Devils vs. Sharks, 02/15/09

3:03 PM As much as we’re pleased that Shanahan is out of the line-up, it really does make us wonder about the effectiveness of shot-blocking. Is keeping Clemmer from facing four more shots from the blue line in one game worth taking yourself out of the entire next game?

FIRST PERIOD

3:06 PM What???? No Paulie???? NOOOOOOOOO! This game sucks.

3:10 PM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Before we even really have a chance to settle in and start paying attention, it’s 1-0 Devils. On the replay, Chico goes out of his way to tell us the goal wasn’t Claude Lemieux’s fault. Chico, guess who we don’t care about? Yeah, Claude Lemieux.

3:15 PM The shutout streak is over (probably as a result of the Hockey Gods snorting in disbelief at Pierre McGuire asking Doc during the earlier NBC game, “Do you think Marty’s going to get his job back?”), as Rob Blake (surely he died in Vegas) beats Clemmer on a long, stoppable, very-reminiscent-of-the-2001-SCF shot. 1-1 game.

3:21 PM WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Gio, Rolston, and Maddog get a nice little cycle going that ends with Rolston tapping one right through Nabokov’s five hole. This is not, we don’t think, what either team had drawn up for this game. 2-1 Devils.

3:23 PM Clearly Paulie is the straw the stirs the drink. The Pauile-less d-corps can’t handle Marleau who camps out, undefended, at the side of the goal to knock an easy PP goal behind Clemmer. That’d be 2-2.

3:29 PM Chico chuckles that the talking points for these two teams is usually the strong defense but sometimes the storylines change. Good thing NBC’s not broadcasting this one. Pierre’s head would explode. On second thought…

3:29 PM What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here??? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Clarkson, of recent “why is that guy still playing for us?” fame, gets the puck up high while Madden drives the net (?!? We know! Shocking!), then does a little Clarkaround/Clarknado combo move that involves building up a head of steam by skating a couple of circles around the puck, then spinning and firing it low into the corner of the net. It’s 3-2 Devils, and we’re not entirely sure Nabokov has realized yet that there’s a hockey game going on in front of him.

3:40 PM Chico tells us that he doesn’t see the craziness of this game disappearing at all as it goes on. We beg to differ. There’s an intermission coming up, during which both of these coaches are probably going to throw a clot. We eagerly anticipate the final two periods being a shut-down D-stravaganza.

FIRST INTERMISSION

That feature about the sculpture moving in at The Rawk is the coolest thing we’ve ever seen.

SECOND PERIOD

4:05 PM The Devils are in the midst of not scoring on a PP, and Schnookie suddenly shouts, “Oh my god. I have just had the most HORRIBLE thought. Obviously, Marty’s not going be the Devils’ MVP this season. If Clemmer wins it instead of Zach, I am going to kill somebody.” Pookie, calmly: “That won’t happen.” Pause. “Zach would burn down The Rawk if that happened.”

4:10 PM The Iron Boar skewers Travis’s eye with his stick blade. This game just got way less fun.

4:16 PM The team fund just got richer as Rolston wins the $1,000 Shanny had on the board for the first guy to take a stupid penalty that negated a PP. Zubrus shakes his head on the bench, because that slash was totally committed by him, but the officials tagged Rolston for it, probably because they looked at all the Devils on the ice and figured him as the guy most likely to do something stupid like that.

4:24 PM Langer takes a high stick in front of the Sharks net, and the Devils go back on the PP. Chico points out that, in Travis’s absence, the Poppers are being centered by Holik, and the line is staying out for the start of the power play. Boomer: “Well, that means the power play will be negated before too long.”

4:32 PM The Sharks get a great scoring chance, and Clemmer manages to make a groin-exploding post-to-post save that goes to review. It’s the old “the puck is probably in the net, but the goalie’s pads are over it” situation that always goes against the Devils, whether it’s Zubrus losing a goal on the play or the Ducks getting one, and for the first time that we can remember, the call goes the Devils way.

4:34 PM Far be it from the Devils to take advantage of a good break. Buoyed by the non-goal call, the Gio/Patty/Zubrus line puts together a good rush that ends catastrophically with Zubrus skating himself out of a scoring chance, and then Cheechoo ties the game at 3 heading up the other way and firing a mid-range shot that Andy Greene decides needs to be assisted with a little deflection action on its way toward the goal.

