A Playoff Preview of Right and Wrong, Good and Evil, Us and Them: The West

Yesterday we broke down the Eastern Conference playoff teams in terms of why they do and don’t deserve to win the Cup this year. Today, we’re turning out attention Westwards.

1. Detroit Redwings

Why They Deserve To Win:

Nick Lidstrom is just so classy he makes his entire team (save one player) deserving of winning.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

That one? Darren McCarty. Wait, no, there are two. McCarty and Hasek. Seriously, guys, is this 1997? What the hell? Also, enough with the Red Wings already. We lived through the late ’90s, and even though it’s been six years since their last Cup, isn’t everyone still tired of the Wings?

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

Pierre McGuire thinks they can’t win.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

It’s always deliciously funny when the Red Wings don’t win.

2. San Jose Sharks

Why They Deserve To Win:

Year after year after year we all pick the Sharks to come out of the West, and year after year after year they choke. It would be quite the feel-good story to see them finally live up to potential.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

They went on a huge tear, peaking at the very end of the season. If they win the Cup, this will disprove the popular theory (that we subscribe to whole-heartedly) that you can’t peak in March and still win.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

Brian Campbell’s price on the free agency market will skyrocket if he can add “Cup Winner” to his resume. As long as the team that throws ridiculous money at him isn’t the Devils, the contract he signs will be a deliciously stupid mistake.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Brian Campbell is never the answer; seeing the Sharks lose after picking him up will bring a smile to the face of anyone who understands how defense is supposed to be played (i.e. not poorly).

3. Minnesota Wild

Why They Deserve To Win:

Who’s got a better fanbase than the Wild? Seriously, is there a building that would rock harder than the Xcel center with the Stanley Cup being skated on its ice? No, there wouldn’t.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

They, more than any other Western Conference team, responded to Anaheim’s douchekabobiness by gooning it up, bringing in Chris Simon at the trade deadline.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

Wild hockey is too boring even for these long-time Devils fans; however, as long-time Devils fans we have to say it would be deliciously funny to hear the MSM try to explain that the Wild are “playing 1-2-2″ not “trapping” to appease television viewers new to the game as Marian Gaborik is hoisting the Cup.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Ummm… Unless you’re a fan of the Wild’s division rivals, it probably really wouldn’t be all that deliciously funny to see them lose. Is there still a lot of residual hatred for Jacques Lemaire, or are Lou Lamoriello and Marty Brodeur taking the brunt of the “killing hockey” blame these days?

4. Anaheim Ducks

Why They Deserve To Win:

They don’t.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

The Ducks have had, pound for pound, the most despicable story-lines this season. From signing Bertuzzi in the off-season, to letting Niedermayer and Selanne un-retire to so that Burke could dodge salary cap issues, to Chris Pronger using his skate blade as a weapon and getting a measly 8-game suspension, the Ducks have redefined being undeserving of a championship. Also, they won last year. It’s someone else’s turn.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

Um… Let’s see… Uh… Well, we guess it could be funny if the Ducks win and the whole “un-retirement” thing gains traction in the NHL, becoming a huge disaster and turning the sport into a mockery, because then the folks who tried to defend Niedermayer and Selanne this year would be proven wrong. That’s way too steep a price to pay, though. Really, there is absolutely zero upside to a Ducks repeat.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Because we are not alone in thinking they have had, pound for pound, the most despicable team this season.

5. Dallas Stars

Why They Deserve To Win:

They’re the Devils of the West!

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

Well, the Devils of the East would never have tried that Richards trade, so… they should probably lose for messing with their “Devils of the [blank]” status.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

It would be pretty damn funny to see Turco be the last goalie standing at the end of the postseason, given how much crap he gets for not being clutch.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Because no one wants Brett Hull, GM to be a success story.

6. Colorado Avalanche

Why They Deserve To Win:

They don’t. We still haven’t forgiven them for 2001, and seriously, this fanbase had a Cup championship team handed to them in 1996. They can stand to suffer a bit.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

They supported the un-retirement of Peter Forsberg. Just having Forsberg in the first place is bad enough, but having him in that stupid “un-retired” way is even worse. Plus, with the Forsberg and the Foote, they’re just as guilty as Detroit at trying to drag us all back into 1997.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

It wouldn’t be.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Did we mention Forsberg? Oh, and Jose Theodore?

7. Calgary Flames

Why They Deserve To Win:

We hear good things about that guy Iginla.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

We’ve heard a lot of awful things about that guy Keenan.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

Iginla was the nearly forgotten MVP-caliber superstar this season behind Ovie, Ovie, Ovie, Malkin, and Ovie; it would be awesomely funny to see him get the Cup.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Every year that Mike Keenan goes without winning a Cup is a deliciously funny year.

