This is the first in our summer series, “Project Bicycle Spoke”, wherein we are drawing hockey cards at random from a box and writing whatever comes to mind about each card.
When we envisioned this project, we had visions of a relaxing, fun way to spend the summer, with nary a care in the world. So imagine our horror when the first card we pulled was…
A Chris Bourque rookie card.
Chris fucking Bourque.
Seriously! What in the hell? We were supposed to be having fun! Instead we’re having horrible flashbacks to 2001, when Ray Bourque was supposed to be the valiant hero all of hockeydom could get behind (instead of the soulless sellout ring-whore he really was), and stupid teenaged Chris Bourque got trotted out for the cameras with vomit-inducing regularity. If we were to design an IPB Tarot Set, Ray Bourque might very well signify Death. Pain and Suffering, at the very least. And Chris Bourque would be whatever the sidekick is for Death, Pain, and Suffering.
We floundered for a few minutes. We considered calling a mulligan and tossing the card back into the box. We considered incinerating the card and never speaking of it again. We considered trashing this whole misbegotten Project Bicycle Spoke before it even started. And then we considered Chunky Beaverbutt.
Chunky Beaverbutt is a hand puppet of a beaver that lived atop our TV for many, many years, until we got a flat-screen and he didn’t really fit as well. As she gazed at the card mournfully, Schnookie sighed, “I wish we still had Chunky Beaverbutt, because he’d be perfect for this.” As usual, Pookie was thinking exactly the same thing, only she had a better sense of organization — “Chunky’s downstairs in the basement. I know exactly where he is.” Moments later, the puppet was produced, and we knew what we were going to say about Chris Bourque.
Here’s the thing: some people think of Ray Bourque and think of his Hall-of-Fame career with the Bruins. Other people think of him being a valiant warrior when he was actually whoring himself out to the Avs for a ring. Other people snicker about the Avs retiring his number after he played two seasons with them. And we think, after mentally projectile vomiting over the 2001 Cup, of his terrible, terrible hair. It was like a pelt. Like a cheap pelt. Like a cheap, artificial pelt. Like a cheap, artificial pelt from an imaginary animal. Like Chunky Beaverbutt.
Yeah, Chris Bourque, when we think of you now, we think of Chunky Beaverbutt.
Chunky Beaverbutt? :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And I agree. I mean, I wasn’t a fan when Ray Bourque played, but I can’t believe Bruins fans still treat him as a God when he ditched their team to win a Cup. Trev Linden never won a Cup. But he wouldn’t have ever dreamed of leaving the Canucks to do it. Ray Bourque is a wanker.
Ray Bourque is a wanker.
Agreed!
“Wanker” is SUCH a great word for him, alix! The whole Bourque affair was just so effin’ annoying, and then on top of it all, it was the Devils the Avs beat to get that Cup. I mean, talk about adding insult to injury! (I’m not sure which was the insult and which was the injury…)
I didn’t know that about the Devils/Avs! That sucks. Freakin lame ass Avs.
…and then on top of it all, it was the Devils the Avs beat to get that Cup.
Ah ha! I knew there had to be a Devils connection to elicit such an adverse response! :P
Myra, there’s always a Devils connection. And if there isn’t? We’re pretty good at making them up.
I have to say, just as an aside, the more I look at this picture of Chunky Beaverbutt, the more it looks exactly like Ray Bourque’s hair.
I hated Ray Bourque and his Chunky Beaverbutt hair (and stupid Chris Bourque) even BEFORE the Avs beat the Devils. Just stating for the record. :P
Ok, we were having a discussion about when one would get a rookie card since Chris Bourque had only played in 4 NHL games. Which lead to an argument over Mark Fistric having a card or not. How do they get their cards?
I have NO idea how the cards work. I actually initially thought this was a prospect card until I looked closer at the picture and realized it said “rookie”. It all seems a bit suspect to me.
Hubbie says it’s all because he had a famous dad (with “chunky beaverbutt” hair).
Yeah, I think it was all on the strength of his name. The card has his stats from Hershey on it, and he wasn’t exactly tearing up the AHL…
Is Chris Bourque actually still in the league? I never hear about him any more.
I don’t think he was EVER in the league. We saw him at Caps training camp, though, and all I could see was a giant Chunky Beaverbutt on skates. (I’m thinking the hockey card people were kind of putting the cart before the horse with this one…)
Is there a Bourque that’s not related to Chunky Beaverbutt? Seems like there is. That might be why I was surprised that he was related, because I thought the good Bourque kid was un-related.
It’s always hard to say, though, because Jussi was always being accused of being related to Olli Jokinen, and Niko Kapanen was always being accused of being related to Sami Kapanen, and Joel Lundqvist was always being accused of being Hank Lundqvist’s brother. Oh, wait. That last one’s true.
I guess I can look it up myself. :D @
Oh, wait. That last one’s true.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I think there’s a Rene Bourque? Am I making that up?
His stats show he played 4 games for the Caps. Currently, it looks like he is back with the Hershey Bears.
There’s totally a Rene Bourque.