4:40 PM The Devils’ good luck is gone now, as they get called for back-to-back iffy penalties to go down two men. And with 12 seconds left in the period, Setoguchi makes it 4-3 Sharks. We start a “BULLSHIT!” chant in the living room of stately IPB Manor.

SECOND INTERMISSION

Dano spends this intermission frothing at the mouth about what a dumb waste of time the video review was of the non-goal by the Sharks, because in his opinion, the puck was kicked in in the first place and shouldn’t have counted anyway. Pookie: “And so begins Dano’s descent into Stan-dom.”

THIRD PERIOD

4:59 PM Chico Eats features Chico making cotton candy (or candy floss, to our Canadian friends). The only thing the segment was missing was Kevin Weeke’s porno music as Chico’s narration mentioned how the girl in the cotton candy booth was “good with her hands”, and “he didn’t know when to pull it out” but when he did “the shaft broke”. We wish we were making this up. That never happens when Gracie Sutter guest stars.

4:07 PM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Sharks start off the third period in predictable “make-up” penalty trouble, and Zach is right on the doorstep on a 5-on-3 to motor his way to a bunch of rebounds and finally tap a pass from behind the goal line to Patty, who is waiting in the crease. Patty makes it a 4-4 game.

4:13 PM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On another PP (this one off a ticky-tacky hooking penalty by Setoguchi), Zach fires a huge shot from above the faceoff dots that Nabokov doesn’t handle well, and with the Sharks PKers being a bit unattentive, Langer streaks down the slot and fires the big rebound home. It’s 5-4 Devils, and Boomer cracks, “The officials just skated by the Devils bench and said, ‘Happy now?’”

4:20 PM Zubrus is carrying the puck in the neutral zone on the PP, and turns it over. Pavelski then carries into the zone against Rolston, and just as Schnookie is darkly muttering “Zubrus is not having a game to remember,” Clemmer gives Pavelski a huge hole between his arm and the goalpost on the short side, and it’s a 5-5 game.

4:30 PM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Let us present “The Devils’ Sixth Goal: A Play In One Act”:

[The Devils pass the puck around the perimeter, and Rolston gets the puck up high but opts not to shoot and continues the passing.]

Schnookie: “God, Rolston, we pay you $5 million a year for your slapshot! What are you doing passing there?!?”

[Rolston gets the puck back and cranks an enormous slapshot that gets tipped by Clarkson through Nabokov and trickles into the net. 6-5 Devils.]

Finis.

4:36 PM The final three minutes are just insanely fantastic. The Devils on the PK, the Sharks with the extra attacker, the crowd in full roar… Let’s just say that we both suddenly found ourselves in that “You know what’s awesome? Playoff hockey is awesome” state of mind. The frenzied seconds finally tick away on a 6-5 Devils win, and life is just sublimely good.

Read Full Post »

Devils vs. Bruins, 02/13/09

It’s a perfect Friday evening at stately IPB Manor, Gentle Reader – we’re having beer and artisanal cheese for dinner, we’ve got the Devils playing the Bruins on TV, we’re staring down the barrel of a holiday weekend… The only problem is that we made went into NYC today for a hectic tour of the Greek Wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art while waiting on processing for business visas for some people in Schnookie’s office. So we’re exhausted. We are not as young as we used to be. We’re going to try to keep up with the game diarizing thing, but we make no promises. “Foot-weary after a day in the City” + “huge plate of cheese and bread” + “lots of beer” = sleepy Ookies.

Oh, and it needs to be mentioned, we go into the City for one day and we come back to find out that Chico’s been nominated for an Emmy???? What’s going on here? We adore Chico, but unless they have a category for charming rambling inanity, or kind-hearted shallow-thinking sports analysis, we’re not entirely sure what they’re thinking.

FIRST PERIOD

18:54 We start the game off with a Clemmer-riffic bang, where the D pairing decides not to pay much attention to a slow-moving puck in the far corner, so a mildly-forechecking Bruin kind of whiffs it toward the net, and Clemmer decides that he’s going to play it to a defender, but he either doesn’t communicate his intentions to them or they’re not listening, so what should have been a total non-event of a play turns into a great scoring chance for the Bruins.

