Project Bicycle Spoke: Joe Sakic

Dear Crunchy,

We drew Joe Sakic out of the Project Bicycle Spoke box today and we don’t know what to write. Do you have any helpful suggestions or tips for a situation like this?

Signed,
The Ookies
Stately IPB Manor, NJ

Dear Ookies,
Life can’t be all about driving around and having other people do your work for you. You have to figure this one out on your own. If I were lazy and dullardish like you two, I’d get my butt off the couch and do some research to see if Joe Sakic’s been in the news lately for any reason whatsoever, then I’d write about that as if I cared about it. I’d reflect on the decades of stolid leadership and classy play Sakic’s brought to the NHL. I’d acknowledge how hard he had worked to earn two Stanely Cup rings.

Oh, fuck it. Just say, “Joe Sakic? Her?” I mean, we’re all thinking it.

–Crunchy

Dear Crunchy,

I am helping my daughter plan her wedding, and we are not quite sure how to handle a delicate situation within my husband’s family. He is estranged from his neer-do-well brother, but my daughter and I are very good friend’s with the brother’s wife, who is a wonderful person. Is there a polite way we can invite my sister-in-law while making it clear that her husband isn’t welcome?

Gloria, Providence RI

Dear Gloria,

Yes, there is a perfectly polite way to handle this. Send your husband’s brother’s wife an invitation to the wedding, and hand-write on the invitation, “This means JUST you. Don’t bring your asshole husband with you.” Then, if she insists on bringing the dirtbag with him, make a huge scene and kick them both out of the reception.

–Crunchy

Dear Crunchy,

Do you have any easy recipes for homemade raspberry jam?

Marianne, Carson City NV

Dear Marianne,

Are you retarded? The easiest way to make raspberry jam is to open a jar of it. This isn’t rocket science, you know. Of course, you probably already know that all that jam is going to make you fat, right? Well, it’s probably too late in your case, but it’s my responsibility as an advice columnist to mention it.

–Crunchy

Dear Crunchy,

My son recently turned eight, and my husband and I promised him a pet dog, now that he is old enough to help take care of it. Is there any specific breed of dog you could recommend as a good family pet?

Arlene, Augusta ME

Dear Arlene,

For the love of God, don’t get a labradoodle. Other than that, you’re on your own. I’d say get him something with four legs and a tail. Anything less that that will be creepy, and the other kids will pick on him.

–Crunchy

Dear Crunchy,

I have been in charge of a book club for the last two years, and until recently it has been an utter delight. All of the members of the club get along well and share similar interests and temperaments. We have lively discussions about the books we read, but everyone is respectful and shares good senses of humor. However, several months ago a new member joined the club, and it’s been a terrible fit. This person is argumentative, negative, confrontational, and seems to revel in ruining everyone else’s good time. Is there a subtle way I can try to gently push this person out of the book club, so we can go back to enjoying our lives?

Paula, Buffalo NY

Dear “Paula” (or should I call you Paul”a”?),

Screw you. If you don’t like me being in your stupid book club, just tell me to my face, okay? It’s not my fault you all are simpering, fat, stupid, fat, idiotic, fat fatties. I believe that the best approach to life is honesty, and if that means hurting a few feelings along the way, then tough. If you can’t handle hearing the truth (i.e. that you’re fat), then that’s pathetic. There’s no point in letting people continue deluding themselves, because really, all that comes from sugar-coating hard truths is that people get fat.

–Crunchy

P.S. I’m not leaving the book club.

Dear Crunchy,
I work the late shift at the hospital and as a result, I sleep later into the morning than most people. Every afternoon when I go out to retrieve my morning paper, it looks as if someone’s already read it. My neighbor doesn’t subscribe to the paper, and yet he always seems up on stories covered by the paper. I don’t want to alienate my neighbor, who seems like an otherwise nice guy, but I also don’t want to be sharing my newspaper with him. What should I do?

Terrence, South Bend, IN

Dear Terrence,

It’s called a morning paper for a reason. If you can’t drag your lazy ass out of bed to get to the paper before your mooching neighbor, you don’t deserve to know what’s going on in the world. If getting up early isn’t an option because of the “sick people” in the “hospital”, you could always do what I do — work out a deal with the newspaper delivery service to rig your paper with tear gas and angry killer bees. My neighbors haven’t bothered me for years thanks to the dilligence the Greater Buffalo Newspaper Boy Brotherhood has taken in the effort to booby trap my morning paper.

–Crunchy

Dear Crunchy,

I recently considered retirement after spending twenty years in my current job. I thought I was reasonably well-liked and respected, so when I announced I wouldn’t be leaving afterall, I expected a certain amount of appreciation and well-wishes. Instead, I’m hearing people merely shrugged and said, “I didn’t realize he was leaving.” Should I be concerned?

Joe, Denver, CO

Dear EggJoe,

Her?

–Crunchy

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