We believe we’ve mentioned before in this space that should the Devils organization ever completely lose its mind and start giving media credentials to bloggers, we wouldn’t really be all that interested in taking them up on the offer. Now, we realize the Devils are never actually going to start presenting this opportunity to bloggers (it would require a remarkable sequence of events that entails the organization proving to be computer literate, proving to understand this crazy new interwebs technology all the kids are using these days, and proving to care what the fans think of them), but we still get a bit nervous when we consider the possibility that we could someday be in a situation where we’d have to ask questions to Devils players. Really, the best we would normally be able to think of to say to a Devil after a win would be, “How awesome was that?”, and after a loss we’d probably ask something like, “How do you look at yourself in the mirror every day? And do you hate us? Is that why you suck so bad? Do you want us to be unhappy?” In other words, we don’t think we have a lot to offer the world of traditional sports journalism. Or rather, we didn’t think so, until now. Because we have actually, after much deliberation and serious thought, discovered a matter about which we genuinely would like to hear what a certain New Jersey Devil has to say.
That’s right, Gentle Reader — we’ve come up with a question we would really ask if we had some kind of media access to the Devils. And not only have we finally thought of something we want to ask a Devil, but it’s a question that is now consuming us. We simply must find out the answer.
Now, before you start firing off telegrams to Lou Lamoriello demanding that he let bloggers into the press box at the Rock, it should be pointed out that this question further cements the notion that we should not, under any circumstances, ever be given press passes. Because if we were, we would barge into the middle of whatever legitimate media types are trying to get quotes so they can file their legitimate stories with their legitimate media outlets in order to earn legitimate paychecks, and we’d cut everything off to ask Zach Parise the burning question that is keeping us up nights:
“Zach, when you play cribbage with Travis, do you play muggins?”
We know. We just rocked your world. (If, Gentle Reader, you are not familiar with cribbage, muggins is a combative variation on the game. Simply put, the gist of cribbage is that you get points for certain card combinations in each hand, and hands are repeatedly played until one player gets 121 points. In regular cribbage each player tallies the points in their hand, and then the next hand is dealt. In muggins, if Player A doesn’t notice points-earning combinations in his hand [a not uncommon occurrence] and Player B does see them, then Player B gets to take the points Player A missed.) We’re torn on whether we think they do play muggins, since, on the one hand, they’re hypercompetitive freaks, but on the other hand, they’re hockey players, and are consequently probably not very good at counting. Furthermore, we keep hearing from Zach about how much he loves cribbage, but nary a peep about the game from Travis; is Travis just being a good teammate, agreeably playing this dumb game to be nice to his roommate? Does he not care how the cribbage games end up, so Zach contentedly wins all the time, muggins or no? Or are both of them way better at adding things up to 15 than we are, and are thus not as susceptible to maddening losses of points (and the ensuing emotional breakdowns and cries of, “This game sucks!” while flipping the board across the room)? Does Travis’ Waldorf education make this an uneven playing field? Or does Zach use Boxworthy to cheat, demanding that his turtle-of-affairs use a complex system of secret signals to communicate to him when Travis is leaving points on the board? And could we better demonstrate how useless real-life media access would be to us than by having the one real question to which we’d like the answer be about one of Zach Parise’s hobbies, and have it quickly evolve into a question about Boxworthy, to boot?
We know the answer to the last one there, and we hope the Devils do, too. But if, Gentle Reader, you get a chance to talk to Zach, try to remember to ask him about muggins and let us know, okay?