17:04 The Devils get a succession of good chances, and then the big, slow, dumb fourth line takes the ice as Doc tells us Sutter’s line-matching. We sigh with disgust. We thought Pando lost his job because Sutter wasn’t doing that anymore.

16:07 Pookie: “If we lose tonight, I’m going to say we lost to the best team in the East. If we win, I’m just going to say that Boston clearly isn’t that good.”

15:42 Clarkson takes a page out of the Bruins’ book from the last meeting between these teams, and when Chara holds him up behind the Boston net, Clarkson goes down like a sack of potatoes. He draws the penalty in what is perhaps the first successful dive by a Devil all year, and it leaves a strangely bitter taste in everyone’s mouths, not least Doc’s and Chico’s. Sure, we all complain that the Devils don’t draw enough penalties because they never embellish, but as soon as they actually do it, we all kind of what our old “win with honor” team back.

13:42 If there is a lesson to be learned from that power play, it’s that more often than not, hockey justice prevails. (Although, to be fair, Chara was holding Clarkson. There just should have been an even-up call.)

9:54 It appears the Devils refuse to try to score on anything other than a cross-crease pass from deep in the corner. It would help in finishing that play if there was someone on the other side of the crease to receive the passes, but it looks like the Devils are honing their skills at making the pass before moving up to Step Two of the process.

8:57 After the teams swap icings and mill about for a while, the Devils D decides to see what would happen if they stop paying attention to what’s going on. Clemmensen scrambling is what happens. Pookie: “I’m not feeling very good about our chances tonight.”

6:15 The Devils weather a few more shifts of relentless (but still contained) pressure in their own zone, then, when they finally get the puck into the other end, Savard trips Paulie on the near boards. Now there’s a penalty with honor. Savard and Paulie jaw at each other a little bit, and Pookie declares she is going to heartily boo Savard every time he takes the ice from now on. Considering she still boos Marc Staal for injuring Paulie last year, Savard better believe her.

4:22 The PP sucks. Pookie: “I’m sensing a 0-0 final.” Schnookie and Boomer, in stunned unison: “You really think Clemmensen can shut out the Bruins.” Pookie: “Um… after the first. Let me finish my thought.”

3:20 Why is Clarkson still in the lineup?

0:50 Well, we know why Zach and Langer are in the lineup – MSG+ gives us a graphic informing us that there are only two games in the last 15 where neither of those guys scored. Um, not that the Devils are slowly returning to being a one-line team, though. *Pointed glare at the slumping secondary scorers*

0:00 This was not one of the world’s most exciting periods. We’ll chalk it up to being a feeling-out period, and adjust our expectations for run-and-gun awesomeness in the next two frames.

FIRST INTERMISSION

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MARTY!!!! MARTY!!!! MARTY!!!!!

SECOND PERIOD

We come back from intermission to see Chuck the Duck standing outside The Rawk holding a heart-shaped box of chocolates and wearing a pinstriped three-piece suit. Chico: “Chuck is wearing those pinstripes because they make him look taller.” Okay, he totally deserves an Emmy.

17:40 It’s probably fair to say that Clemmer has been completely hung out to dry on this shift. Just further feeding his Plankton ambitions, we’re sure.

17:09 Patty hooks Chara in the offensive zone. Chara goes down like Clarkson. Because life is inherently fair, Patty gets the only penalty on the play. Meanwhile, Pookie is floating a theory that the team plays better after MSG+ shows us Chuck the Duck: “He’s the straw that stirs the drink.” Schnookie: “No one’s stirring much of anything yet in this one.” Pookie: “Right now all the guys are just standing around a Capri Sun, listlessly poking at the straw.”

16:01 Langer chips the puck out of the defensive zone to send Travis down the wing shorthanded, and Travis, with Chara defending him, totally fakes the Bruins into thinking he doesn’t see Paulie joining him on a wide-spread two-on-one, then laces a lovely, soft pass to spring Paulie on a mini-break. Paulie, as we all know, has no finish. But we swoon anyway.

11:03 Hm. We’ve not been paying very close attention the last few minutes. In case you’re reading this to know what actually happened, no one scored.

