IPB Publishing, Inc., Series 4
January 13, 2008 by Schnookie
Periodically we present our Gentle Readers with a list of offerings from our offshoot publishing house, IPB Publishing, Inc. We’re pleased as punch to announce that the latest catalog of titles is here! As with the previous installments, every title is an actual search term that was used to find IPB, with spelling, punctuation, capitalization and grammar all intact.
chris webber was a math genius?
This handy guidebook is a must have for non-sports fans who find themselves socializing with sports junkies, be they boyfriends/girlfriends, coworkers, in-laws, or friends. Designed around a series of yes-no questions, this book will teach newbies important facts about teams and players and sports history. Sample chapters include “Is Sean Avery an MVP: Lessons on Discounting Talking Heads” and “Is Scott Neidermayer A Greedy Jerk: Trends in Sports Un-Retirement”. After reading this book, you’ll be able to hold your own in discussions you would otherwise ignore.
staffydoodle dogs
In this very special April Fool’s edition of the popular Pommerdoodle Detective Agency series, Crunchy and Pommers go on a vacation, leaving Staffy in charge of the shop while they’re gone. Of course, crime never takes a holiday, so Staffy is forced into action when a violist from the Buffalo Philharmonic goes missing. Will a terrible fate befall the innocent violist before she can be rescued? Will the PDA’s rival Haines & Kibblehouse ruin the day for Staffy? And is the world really ready for a Staffydoodle? Read this book to find out!
does our brain tell us to laugh
At the Maple Leafs? Yes! At the Rangers? No, that’s all the heart’s doing.
Scientific America’s new foray into popular culture begins with this, the first in a series of books on sports science. The world’s leading researchers on neuroscience discuss what elements of the sports fan’s psyche are controlled by normal brain functions and which cannot rationally be explained. Don’t miss the follow-up volume, “Derek Roy Goggles Explained”.
kritios shooting game
IPB Publishing’s first foray into the world of video games. This title is a first-person shooter-style game in which the protagonist, Kritios Boy, has to try to save himself during the Persians’ sack of the Acropolis in 480 BCE.
how to stop from using recycled washing
Ray Emery’s how-to pamphlet instructing fellow tree-muggers how to undo all the good environmental work done by Andrew Ference. Designed to fit perfectly in the cupholder of a Hummer, this de-greening manual includes tips such as “throw out your light bulbs after every use”, “have the grocery clerk quadruple bag each item individually” and “waste electricity by using it to power items you will then ignore (such as alarm clocks)”.
joe micheletti great nhl broadcaster
A dystopian novel that imagines a world wherein all of mankind’s standards of excellence have been lowered to the point where Joe Micheletti is considered a great NHL broadcaster. The plot of this story isn’t much, but the horror of the conceit is enough to keep readers up for many terrified, sleepless nights.
steps on how to stop the devils mind trick
Subtitled, “The Idiot’s Guide To Not Shooting Yourself In The Foot”. A helpful handbook for the Lindy Ruffs of the world, offering a system of simple, easy-to-follow steps to keep yourself from abandoning your own successful game plan in favor of trying to out-trap the Devils.
Most freakin outrageously awesome tubas
After seeing the success story of Ryan Miller and Drew Stafford playing with the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra, Marcel Goc decides to bring his enthusiasm for modernizing polkas for 21st century audiences in this 35-minute DVD. Follow Goc in the recording studio, shopping his demo tapes to San Jose area recording studios, and booking gigs at senior citizen communities and children’s hospitals. Soundtrack sold separately.
how to fix broken nose
Eric Lindros’s self-help book detailing when to seek professional medical help and when to settle for amateur advice. Drawing on years of experience of being encouraged to ignore serious health issues such as debilitating concussions and collapsed lungs, Lindros writes in a style comforting to any lay-person facing unsettling and confusing medical problems. A must for any hypochondriac or accident-prone walking disaster.
“fear the visor”
The big book of things stupid hockey fans say when they think they’re being cool.
video of unrevealing olympic mascots
IPB Publishing’s International News division brings to light a series of videotaped interrogations conducted by the World Anti-Doping Agency. Watch as Dick Pound grandstands his way through fruitless interviews with stonewalling mascots such as Youppi!, Izzy and Waldi.
keep from puking after hockey
A pamphlet listing 101 reasons why fans should avoid watching the Detroit Red Wings.
oops i dropped my pants
A slapstick-inspired graphic novel imagining Johnny Oduya’s off-ice life, wherein every frame consists of the protagonist dropping everyday items.
oh tonight you keept me with you smiley
A sneak-peek at the image-rehabilitating move by Alex Ovechkin after his contract is proven a joke 8 years from now, this book of free-form modern poetry bares a side of the kooky Russian hockey superstar few have seen before.
