New Jersey's Next Top Devil

Tonight marks one of the most anticipated events of the hockey season here at stately IPB Manor. Gentle Reader, you’re probably scratching your head and thinking, “Whatever is it that could be a significant event in the NHL at this time of year? Surely the -ookies wouldn’t get excited for Forsberg’s triumphant return or Ovie’s ascendance into ‘Greatest Man To Ever Breathe’ status.” No, you’re right, Gentle Reader, we really wouldn’t get excited for those things. In fact, we curse the hockey gods for finding ways to make March hockey even worse than it usually is. No, no, instead we’re excited for that most delightful evening of televised entertainment — Makeover Night on America’s Next Top Model!

Having said that, it probably won’t surprise you to know that we have long dreamed of New Jersey’s Next Top Devil. It would be a show that combines our favorite elements of ANTM (namely: the solid 10′s on the Bill Simmons Scale of Unintentional Comedy) with our favorite elements of hockey (namely: the Devils). We’ve conjured up all sorts of scenarios in which certain players fit the archetypal roles of the contestants on Tyra Banks’ magnum opus. Marty would be the spunky plus-size girl, persevering in the face of a complete lack of respect from the judging panel. Gomez would have been the girl who thinks she’s being really funny, original and outrageous, but who is only hanging around because someone else screws up enough each week to get kicked off instead. Holik would have been the self-righteous girl who lectures all the other girls all the time about their modeling skills and everyday comportment, and then flies off the handle when the subject of the lecture rolls her eyes or mutters, “Bitch” under her breath. Brylin would be the one Tyra ousts for “not having enough personality”. Mike Danton would have been the girl who with the attitude who thinks she’s better than the show, only to end up working at Wal-Mart when Tyra kicks her sorry ass off the show in Week 6. Oh wait. No, Danton doesn’t need a ridiculous reality-show analogy, does he? Anyway, we’ve decided, in honor of Makeover Night, to take a look at how our current Devils would fare if NJNTD was doing the same tonight.

Zach would be the “naturally pretty” one who gets his head shaved by Tyra to set him on edge. He wouldn’t take it well. In fact, he would have been the first contestant in NJNTD history to try to insist on having their own makeup artist and hairstylist. When Tyra wouldn’t let him have those, he’d demand a “personal groomer”. He’d make no headway on that front, either.

Patty would have been the one who showed up in casting with an atrocious weave, about which he would have bragged that he either paid $3000 for it, or cut it off a cadaver. His makeover would be to have the treasured ratty weave mercilessly cut out, and a newer, rattier one put in its place.

Travis would be the one who gets the ungainly, waist-length, straw-blond weave that completely doesn’t fit his face. He would vapidly claim in his post-makeover confessional that he really likes it, but he would be vapid in all of his confessionals, so it would be hard to tell how serious he was.

Langer would get the Saliesha.

Pando would be the one who gets nothing. And he’d just say, “Okay” when Tyra unveils his non-madeover makeover. In his post-makeover confessional he’d say, “I was really looking forward to a new look, but Tyra thinks this is what I should do so I’m going to do it.”

Madden would be the one who gets a super-sleek, platinum bleach job and then, when he’s done, stands behind the other girls who are still being worked on and makes power poses in the mirror, thinking he’s psyching them out.

Pelley would get an interview edit into this sequence, with foil in his hair, rolling his eyes and saying that Madden doesn’t scare him. He would then proceed, later in the episode, to let Madden crawl deep inside his head and lay the groundwork for his eventual NJNTD breakdown.

Rachunek would get long blond hair that Tyra enthuses makes him look “just like Giselle”. They would cut to a shot of Rachunek with his new hair side-by-side with a shot of Giselle, and they would look nothing alike.

Oduya would be the one who gets an incredibly flattering, stylish, totally cutting-edge new look, but who was so married to his old style that he cries through the entire makeover and for most of the rest of the episode. He would then insist on wearing his old hairstyle to every judging panel.

Zubrus would be the one who has the hellacious six-hour makeover that tests his soul. He’d be stoic through the entire thing, and then get cut that episode. In his farewell confessional, he would insist pathetically, “The world hasn’t seen the last of me!”

Mottau would be the one who gets the insanely incongruous, fire-engine red dye job.

Greener would get the “it’s edgy, we promise” look, the one he totally doesn’t understand. He would then give a mopey confessional with this ridiculously awful haircut, in which he says all the right things but can’t hide that he hates it.

Whitey would get long bangs. He would confessional, with a sheet of bangs falling limply over his eyes, “Mr. Jay said I need to learn how to work the bangs. I need to do some mirror work, but I think I’m going to like them.”

Gio would get “honey” highlights, and then Marty would try to eat his head, insisting he looks “just like a honeyed dormouse”. They would cut to a shot of Gio with his new hair side-by-side with a shot of a honeyed dormouse, and they would, indeed, look exactly alike.

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