10:12 Schnookie really hopes she just misheard Chico – the Devils have a whopping NINE shots so far in this game. Gotta love when you play in a measuring-stick type of game and measure up very poorly.

9:02 WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA????? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Pookie has had a terrible case of the hiccups for the last few minutes, and declared just moments ago, “I need the Devils to score here, to startle my hiccups out of me.” Madden wins an offensive-zone draw completely cleanly, passes back to the Iron Boar at the high point, and the Iron Boar just whips a long shot through Thomas. Pookie: “Consider me shocked!” And, no joke – her hiccups are gone.

3:04 Holy crap. Clemmer is clearly feeling the heat from Marty, and is totally saving the Devils’ bacon tonight. After breakdown after breakdown in the defensive zone, Clemmer coughs a huge, juicy rebound up the crease, and then makes a crazy, miracle save on the kicked-in shot from the onrushing Bruin.

0:00 That period was WAY cooler than the first!

SECOND INTERMISSION

Dano shows off a valentine he got from a six-year-old. Have we mentioned lately that we love Devils games on TV?

THIRD PERIOD

We start the period off with “Chico Eats!” and in this episode, Chico enjoys some meatloaf from the concourse at The Rawk. In the feature, he demonstrates how you can take the meatloaf to your seats, and, in so doing, takes someone else’s seat and has to be ragged further down the row. Well played, “Chico Eats!”, well played.

16:12 We have settled into a quiet contemplation of the game, which is now in its “desperate chess match” phase. We are jolted out of our stupors briefly thanks to an amazing diving backchecking play by Oduya to shut down a breakaway.

15:28 It seems Shanahan’s not into the idea of playing intelligent defensive hockey with a 1-0 third period lead, as he takes a penalty for a dumb clearing attempt that goes over the glass behind the benches.

14:11 Travis dogs a Bruin in the Boston zone while killing the penalty, and Pookie says softly, as the chase plays out, “Travis is hunting the most dangerous game.”

11:23 Uh oh. MSG+ gives us a graphic telling us how long it’s been since Clemmer’s given up a goal. If the Bruins can’t score now that MSG+ is playing the mojo like that, they’re stupid.

7:47 This is some good, old-fashioned, super-fun defense-first hockey. It feels like old times. And doesn’t lend itself well to commentary.

4:58 Patty is so fired. Shanny actually has a good block of a shot attempt from the Bruins point, then carries the puck up the wing and opts to go for the criss-cross play with Patty rather than going to the net. And Patty partially fans on his shot, then meanders lamely off out of the play. Sigh.

2:36 We discuss what, exactly, has been the defining characteristic of this game to date, and we conclude that the best description of it would probably be “cerebral”. If you like your hockey brainy, this was the game for you.

0:47 Okay, here’s trouble – the Bruins have pulled Thomas.

0:00 HOLY CRAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the hell???? Clemmer with back-to-back shutouts? Dogs and cats living together! We may have been underselling this game at the outset, but now that it’s a 1-0 win, we’re going to say that the Bruins really are that good. Heh.

Read Full Post »

A Tale Of Two Devils

We have recently had a pair of brilliant realizations about the true characters of two of this season’s most newsworthy players. The first player is Scott Clemmensen. You probably recall us claiming Clemmer was going to be Roger Moore to Marty’s Sean Connery, where he’d start off okay and then ultimately tail off into Moonraker-esque sucktitude. Well, we were wrong about that. Clemmer’s more nefarious than that. Of course, he’s hardly a brilliant evil mastermind like Moonraker‘s Hugo Drax — nope, instead, Scott Clemmensen is our Plankton. Just as ambitious a self-declared evil genius as Drax, but completely lacking in any kind of self-awareness. We are eagerly awaiting the moment when he opens the Chum Bucket (or Clem Bucket, as the case may be) right across from Marty’s stall, starts monologueing about how he’s going to run Marty out of business and get the secret recipe for Krabby Patties (or honeyed dormice, as the case may be), and just as he’s reaching his full criminal mastermind crescendo, Marty will walk by and completely obliviously step on him.