max afinogenov killed a girl
In this “fictional” expose of the Buffalo Sabres, the anonymous author airs all of the Sabres’ dirtiest secrets. No stone is left unturned as the harsh light of thinly-veiled “satire” is aimed at this lawless collection of neer-do-wells. From Max Afinogenov’s murderous past to Paul Gaustad’s relentless chasing of chubbies, from Ryan Miller’s all-consuming misanthropy to Derek Roy’s destructive addiction to beauty products, from Drew Stafford’s obliteratingly hot bad-asstitude to Brian Campbell’s tongue-heavy wooing techniques, this book spares no one and will leave even the most hardened fan shocked and appalled.
tennis players that are chubby
Paul Gaustad’s memoir of his dating experiences with other pro athletes.
buffalo meat sauce
The -Ookies’ travel guide for Western New York explaining where to go, what to do and what to expect to eat on your next hockey road trip to the region.
atlas shrugged + gronk
= doorstop
An hilarious list of incongruous pairings and their comical end results. Other entries include “Ted Leonsis + hockey sense = ‘I’ve made a huge mistake’”, “Scott Gomez + Chris Drury = Atlantic Division Basement”, and “Mats Sundin + Stanley Cup = HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
cocksucking sack of shit
An unauthorized group biography of Mario Lemieux, Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier. For the Devils fan in your life.
very,very,very,very,very,very,very,very,
IPB’s first inspirational children’s book, in which the -Ookies explain the superlatives in their lives. Comforting watercolor illustrations accompany the text, where young readers will learn that the -Oookies like the Devils very,very,very,very,very,very,very,very much, hate the Rangers very,very,very,very,very,very,very,very much, and like to listen to themselves speak very,very,very,very,very,very,very,very much.
very,very,very,very,very,very,very,very,</b
I would like to use some of my IPB Bucks to order this for work. Do you charge extra for express shipping so I can have it this week?
Stupid WP. Can’t you just bold font normally?
We charge very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much for international shipping, let alone express international shipping. I’m not sure if you should really want this book that badly, or if you should just put your name on the list for it at your local library.
Of course, crime never takes a holiday, so Staffy is forced into action when a violist from the Buffalo Philharmonic goes missing.
Heh. I can’t wait to be saved by Staffy! (I assume I’m the one who gets kidnapped……I also assume it’s Lou Lamoriello who does the kidnapping.)
I think Travis is the kidnapper. He wants a professional musician to add to Toe Drag so he can beat Red Seal Peach at the Battle of the Bands.
oops i dropped my pants
A slapstick-inspired graphic novel imagining Johnny Oduya’s off-ice life, wherein every frame consists of the protagonist dropping everyday items.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
atlas shrugged + gronk
= doorstop
Double-:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I think Travis is the kidnapper. He wants a professional musician to add to Toe Drag so he can beat Red Seal Peach at the Battle of the Bands.
However, Staffydoodle is almost undone by chasing after Lou the whole book. Oh, those red herrings!
If Travis tried to kidnap me I would bite his ass! He better bring some duct tape. :P I am seriously amused at the idea of Staffy crashing triumphantly into the room where Travis is forcing me to practice Toe Drag songs.
I am seriously amused at the idea of Staffy crashing triumphantly into the room where Travis is forcing me to practice Toe Drag songs.
He’d be wearing his leopard pants, long wig and fake moustache, wielding a double-necked guitar, wearing spangled platform shoes. He’d burst in the door and scream all heavy-metal-style, “Unhand her, you FIEND!”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Especially cocksucking sack of shit and very,very,very,very,very
Guess what I just did? Bought center ice online! I’m a happy camper.
“Unhand her, you FIEND!”
And then he lets loose with a major chord and the whammy bar.
Way to go, alix! Center Ice, wooooo!!!
Heather, :^::::::::::::::::
Oh and :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::: about the whole Travis/Katebits/Staffy story.
I love it already, Pookie!
When Staffy hits that major chord, all the strings on Travis’s acoustic guitar suddenly snap with a resounding twang as they curl up around the tuning pegs. “Rat’s cocks! Foiled again!”
And then he lets loose with a major chord and the whammy bar.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I can’t decide if Travis would be dressed like Snidely Whiplash in this scenario or if he’d be dressed in black turtleneck, purple-tinted glasses, black beret and sporting a pencil moustache.
I love it already, Pookie!
Oh, that one was all Schnookie! We write these posts together and are too lazy to find a way to make an author tag that has both our names.
Oh, and “YAY! Center Ice!”, alix!
You guys, Mark totally refuses to saw away a little piece of my cast so that my pinky toe is more comfortable. I can’t imagine why!
That’s a wise man, that Mark.
Boomer asked one of us to take out her stitches after Wayne tried to kill her with a puck, but we all respectfully suggested she see a doctor for that.
That’s a wise man, that Mark.
I can’t believe you’re taking his side! Gawd! In addition to that he just rolled his eyes when I yelled, “I’ll be JOE THORNTON would do it!” I’m telling you… Husbands!
Joe Thornton would fire a puck at it and the puck would perfectly shave off exactly the part you want to get rid of.
:^::::::::::::::::::::
Joe Thornton would fire a puck at it and the puck would perfectly shave off exactly the part you want to get rid of.
