An Open Letter To Consistency As It Exists In the Devils Organization

Dear Consistency As It Exists In The Devils Organization,

Yo. Where’ve you been?

It seems that open letters are all the rage these days, so we’ve decided to get into the act by writing one to you. It’s time we talked, Consistency As It Exists In The Devils Organization, because we’re a bit concerned that something might be wrong with you. Seriously. Where the hell are you spending all your time these days?

You were still your same old self this summer, when you kept our equilibrium intact by having, per usual, our douchiest player doucherocket himself across the Hudson. And you were strong as an ox when Lou got around to signing the same old kinds of free agents. You blew our minds with your influence on the new sweater design. And were you ever looking hale and hearty when we tried to catch a few open practices but the team was elusive and generally unapproachable. Yup, you were doing a great job keeping things “business as usual”, just the way you’re supposed to.

But lately, Consistency, you’re just not there.

Now, we can handle some ping-ponging between wins and losses. It happens. It sometimes happens on your watch. But lately it seems like you’ve fallen asleep at the switch. What is your excuse for the way you’ve been letting the Devils vacillate between looking like champions one day and then dunderheads the next? Are you even trying anymore? If you were doing your job right there would be no way our boys could go from kicking ass in Boston, then killing our souls against Phoenix, then back to ass-kicking against Philly, and then do what they did in Vancouver (which we shall never speak of again). You kind of toyed with us at the start of the year, committing the team to being lousy, and then you flexed a little muscle on that nine-game win streak, but recently you’ve been useless.

And really, Consistency, when we look at things in even more detail than just the W’s and the L’s, we can’t see even the slightest trace of you. Some nights the sucktitude comes from the goal, other nights it’s the D, and other nights it’s all on the forwards. It’s almost as if you don’t care enough to make everyone suck the same way from night to night. And don’t even get us started on the lineup itself. We’ve stopped even noticing who’s skating with whom because it’s impossible now to tell if we’re seeing an actual, deliberate line combination or if someone just got stuck on a bad change. You can’t even seem to muster the energy to make Paulie Martin either have an injury or not; lately the only thing we can count on from you is that you’re keeping Pando out of the lineup. And really, if that’s the best we’re going to get from you, what’s the point?

What we’re trying to say, Consistency As It Exists In The Devils Organization, is that we’re worried about you. Have you been unwell? Is there some kind of problem with your family? Are you injured? Having financial difficulties? Hey, whatever the problem is, we’d like to help you figure things out, get back on your feet, and get back on the job. Because without you, this season is getting really annoying.

Warmest Regards,
Pookie and Schnookie