We are sure you’re wondering what our take on the red carpet footage before yesterday’s SuperSkills festivities was. Well, after considerable TiVo delay, we’ve decided to zap through the presentation from NHL Network, and we’re happy to share our purely fangirl-riffic take on the be-suited players in all their All-Star finery.
– Okay, we were only going to do a cursory run through the show and just comment on what the players look like to us, but we are immediately sidetracked when Stormy the Ice Hog (or whatever he is), the Carolina mascot, starts hamming it up for the camera. He is mangy. The edges of his snout are worn off and peeling. And when we pause on a shot of him, we are horrified to discover his nostrils look distinctly like eyeholes.
– We have no interest in what anyone has to say. We are literally in this just for cleaned-up, well-dressed hockey players. And mascots. There’s Stinger behind Dave Strader!
– Yayson Spezza: looks like a million bucks. Of course, he’s 33% of the hott the All-Star weekend has to offer, so what else would we say? We’re glad to see that 33% was giving 110%. And what was up with the interviewer asking Yayson who is tailor is? Dolce and Gabbana are like, “Tailor???” (The patent-leather, pointy witch shoes are a bit much, but we overlook that.)
– HAHAHA! Poor wretched, bedraggled Stormy gets stuck in a monkey-in-the-middle situation between two jugglers.
– Tim Thomas: We are stunned into silence. We also really can’t put our fingers on what he looks like. Pookie thinks the eagle pendant on his toolish beaded necklace looks Nazi-ish, Boomer thinks he looks like Brian Dennehey in the frame we paused the TiVo on, and we are all in agreement that he looks like he whined his way onto the All-Star team. After several moments Boomer recants, “That’s probably not fair, by the way. Brian Dennehey is better looking than that.” Whatever. We don’t like him. Nor do we care who is tailor is.
– Soupy: Kicks things off by picking his nose with a Sharpie. Pookie: “He does not look like he deliberately went tieless, he just looks like he forgot his tie.” Pause. “Or that he’s wearing it like a belt.” It is an indisputable fact that Soupy has the worst hair in hockey. He ends the interview by chewing on his pen, or as Pookie says, “Like he’s eating the boogers off of it.”
– Zdeno Chara: Schnookie: “He looks like he should be attending a well-heeled summer afternoon cocktail party reunion at Oxford or Harvard, after which there will be punting.” Pookie: “He looks like he should work in a fantastical wonderland candy store.” We love his pink checked tie, his light pastel striped shirt and his summer-tone striped suit. He looks adorable! And fantastical! And well-heeled academic! And like he’d sell candy to children!
– Pretty Ricky: Long pause. Another long pause. Longer pause. Schnookie, finally: “It doesn’t work.” Long pause. Pookie: “It doesn’t work.” Pause. Then, Pookie: “He looks like a Masshole.” Boomer hates that he has a black tie, but a silvery-gray-and-white-striped shirt; she’d like to see him pair the shirt with a silvery-gray tie. Pookie thinks that would have made him look like he’s in a wedding. Schnookie can’t be bothered parsing him, because as usual with Pretty Ricky, it just doesn’t work.
– Alex Ovechkin: Pookie and Schnookie, in unison: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” The tie is an explosion of ‘60s-era upholstery pattern, but the shirt has wide stripes on it. Pookie starts, “If the shirt was solid-colored, he’d look like—” and Boomer cuts her off, “A Bond villain?” There is no denying he looks like Jaws. The final word on the tie from Pookie is, “You know if someone put that out on the runway on ‘Project Runway’ Michael Kors would accuse them of using the drapes.” (Boomer, in a small voice, says, “On its own I like the tie.” Pookie: “The pattern of the tie, as just a piece of fabric, is good. But not the tie.”)
– Hooters: Eric Staal always seems to clean up nicely. Like Yayson before him, he manages to make Soupy’s efforts at going tieless look even lamer by comparison. Pookie likes his haircut this year, and we feel like he looks much more relaxed now that Gronk is a bust. As he stands in front of Dave Strader, arms akimbo, his shirt strains at the buttons – his clothes can’t contain him!