Exactly! :-)
Boomer asked one of us to take out her stitches after Wayne tried to kill her with a puck, but we all respectfully suggested she see a doctor for that.
Too bad Boomer had stitches and not staples. The mechanism the doctor used to remove my staples looked remarkably like something one would pick up at Office Depot.
I don’t think they do staples on foreheads. Otherwise Boomer would have looked like Bobby Holik — er, I mean, Frankenstein’s monster!
I was so sad that I didn’t get staples for my gall bladder. Pookie had gone on and on about how cool her staples had been, and I was so jealous because all I got was boring old stitches. (Of course, they turned out to be stitches I was allergic to, but still…) I want to be operated on with a device from Office Depot!
I don’t think they do staples on foreheads. Otherwise Boomer would have looked like Bobby Holik — er, I mean, Frankenstein’s monster!
Oh, yeah. That’s probably true.
Schnookie, it’s bizarre, I know, but the staples are really, really cool. Mark had back surgery a few years ago and I had to clean out the incision every night and I was fascinated by the fact that there were STAPLES in his body. I used to make him turn around sometimes just so I could see them. I was a little disappointed I hadn’t thought to bring my camera to my appointment because while I’m sure the doctor would’ve thought I was insane, that 3 or 4 inch zig-zag of staples up the side of foot was just creepy cool.
Hee! I just read the Buffalo News Sabres blog and there’s an entry there that basically says, “Hey, we swear it’s total coincidence that there’s going to be an article in the paper tomorrow about Jhonas Enroth right after Ryan Miller sucked up. We swear! Total. Coincidence. Really!”
Dudes, my team’s actually winning right now! And playing well! And actually gettting shots on net!
Poor Pyatt took a puck to the face though and hasn’t been back on the bench. He was having a hell of a game too. A goal and an assist.
Hey, we swear it’s total coincidence that there’s going to be an article in the paper tomorrow about Jhonas Enroth right after Ryan Miller sucked up. We swear! Total. Coincidence. Really!
Heh. Suuuuuuuuure.
You know what sucks about Boomer being out of town? We have to clean up dinner ourselves. It’s so difficult being us!
I wanna see some freakin outrageously awesome tubas!!
You guys have awesome searches. The weirdest one I’ve got is “butt crush queen.”
I’ve also gotten “Dustin Brown naked locker room” and “Heidi Androl naked.” Perverts!!
tennis players that are chubby
Paul Gaustad’s memoir of his dating experiences with other pro athletes.
Afinogenov not only kills people in his spare time he also runs a one man matchmaking service, setting NHL players up with the tennis players of their choice.
“Hey, we swear it’s total coincidence that there’s going to be an article in the paper tomorrow about Jhonas Enroth right after Ryan Miller sucked up. We swear! Total. Coincidence. Really!”
Hee! In their defense, they do at least have a good reason to write about him.
We did get “Sandra Lee naked” which creeped me out.
I’ve also gotten “Dustin Brown naked locker room” and “Heidi Androl naked.” Perverts!!
I got “jussi jokinen wife” the other day. WTF.
I got “jussi jokinen wife” the other day. WTF.
Is he even married?
Sandra Lee naked?? Isn’t she like …old?…or fictitious?? hahah
I think I’ve also gotten “Jonathan Bernier girlfriend” or something.
Is he even married?
That’s probably what they wanted to know.
I always get player x+girlfriend/wife and player x+baby
Dang, we’re in the shootout and Trev Linden is in the press box. He’s our clutch guy!
Is he even married?
I don’t know! I don’t WANT to know!
But the fact that someone is googling “jeff halpern alcohol problems” does make worry a little…
hahahah
I also assume it’s Lou Lamoriello who does the kidnapping.
I told you has was a bad GM!
Bad Lou! Bad! Put her down, right now!
**whaps Lou across the snout with a rolled newspaper**
I don’t think they do staples on foreheads.
Yeah they do. I’ve had em.
Mark totally refuses to saw away a little piece of my cast so that my pinky toe is more comfortable.
Bah! He’s just afraid of cutting you… somehow.
Boomer asked one of us to take out her stitches after Wayne tried to kill her with a puck, but we all respectfully suggested she see a doctor for that.
What’s the big deal? You cut it with scissors and slide it out… I’ve taken out almost all of my own stitches since I was 12, except for the ones from having my wisdom teeth out. I only did half of those…
Oh my gosh! Edler :) I love that guy! 2 for 2 in the shootout. Good little button. He’s becoming our Letang.
One that makes me sad but that doesn’t surprise me is “la kings suck.” haha… =(
I’ve taken out almost all of my own stitches since I was 12, except for the ones from having my wisdom teeth out. I only did half of those…
Not to reinforce gender stereotypes or anything, Matt, but I think that’s kind of a guy thing.
Hee! In their defense, they do at least have a good reason to write about him.
They totally do. It really made me laugh though. At the very least, TBN knows their easily panicked, freaked-out readership.