Rene Bourque! That’s the one. He’s supposed to be good! And un-related. :D
Apparently the key to being an effective current Bourque is to not be related to Ray. :P
Well, I’m outta here. I hope you like tomorrow’s pick better. I’m finding it very educational already. Have a good one!
Hee! Have a good night, Myra! And I have high hopes for tomorrow — things can only get better from a Ray Bourque flashback, right? (Famous last words.)
Good night, Myra! I hope we like tomorrow’s pick better, too! :D
things can only get better from a Ray Bourque flashback, right?
*draws card* Cam Janssen?!
*draws another card* Peter Forsberg?!?
*draws another card* WAYNE GRETZKY?!?!
Pookie, :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Hahahaha!
If those are your next cards, Pookie, you’ll be glad you didn’t burn any of your mulligans tonight.
You’re right Patty — you really don’t want to be spending all those mulligans in one place. The Project Bicycle Spoke Card Dispenser is a veritable minefield! I bet there are Pronger cards in there!
EEK! Pronger! If there’s a Pronger card we’ll send it to you, Patty, so you can run it over with your car. Send pictures and it’ll serve as our post.
I’d be happy to!
I thought THIS was funny.
So we’re watching House Hunters right now, and the guy just described a kitchen as “functionable”. Pookie goes, “I think the Devils this year were dysfunctionable. In that they were not able to function.”
Patty, :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
That’s TOO FUNNY!
Patty, THAT IS SO FUNNY!
I’ve always wanted to function a kitchen.
I love The Onion.
I was looking at their store and they have a baby t-shirt that says, “This Daycare is a Fucking Joke.”
I SO wish I knew someone that would be willing to let their kid wear that.
Who doesn’t want to function a kitchen? :P
If you get a Boucher card, send it to me and I’ll, um… well, just send it to me. :P
I SO wish I knew someone that would be willing to let their kid wear that.
Oh my god, that would be SO COOL! I’m not allowed to read The Onion at work, so I never think to go there.
If you get a Boucher card, send it to me and I’ll, um… well, just send it to me. :P
Yeah, Patty, I don’t need my employer having to block my own blog due to what their blocker euphemistically calls “provocative attire”. :P
I read the Onion just when I get their weekly newsletter. I almost never go to the Sports section except accidentally, like just now.
I read Slate.com every day, and they always have three headlines on the sidebar from The Onion. Sometimes they’re sports headlines, and they always crack me up.
And that’s my story.
I’ve always kind of wanted one of their t-shirts that says, “Area Woman”.
Did y’all see that the NHL store had Ovechkin/Hart Trophy t-shirts? Should I get you one, Schnookie?
Oh, get me seven! So I have one for every day of the week! I’ll invent having fun 24/7.
*sigh* Another reason for you girls to hate my team. It’s fine, pile ‘em on. After all, Olie’s not here anymore so you need SOMEONE to fill the void ;)
Bourque’s been an AHLer and he was pretty decent up in Hershey last year…something about a breakout season, I don’t know.
…to be honest I kind of despise him and hope he never makes it, but that’s just me. He had a few callups with the Caps this year and was just not impressive. Plus he’s a douchebag. A tiny one at that. Ugh.
Plus he’s a douchebag. A tiny one at that.
See, Myra? It’s not just about the Devils! :D
CC, needless to say, I thought of you when I pulled the card; “CC’s going to laugh so hard at us…”
I also thought, “Uh oh. Way for us to start this project out with a bang for CC…”
I knew Chris Bourque was a douchebag back when he was a twerpy little teenager getting trotted out for the cameras during the “Doesn’t everyone just adore Ray Bourque for his awesome integrity?” Tour Of Misery. Heh. :P
Tour Of Misery.
If IPB/PBS continues the way it’s started that’s what I’m going to be calling it.
*Clank!*
HEY! I was joking!
HA! Totally! Well, if we spend too much time fixating on this past season, “Tour Of Misery” is all we’ll get! :D
So basically you guys didn’t have much to say about CHRIS Bourque? :P
Kidding! I love the stream of consciousness thing you got going on here.
Do you need more cards or do you have enough to get you through the summer?
So basically you guys didn’t have much to say about CHRIS Bourque?
I know, right? I’m wondering if I’m going to end up thinking I was just lucky to have at least of heard of the guy.
More cards are always welcome! We could only find three different types of sets, so I think right now we’d have a lot of repeats. I figured we’d snag some extra packs in Ottawa, but if you have a few you want off your hands, we’ll take those too.
It’s amazing, isn’t it, that there’s nothing to say about Chris Bourque. It’s almost as if anyone’s only ever heard of him because he’s related to someone famous. Almost. Heh.
I love that it’s only now, about 550 posts into the IPB experience, that you’re remarking on our stream-of-consciousness approach, Heather. :P
And we’re always open to new cards! There’s tons of room in the Card Dispenser/Box!
I don’t have a ton but I do have some floating around here somewhere, I think. If I can find them I’ll bring them to Ottawa.
I also got distracted trying to figure out what Alec Guinness movie you guys were watching.
It was “Our Man In Havana”. We were so pleased that the opening credits showed up so awesomely in the picture — that was really why we used that picture, too. Heh. We had one where Pookie caught the credits just as the names were changing, so it says “Maureen Burl Ives O’Hara”.
