Like any good hockey fans/mad geniuses, we do our best thinking while watching games (probably because the Devils don’t do much to keep our attention from wandering). During the duller moments of the second period of the Devils-Wild game, Schnookie, who had just finished making a huge batch of chili powder, presented Pookie with a brilliant plan to get rich, a plan that spurred some brainstorming about an exciting entertainment opportunity we think NHL Network would be stupid to pass up.
Schnookie: You know, every time I grind dried chili peppers, I can’t help but think about how people have weaponized them. So what I’m thinking right now is that we need to figure out a way to weaponize the experience of watching the Devils suck this bad. It’s brutal! Just think of what a fortune we’d make — the big defense contracts from the government would be rolling in! I could retire on that!
Pookie: NHL Network should use that for a knock-off of “24″. Lou Lamoreillo would be the bad guy with his weaponized “Devils Killing Hockey” formula. It would be called “60 Minutes”. [Pause.] Oh, wait. That’s taken. “65 Minutes”! Because it would go into overtime.
Schnookie: It would go into a shoot-out. Literally.
Pookie: Mike Wallace would play Jack Bauer.
Schnookie: It would go into a shoot-out. Literally.
Ba-dum-ching!
I don’t know why this amused me so.
I totally just commented on a week-old post at IPBLiving, too. I should REALLY read that one more often…I need to put that link in the middle of my hockey blog links, so as to remember to go there daily.
I don’t know why this amused me so.
Heh. It’s because we all love a corny joke every now and again, right? (And obviously it amused us enough that we made it into its own post instead of just putting it into the game diary last night… :D)
I highly recommend adding IPB Living to your daily rounds. I think it must be the best non-hockey blog on the interwebs. Or, um, something.
I’m lazy, so I’ll respond to the IPB Living comment over here — the knife block is WAY cooler than I expected. I first saw one last Spring when I was taking a class at the Culinary Institute of America, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how it worked (the inside “knife sticky-inny” part is all bamboo skewers). I finally outgrew my old Wusthof knife block (thanks, Pookie and Boomer, for giving me Shun knives for the last few big gift-giving occasions — I’m so spoiled :D), and decided to give the bamboo skewer thing a try. It’s AMAZING. It’s form and function, all in one!
the knife block is WAY cooler than I expected.
That is so cool. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was made of when I was looking at it in the store, but bamboo makes sense. That was one of the worries for me, was whether it was going to mess up the knives. Glad to hear it’s on the up-and-up.
I looooooove Shun knives. Though I have a thing for Henkel over Wustof. The Gourmet series is awesome.
I’ve had my Wusthofs for over ten years now, and while I adore them, I keep hearing Henckels are nicer. I suppose if I could go back and do it all over again, I’d have gone Henckels, but my Dad’s “fancy” knives were Wusthof, so I was brand loyal when I was starting out. That said, my knives have served me very well. *Sad sigh* (:P) And now I’m developing a knife problem, like my bowl-acquiring issues. They just make so many nice, fancy styles of knife now! First you get a santoku (or, as Pookie calls it, “Santori — a-ring-a-ding-ding!”), then you get a Shun santoku, then you’re hooked on the damascene finish, and then you’re sunk. Someday my kitchen is just going to be covered with knives.
I have no idea whether the bamboo thing is on the up-and-up, but it hasn’t hurt my knives yet… And if I’m in an emergency situation, I can just pluck a few skewers out of the box! :P (Seriously, though, it seems to work fine.)
First you get a santoku (or, as Pookie calls it, “Santori — a-ring-a-ding-ding!”), then you get a Shun santoku, then you’re hooked on the damascene finish, and then you’re sunk. Someday my kitchen is just going to be covered with knives.
Forreal! They keep coming out with new knives and each one is more functional than the last.
Shun has a weird looking one called the U2 (Universal Utility). We got it at my store the other day and while I haven’t used it, it looks like no knife I’ve ever seen before. Though I have to say, I’m adverse to anything that willingly calls itself U2.
Dude, that is the craziest fucking knife I’ve ever seen! What the hell? You have to try it out and report back (do they let you try them at the store?) — that’s insane. It looks like the world’s deadliest mayonnaise spreader. (I’m with you that U2 is, perhaps, a tad toolish a name. Although maybe they figured playing up their toolishness would enhance the appearance of functionality? Har har!)