Not to reinforce gender stereotypes or anything, Matt, but I think that’s kind of a guy thing.
But it was my mommy that showed me how!
But the fact that someone is googling “jeff halpern alcohol problems” does make worry a little…
Right after free agency I got “Did Daniel Briere have a drinking problem?” Some poor fan desperate for some dirt on Danny, I guess.
And “player girlfriend/wife” seems to be popular. I’ve gotten that for just about every player including Jaroslav Spacek.
I had a post way back that was titled, “Calm down people.” and it has brought a lot of people searching for help with anxiety attacks.
We never get found by the people cool enough to search coherently for dirt on players. Instead we get “Dany Heatley drug attic” and “Wade Redden drug attic”.
haha, stupid people who can’t even spell
I had a post way back that was titled, “Calm down people.” and it has brought a lot of people searching for help with anxiety attacks.
Hee! That’s great. I have a tag called “CHILL OUT BUFFALO!” but I don’t think I’ve ever gotten anyone looking for soothing.
But the fact that someone is googling “jeff halpern alcohol problems” does make worry a little…
We got hit by that one, too. I am actually keeping up on my real-life player dirt thanks to our search terms. I mean, without them I’d never have known that Wade Redden was a drug attic (actually yesterday it was narrowed down more specifically to “wade redden coke”) and that Briere hadn’t ever meant to marry his wife.
(I didn’t want to walk all over Pookie’s story about Boomer’s stitches, but the fact is that the doctor told her to have someone take them out for her, and KtG stepped up to the plate. Pookie and I were too grossed out.)
Oh, also we really, really wanted to write about the search:
“The Piranha: I have lots of teeth…”
but we totally came up empty. Still, great search, no?
“butt crush queen.”
That’s every which kind of awesome, by the way!
haha, seriously, it was a good thing I wasn’t in the process of consuming any liquids when I read that.
When I was, like 12, I insisted on watching my sister get her stitches taken out of the cut on her ankle. If the nurse hadn’t caught me when I fainted, I probably would have need stitches in my head.
I am profoundly disgusted by the concept of stitches. No amount of protesting to my periodontist that I couldn’t handle even the thought of them convinced him how stressed I was about my gum grafts. When he finally finished taking my stitches out for those, and pulled me down from the ceiling where I was tensely hanging by my fingernails while desperately reciting mantras to take me to a happier place, he admitted I probably need to be knocked out next time. No kidding.
Oh, my Google Analytics is back up! I am also getting “ryan miller crunchy” searches! How exciting. My current favorite is “fun things to do with the sabres.” I guess someone is planning an outing.
Okay, so the Cowboys lost, and now the Golden Globes are on and it sucks because I miss all the drunk celebrities making stupid acceptance speeches. Damn strike.
Oh my god, you guys — George Michael Bluth is playing in goal for the Sharks tonight!
Wow, Lindy is reading Top Shelf! He was looking to you to tell him if they should go bowling or fishing!
I am also getting “ryan miller crunchy” searches!
I am so delighted by this. I just love the thought of the nickname existing somewhere out there without any context. I mean, has someone who doesn’t read any of our blogs encountered it somewhere? How did that happen? How marvelous!
Who should I root for, San Jose or Anaheim? On one hand, San Jose is ahead of my Stars in the standings. On the other hand, Anaheim has Pronger.
In order for both andrew and Earl to be happy, I’m rooting for a tie. Oh. Right. Stupid shootout.
I’m sorry your Cowboys lost, Cat. Sincerely.
I’ve about settled on Anaheim. Because they will still be behind us, if only slightly, but San Jose needs to lose all these games in hand.
It’s hard to root for the Ducks, so maybe we can root against the Sharks.
In order for both andrew and Earl to be happy, I’m rooting for a tie.
What about what makes Patty, Cat, Caitlin, and Jen happy? Huh? What about that?!
Damn strike.
Team Writers! (But yeah, I totally miss the Golden Globes. And I’ll be totally wrecked if the Oscars get canceled too. I love the Oscars.)
Wow, Lindy is reading Top Shelf! He was looking to you to tell him if they should go bowling or fishing!
Hey, I didn’t even think of that. I’m thinking of dropping Lindy a special message in my next post. Something like “If you’re reading this, wear a polka dot tie at the Rangers game.”
Cat, clearly you should be rooting for the Sharks.
Since Nieder’s return from curing cancer, solving world hunger, and otherwise being the GREATEST MAN TO EVER BREATHE, I find it almost impossible to root for the Ducks.
Oh my god, you guys — George Michael Bluth is playing in goal for the Sharks tonight!
Really? Her?
Something like “If you’re reading this, wear a polka dot tie at the Rangers game.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
That’s such a great idea!
In order for both andrew and Earl to be happy, I’m rooting for a tie. Oh. Right. Stupid shootout.
You know, I was kind of neutral on the shootout until the past couple of weeks. Now I hate it. Hate it a lot.
Since Nieder’s return from curing cancer, solving world hunger, and otherwise being the GREATEST MAN TO EVER BREATHE, I find it almost impossible to root for the Ducks.
