Periodically we present our Gentle Readers with a list of offerings from our offshoot publishing house, IPB Publishing, Inc. We’re pleased as punch to announce that the latest catalog of titles is here! As with the previous installments, every title is an actual search term that was used to find IPB, with spelling, punctuation, capitalization and grammar all intact.
chris webber was a math genius?
This handy guidebook is a must have for non-sports fans who find themselves socializing with sports junkies, be they boyfriends/girlfriends, coworkers, in-laws, or friends. Designed around a series of yes-no questions, this book will teach newbies important facts about teams and players and sports history. Sample chapters include “Is Sean Avery an MVP: Lessons on Discounting Talking Heads” and “Is Scott Neidermayer A Greedy Jerk: Trends in Sports Un-Retirement”. After reading this book, you’ll be able to hold your own in discussions you would otherwise ignore.
In this very special April Fool’s edition of the popular Pommerdoodle Detective Agency series, Crunchy and Pommers go on a vacation, leaving Staffy in charge of the shop while they’re gone. Of course, crime never takes a holiday, so Staffy is forced into action when a violist from the Buffalo Philharmonic goes missing. Will a terrible fate befall the innocent violist before she can be rescued? Will the PDA’s rival Haines & Kibblehouse ruin the day for Staffy? And is the world really ready for a Staffydoodle? Read this book to find out!
does our brain tell us to laugh
At the Maple Leafs? Yes! At the Rangers? No, that’s all the heart’s doing.
Scientific America’s new foray into popular culture begins with this, the first in a series of books on sports science. The world’s leading researchers on neuroscience discuss what elements of the sports fan’s psyche are controlled by normal brain functions and which cannot rationally be explained. Don’t miss the follow-up volume, “Derek Roy Goggles Explained”.
kritios shooting game
IPB Publishing’s first foray into the world of video games. This title is a first-person shooter-style game in which the protagonist, Kritios Boy, has to try to save himself during the Persians’ sack of the Acropolis in 480 BCE.
how to stop from using recycled washing
Ray Emery’s how-to pamphlet instructing fellow tree-muggers how to undo all the good environmental work done by Andrew Ference. Designed to fit perfectly in the cupholder of a Hummer, this de-greening manual includes tips such as “throw out your light bulbs after every use”, “have the grocery clerk quadruple bag each item individually” and “waste electricity by using it to power items you will then ignore (such as alarm clocks)”.
joe micheletti great nhl broadcaster
A dystopian novel that imagines a world wherein all of mankind’s standards of excellence have been lowered to the point where Joe Micheletti is considered a great NHL broadcaster. The plot of this story isn’t much, but the horror of the conceit is enough to keep readers up for many terrified, sleepless nights.
steps on how to stop the devils mind trick
Subtitled, “The Idiot’s Guide To Not Shooting Yourself In The Foot”. A helpful handbook for the Lindy Ruffs of the world, offering a system of simple, easy-to-follow steps to keep yourself from abandoning your own successful game plan in favor of trying to out-trap the Devils.
Most freakin outrageously awesome tubas
After seeing the success story of Ryan Miller and Drew Stafford playing with the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra, Marcel Goc decides to bring his enthusiasm for modernizing polkas for 21st century audiences in this 35-minute DVD. Follow Goc in the recording studio, shopping his demo tapes to San Jose area recording studios, and booking gigs at senior citizen communities and children’s hospitals. Soundtrack sold separately.
how to fix broken nose
Eric Lindros’s self-help book detailing when to seek professional medical help and when to settle for amateur advice. Drawing on years of experience of being encouraged to ignore serious health issues such as debilitating concussions and collapsed lungs, Lindros writes in a style comforting to any lay-person facing unsettling and confusing medical problems. A must for any hypochondriac or accident-prone walking disaster.
“fear the visor”
The big book of things stupid hockey fans say when they think they’re being cool.
video of unrevealing olympic mascots
IPB Publishing’s International News division brings to light a series of videotaped interrogations conducted by the World Anti-Doping Agency. Watch as Dick Pound grandstands his way through fruitless interviews with stonewalling mascots such as Youppi!, Izzy and Waldi.
keep from puking after hockey
A pamphlet listing 101 reasons why fans should avoid watching the Detroit Red Wings.
oops i dropped my pants
A slapstick-inspired graphic novel imagining Johnny Oduya’s off-ice life, wherein every frame consists of the protagonist dropping everyday items.
oh tonight you keept me with you smiley
A sneak-peek at the image-rehabilitating move by Alex Ovechkin after his contract is proven a joke 8 years from now, this book of free-form modern poetry bares a side of the kooky Russian hockey superstar few have seen before.
max afinogenov killed a girl
In this “fictional” expose of the Buffalo Sabres, the anonymous author airs all of the Sabres’ dirtiest secrets. No stone is left unturned as the harsh light of thinly-veiled “satire” is aimed at this lawless collection of neer-do-wells. From Max Afinogenov’s murderous past to Paul Gaustad’s relentless chasing of chubbies, from Ryan Miller’s all-consuming misanthropy to Derek Roy’s destructive addiction to beauty products, from Drew Stafford’s obliteratingly hot bad-asstitude to Brian Campbell’s tongue-heavy wooing techniques, this book spares no one and will leave even the most hardened fan shocked and appalled.
tennis players that are chubby
Paul Gaustad’s memoir of his dating experiences with other pro athletes.
buffalo meat sauce
The -Ookies’ travel guide for Western New York explaining where to go, what to do and what to expect to eat on your next hockey road trip to the region.
atlas shrugged + gronk
An hilarious list of incongruous pairings and their comical end results. Other entries include “Ted Leonsis + hockey sense = ‘I’ve made a huge mistake’”, “Scott Gomez + Chris Drury = Atlantic Division Basement”, and “Mats Sundin + Stanley Cup = HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
cocksucking sack of shit
An unauthorized group biography of Mario Lemieux, Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier. For the Devils fan in your life.
IPB’s first inspirational children’s book, in which the -Ookies explain the superlatives in their lives. Comforting watercolor illustrations accompany the text, where young readers will learn that the -Oookies like the Devils very,very,very,very,very,very,very,very much, hate the Rangers very,very,very,very,very,very,very,very much, and like to listen to themselves speak very,very,very,very,very,very,very,very much.