This is the 19th in our summer series in which we are drawing hockey cards at random from a box and writing about them.
How do I get toothpaste out of a shag carpet?
Doreen G., Joliet IL
How did you end up with toothpaste in your shag carpet? What kind of moron lets their toothpaste get close to a shag carpet in the first place? Unless you’re a total nitwit and have shag carpeting in your bathroom, in which case you’re beyond all hope. Soon I’m going to have a huge new contract that will allow me to just replace any shag carpeting that gets toothpaste in it (or replace whatever fat idiot friend of mine would put the toothpaste there, because there’s no way I would screw up my toothpaste and my carpeting, because I’m not stupid), but I’m assuming you’re poorer and fatter than me, so you’re going to have to clean your carpet out. I have no idea how. It’s not a situation I think I’ll ever find myself in.
I just purchased a classic tweed suit. Is it safe to hand wash it, or should it only be dry-cleaned?
Glenda C., Lexington, KY
If you’re wearing clothes correctly, you should never have to wash them at all. And by “wearing clothes correctly” I mean “wearing them only once”. Only fat people wear the same article of clothing twice. And you should bear in mind that classic tweed suits are not stylish. The only kind of tweed you should ever wear is a tweed boob hoodie.
I’m hosting dinner for my husband’s new boss and his wife. What would be an appropriate menu for such an occasion given that the boss’s wife is a vegan? I’ve never cooked a vegan meal before.
Yvonne G., Omaha, NE
I have an idea, why don’t you host non-dinner for your husband’s new boss? Why does everyone feel the need to be eating dinner every night? I mean, every night? Good grief, fatties, give it a rest! Invite your husband’s new boss (why does he have a new boss? Was he not good enough for his old job? Was it because he was spending too much time eating dinner and not enough working? Probably. In fact, nothing you say will convince me otherwise) into your home and offer him an empty plate of delicious nothingness. He’ll be so impressed with your commitment to not being a stupid fatty that he’ll give your husband a raise. Also, his wife will appreciate that no vegetables were harmed.
I found a $100 bill on the floor of the mailroom at my office. I posted a “found” notice but no one has claimed it. How long should I wait before claiming the bill as my own?
Billy P., Crested Butte, CO
Dear William (seriously, a grown man going by “Billy”? UNACCEPTABLE!),
First of all, what were you doing in the mailroom? Life can’t be all about walking and mailing stuff. Get out to the rest of your office before you turn into a postal moleman. Also, I think that $100 is yours to spend. On 1/8 of a boob hoodie from the Refinery. Life can be about driving around and buying boob hoodies. Trust me. I know these things. Because I’m not a postal-worker half-mole-half-man.
I inherited an antique silver ice-cream scoop collection from my late, beloved grandmother. What is the best way to display them while also protecting them from the ravages of time?
Beverly M., Elk River, MN
For God’s sake melt them down! You don’t want to get fat, do you?
I own an African Gray Parrot. Can you recommend a way to teach it how to talk? I’d like to be able to impress friends with him when I hostess cocktail parties.
Oriel P., Sarasota, FL
Are you not interesting enough to impress your friends with your own talking? Are you really so pathetic that you have to rely on a bird to make a good social impression? Remind me to never attend any of your cocktail parties.