After the way they’ve lost their last two games, with their disinterested, lackadaisical play, we’ve decided we hate all the Devils and want them to suffer minor painful mishaps between now and Friday’s game with the Rangers that will cause them intense discomfort, but no serious injuries. Like papercuts, burned tongues, earaches and the like. Even more than that…
We want them all to get parking tickets.
We want them all to discover their fridges have broken, or their toilets start leaking so they have to wait on the plumber.
We want them to get all embarrassed at the grocery store when their credit card is denied at the checkout after they’ve had 15 bags of groceries rung up.
We want them to get pooped on by birds flying overhead.
We want them to put on their favorite pair of pants and discover a hole in the knee.
We want them to have bad hair days when they’re planning to have hot dates. Or better yet, to wake up with huge zits on their noses and foreheads before they’re supposed to go out for hot dates.
We want them to be walking around the mall and discover they have little sharp rocks in their shoes.
We want them to wake up, sit down for a bowl of cereal, and discover their milk has curdled.
We want them to get an ice cream cone. Only when they go to lick the scoop, we want it to fall off the cone and onto the sidewalk.
We want them to look forward to seeing the new suspense thriller everyone’s talking about only to have the surprise ending spoiled for them on their way into the theater.
We want them to get their cars back from the auto repair shop and discover that the driver’s seat settings aren’t the same as they’re used to, but none of the saved settings seem right either.
We also want them to have gotten loaner cars from the auto shop in which the previous driver smoked.
We want every DVD in their Netflix queue to arrive this week with scratches that make the movies impossible to watch.
We want them to pay their heating bill but discover after sealing the envelope that they forgot to put the check inside. And after they awkwardly tape the mangled envelope shut after enclosing the check, we want them to realize that they put the payment stub in backwards so the address isn’t showing. We want them to waste a stamp putting the stub and check into a fresh envelope.
We want them to forget that they got that aforementioned papercut until they’re squeezing lemons while making lemony chicken and pasta for dinner.
We want them to hop into a hot shower and discover they need a new bottle of shampoo, so they have to hop out into their chilly bathroom after getting all wet in order to get a fresh bottle of shampoo.
We want their TiVos to screw up and only record the first 35 minutes of their favorite hour-long shows.
We want them to go to a bar and discover there isn’t a single good beer on tap.
We want them to be expecting an awesome mail-ordered item to be arriving in the mail, only to discover that the mailman tried to deliver it while they were out, a signature is required, and now they have to go to a central post office in a part of town with which they are not familiar to sign for the package.
We want them to decide that the only thing they want to do with an afternoon off is play a rousing game of Yahtzee, but when they open the box we want them to find only four dice.
We want them to be super excited for the homemade chocolate chip cookies a friend gave them only to discover that the cookies contain nuts. And raisins.
Yeah, we hate the Devils that much.