Parsing Paulie's Q&A

Ever since we saw the call for submissions for questions for Paul “Paulie Martin” Martin to answer, we’ve been on tenterhooks. Would he answer our questions?

Dear Paulie,

Who are your favorite bloggers whose names rhyme with “ookie”?

Dear Paulie,

Have you ever seen Zach and the Itty Bitty Katamari prince in the same place at the same time?

Dear Paulie,

Can you swim?

It was with much anticipation that we opened up the article today. No, our questions weren’t there — but we’re not too upset as we know the answers already; us, no, yes/maybe/no — but there was ever so much more there to squee/swoon/die-laughing over. Here is a look at some of our thoughts about Devils fans’ questions and Paulie’s answers:

– When asked about his worst roommate experience Paulie offered up yet another priceless chapter in the annals of “Welcome to the NHL, Whippersnapper: By Scott Stevens”. No, it’s not quite as good as “Gomer, pick up the birds”, but Paulie bemoaning that his rookie season involved rooming with Stevens, a prospect Pauile admitted “scared” him, is up there. You see, Paulie goes on to admit that Stevens declared lights out at 9 p.m. every night. This breaks our little hearts! Poor, poor Paulie! Finally making it to the bigs, dreaming of all the wild scenes he’d get to experience on the road as a professional athlete, eager to report back to his college buddies what great partying he’s up to! Instead, he was left “staring into the dark”, wide awake after Scotty’s draconian old-man curfew, because he couldn’t fall asleep and didn’t know what else to do. We started to feel a little less sorry for Paulie when, halfway through the answer, he suddenly declares it wasn’t a 9 p.m. lights-out, but 8 p.m.. We’re pretty sure the editor of the Devils website has the original copy of this that concludes with Paulie saying, “It was a 5 p.m. lights out. If I wasn’t in my bed at 5 p.m., even on game days, I was locked out of my room. And not given anything but gruel and stale bread for dinner. And I was forced to pick up lots of dead turkeys. Lots of ‘em! It was awful!”

– We were surprised at the question asking, “Have you been to any amusement parks this summer? Are there any rides that you absolutely won’t go on, or are you fearless?” Joe from Stockton, NJ, that is an awesome question. That’s like “Can you swim?” but less out-of-the-blue, assuming Paulie is a noted amusement park enthusiast, of course. Which we didn’t know he was. In fact, we had this exchange about it:

Schnookie: I didn’t know Paulie was into amusement parks, but I guess he must be, since he answered the question.

Pookie: It does seem like an unusual question to ask a stranger. [Suddenly growing increasingly panicky] I know what would happen if someone asked me that. [Shouting] I’d answer, “NO!”

Schnookie: I’m going to post that on IPB.

Pookie: [Pertly] Well, it’s the truth.

– When asked about the offseason changes the team made, Paulie is predictably pro-Rolston and Holik. Then he adds, “I’m a big fan of Rollie”. No, it’s hardly Mike Rupp saying, “It’s good to have interchangeable parts”, but we’re still taking that as a shout-out. Or at least, a shout-out to our cat Rollie. Who knew Paulie liked our pets so much?

– Riley from Red Bank asks Paulie about how he and Johnny Oduya worked so well together (Riley’s phrasing was artfully delicate: “Your pairing with Johnny Oduya turned out to be one of the highlights of last season.” That’s a deft touch, Riley! We probably would have said, “Okay, really the only good thing we can think of about last season is how surprisingly competent you and Oduya ended up being by the end of the year”), and Paulie says in his answer, “He’s as good a guy off the ice as he is on”. That’s awful! That means poor Oduya was a raging loser off the ice, too, for the entire first half of last season! Poor guy.

– When Paulie says he loves burritos, does this mean he wants to go on an IPB picnic to Pookie’s absolutely favoritest restaurant on Earth, the one and only Burritoville, this season? We’re pretty sure it does. We mean, how could it not? Don’t answer that.

– In unrelated news, while on the Devils site, we took a gander at “Catching Up With… Kevin Weekes” and were pleasantly surprised (yup, it was all Asham-like). First up, Weeksie answers the question we’re always asking — “I don’t even swim!” Shout-out! Shout-out! Shout-out! Thanks, Kevin! One down, 29 to go! Secondly, in discussing the charity work that filled his summer activities, he actually used the phrase “bridging the digital divide”. Dude. Just… dude. Kevin Weekes might just be the hottest guy the Devils roster has ever seen. Sure, some of those other guys are foxy, but ten bucks says if asked, Zach Parise would probably tell you the digital divide is a thing of the past. We know better, and evidently, so does Kevin Weekes.

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