All-Star Sunday

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Can you feel the excitement? Can you feel the star power? Can you? Can you? Because it’s ALL-STAR TIME! Doc’s intro, singling out the biggest and brightest names, is hilariously short of actual big and bright names. It’s like he’s saying, “Come see the high-scoring Ovechkin, the dazzlingly talented Vinny Lecavalier, the, um, tall Zdeno Chara… and, um, the… uh… well, Rick Nash scored a really pretty goal a few weeks ago. Sigh.”

Eddie’s suit is SO BAD. Who told him a charcoal suit with pink pin stripes was a good idea? That person should be fired. Anyway, we cut to commercial before the suit can make our eyeballs turn to ash, and when we come back there’s some musical act on the ice. Doc says their name, and Schnookie asks, “Who?” Pookie: “The Hives? The Hibes? I don’t know.” We get a close-up of them, and Pookie shrieks, “They look like a band of Chris Prongers! They’re all wearing Philip Seymour Hoffman boarding school movie suits!” You know what makes us feel like old ladies? When we see whatever awful act the NHL ropes into performing at the All-Star Game. And we sit in front of our muted television in stunned silence, wondering if this is what the kids are listening to these days. Pookie ponders aloud, “I wonder if they wear those outfits all the time? And do their fans wear matching outfits to their concerts?” Note to the Hives’ stylists: we muted as soon as we saw the suits. If they’d not been wearing those suits, we might have given them a chance. Not a good sartorial choice, Hives. Very poorly played.

During the WC team introduction, Schnookie announces, “Ed Jovonovski looks like he is beaming into my living room from 1996.” He is just a constant blast from the past.

When the camera pans over Arnott, Pookie says, “Ugh. He doesn’t look like he’s wearing clothes under his clothes.” Pause. Schnookie: “And he’s really a guy who should wear clothes under his clothes.”

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All-Star Red Carpet Review

We are sure you’re wondering what our take on the red carpet footage before yesterday’s SuperSkills festivities was. Well, after considerable TiVo delay, we’ve decided to zap through the presentation from NHL Network, and we’re happy to share our purely fangirl-riffic take on the be-suited players in all their All-Star finery.

– Okay, we were only going to do a cursory run through the show and just comment on what the players look like to us, but we are immediately sidetracked when Stormy the Ice Hog (or whatever he is), the Carolina mascot, starts hamming it up for the camera. He is mangy. The edges of his snout are worn off and peeling. And when we pause on a shot of him, we are horrified to discover his nostrils look distinctly like eyeholes.

– We have no interest in what anyone has to say. We are literally in this just for cleaned-up, well-dressed hockey players. And mascots. There’s Stinger behind Dave Strader!

– Yayson Spezza: looks like a million bucks. Of course, he’s 33% of the hott the All-Star weekend has to offer, so what else would we say? We’re glad to see that 33% was giving 110%. And what was up with the interviewer asking Yayson who is tailor is? Dolce and Gabbana are like, “Tailor???” (The patent-leather, pointy witch shoes are a bit much, but we overlook that.)

– HAHAHA! Poor wretched, bedraggled Stormy gets stuck in a monkey-in-the-middle situation between two jugglers.

– Tim Thomas: We are stunned into silence. We also really can’t put our fingers on what he looks like. Pookie thinks the eagle pendant on his toolish beaded necklace looks Nazi-ish, Boomer thinks he looks like Brian Dennehey in the frame we paused the TiVo on, and we are all in agreement that he looks like he whined his way onto the All-Star team. After several moments Boomer recants, “That’s probably not fair, by the way. Brian Dennehey is better looking than that.” Whatever. We don’t like him. Nor do we care who is tailor is.

– Soupy: Kicks things off by picking his nose with a Sharpie. Pookie: “He does not look like he deliberately went tieless, he just looks like he forgot his tie.” Pause. “Or that he’s wearing it like a belt.” It is an indisputable fact that Soupy has the worst hair in hockey. He ends the interview by chewing on his pen, or as Pookie says, “Like he’s eating the boogers off of it.”

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