We are pleased to present a very special-edition title by IPB Publishing, Inc., 38 Things You Don’t Know About Sidney Crosby. IPB Publishing, Inc is our offshoot publishing house, specializing in books bearing titles that are drawn, word-for-word, from actual search terms that were used to find IPB. In this case, just in time for the holidays, we’re delighted to give you a sneak peak of the 38 Things You Don’t Know About Sidney Crosby — if you want to learn more about one of our very favorite players than what you see here, you’ll just have to order the book.
1. Sid has never set foot in Nova Scotia. He was hatched on a mountaintop in an imaginary land high above the North Pole. He spent his formative years in hockey isolation in the clouds, only appearing on Earth for the first time on the first day of school for his year at Shattuck.
2. When he was a child Sid invented his own secret language. It had over 300 different words for “perfection”, but not a single one for “beauty”.
3. Before agreeing to his contract extension this past summer, Sid turned down three other offers from the Penguins that involved significant amounts of deferred money because he didn’t want to be burdened by unwanted ownership of a bankrupt franchise at the tail end of his career.
4. Sid has never met a Monte Cristo sandwich he hasn’t loved. Conversely, he has never met a Reuben sandwich he liked.
5. Ever since Gary Roberts took away Sid’s bagels from the Pens’ training table, Sid has been obsessed with them. His turret is filled with stale and moldering bagels now because whenever he sees one anywhere he snatches it up, clutches it close to his breast in a fervent embrace, then pockets it to add to his collection. Each time he adds a new conquest to his ever-growing pile of bagels, he squeaks softly to it, “Oh, bagel. You and I are so alike. We both have holes where our hearts should be.”
6. Of the state quarters that have been minted so far, Sid likes Georgia the best and Florida the least.
7. Just as Harry Potter speaks to snakes, so Sid speaks to ATMs, self-checkouts and drive-thru speakers.
8. Although adept at sticking to his cover story of being from the Maritimes, Sid has never actually eaten lobster, due to the fact that no one has given him convincing proof that the animals cannot and do not read his mind with their long antennae and beady eyes.
9. RBK is planning to unveil a line of Sidney Crosby signature activewear men’s fingernail polishes during this year’s All-Star break. The line was supposed to be rolled out along with his clothing line this past summer, but it took longer for Sid and his parents to decide, while sitting around the kitchen table, which men’s fingernail polish colors are “in” and which ones are “out”.
10. Sid carries a hockey card of Zach Parise in his wallet at all times to remind himself who’s better.
11. Almost every single other player in the NHL also must buy custom-fit jeans due to the size of their legs.
12. It is remarkably easy for Mario to keep Sid imprisoned in his turret because Sid is almost entirely incapable of walking on dry land. Every night after lockdown, Mario just tosses Sid’s concrete-walkin’ skates into a tree, and Sid is stuck in place until someone fetches the skates down for him.
13. Sid was born with a severe ear deformity that makes it so music sounds like nothing more than a cacophony of unrelated noises to him. When he says he likes “everything” when asked what music he likes, he’s lying. He, in fact, likes nothing.
14. His favorite book is Amy’s Eyes by Richard Kennedy, and he can frequently be seen dabbing at strangers’ shirt buttons with kleenexes and explaining, “They’re crying.”
15. Sid cannot eat mashed potatoes without first sculpting them in the shape of Boccioni’s “Unique Forms of Continuity in Space. He often addresses his sculptures, “Oh, mashed potatoes. You and I are so alike. We were both designed with the intent of being forms in motion, not whole human beings.”
16. The house Sid claims to own in Nova Scotia is actually just an ornate playhouse in his parents’ backyard. He is frequently evicted when his sister is hostessing tea parties for her stuffed animals.
17. Sid has always hated penguins (the animal), and has an extensive collection of ceramic figurines of natural predators of penguins, as well as animals he imagines would be able to eat a penguin if afforded the opportunity.
18. Sid has a deeply suspicious nature, and becomes extremely uncomfortable around fans who clearly recognize him but do nothing to approach him or ask for autographs.
19. Sid is surprisingly susceptible to advertising directed at women. As a result, he has terrible body-image problems and loves to indulge in “chocolate therapy” when it’s “that time of month.”
20. Sid is allergic to the color magenta.
21. On a solo fishing trip to Ontario’s lake country after his rookie season, Sid snagged a dead body while on a remote pond. He opted to let the corpse sink back into the water and cut his vacation short rather than reporting his discovery to local authorities.
22. Sid calls Jon Tavares every morning at exactly 7 a.m. and then hangs up the phone without saying a word.
23. Sid occupies himself on long plane rides by drafting elaborate plots to steal the Lemieuxs’ neighbor’s prized sow, Empress. He never puts the plots into practice, which is all for the best, as they would never accomplish anything other than a novella’s worth of hijinks.
24. There is a treasure trove of nude pictures of Sid on the internet, if you just know where to look.
25. While in juniors, if Sid didn’t like the movie being shown while his team was traveling, he didn’t call the GM at the front of the bus to ask to have the movie changed — he called the QMJHL commissioner to demand it be changed.
26. Sid refuses to accept any mail that has been folded, creased or bent.
27. Sid loves to dunk his chocolate pop tarts in purple Gatorade. Gatorade is currently working on the prototype of a limited-edition flavor called “87″, which will be purple with chunks of chocolate pop tarts floating in it. Sid hopes the time he saves by not having to dunk his own pop tarts will be well spent at the rink instead.
28. Sid keeps himself motivated to play hockey by, first thing every morning, consulting folded-paper fortune-tellers which he designs in such a manner that no matter which flap is opened the answer to the question “What do I most want to do today?” it is always revealed to be “practice”.
29. When he encounters the number 87 in any non-Crosby-licensed setting, Sid worries that a piece of his soul has been stolen.
30. When the rest of his junior teammates were getting tattoos of Tweety Bird playing hockey, Sid didn’t want to assume he would have an NHL career. This explains why he has an ankle tattoo of the Tazmanian Devil pumping gas at Canadian Tire.
31. Sid’s favorite non-hockey activity is to get “seats on the glass” at the butcher’s counter at his local grocery store, where he gazes in at the butcher’s wares and says, “Oh, pieces of meat. You and I are so alike. We’re both just pieces of meat in the eyes of those who are supposed to care about us most.”
32. Sid has, on a number of occasions, been undercharged for meals, but he has never once brought it to the attention of the waitstaff.
33. Sid secretly Googles all the answers to the local paper’s crossword puzzle then makes a big show to his teammates that he figured the answers out on his own.
34. Sid attributes his excellent ice vision to the voices in his head. His favorite of these voices is one he calls “Angela”, whom he claims is an RN from Queens, NY.
35. Once upon a time Sid traded several thousand dollars worth of autographed memorabilia for three magic beans. He planted the beans in his backyard and watered them with moonbeams. A giant beanstalk grew, and when he climbed it, Sid found a magical castle which contained a goose. After watching the goose closely, Sid said wistfully, “Oh, goose. You and I are so alike. We both lay the golden eggs.”
36. Mario takes Sid with him to local casinos. Sid is trained to cause a disturbance while Mario rigs the roulette wheel with magnets. They split the winnings 25-75.
37. Sid’s greatest regret in life is that he cannot breathe underwater. When he was a child he used to draw gills on his neck with a magic marker and submerge himself for minutes on end in his bathtub.
38. Sid is convinced the Golden Ratio is wrong.