I had to say to Pookie and Boomer during the movie that I’m SUCH an old lady, because I’m all, “Oh, that middle-aged Alec Guinness! What a dish!”
“Oh, that middle-aged Alec Guinness! What a dish!”
Well, duh totally. Have you guys seen “Kind Hearts and Coronets”? It’s pretty good and Guinness plays like 100 parts in it.
For some reason I’ve always REFUSED “Kind Hearts and Coronets” because it was one that Boomer and Dad used to always say we should watch but only ever when I was in the least old-movie-ish mood. This was when I was a kid and old movies seemed a little boring. But that I know that’s not always the case — heh — I’ll keep my eyes peeled for it! I think TCM shows it fairly frequently.
Pookie, I don’t want to make you REFUSE it even more but it’s a good little move. A totally fun way to pass an evening. I watched it with my mom and two of my brothers a few years ago and we all really liked it which doesn’t happen often.
All quiet on the IPB front…
CC, needless to say, I thought of you when I pulled the card; “CC’s going to laugh so hard at us…”
Yeah, I’m going to find a way to prove that you did that on purpose ;) Do you have other Caps in there or do you think you’re done for the summer?
We’d better not have any more Caps in there! :PPPPPPPPPPP
Seriously, though, we have no idea! We have not looked at the cards even for a second so that we’re that much more surprised each night. Project Bicycle Spoke is all about integrity.
Ha…haha…ha. You’re SO funny :P And naturally – integrity is key in such a venture, I totally agree. In all seriousness I think this is a hilarious idea (once I figured out what the name meant; yeah, I’m slow) and I’m looking forward to reading the rest!
Although I am sad there won’t be 118 NEW reasons why you love hockey. Maybe I’ll pick up the slack, what do you think? ;) I’ll have to find the time, my summer is now going to be filled with Project Redesign on ye olde blogge. I’m finally making the switch to WordPress for good and switching to a real actual ‘www.’ website and even maybe bringing on a special correspondent for…when I’m lazy.
Ooh, WordPress! Finally! I can’t wait to see the new digs! And a fancy www address, eh? We’re too stingy for that around here.
I think you should totally try 118 Reasons You Love Hockey. Only with fewer than 118 reasons. 118 was wicked hard to finish. I don’t recommend it.
And finally, I think I’m pretty much outta here for the day! I’ve been stuck at work all day but mercifully, it’s almost over! Woo-hoo!
CC, that sounds like a fun project, re-doing your blog. I can’t wait to see how it turns out!
I bought the www of my blogs name but I just have it re-directing to the wordpress address. So once you have yours up and running, I might pick your brain on how you did it.
Patty, I’ll be happy to give you any help I can, although I don’t know how helpful I’ll be :P I’m actually deferring to the brilliance of a friend of mine who designs websites as one of her jobs. I bought the domain name ages ago but she’s going to host it on one of her servers free of charge…which is like music to my ears! But I can always pass on questions to her if I can’t help.
I’m so excited. It should look pretty sharp when it’s done (I hope) although IPBers be warned, it’ll probably have a big ol’ picture of Ovie on it :D
This has been the most terrible day! Our interwebs went out for HOURS! I was forced to READ A BOOK, and I’d already finished the Reacher book I was reading yesterday. That’s right — I’ve read books now for TWO DAYS IN A ROW. It’s TERRIBLE!
The name Chunky Beaverbutt sounds like a nickname that the Pens bestowed upon Sid.
Amy, I think it is. :P
(I would like to state for the record that Chunky Beaverbutt LONG predated Sid, and is, in fact, a name Boomer came up with.)
Sid’s so young Chunky Beaverbutt is probably older than him! (Just kidding. We’re not that old.)
Our interwebs went out for HOURS! I was forced to READ A BOOK
What the HELL! Those bitches!
“Those bitches” is SO RIGHT! Honestly, I don’t know how I ever lived without the internet. I almost would rather not have indoor plumbing. (ALMOST.)
Good evening, IPB. Long time no see. Well I can’t stick around long, but I figured that I would let everybody know that I finally updated the Frisby Bowl standings.
Hey Frisby! I can’t BELIEVE andrew won that, too. What is UO with andrew winning EVERYTHING??? Next year, I will not be so easy to beat, mark my words.
I had actually forgotten all about the FrisbyBowl! (No offence Frisby, you’re awesome) Andrew, I swear has a deal with the fantasy game hockey god. That’s just craziness.
I am NOT cook with andrew winning everything. He is TOTALLY banned. Not that he’d notice, what with his telecommuting and all. :P
That spoiled man. Winning IPB hockey contests left and right, telecommuting. Grumble, grumble. :P
Argh. I’m planning a post about Kevin Bieksa’s angry face as a Reason I Love Hockey, but I can’t find this photo I found months ago that perfectly depicts the awesomeness of his angy face. It’s sooooo annoying.
That BLOWS, alix! I hate when that happens!
It really does! Thanks, Schnookie.
Thanks, Frisby!
Winning IPB hockey contests left and right, telecommuting. Grumble, grumble.
Grumble, grumble indeed!