I’ve only got one of them at the store right now, so any test-drive with have to be pantomime form, which only works for figuring out if the weight and feel is up to par, which for me, Shun pretty much always is. But I’ll check it out and let you know. I’ve got a guy who is Shun-obsessive, if I see him in anytime soon I’ll see if he’s got it yet and has any feedback.
I’m with you that U2 is, perhaps, a tad toolish a name.
It’s hard to insult a knife by calling it a tool. (Har!)
Pookie: Mike Wallace would play Jack Bauer
GENIUS!
I love a correct usage of “literally”. It’s so rare. :D
Also, since you’re running the NHL Network, could you either mix in a few new commercials, or make your shows longer so you don’t need more. The same 5 commercials are shown 15 ba-thousand times in a single episod of On the Fly.
(And no, I’m not backing off my love for the hockey fan in the nursery.)
Um… episode. Sheesh.
We’re actually going to shorten every show, so the same five commercials can be shown a few ba-thousand times more every day. And so we can fit that Darryl Sittler show on a few more times a month.
Also, since you’re running the NHL Network, could you either mix in a few new commercials, or make your shows longer so you don’t need more. The same 5 commercials are shown 15 ba-thousand times in a single episod of On the Fly.
I DEMAND MORE COACH GUY COMMERCIALS!
I know there’s like 100 of them already, but every last one is hilarious.
Also, new Yo Momma goalie commercials. That could be stretched across at least a few more spots!
And so we can fit that Darryl Sittler show on a few more times a month.
Can you make the picture a little greener?
Well, whatever you do, don’t get rid of that old guy.
This makes me wish I had NHL Network.
Even more.
Patty, do you get it? You have DirecTV, right?
I know there’s like 100 of them already, but every last one is hilarious.
I cannot get enough of the 100% one. I think Boomer and Schnookie are probably really tired of me finding every opportunity to riff on 80% of something giving 100% and 100% of something giving 80% and so on.
Psst, Caitlin, since we’re talking IPB Living over here tonight, I just wrote a post over there answering your question about where I find the pieces I stitch. I hope it answers your question!
I cannot get enough of the 100% one. I think Boomer and Schnookie are probably really tired of me finding every opportunity to riff on 80% of something giving 100% and 100% of something giving 80% and so on.
I personally enjoy that one, the origins of hockey (why isn’t it called puckey?) one, and the defense/offense one.
OH! And the “There’s No I In Team” one…”There’s no I in team. In fact there’s no I in hockey, period….There is an I in period…and you play periods in hockey…but there’s no I in hockey. Period. The I…is in the beholder…”
I love that they DONT hit you over the head with the last joke and let you figure it out.
Can you make the picture a little greener?
Can we?? OF COURSE we can! My main criticism of that Sittler show is that the production values just don’t look cheap enough. We’re going to shoot it again, matching it frame-for-frame, but we’re going to make it look more like we didn’t spend more than $20 on the whole thing. It’s going to be AWESOME.
Pookie, I will NEVER get tired of the 100% thing. EVER.
Patty, do you get it? You have DirecTV, right?
If you have DirecTV, it’s channel 215. Though I imagine you’d have found it by now if you have DirecTV, and I might just be being stupid.
Psst, Caitlin, since we’re talking IPB Living over here tonight, I just wrote a post over there answering your question about where I find the pieces I stitch. I hope it answers your question!
Yay! I’m so excited!
If you have DirecTV, it’s channel 215. Though I imagine you’d have found it by now if you have DirecTV, and I might just be being stupid.
I sadly have the Satan of cable companies, also known as Blime Blarner Blable.
I have DirecTV and I have that channel, Caitlin. But I also have Center Ice, so I don’t know if I’d have NHL Network if I didn’t have Center Ice. Or the Sports package. I also have that.
Pookie, I’m going to comment on IPB Living, but thank you so much!
My main criticism of that Sittler show is that the production values just don’t look cheap enough.
You could work to make the sound worse. If that’s possible. :D
And my favorite coach commercial is the “We couldn’t put the cat in the hat” press conference.
And the offense/defense is cracking me up a lot lately. I think it’s Tippett’s actual system.
I was operating under the impression that the NHL Network was included on our DirecTV thanks to the Sports Package, but if that was the case, wouldn’t it be in the 600s? Maybe it’s just something that comes with DirecTV now…
Hee! Blime Blarner Blable! :D
Pookie, I’m going to comment on IPB Living, but thank you so much!