– Tomas Kaberle: He’s going for the Charbacca fantasy candyland look, but just misses. The overall effect is a very nice one as he’s walking up the red carpet, with the medium-gray suit, the modestly-striped shirt, the pink tie, everything working well with his skin tone and hair color… but then he sidles up to the camera and it all falls to pieces. The collar of the shirt is weirdly short and wide-splayed, and the tie is so thick, that it kind of looks like everything around his neck was attached with a thin elastic band. Like perhaps he’s wearing a tear-away stripper suit. Pookie thinks his tie looks like a salmon. (We are also watching this after the SuperSkills, so we know what he does in the accuracy shooting. Pookie is a bit ashamed to admit, “I think the accuracy shooting is so cool that now when I see him, I won’t think, ‘He’s a stupid fucking Maple Leaf.’ I’ll think, ‘He’s a stupid fucking Maple Leaf who went 4-for-4 in the accuracy shooting.’”)
– Vinny Lecavalier: Okay, all the other guys can just go home now and not bother trying. There is no beating this look. Schnookie: “Vinny is schooling everyone on how not to wear a tie.” (He is, in fact, rocking a second undone button.) Pookie: “Well, he’s got the neck for it.” Schnookie: “Actually, with that neck, I’m not sure he can wear a tie.” As his interview progresses, Boomer comments dryly, “His chest looks like the ‘before’ picture in that Old-Spice commercial.” Burn.
– Sergei Gonchar: We have our first expensive overcoat sighting. Pookie: “He looks like an MGU professor.” Pause. “Of UFOs.” She explains that when she was in Moscow she got to tour the science wing of Moscow University, and the professor giving her tour, in the middle of showing the group all the geodes and rocks on display, pointed to one crystal that had some gray smudges on it. The professor explained very seriously that the gray smudges were pictures of UFOs. The leader of Pookie’s school group then whispered to her, “Next they’re going to give us a tour of their Alchemy department.” After regaling Schnookie and Boomer with that story, she looks back to Gonchar and says, “Actually, he looks like he’d be the professor of Alchemy at Hogwarts. Doesn’t he look all round like that?”
– Scott Gomez: He is schooling the rest of the guys on how not to go tieless, and how not to undo that extra button. He is the anti-Vinny. Hugely. There should be a law mandating that he always wear a tie. Honestly, he makes Soupy look great. Pookie: “He just looks sloppy. And weak shouldered.” Pause. “And weak brained.”
– Kimmo Timonen: He is also tieless, but the lack of a tie is like an afterthought. He’s got a striped shirt with a sloppy collar and a suit that Pookie thinks is the color of pantyhose. Schnookie: “He looks like my coworkers when they have to wear suits. They’re all lab scientists, so they all own one suit, and they all have to wear it just once a year. And they all look awful when they do.”
– Marc Savard: Schnookie: “I totally don’t recognize him without his douchey soul patch.” We like his robins-egg blue suit/shirt/tie combo. It should be too matchy-matchy, but after Timonen and Gomez, we like that he’s trying that hard. Pookie: “He looks really young.” Schnookie: “Yeah, he looks a lot younger without his douchey soul patch.”
– Marian Hossa: He is met with silence at IPB Manor. Pookie: “Well he wasn’t trying very hard, was he? He looks like he’s wearing the suit equivalent of Marty St. Louis in the trick-shot competition.” Pause. “Ouch! Yeah, I said it!” So yeah, meh. Black suit, blue shirt, no tie… whatever.
– Ilya Kovalchuk: For starters, is it just us or does he look more and more like Rick Nash every day? And what is with all the necklaces? It’s like he’s trying to be Brian Gionta in his BC days. We have no real opinion on his suit, though. It’s trying harder than Hossa’s, but idn’t anything to write home about.
