It has come to our attention via several instances that the Parise Boys and their cohort Drew Stafford have an affinity for fake mustaches. As avid fans of the tragically underappreciated comedy show “Stella”, we cannot help but find this fact almost endlessly fascinating. These novelty disguises were prominently featured on “Stella” in the form of fake-mustache dealer Gary Meadows who gave a tour of his illicit wares: “You’ve got your Chuck Norris here… and your Dudley Do-Right…” Today we are imagining the Devils being contestants on the world’s coolest reality show, Project Mustache. And their challenge is to go on a shopping spree at Gary Meadows’ back-room mustache dealership, having been given $250 and 30 minutes. Let’s see what everyone bought, shall we?
Arron Asham – A Twits-style mustache, so he can be pleasantly surprised by all the foodstuffs contained therein.
Sergei Brylin – A lit-fuse filled Blackbeard to reinforce there’s more than meets the eye to this snack-sized swashbuckler.
David Clarkson – Purchased 10 of Meadows’ cheapest remainders mustaches and tied them all together, creating an epically long Frankenmustache that he can wrap around his head.
Patrik Elias – The Groucho Marx. Outside of a foecal oyster, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a foecal oyster, it’s too dark to read.
Brian Gionta – The Little Tramp, if only because he couldn’t find a “Little Punk” one.
Jamie Langenbrunner – The Pancho Villa, as “fuck this shit” a mustache as you’re likely to find.
John Madden – The Mr. Quackenbush, or, the mustache our gym teacher from elementary school had (in the ’80s).
Jay Pandolfo – Didn’t buy anything from Meadows, instead pocketing the $250 and spending 30 minutes growing a resplendent salt-and-pepper mustache himself.
Zach Parise – The Red Seal Peach, both out of hero-worship for his brother, and in a desire to show up Travis.
Rod Pelley -A spelling bee/Little League World Series contestant stringy, just-growing-in bit of hair on the upper lip. Anything manlier than that just made Madden too nervous about his future.
Mike Rupp – A man as big as Rupper needs a mustache with a big personality behind it, and thus he opts for the General Custer.
Travis Zajac – The Snidely Whiplash, all the better to twirl while cooking up nefarious schemes to fix the Battle of the Bands with Red Seal Peach.
Dainius Zubrus – The Salvador Dali. He thinks it looks stupid, but Sutter told him to wear it, so wear it he will. And he’ll like it.
Sheldon Brookbank – He was the healthy scratch for this episode of Project Mustache.
Andy Greene – Can’t bear the thought of losing his idealized, youthful visage, so he skipped out on the mustache, and went for a bubble pipe instead.
Paul Martin – A robust, Edward Gorey-style bristle-brush to perfectly complement his Gorey-style features.
Mike Mottau – There’s only one mustache for Applemotherfuckingsauce and that’s the Pencil.
Johnny Oduya – The Hercule Poirot, carefully curled, meticulously waxed, prone to dropping things.
Karel Rachunek – A huge old-west handlebar, the likes of which makes you doubt the mustachioed man’s intentions. He might be wearing a white hat, but his mustache suggests it should be black.
Vitaly Vishnevski – The Teddy Roosevelt because Vish-dog could totally take down a water buffalo or two without batting an eyelash.
Colin White – A Randito Bandito, to relive the glory days from the 2006 Playoffs.
Martin Brodeur – A drawn-on sharpie Van Dyke, because he’s the target of most opposing fans’ ire and is most likely to be vandalized by hordes of classless out-of-town visitors.
Kevin Weeks – The porniest pornstache ever. (In honor of the music that used to be on his website, but seems to have been Kool-Aid soluble.)
(Now, we fully put forth that this is the worst blog post ever written, and we’ve learned a valuable lesson from it. Marty Brodeur once said, after an early-round playoff loss, “It’s hard to win every year.” Well, that same sentiment can be applied to writing blog posts every day. Our sincerest apologies.)