That’s true. The Ducks are just all kinds of comtemptible.
The Sharks are only a couple of kinds.
It’s hard to root for the Ducks, so maybe we can root against the Sharks.
Agreed. I will do that.
Team Writers! (But yeah, I totally miss the Golden Globes. And I’ll be totally wrecked if the Oscars get canceled too. I love the Oscars.)
Oh, I’m totally Team Writers. I just miss my TV shows and my awards shows. I’m one of those people who gets really excited about awards season, so this is wrecking me.
“Since Nieder’s return from curing cancer, solving world hunger, and otherwise being the GREATEST MAN TO EVER BREATHE, I find it almost impossible to root for the Ducks.”
Exactly! I don’t even hate them as much as I did last year, but it still irritates me that they are in fact winning ever since the GREATEST MAN TO EVER BREATHE came back.
Ouch! Pie Hat had to get 25 stitches near his mouth.
I have a new plan for the shootout. After the overtime, the teams should play shootouts as they exist now. The team that wins the shootout gets an extra point from the end of the game until midnight. So the stupid fans that need a winner get one. But then the next day, the game will be listed as a tie and both teams will only get one point. By then, the stupid fans will have forgotten all about it, but the standings and personal records won’t be all fucked up by a fucking superskills sideshow.
I’m one of those people who gets really excited about awards season, so this is wrecking me.
Me too, Cat. Me too.
Pookie, that is BRILLIANT.
Brilliant, Pookie! I hate them so, so much. Although Edler did give an adorably shy grin when he won it tonight. But I could manage to live without the grin.
Ouch! Pie Hat had to get 25 stitches near his mouth.
Well, when he needs help getting them out, don’t call the Ookies.
Pooke, that is brilliant. I love it.
God, I can’t root for anyone in this divisional game, can I? STUPID.
What about what makes Patty, Cat, Caitlin, and Jen happy? Huh? What about that?!
At the risk of infuriating my fellow Stars fans, there is no way in good faith I can root for the Ducks and still retain my soul.
Really. I would be throwing up all night if I had to root for Pronger’s team.
Exactly, Caitlin! Pronger is all that is souless and wrong.
Pronger is all that is souless and wrong.
Ugh, and to add insult to injury: Roenick had the first goal of the game, according to Yahoo Sports.
GOD.
Ugh, and to add insult to injury: Roenick had the first goal of the game, according to Yahoo Sports.
See? You can’t root for the Sharks, either!
Maybe the power will go out and they’ll cancel it.
At the risk of infuriating my fellow Stars fans, there is no way in good faith I can root for the Ducks and still retain my soul.
I totally get that, because I tried to. It didn’t work. Then I tried rooting for San Jose. That didn’t work either. I’ve given up, and will just accept whatever the score is.
I’m not rooting for the Ducks. I’m pretending I don’t know who the Sharks are playing, and rooting for the Sharks to lose.
Maybe the power will go out and they’ll cancel it.
Bonus points for God if the Jumbotron falls on Pronger?
Ewwww! JR.
Ok, Ookies, I was cracking up until I hit this…
Brian Campbell’s tongue-heavy wooing techniques
then I threw up my newly-eaten Friendly’s sundae. In fact, I’m still shuddering and most likely won’t be able to turn off a light for days. Thanks for that.
(totally kidding, but it did freak me out a little)
Poor Pyatt took a puck to the face though and hasn’t been back on the bench.
Uh-oh. That won’t help with the ladies. He won’t be nearly as pretty with stitches and black eyes.
I totally get that, because I tried to. It didn’t work. Then I tried rooting for San Jose. That didn’t work either. I’ve given up, and will just accept whatever the score is.
That’s exactly like the Rangers-Islanders games are for me. I’ve actually reached a point where I hate both of those teams so much that I just don’t even watch, and pretend the games aren’t even happening. The only thing that would make me pay attention to that matchup would be if the outcome would directly (and by that I mean that very minute) affect whether the Devils make the playoffs or not. So basically, unless it’s the last day of the season and our fate is on the line, I’d rather believe there is no game going on at all. :D
“Uh-oh. That won’t help with the ladies. He won’t be nearly as pretty with stitches and black eyes.”
I know! His eyes are fine, but 25 stitches ain’t so pretty. I just hope his jaw isn’t broken because we already have way too many injuries.
The only thing more ridiculous than hockey fighting is hockey fighting in super-slo-mo. *shudder*
The worst outcome is if they both get points.
His eyes are fine, but 25 stitches ain’t so pretty.
Hopefully, they’re tiny, fine stitches by a plastic surgeon, and not big chunky ones by the assistant trainer.
I just hope his jaw isn’t broken because we already have way too many injuries.
Is that the only reason you need his jaw intact?
OK, I’ll stop being suggestive now.
Here’s what the hubby said about Pyatt: “Pain is temporary, chicks dig scars, glory is forever.” (Man has never played a sport in his life - funny, huh?)
