It is an indisputable fact that the victim of a bite from Derian Hatcher will soon start feeling symptoms of increased scoring touch and sensations of general offensive dynamism. But what about the bites of other NHLers? If a biting epidemic were to sweep the league, should we all be concerned, or is the venom of the average NHL player a generally benign thing? Fear not, Gentle Reader — we’re putting our years of medical study to good use today, and have compiled a list of several notable NHL figures to give you an idea of what to expect should you be the victim of a bite from them.
Drew Stafford: Excessive badassedness; symptoms include the ability to rock in high voltage areas and an increase in muscle growth in the bicepal region.
Corey Perry: An increased and irrepressible need for falling over dramatically with no real encouragement.
Patrik Elias: Hepatitis Patty, which manifests as an insatiable hunger for foecal oysters and an massive decrease in hockey skills.
Jason Arnott: Spontaneous pregnancy, restless leg syndrome, brain tooth and any and all other symptoms caused by Vaxadrin.
Chris Pronger: Loss of finger.
Jason Spezza: Uncontrollable giggles and severe loss of fashion sense.
Ryan Getzlaf: Sepsis. Seriously. Look at those teeth.
Chris Drury: Robot herpes, crossed eyes and painful aversion to spiciness and bold colors.
Zdeno Chara: Giontaphobia.
Rick DiPietro: Bananacremephilia.
Cam Ward: Watery eyes, degenerative hip problems, lowered IQ, and weak chin, a.k.a. “Puppy Mill Syndrome”.
Olaf Kolzig: Enlargement and slowness of five hole.
Jacques Lemaire: Tanorexia.
Sean Avery: Brain worms.
Dominik Hasek: Glassification of the groin.
Scott Gomez: Mediocrity.
Ted Leonsis: Inability to make rational financial decisions, loss of long-term perspective.
Chris Chelios: Death.
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