Since getting involved in this little thing we call the hockey blogosphere, we’ve been extremely vexed by the varying standards of what can and should be expected as acceptable behavior from fans. We keep hearing fanbases calling other fanbases classless boors, and when given examples of the offending behavior we find ourselves thinking, “That’s like the best day we ever had with opposing fans while attending Devils games at CAA,” or worse, “Wait, we do stuff like that.” It seems everyone likes to paint their least favorite team’s fans as “classless” for actions ranging from booing superstar players just because they’re stars, to stomping on free giveaway posters, to drunken brawling in the stands. But come on, people. Not all “opposing team” behavior is classless. Oftentimes, it’s something you probably do yourself, but just don’t realize it. So in an attempt to bring some sanity back to the art of hating other teams’ fans, we’re proud to present the IPB Scale of Fan Douchebaggery.
For inspiration we’ve looked to the Beaufort Scale, a system of measuring wind strength when no formal tools are available. In a few short descriptive phrases, Admiral Sir Francis Beaufort was able to give generations of sailors a method of taking cues from their surroundings to gauge the elements. With our IPB Scale, you’ll be able to take stock of the situation at games and be able to determine immediately how severe the level of douchebaggery is — or isn’t.
IPB Scale of Douchebaggery
1: Not Actually A Fan Uninvested; cheers equally and without understanding for both sides in a game.
2: Reverential Unbiased; finds no wrong in any team or player.
3: Split Allegiance Opens heart to more than one team; wears half-and-half sweater.
4: Genteel Singularly committed; partakes in polite ribbing with opposing fans.
5: Good-Natured Ardent supporter; responds in kind to playful taunting with minimal profanity.
6: Humorless Single-minded; bristles when taunted; unfriendly and immovable of attitude.
7: Grouchy Unresponsive when on the winning side of the scoreboard; lashes out verbally and profanely when on the losing side.
8: Confrontational Combative when on the losing side of the scoreboard; aggressively taunting when on the winning side.
9: Mean-spirited Revels in the failures of others; doesn’t differentiate between opposing team’s players and opposing team’s fans; refuses reason.
10: Boorish Lout Interaction quickly escalates to unnecessary physical contact; usher summoned.
11: Doucherocket Physically imposing; ruins game for entire sections. Some damage occurs.
12: Classless Cheers firing of coach struck with cancer; throws batteries at Santa. Widespread damage occurs.