The other realization we’ve had regards Zach. The thing about Zach is that… well… it just Zach. We love him beyond measure, he’s been a clear-cut candidate for “greatest Devils forward of all time” since pretty much his rookie year, and in the playoffs two years ago against Tampa he basically declared to Devils fans everywhere that there is no ceiling on what we can expect from him. But he’s not big, he’s not (contrary to some reports) fast, he isn’t flashy or flamboyant or showy or whatever; his game pretty much starts with hard work, builds on more hard work, works a bit harder, has a heaping dose of talent and skill, and then mixes in a whole lot more hard work. It’s all about the motor with Zach, so much so that we tend to lose sight of exactly how good he is. So we’ve kind of been chortling at the way observers outside Devils circles have been calling him a “superstar”. We mean, superstar? ZACH??? Well, guess what, Gentle Reader. Those people are right. We watched last night’s game against the Islanders in a state of minor spoilage — we knew he had two assists in the match. So imagine our surprise when it turned out he also had two goals. The thing is, though, that it made perfect sense, because that’s just how a superstar rolls. For the last few years we’ve tried to temper how much we gush about him because it’s hard not to think, “How good can he be? He’s a Devil, after all.” Last night we finally freed ourselves from that thinking.

So that’s where we stand today: Zach’s a superstar and Clemmer’s Plankton. It’s this kind of brilliant insight that makes us such great hockey pundits.

(It should be noted that we wrote this post while watching the Flyers-Senators game. At one point on the Sens feed, the announcers started discussing the recent switch-up of starters in net for Philly, and they put up a graphics screen of previous Number 1 goalies in the Flyers organization over the last few seasons. The list was: Garth Snow [1995-96], John Vanbiesbrouck [1996-99], Brian Boucher [1999-00] [He's our favorite], Roman Cechmanek [2000-01], Robert Esche [2002-03], Jeff Hackett [2003-04], Antero Niittymaki [2003-03], Martin Biron [2006-07]. As soon as it appeared on screen, Pookie sighed happily, “Look at all those old friends.” Heh.)

Read Full Post »

Devils vs. Islanders, 2/11/09

It’s Wednesday night, Gentle Reader, so you know what that means: Tivo delay! We’ll be watching Pando’s sure-to-be-triumphant return to the lineup much later this evening, so in the meantime, we’ll leave you with a portrait of Victory Euro Mats.

V.E. Mats loves Pando. Look how happy he is! We’re assuming he’ll be just as happy when the game is over.

Read Full Post »

The NHL, Steroids, And Common Sense.

Today the inestimable Puck Daddy had a post wondering how the NHL fan would react to an A-Rod-style steroid revelation in hockey. In the post, Wyshynski quoted an email from one of his readers:

Baseball’s biggest stars in recent memory:

A-Rod – admitted to taking steroids.
Barry Bonds – admitted to taking the clear. Let’s be honest, he took steroids.
Roger Clemens – Liar, steroid user.
Mark McGwire – Admitted to taking Andro..and that’s just to start.
Slammin Sammy Sosa – Let’s be real. He juiced.

Hockey’s biggest stars in recent memory:

Wayne Gretzky – his wife gambled, he runs a hockey team, wins Canada a gold medal.
Mario Lemieux – he overcame cancer.
Sidney Crosby – no juice.
Alex Ovechkin – no juice

(And hockey players are tested as part of international play commitments) The truth shall set you free!

As with every situation where hockey fans pat themselves on the back for how comparatively squeaky-clean our sport is in relation to the other major pro leagues, this proclamation gives us pause. No, of course Sid and Ovie haven’t tested positive for steroids, but you know what? Neither had McGwire and Sosa until they were declared dopers. Neither had Barry Bonds. Neither had Roger Clemens. And as recently as last year we heard from all kinds of MLB pundits about how the league couldn’t wait until A-Rod passed Bonds as the all-time home run king, just so they could have a clean player to lionize. Whoops.

It never ceases to amaze us when there is a new steroid “scandal” in any sport, how sportswriters and fans line up to clutch their pearls and act stunned. But how many years has this been going on now? In how many sports? Hockey fans like to say that their sport is such that performance can’t be improved by steroids, but that’s ridiculous — if every single other sport, from sprinting to bicycling to football to tennis to whatever, is improved by illegal performance enhancers, why on Earth wouldn’t hockey be the same? Why on Earth would we think that Sean Hill is the only hockey player who’s doped?