“Is that the only reason you need his jaw intact?”
HA HA HA! What would Matty Ohlund say :p
“Here’s what the hubby said about Pyatt: “Pain is temporary, chicks dig scars, glory is forever.” (Man has never played a sport in his life - funny, huh?)”
HEE! That is pretty fun. Scars can be hot sometimes.
“Hopefully, they’re tiny, fine stitches by a plastic surgeon, and not big chunky ones by the assistant trainer.”
Word.
Scars can definitely be hot sometimes. I just thought it was funny that he said it with such authority, like he’d ever, you know, had a scar as a result of playing sports.
By the way, I highly recommend IT geeks. They may not be sporty, but they have good jobs and stable incomes and appreciate their women! Just a tip for the single gals (and guys - there are IT gals too) out there.
“Pain is temporary, chicks dig scars, glory is forever.”
True dat. I loooove scars. Pyatt could use a few scars on that way too pretty face.
I agree, Heather. Pyatt’s almost too pretty right now.
I’m suspicious of any guy who is prettier than I am.
Yes, I’m looking at you, Derek and Taylor. Quit it with the hair products, both of you - you’re freakin’ me out!
CRAP! They tied it!
Sheesh! If you’re gonna lose, just lose! Dammit!
Hee! One of the Sharks tried to break Giguere with Pronger.
Pie Hat has given up on the hair product since he’s been in Vancouver, I think. It’s quite short. It suits him.
He had a GORGEOUS blue line to blue line pass tonight to set Danny Sedin up for a breakaway goal. I am really digging that guy right now.
HEE! That sounds funny, Patty.
Matty’s been out for 9 games now! It’s slowly killing me! Do I have to drink more? I think I might have to. Why you hurt my Matty O?!?!!?(TM Caitlin)
Anaheim wins 4-3 in OT. I am neutral about this. I don’t care, either way. I think I might still be broken about the Cowboys losing.
I am also neutral about Anaheim winning, mostly because it’s in the other conference and I’ve got enough Sabres-related worries without adding more.
OH! Craig Rivet is on my fantasy team, though. So I guess I wanted SJ to win. Oh well.
The worst outcome is if they both get points.
Sorry, Patty. I tried to tell the Ducks to win in regulation, but they just had to make it a nail-biter.
Thanks, zot. But try harder next time, okay? :D
Okay. :) (They don’t listen to common sense very often, though.)
I think I might still be broken about the Cowboys losing.
Tony Romo is probably going to have to watch himself. If half of Dallas hasn’t made a pilgrimage to throw themselves off of Reunion Tower, then some fans are going to gunning for him.
How dare you take that vacation to Mexico, Tony! :D
going to gunning for him.
Ugh, going to BE gunning for him.
Did Romo play poorly?
I can’t wait to hear what everybody on the Ticket says tomorrow. Maybe they’ll ease up on the Stars’ post-season woes.
How dare you take that vacation to Mexico, Tony! :D
Hee!
T.O. totally broke down in the press conference. He was all “You can blame Tony, you can blame his vacation, but it’s unfair. He’s my quarterback, he’s my teammate, we lost this as a team.” He cried. Or at least, looked convincingly enough like he was crying. Aww, T.O.
Did Romo play poorly?
There were parts where Romo could have played better, certainly, but the Cowboys offense certainly wasn’t helping him out.
The most heartbreaking thing is that the Cowboys could have scored a touchdown in the final seconds of the game, if that New York Giants motherfucker hadn’t been in the way and caught the ball instead.
It sounds like the Cowboys took a lot of penalties, right? That probably didn’t help.
Did Romo play poorly?
I missed most of the fourth, but Romo was doing decently. It just looked like a general team breakdown, and the Giants defense was good, but there’s only so far Marian Barber can carry you. It was kind of like watching the Stars recently, to tell you the truth.
However, Romo’s been under a lot of fire for taking that trip to Mexico with J.Simp, and it’s an easy way for people to pin a reason on why they lost, IMO.
T.O. totally broke down in the press conference. He was all “You can blame Tony, you can blame his vacation, but it’s unfair. He’s my quarterback, he’s my teammate, we lost this as a team.” He cried. Or at least, looked convincingly enough like he was crying. Aww, T.O.
Today is the day I will finally say that T.O. has managed to get himself out of my “douche” book. I mean, I loathed T.O. What finally did it was seeing T.O. score that touchdown in the first half, run up to a kid in the stands, give the kid a pat on the head and hand over the game ball to the poor bewildered kid.
Good job, T.O.
Hey, it’s farther than the Cowboys have gone in years. But no one in Dallas will be happy with that.
Incidentally, Con Air is totally on T.V. right now and I hate to say it but I love this movie. Mocking Nic Cage’s accent never gets old, and it has John Cusack! (Which is really John Cusack going, “I need to make some money, man.”)
It sounds like the Cowboys took a lot of penalties, right? That probably didn’t help.
