents. Even readers with the strongest stomachs will feel queasy after spending time in Anonymous’ world, a universe of meanness, falsehoods, innuendo and Scott Gomez.
As part of IPB’s march towards global domination, IPB Publishes is rolling out a new line of gift items, just in time for the holidays! Stock up on stocking stuffers like IPB toothbrushes, hand soaps and decks of cards! Don’t give your father another tie and your mother another cashmere sweater — give them both durable IPB fleece pullovers! Impress your boss by presenting him or her with a framed copy of IPB’s 95 Theses! Order now for Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa delivery! To receive a free catalog, send a S.A.S.E. containing one magnetic schedule for an NHL team to IPB; allow 1-10 ten years for delivery.
three reasons hockey is good
The immensely abridged edition of IPB’s groundbreaking 118 Reasons We Love Hockey.
We’re also pleased to announce that IPB Publishing, Inc. is looking for guest authors to write blurbs for the following titles:
spring break shark attack roberto luongo
Please leave submissions in the comments.