You’re welcome!
Ah, Blime Blarner Blable… I’ve heard such… um… uh… things about you.
I’ve heard such… um… uh… things about you.
My favorite is the time they insisted there was NOTHING wrong with our internet. (We have an internet/cable/phone bundle, so when one goes out, they ALL go out.) After over ten service calls and begging and pleading and whining and screaming, we finally convinced them to come out after service hours to look at it so none of us had to take off any more time from work.
Their discovery? The cable line running behind our house was bad and needed to be replaced. Thanks, BBB! (I had to drop an online class as a result of that and wrote furious letter after furious letter to no avail.)
Caitlin, I hate BBB on your behalf! Sounds like cable hasn’t changed in the many years since I went to satellite.
BBB is TERRIBLE! I’m shocked and appalled! We have Comcast to go with our DirecTV. Their DVR is pretty crappy, you have to go into any customer service situation with a lot of research and knowledge beforehand, but they haven’t been too unreliable. YET. (Except the whole TiVo Series 3 thing… *Shudder*)
Their DVR is pretty crappy, you have to go into any customer service situation with a lot of research and knowledge beforehand, but they haven’t been too unreliable. YET.
Beware! Comcast and Blime Blarner share the same parent company, -Ookies!
The big reason why we switched back to cable was mainly because our satellite company destroyed our roof. It’s like either way — you can’t win! (Although after two plus hours of calling to find out if they have the NHL Network or not this year, I did get an e-mail from BBB offering me Center Ice at the low, low price of $59 for playoffs. Whatevs, BBB. You’re in league with Blersus. I know it!)
It’s like either way — you can’t win!
No, they’re both terrible. And our satellite goes out when it rains. And we can’t get HD on it (because of our maple tree). Between the two, we’ve kind of got a lot of our needs covered, though. Although we can barely afford to eat. :P
Not to defend them or anything, but my newer satellite has only been affected by the rain once. And it was okay, because right after it started pixellating, the power went out. It was a REALLY bad storm.
I used to have much more trouble in that area, until the HD started (even on my old dish with HD).
Not to defend them or anything, but my newer satellite has only been affected by the rain once.
Seriously? I’m impressed! If it even looked so much as cloudy, our satellite pixellated to all hell.
My original one used to do that. I’ve had satellite a while. When I first got it, I had the national network feeds. I used to get all the prime-time shows twice, one for the East, one for the West. When they got all the local channels up there, and then I moved, they wouldn’t let me go back to that.
I used to love getting our pick of the national network feeds! I liked watching PBS out of Denver.
Our satellite now is better than our first few were in the rain. Last summer it had a wonky cable issue where it would spazz all to hell even in the slightest rain, but after we demanded a service call, it hasn’t done that again. We’re going to work on getting the HD dish this summer (no reason to get tangled up in that and the inevitable weeks-long fuck-ups that will go with it during the hockey season…), and I’m hopeful the new dish will be as nice as yours is, Patty!
Also, new Yo Momma goalie commercials. That could be stretched across at least a few more spots!
If they didn’t want to go with the goalies again, imagine the Yo Mama-offs they could have if they got the NHL’s brother acts involved. The Staals, Neidermayers or Crunchys could have their own commercial where they battle to find the ultimate Yo Mama winner, only to realize that one’s mama is the other’s mama.
Or would that be a little too inside joke for the mainstream audience?
Or would that be a little too inside joke for the mainstream audience?
It might be, but they could have the ultimate reveal at the end of them all having the same last name on the back of their jerseys. It would work better for Staals and Crunchys than Neidermeyers, being that they’re on different teams.
Even better, at the end the Staal Mama shows up and drags them both off by the ears! Then as she’s pulling them away, you see the names on the jerseys for those who don’t get it. That would be awesome.
Just announced…Pronger got eight games for his stomp.
http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/news_story/?ID=232096&hubname=
Only 8? Huh. Well, it’s certainly better than nothing!
8? Ok. Like Pookie said, it’s better than nothing.
It seems a little short, but it’s definitely a step up from his usual nothing or one game. A step in the right direction.
A step in the right direction.
I’m sort of apprehensive about this. My inner cynic thinks that the NHL is going to think this is enough for him to behave better, but I somehow doubt it. 8 games this time is going to mean nothing if they give him 1 again next time.
Gah tags.