They kept jumping off sides all through the first half (DeMarcus Ware, cut it out, man) and they took a couple of personal foul penalties for facemask violations. One of the ones that sticks out was a personal foul committed by some Cowboy (Ellis? I can’t remember) where he hit the guy after the guy had finished making the play. Those penalties are 15 yards, which (obviously) really hurt.
It made me remember why I love hockey. Even though I had to sit there with my dad going, “Isn’t this better than hockey? Those hockey players are such wusses. This is so much better. Hmph.”
I’m trying so hard to hate Scott Niedermayer, but it’s really not going well. Maybe if I read why he’s a greedy jerk I’ll be able to hate him better.
Well, Kristen, to be fair, us Devils fans have a big leg up on the “hating Scott Niedermayer” front. Schnookie and I were just talking about how his name instantly conjures up the word “hold-out” in our minds. Before even the 3 rings. Huh.
I did have a giggle at Earl’s chart about how much more improved all the Ducks are now that he’s back. Gee, how much better would the team have been, then, if Nieder hadn’t “semi-retired”? It’s simple. He put himself above the team and the team has suffered for it. That’s enough, in my book, to make a case for not liking the guy (as a player).
He put himself above the team and the team has suffered for it. That’s enough, in my book, to make a case for not liking the guy (as a player).
Also, WTF Teemu. Have we even heard anything on Selanne? I mean, I actually like Selanne but I’m starting to hate him, too.
By the way, I highly recommend IT geeks. They may not be sporty, but they have good jobs and stable incomes and appreciate their women! Just a tip for the single gals (and guys - there are IT gals too) out there.
Amanda, I love you.
**bows graciously**
Did Romo play poorly?
Sadly, Romo didn’t play poorly and he didn’t break his leg somehow. The offensive line cost the team the game, taking a lot of stupid penalties for jumping early. The defensive line took a few too that gave the Giants a lot of the field. It was a complete breakdown, even thought the Giants D barely showed up for the 4th quarter.
He put himself above the team and the team has suffered for it.
What really drives me nuts is that Neidermayer is going to have his jersey retired in NJ when he finally calls it quits. I have real reservations about that.
Nieder’s a tough nut for Jersey fans, I think. On the one hand, he gleefully screwed the team over every chance he had. On the other hand, he’s a first-ballot Hall of Famer who was a huge contributor to three Stanley Cups. I feel like his number should be retired, but we should all sit in silence while it goes up to the rafters. And then proceed to let anyone who wants to wear 27 after that wear it.
Matt - you’re welcome. If you ever need a recommendation, just let me know. ;-)
And I don’t do IT work myself (I own a marketing company), but I swear, I *could* go into IT just with what I’ve picked up through osmosis. Well, that and I worked for an IT consulting company for almost nine years in their marketing department…
We were just discussing the hubby’s computer needs. We’re saving up money to buy new components, then I get his cast-offs, which are still pretty darn good. He can’t play the new games very well with his current system. I’m a cool wife - he’s using money I’m making at a moonlighting job. hee hee hee
Or better yet, let’s invite Niedermayer back for the 27 retirement night, but put Mottau’s name on the banner!
I had to laugh when I read this… And then proceed to let anyone who wants to wear 27 after that wear it.
Good one, Schnookie!
That would be…well, that would be terrible.
By the by, don’t access my site for a few days; I screwed up trying to publish to a domain name that isn’t quite ready for it yet. I am indeed a clueless n00b.
I feel like his number should be retired, but we should all sit in silence while it goes up to the rafters.
Agreed. I mean, the man obviously was taking HGH during all those cup runs. I mean, how else do you explain growth like this?
That would be…well, that would be terrible.
Well, so were a lot of the years we had to suffer through an underachieving Neider holding out at every chance! (Kidding! Kidding!)
John, good luck with the new domain!
John, let us know as soon as the site gets straightened out!
Oh, and Matt, I agree. The only explanation for that beard is a veritable cocktail of banned substances.
So Dany Heatley is out for six weeks with a separated shoulder. All I want to know is - why couldn’t he have done that before the Sabres played them twice in the past two weeks? Geez. A little consideration to the poor, floundering Sabres would’ve been nice.
Spezza went down today after a big open-ice check, but it sounds like they held him out for “precautionary reasons”.
Since Heatley is definitely missing time and then if Spezza misses time too, that makes Ottawa not nearly so scary.
Well, let me rephrase that, since Ray Emery is scary no matter what. Dude’s got a screw loose.
:^:::::::::::::::
Hee I wonder how Ottawa will do now :0 I was surprised the Wings/Sens game dind’t get as much hype.
Also, WTF Teemu. Have we even heard anything on Selanne? I mean, I actually like Selanne but I’m starting to hate him, too.
I was just reading the other day that Teemu “hopes to make a decision some time this month.” Like you said, WTF? All the goodwill he earned for flying all his crazy Finnish friends to the Cup Finals is leaking away.
Heatley is one of the few Sens I really like so I won’t take any joy in his injury. But Spezza can rot. Ha!
