The hockey season is a month old already, which means that it’s time for us to hunker down and start paying attention, to real-life hockey and, more importantly, to the Amazing and SuperLeagues . Last year we were both in the same league, which meant we couldn’t offer fair and balanced reporting about the state of IPB fantasy hockey, but fortune smiled upon us this year and split us up. And so, as a service to our participating members, we’re hoping to provide reasonably regular updates on all the trash talk, muscle-flexing, kick-assedness, and awesomness for everyone to be able to enjoy the entirety of the A/S-Leagues.
A Letter From The AmazingLeague, by Schnookie:
I don’t know what’s going on in the Junior Circuit over there, but the AmazingLeague is truly living up to its name, in that it’s a league and is amazing. Myra’s Ice Trolls got out to a fast start, but they’ve hardly opened up much daylight between themselves and the rest of the pack, what with Nat’s Ninja Wombats nipping at their heels just two points back. Iain’s Iainstigators may have made pre-season promises to parade the AmazingLeague Cup around their hometown of East Lothian , but as they’re holding weakly in third, a good eight points off first place, I can only assume they’re the last ones to realize that they’re just marking time before being bought up by some big-money Hollywood hockey fan and relocated to Vegas. (Note to big-money Hollywood hockey fans: the AmazingLeague has comparably modest expansion and relocation fees. Call me.) Tied with the Iainstigators, but much more dashingly so, are my own Tintin Tattoos. We may have started a little slow, and only last week eked out a narrow win over a certain bedbug-infested group, but we’re in fourth place with a bullet. We’re facing the Wombats this week and are looking for a romp, and then we’ve got the Ice Trolls next week. Look for the leaderboard to see a lot of changes in the next fortnight.
Down in the “sucky loser” (read: “behind the TinTats in the standings”) section of the standings, Frisby’s Soldering Iron Boars might think that being only two points back of the TinTats means they have a fighting chance. They’re wrong. Meg’s Mutinous Peons are 11 points out of first, but they have bedbugs and that is so disgusting. I’m thinking Commissioner andrew should step in and quarantine them or something, because I played them last week and my skin’s still crawling. And speaking of the Commish, his Wikid Bitchin Kazoos are hardly magicians out there on the ice, so that’s why he has to call them Kazoos, and that’s also why they’re 14 points out of first. Sam’s Into The Boards are tied with the Wikid Bitchin Kazoos, and that’s even after beating the TinTats 6-4 in the first week. Pfft. I’m not scared of them. Um, anymore.
Bringing up the rear in the standings, we’ve got Josh’s El Pointy Toasters, who are a whopping 16 points out of first, Caitlin’s Meat Pies 17 points off pace, alix’s Wheaty Bitches 21 points behind, and finally Amy’s Little Honkers cellar dwelling 23 points away from the Trolls. Perhaps the only consolation for those sad, sad teams is that they don’t have to play the TinTats for a few more weeks.
I’d report on the hot trash-talk action going on in the AmazingLeague, but we’ve been a very quiet, docile group so far. Perhaps this missive can stand as the opening salvo in a war of words. Or maybe you’re all just chicken.
A Letter From The SuperLeague, by Pookie:
The SuperLeague is kicking sand all over the AmazingLeague, thanks to its All-Star line-Up of awesome teams, its All-Star line-up of awesome avatars, and its All-Star line-up of awesome managers, only one of whom who has picked up the wrong conference player (Mike. Quick! Everyone point and laugh! Just kidding, Mike. We love you. But… We can’t promise that Giant Victory Euro Mats isn’t going to come stomp, stomp, stomping up North.). As it stands after 3 weeks, Gambler’s Look At Those Hobos have everyone looking for hobos with their whopping 41 points, 18 points ahead of the SuperLeague basement dweller, Patty’s Paddleball Gamers. Chaz’s Les Phoque-Ups, Commish andrew’s Puppydogs & Ice Cream, and Heather’s Five & Dime are all within two points of hoisting 1st place hobo bindles of their own, though, so Gambler better take notice. Everyone better take notice of the BoxPanners, who are playing possum in 7th place (and who would also like to give a shout-out to the fearless commish for giving us all 2 IR spots; the BoxPanner infirmary has been busy with at least four different players spending time on injured reserve) after laying a 6-2 beat-down on the Invinnycibles 2.0; guess they need to be 3.0 or higher to beat the mighty BoxPanners! In other league news, Greg’s Pronger Worshippers appear to be having some goalie issues, as evidenced by the latest smack talk: “Roberto, you’re supposed to be an elite goalie, remember?” It seems smack talking one’s own players is a SuperLeague staple as Mike of Mike’s Monkeys bemoans, “Pizza line isn’t delivering!” It also seems smack talking one’s own players is effective, as those two teams are solidly in playoff positioning right now, 6 or fewer points back from first. Of course, manager Mags tries a similar technique, announcing in her smack talk zone that all her players are fired, but that doesn’t seem to have the same motivational power, as The Thehatrics are under .500. Meanwhile Sherry’s learning a hard lesson in “you win some, you lose some” as the Victory Euro Remix features Washington Caps star Ovechkin and Washington Caps disaster Jose Theodore. And last but not least, 3 points out of last place are Katebits Fancybits, who are pretty much as ferocious as their avatar.
[A quick note to all participants new to Yahoo Fantasy Hockey -- if you've gotten used to seeing your players' stats updating in real time, you're in a for a bit of a rude awakening tonight. That Stat Tracker feature was a free preview up until yesterday; from now on you'll only get real-time updates if you shell out $9.99 for the remainder of the season. Just a heads up from your Amazing/SuperLeague custodians!]