– Manny Legage: It’s everyone’s new best friend! Schnookie; “His hair is a disaster. I can’t even look at his suit because his hair is so bad.” Boomer: “Is this Manny?” Pause. “He looks better in his workin’ duds.” Pookie likes the pale green tie with the white shirt and black suit, though. If not for his hair, this would have been a winner. Pookie comments, “Hooters should borrow that tie. It would look good on him.”
– Jarome Iginla: Ugh. So bad. What was he thinking? Even Tom Renney, at his most saturated-dark-color-tones mismatching worst, doesn’t look this bad. Burgundy tie, pinstriped navy/black shirt, and a black suit? So wrong! Just wrong!
– Evgeni Nabokov: We are 100% completely in love with this look. Schnookie: “This is the sartorial equivalent of Manny Legace’s mic’d up from the SuperSkills.” Who wouldn’t adore Nabokov for the ruffled, fluffy hair, the plain white shirt and black suit, and then the wide, blue-on-blue striped tie, loosely knotted and hanging totally, absentmindedly askew? It’s perfect!
– Nick Lidstrom: What is there even to say about Lidstrom? He kind of transcends all this. As usual he looks suave, Scandinavian, well-put-together. He’s Nick Lidstrom. What did you expect?
– Duncan Keith: We really, really like the nifty little pattern on his tie. We are not so fond of the fact that it looks like he bought his shirt at The Gap. He looks like the safely scruffy loner bad-boy romantic option for the heroine in a spunky teen movie. He is also schooling Soupy on how to have awful, goopy, uncombed hair that doesn’t make people recoil in horror.
– Ed Jovonovski: Pookie: “I don’t think this outfit is even worth commenting on. I mean, a t-shirt?”
– Whichever Sedin it is: The shot from the chest up prompts Pookie to declare, “I really wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing khakis. And penny loafers. And one of those cloth belts that’s blue and has red lobsters woven into it.” Oh, and we are normally fans of the neatly-trimmed beard, but the Sedins just make them look creepy. In fact, this beard looks like really fake, really badly-glued-on bad-guy beard from a 1950’s adventure movie.
– Shawn Horcoff: Pookie speaks for us all when she says, “I do not understand the Horcoff thing. At all.”
– Chris Pronger: He looks like the Philip Seymour Hoffman character from all those prep-school movies from the ‘90s, only he never got his. Pookie: “Every other guy is wearing just a suit. Hell, Vinny’s there with half his shirt undone and he’s probably not even wearing pants, and here’s Pronger in an overcoat and Burberry scarf.” You’d think he could afford an image consultant who could work with him on this.
– Marian Gaborik: Even with a caption identifying him, we still don’t believe this isn’t an Eastern bloc hitman from a 1960’s spy movie. We feel the sudden urge to turn off the TV and go read lots of LeCarre.
– Rick Nash: We love the yellow stripes in his tie, to go with the blue shirt and black suit. But seriously, Rick, trim the beard. Please trim the beard.
– Chris Osgood: Playing the role of Chris Osgood tonight is David Morse. Boomer: “He is obviously Faust. He’s made a deal with the Devil. He doesn’t look a day older than he did 10 years ago.”
– Scott Niedermayer: He appears on screen and the living room of stately IPB Manor echoes with the annoyed sighs of its residents. Nieder, being a guy who knows he can get away with whatever he wants and will be rewarded handsomely by the league, doesn’t even look like he’s trying. Well, bully for him.
– Dion Phaneuf: Schnookie: “He looks like that tool in your office who thinks it’s cool to dress up like a Reservoir Dog for Halloween.” After he is introduced as “Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames”, Pookie says, “He looks like he has to think really hard about the fact that he’s Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames.”
– Getzi: He might not be blond, but he just has veela powers over us. His hair looks fake. His suit is a weird color. His teeth are horrific and on hideous display. He sounds doltish. But we swoon regardless. Boomer: “I am trying to see this… But I’m just not jumping on the bandwagon.” Don’t worry, Getzi. Boomer might not love you, but we do. The show ends on Getzi, and Boomer asks, “Was that the end? Well, they certainly did not save the best for last.” Well, they didn’t have a lot to work with.