8. Nashville Predators

Why They Deserve To Win:

After being left for dead, reduced to a punchline, victimized by a firesale, and pretty much universally reviled, Preds fans should have something good coming to them.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

They’re secretly the gooniest, assiest team in the NHL.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

We’re big fans of a team winning the Cup amidst threats of moving out-of-state. Also, see “left for dead, reduced to a punchline, victimized by a firesale, and pretty much universally reviled.”

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

One name: Jaaaaaason Arnott.

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A Playoff Preview of Right and Wrong, Good and Evil, Us and Them: The East

A few weeks ago we were exchanging emails with Heather B., Katebits and Patty, and got into a bit of a good-natured exchange about how we felt our teams most deserved to win the Cup this year. Of course, “good-natured” quickly escalated into a firestorm of bitterness and hurt feelings; we were surprised at how quickly we all felt seriously slighted and defensive about our deservedness. We’ve been thinking a lot about that conversation ever since, and what we’ve come to realize is that everyone has legitimate reasons why they “deserve” to win (with a few notable exceptions), and conversely, everyone has legitimate reasons why they don’t “deserve” to win. Since it’s way too easy to just go through the matchups and pick winners (we think we were 100% right last year…), for our playoff preview this year we’re going to take a look at all sixteen teams with the idea of deservedness in mind.

1. Montreal Canadiens

Why They Deserve To Win:

The Habs are a popular second team choice this year and we think this speaks to several things: generally likable players, a lack of recent playoff intensity that might get other fans’ dander up, good sweater design, and a long history of greatness. One more Cup win will tie them with the Yankees for the most championships by a major North American pro sports team, a claim that the NHL really should wrest back from the evil clutches of MLB.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

If we thought the Canadian media was insufferable last year about Ottawa, just imagine what they’ll be like about Montreal. And if we thought Sens fans last year were insufferable in their self-congratulation, just imagine what Habs fans will be like. Also, they’ve won the Cup a ton of times already; maybe it’s time for some other fanbases to get a turn.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

After hearing the Canadian media spend the first half of the 07-08 season all but mailing the Cup to Ottawa, it would be deliciously funny to see Lord Stanley alight one province over.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

The Canadiens would once again be burned for deciding an unproven goalie was capable of being the next Patrick Roy.

2. Pittsburgh Penguins

Why They Deserve To Win:

Two Words: Crosby, Malkin. We don’t really have hearts, but we suppose it would be fair to say that it’s a feel-good story for a team that was on the brink of relocation last year finally finding its way and becoming a beloved champion. Also, we suppose it would be a marketing coup for the league to have Sid win the Cup, as much as those of us who already watch hockey would all want to kill ourselves from the overhype.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

Two words: Crosby, Malkin. Do we really want to suffer the media overload if those guys win? Also, how much of a feel-good story is it to see a team rewarded for a seasons-long cycle of tanking? Shouldn’t willful mismanagement and tanking for draft picks be punished by the wrath of the Hockey Gods, in the form of lousy amateur scouting and colossal draft busts?

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

After the way so many Ovechkin fans have decided that their guy’s ascension to regular-season MVP makes Sid irrelevant in the NHL superstar firmament, it would be fantastically delicious if Ovie’s Hart season was answered by a Crosby Stanley Cup.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Ray Shero gave up quite a bit to get Hossa and in the process turned this season’s Penguins from a young team with a great future ahead of it to a “Win Now” team. If the team doesn’t bring home the Cup this season that deal will go down as solid argument against mortgaging a promising future for a known playoff bust. Also, we hated hearing about the Conklin revival this season, so we’d cackle with glee if he once again cost his team their most important game.

3. Washington Capitals

Why They Deserve To Win:

There’s no denying that there’s a bit of the “long-suffering” thing going on for fans in DC. So, um, there’s that. And we guess the marketing thing would be good for the league to have Ovechkin win the Cup…

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

… but that said, we don’t want to live in a world where the hockey media is in an orgasmic supernova of Ovechkin adulation. Psst, hockey media — when other guys do what Ovie does after scoring goals, they’re criticized for showboating. Oh, and there are other players who are enthusiastic and enjoy their jobs. He, um, didn’t invent that. And don’t even try it with the “Isn’t he cute? He ordered a cute girlfriend from the internet” thing. He, um, didn’t invent that, either.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

We’re under the impression there are some in the hockey world who would find some Schadenfreude from Ovechkin winning the Cup before Sid. (We think those people are pretty willfully ignoring the fact that Ovie is just as overhyped as Sid is, but we digress.) So we guess some people would find that deliciously funny. We don’t personally agree with that assessment, and the only thing we’d be able to cling to in the eventuality of a Caps Cup would be if Kolzig had nothing more to do with it than opening the bench door during games. Yeah, we still resent that Vezina.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

We’ve been hearing from Caps fans for three years that the greatest travesty in the world is having to suffer through the overhype of Crosby and the Penguins. On the eve of this playoffs, non-Caps fans are being drowned in an onslaught of Ovechkin and Capitals overhype. It would be delightful for Caps fans (no matter how long-suffering) to have burned through all their karmic fan-goodwill over a team that doesn’t win it all.

