In his recap of the Devils’ latest pre-season game, Tom Gulitti included this quote from Zach Parise: “I’m not making excuses but the ice was bad and we were chasing the puck all over.” This got us thinking that Zach might want to have a stock of these “I’m not making excuses but” excuses before the season starts. So we present to you, ZachLibs: The Excuse That Isn’t An Excuse Because Zach Says So.
I’m not making excuses but… the humidity at ice level was fogging up my monocle, and the equipment trainers weren’t handing me towels quickly enough for me to wipe them off.
I’m not making excuses but… my teammates don’t like me enough to help me score goals.
I’m not making excuses but… I think there was a pea under my mattress in the hotel room last night.
I’m not making excuses but… I shouldn’t have skipped the pre-game meal of pasta and chicken in favor of $50 worth of post-Christmas-sale gumdrops.
I’m not making excuses but… it was terribly unclear which goal we were shooting at in each period.
I’m not making excuses but… do I know you?
I’m not making excuses but… the Zach Parise memorabilia market is very hot right now, and if I play too hard, I might end up breaking sticks that could otherwise earn me a fortune as game-used equipment resales. I’ve already signed them all, and I just don’t want to damage their condition.
I’m not making excuses but… the other team’s defensemen and goalie seemed determined to not let me score and I felt it only polite to comply.
I’m not making excuses but… I’m doing perfectly fine. I might not have scored in 15 games, but I’m still doing well. I’m very happy with how I’m playing. I don’t think there’s anything more that I could be doing. I’M PLAYING WELL! I SWEAR I AM! PLEASE TELL ME I’M DOING WELL! PLEASE TELL ME I’M GOOD ENOUGH!
I’m not making excuses but… I wrote to ask the popular advice column “Dear Crunchy” to inquire into the proper care of precious plastic star trophies, and the response — according to Dear Crunchy, I’m too fat for trophies; harumph! — was so disheartening, I no longer wish to play well.