Project Bicycle Spoke: Jaromir Jagr

This is the 16th in our summer series in which we are pulling hockey cards at random from a box and then writing about them.

1. When he finally cut it off, he had his mullet woven into a heart-shaped throw pillow, which is now nestled amongst a collection of needlepoint pillows on a settee in the conservatory at Mario Lemieux’s house. Sidney Crosby is terrified of it, as he insists it hisses whenever he walks by.

2. He has never learned which chess pieces do what. When playing, he merely apes his opponent’s most recent move. This doesn’t stop him from wagering huge amounts on every chess game he plays.

3. He used to explain to friends that his favorite thing about playing in New York City was the giant, cigar-chomping rats. It took an embarrassingly long time for him to realize that was Glen Sather.

4. As the years have gone by, he has gotten fewer and fewer participants for his Greatest Most Jagriffic Amazing Floating Craps Game; at this point, Jagr is forced to hold the game as an annual event that coincides with the circus coming to MSG, as the elephants are the only ones who will still join in.

5. He has a deathly phobia of Samoans.

6. If any one NHLer’s life should be made into a ballet, his is not it.

7. If any one NHLer’s life should be made into a baseball game, his is it.

8. He is unable to resist shiny objects, and often has to be stopped by teammates from trying to clothe himself entirely in aluminum foil.

9. He frequents the Met Museum, always making a big show of paying four times the suggested entrance fee. He doesn’t, however, ever return his button for recycling.

10. He can’t swim.

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