This is our first Superbowl Sunday as hockey bloggers, and we’re sort of at loose ends about what we’re supposed to do. Do we try diarizing the Big Game? Nah. That’s just stupid. Do we try talking about football at all? Nah, because all we have to say about the Pats/Giants matchup is that we don’t really care who wins. Do we try to think of something cohesive to say about the Devils? Dear God no, not with the way they’ve been playing lately. So… we’ve got nothing. In place of an interesting post, here’s a running list of reasons why hockey is better than the Superbowl.
– Hockey doesn’t have Joe Buck. Sure, it’s got Pierre McGuire, but believe it or not, we’d take McGuire over Buck any day of the week. In fact, we really liked whichever beer ad campaign it is that has the guy saying “Dude” in all kinds of settings up until they made one with Joe Buck. Joe Buck ruins everything he touches.
– Hockey doesn’t require an understanding of Roman numerals.
– Hockey doesn’t get us all excited for the thrills and chills of the Greatest Commercials Evah, only to leave us disappointed and ashamed for paying attention to putridly awful, stupidly self-congratulatory commercials that we would normally ignore. Or worse than that, putridly awful, stupidly self-congratulatory commercials that include Joe Buck.
– Hockey has the physicality of football but not the culture of lying on the field until a group of doctors run over with magic potions to bring the injured player back to life. The Superbowl grinds to a halt for the first commercial break while Buck cavalierly chirps, “Two guys down for New England!” Eh, just slap those guys on skates and have them glide back to the bench in pain so two more guys can jump on and keep the action going!
– 51 minutes into the Superbowl broadcast, we’re already bored. Hockey broadcasts normally take at least 53 minutes before losing us.
– We completely agree with the conventional wisdom that Tom Brady is a scrumptiously attractive man, but seriously, we can probably name no fewer than 25 NHLers we think are hotter.
– This game is boring enough that it’s making it hard to think of reasons hockey is better. Hockey is never so boring that we loose sight of why we love it. And we’re Devils fans!
– While we appreciate the “It’s so rough-and-tumble!” appeal of grass stains on uniforms that the Superbowl has, we hate when players get that awful white line paint crap on their arms. It makes our own arms feel dirty. With the exception of Rod Brind’Amour’s transparent-when-wet shorts, hockey’s got nothing like that.
– In 2004 we moved into our new house just before Superbowl Sunday and thus didn’t have our satellite hooked up. While everyone else was watching the Patriots beat the Panthers (oh yeah, and Janet Jackson doing something during Halftime) we were watching Diamonds Are Forever on DVD. While there have definitely been years we’ve forgone the Stanley Cups Finals (Calgary, Tampa, we’re looking at you) we’ve never opted to watch anything as ridiculously stupid as Diamonds Are Forever instead. The fact that it’s not even halftime and we’re eyeing our Bond DVDs hungrily means there’s something wrong with the Superbowl.
– Hockey does not have an army of volunteers running out onto the ice during intermission entertainment to act as a sea of “rockin’” fans for the middling performance. (That said, Prince rocked last year. And we have no actual beef with Tom Petty this year. We just hate the throngs running out onto the field.)
– Tom Coughlin stows his clipboard in his pants. Even Marc Crawford wouldn’t do that.
– We are informed that the Giants, who play their regular-season games at the Meadowlands, are having difficulty dealing with the humidity of a domed stadium in Phoenix. And now they all have to eat lots of bananas and get massages on the sidelines and Pam Oliver is building-in their excuse should they lose. Seriously. The humidity. In a domed stadium. In Phoenix.
– With 11 minutes left in the fourth quarter the score is 10-7, and the game is dreadfully boring. It just throws into stark relief that at least hockey, where the scores actually reflect how many times the teams have scored, is honest about when it’s low-scoring and dreadfully boring. If you made goals in hockey worth 7 points, it would look a lot more high-scoring, too.
– We will not deny that this game has gotten CRAZY exciting in the final moments, but when Fox shows the Lombardi trophy after the Giants touchdown, it does not inspire chills the way the Stanley Cup does.
– There is no denying that was an awesome finish. But here’s one last thing that hockey has over the Superbowl: single-game elimination? Really? Are you men or are you mice?
So there you go. The numbers don’t lie. In the head-to-head matchup between hockey and the Superbowl, hockey wins. With one hand tied behind its back.
–How could we have signed off on this tale of the tape before watching a trophy presentation on the field… where they gave the trophy to the team owners? There is NO QUESTION that hockey has it all over the Superbowl.