Well, I’ve always thought that the Sens were a one-line team. Now, before I have to start ducking punches from Sens fans, let me explain. Their 2nd, 3rd, and 4th lines have very good players, but something like 60% of their scoring comes from Heatley/Spezza/Alfredsson (if my stats are correct). The other lines are not liabilities, but the Spezza line is what drives the whole Sens bus.
Sooooo, now that 2/3 of that line may be out, the Sens might just come back to earth. It could happen!
*going off to find her Sens voodoo dolls and pins*
All the goodwill he earned for flying all his crazy Finnish friends to the Cup Finals is leaking away.
I KNOW. Teemu, make a decision already. It’s not rocket science, it’s fucking hockey, for Christ’s sakes.
Heatley is one of the few Sens I really like so I won’t take any joy in his injury. But Spezza can rot.
See, I know it was a long time ago and people make mistakes and I’m sure he’s very sorry, but killing a teammate while driving drunk just doesn’t allow me to ever like the man. I just can’t.
As for Spezza, besides the fact that he’s a Sabre-killer, I have no problems with him. Alfie is Alfie - I don’t have strong feelings either way except the warm fuzzies when I think about Pommer streaking around him for that SH goal.
Amanda, I think you and I could get along :D
Of the three CASH linemates, hands down I’d glare at Alfie first, and Spezza last. I have the whole Leafs-fan dislike for Heatley, but other than that I’m indifferent.
Wasn’t Teemu supposed to make a decision by this week? :x no?
I thought Teemu was supposed to make a decision imminently, but with these guys you never know…
Vinny - are you a Leafs fan? I’m not sure we can be friends. :-P
See, I know it was a long time ago and people make mistakes and I’m sure he’s very sorry, but killing a teammate while driving drunk just doesn’t allow me to ever like the man. I just can’t.
Heatley wasn’t drunk. Speeding but not drunk.
I agree that the Sens are largely a one line team but the last few games it’s been the other lines getting us while the top line has been somewhat subdued. So the secondary score is there sometimes.
I rate the top line this way: Love Heatley, mostly neutral but somewhat negative toward Spezza, can’t stand Alfredsson. I also love Mike Fisher.
See, I know it was a long time ago and people make mistakes and I’m sure he’s very sorry, but killing a teammate while driving drunk just doesn’t allow me to ever like the man. I just can’t.
You’re more than entitled to your opinion, but this is a topic that we’d rather not be discussed at great length here. We addressed this over the summer, before you started reading IPB; what we discovered is that everyone draws the line somewhere and this is where we draw it. There are not many off-limit topics here (we’re not big into censorship) but this is one of them, personally, for me and for Schnookie. We also don’t often play the “it’s our blog” card, but in this case we feel it’s necessary to point out this isn’t a forum, it’s our personal blog and so we reserve that right.
If there is anyone here who wants to discuss this with you, we’d prefer if you talk off-list. Thanks!
Vinny - are you a Leafs fan? I’m not sure we can be friends. :-P
Poor Vinny. Don’t be too hard on her.
He wasn’t drinking? Wow, my bad. I will revise my opinion accordingly. Ok, it’s not getting much better. Oh well.
I do have to admit I highly covet Mike Fisher. And he’s cute, too!
It’s hard to like anything about the Sens, since we see them SO DAMN MUCH, but I’m trying!
I won’t talk about Heatley anymore, I promise. No biggie!
On another topic, Ookies - how’s John Madden? That dude’s a beast. I hope he’s ok. Hank didn’t mean to hurt him. That big ole’ body sometimes just falls of its own accord!
I like Heatley and Spezza, and could take Alfie or leave him. But, while I used to love Spezza, I’m starting to cool on him. Then just when I think he’s too much of a doofus for me, he says or does something that makes me like him again.
It’s hard to like anything about the Sens, since we see them SO DAMN MUCH, but I’m trying!
I will clarify that while I love watching Heatley and Fisher (you’re right - TOTAL cutie) play, I have no desire to seem them actually WIN ever. I’m perfectly happy with those two playing well and the Sens losing every game ever.
Oh, and Anton Volchenkov. Love him. But again, he can play well, the team can lose.
I won’t talk about Heatley anymore, I promise.
Much appreciated!
As for Madden, I don’t think there’s been any word beyond he needs MRIs to determine if any tendons have been severed. The Devils aren’t big on keeping fans in the loop on the severity of injuries. ;)
Alright, folks, I’m heading to bed. I have to be at work by 8:30 tomorrow! Man, if only I had a gruesomely broken ankle!
Then just when I think he’s too much of a doofus for me, he says or does something that makes me like him again.
Patty, Spezza has become my Getzi of the East. He’s a total tool, is actually not that good looking, plays for a team I outright loathe from top to bottom, and yet… I’m smitten. And yes, he’s totally doofusy and often makes me wonder what it is that has me in his thrall, but I can’t deny it. I have only recently been able to admit this in public.
As for the rest of the Senators, fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all.
Schnookie, you crack me up.
I gotta go to bed too. I also h