This is the tenth in our summer series where we are drawing hockey cards at random from a box and then writing about them.
When we moved into stately IPB Manor, we began drawing up some elaborate plans for how to best utilize the 1/2 acre of property that came with it. Naturally, our heads quickly filled with thoughts of starting up our own living history farm, with heirloom oxen, authentic smokehouses, and maize mazes. That didn’t seem quite unique enough to this area (throw a rock and you hit a living history farm) — we needed something with more pizazz, more razzle-dazzle. We needed a reproduction Angle-Saxon burial ground, like the one at Sutton Hoo (thus stately IPB Manor’s alter ego, Maple Hoo). Plans for the living history farm stalled when we surmised that suburban [Small Town, USA] wasn’t zoned for heirloom oxen. The hoo was put on hold when we discovered digging holes big enough for bare root treelings was hard enough; excavating enough ground to accommodate a longship was more than we’re looking to do just now. While we ponder these surefire schemes for turning stately IPB Manor into a moneymaking boon, we find ourselves always looking for other potential ventures. So when we drew tonight’s card, we couldn’t help but jump right into formulating plans for a new attraction:
A Soviet-style mausoleum filled with the embalmed bodies of deceased NHLers.
Surely that’s what Upper Deck had in mind when it superimposed Heatley’s picture over what is clearly the wall of a Soviet mausoleum. We’re pretty sure we can see the tips of Lenin’s shoes down in one corner. Being that both of us have experienced the thrills and chills Lenin’s Tomb, we can tell you there’s big demand for embalmed body viewing (in certain places, in certain eras). We understand there are several obstacles standing between us and this dream. For starters, we might have to nix the authentic 18th-century smokehouse to make room for it. Secondly, there aren’t any mausoleum material suppliers in our area. If you know of where we can get some Soviet-gray monument-grade marble wholesale, give us a ring at 1-800-DEAD-NHL. Thirdly, Dany Heatley is still very much alive. Given that he’s three years younger than the youngest of us, there’s a very good chance we might make these plans only to not have the chance to go through with it. Given how striking this card is, we think it might be a risk worth taking. In fact, we’re calling our lawyer now to have our respective wills altered to specify our estates be used for this venture in the very likely event that we predecease Mr. Heatley. The future generations at stately IPB Manor deserve it!
Post Script: For your continued reading pleasure, there is new content over at ModFan, as we’re presenting several days of “Better Know A UFA” in anticipation of the hockey holiday known as “July 1st”. The first installment takes a look at Mike Commodore and Brian Campbell.