4. New Jersey Devils

Why They Deserve To Win:

Marty Brodeur is going to retire as the most underappreciated, best-at-his-position guy ever to play the game. He deserves to get that fourth ring to balance out the other hardware he’s deserved but won’t get (the Hart, previous Conn Smythes, et al). And, after winning three Cups and being mocked for not playing in a city proper, it would be awesome for the Devils to be able to win a championship in Newark. Also, we kinda like the Devils. We hear they’re pretty awesome.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

There are no reasons why they don’t deserve to win. Please.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

Only one person thinks the Devils can win the Cup this year and that’s Mike “Crazy Old Man” Robitaille. And that includes Devils fans and members of the organization. It would be deliciously funny if the team proved everyone (but Robi) wrong. Also, two words: Scott Gomez.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

There will be no delicious humor in Mudville if the Devils don’t win. This kind of schadenfreude requires that people outside of NJ have paid any attention to specifics about the team. Since the general consensus seems to be that Marty’s stats are buoyed by a great defense and good goal support, we have to assume no one outside of NJ has watched a Devils game all season.

5. New York Rangers

Why They Deserve To Win:

You’ve got to be joking.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

Where to begin? First of all, it just Rangers. Second of all, after years of building their team with patience and intelligence, they went out and bought the biggest names on the free agent market last summer, throwing franchise-player numbers at second- and third-line centers. Third of all, it just Jagr. Fourth of all, it just Sather. Fifth of all, it just Avery.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

The MSM would have to find some other thing to point to than just “They need a big-market team like the Rangers winning the Cup” when explaining how lame-assed the NHL is.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Yet another season would come and go without the name Chris Drury getting engraved on Lord Stanley’s Cup. Look closely at that Cup. How many times does that name appear on it? Once? Just once? Really? How many more seasons coming and going without that number growing do we need before the title “Captain Clutch” gets transferred to someone who’s actually, well, been more clutch?

6. Philadelphia Flyers

Why They Deserve To Win:

The 06-07 Flyers were so awful and the fans handled it with such unexpected aplomb even we, Devils fans living in the heart of Flyer country, felt a little sorry for them. To follow the kind of season we evidently wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy (okay, second worst; we’d happily see the Rangers have that win-loss record) with a Cup, well, that’s a feel-good story. We suppose.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

They tried to bring back the Broad Street Bullies. And they’ve mismanaged yet another star player’s concussion. The Flyers organization doesn’t deserve much more than a kick in the nuts. (Furthermore — it just Flyers.)

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

There’s not a lot we can think of that would be funny about the Flyers winning, but we guess we could get behind the idea of them finally getting over the hump the year after they jettison Bobby Clarke.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Daniel Briere? And that stupid contract? Really? Her?

7. Ottawa Senators

Why They Deserve To Win:

Because it would make Toronto’s head explode. Also, Jason Spezza is dreeeeeamy. And that’s all we’ve got. But, that was enough last year for us to be happy to see Ryan “Dreeeeamy” Getzlaf’s despicable team win.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

We had some trouble concisely verbalizing our reasons why the Senators don’t deserve to win this year, and this is the exchange that best sums up our conversation:

Pookie: “Why they don’t deserve to win? They’re the Ottawa fucking Senat–” Schnookie cuts her off by saying, “Hubris.” Long pause. Pookie: “Oh. Hubris. That works too.”

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

Well, everyone’s pretty well written them off, so we guess if you’re into that kind of thing, it would be funny to see them surprise some unsuspecting opponent. But it wouldn’t be funny at all if that win involved Emery. Or Neil. Or Alfredsson. Basically, it would have to be all Spezza and Commodore, because they’re dreeeeeamy.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

Not winning the Cup would be the deliciously funny cherry on the top of the deliciously funny sundae that has been the 2007-2008 Ottawa Senators.

8. Boston Bruins

Why They Deserve To Win:

Bruins fans are the one Boston fanbase that hasn’t become a big-B, big-F Boston Fanbase.

Why They Don’t Deserve To Win:

This is a franchise that passed up the opportunity to name their ursine mascot “Spokey The Bear”. This? Is a travesty. A travesty. Talk about not deserving anything better than a kick in the nuts. Also, Tim Thomas apparently has a bear on his mask because he likes to kill bears. Isn’t that a bad karma thing?

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Do Win:

A Bruins Cup would be deliciously funny to anyone who thought it was classless of Lou to fire Julien with three games to go last season.

Why It Would Be Deliciously Funny If They Don’t Win:

It would be delicious for anyone who’s ever had to listen to Jack Edwards calling a game on NESN.

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