Here’s the thing: we keep hearing about how Sid Crosby has the most thickly-muscled thighs ever seen in the NHL. We see pictures of Alex Ovechkin in his underarmour, looking like he walked out of the pages of an X-Men comic. We hear, every year, the stories about guys who show up at camp with 15-20 new pounds of muscle. We’re not saying we think there’s any proof those guys are doping. But we’re not saying we’re ever going to be surprised to find out any of them are.

Read Full Post »

Devils vs. Rangers, 2/9/09

7:04 PM You know what we don’t care about? This might surprise you, Gentle Reader, but what we don’t care about is “Brendan Shanahan facing off against his former team”. (Wait, we’re playing the Blues tonight? The Whalers? The Wings? Oh, right. The Rangers. He played with them, too, didn’t he?) Now, we don’t fancy ourselves anything more than just fans (which is why we have no interest in ever being credentialed), so we don’t feel at all idiotic when we say we’ve finally figured out why Shanny’s presence on the Devils roster is pissing us off so much: we feel like the Devils are to Shanny as community college is to an unmotivated-but-bright high school graduate. That high school graduate doesn’t have a lot of appealing options right off the bat, so he unhappily drags himself to community college classes until his emotional and social maturity catch up with his intelligence, at which point he transfers to a much better four-year program, then gets a graduate degree from an Ivy. Later in life, looking back at his accomplishments, that student will never talk up his community college years, but they were necessary at the time because he had no other choice. Likewise, when the book is finally shut on Shanahan’s career, his late-in-life return to New Jersey will just be a spot where he was able to keep afloat as a professional hockey player. Sure, that might not actually be the case, but that’s how we feel about it, and nothing he says or does will change it. We feel used and unloved, and Pando never acted like that. So there. Hmph.

FIRST PERIOD

7:11 PM Clemmer goes to handle the puck behind the net with the Devils on the PK and nothing bad happens. That doesn’t stop us from screaming, “GOD! Marty can’t come back soon enough!” Just as the negativity is about to completely overwhelm all of stately IPB Manor, Paulie draws a hooking penalty while killing time drifting into the Rangers zone. Thanks, Paulie. That feels better.

7:13 PM If Doc is required by Versus and NBC to call the trap “a 1-2-2 defensive scheme” one more time about “sexy” teams that don’t play sexily anymore (see: Penguins, Rangers, anyone whose name doesn’t rhyme with “Blevils”), we’re going to scream. We’ve been seeing a lot of commercials for Invent Help, and Pookie wants to invent a device that will make everyone’s televisions say loudly over “1-2-2 defensive scheme” “TRAP!”

7:15 PM Pookie: “I suspect Shanahan’s entire motivation in this game is to impress the Rangers so they’ll sign him again. He’s like, ‘Oh my god! There are Rangers scouts in the building! I better play well!’”

7:20 PM Versus finally gives us a replay of a penalty to show us Zach running over The Prawn, and we are saving that highlight for the next time Rangers fans accuse Marty of being a flopper.

7:23 PM Doc is talking up Shanahan’s proclivity for leaving his feet to block shots. He clearly doesn’t read IPB, or, if he does, isn’t trying very hard to sell us on Shanny. Honestly, we get Pando taken out of the lineup for a penalty killer who eagerly topples over at every opportunity in our single least favorite play in hockey? Fan-fucking-tastic.

7:28 PM Schnookie declares her concern for the outcome of this game, as the Rangers are getting the better of play in what is traditionally the Devils’ best period. “If we’re getting outplayed in the first, this isn’t going to go well.” Just then, the Devils put on a great bit of pressure during which Madden gets fired for not being able to put the puck into an open net. Because the Devils are nothing if not contrary.

7:35 PM Eddie floats the notion that when Marty comes back, he’s going to have to sit periodically to keep Clemmer in the lineup, especially if his first game back is the start of a back-to-back situation. Boomer cracks up. “Eddie,” she cackles, “When was the last time you coached Marty Brodeur and told him to take a seat?”

7:38 PM We get a teaser for the intermission show, and the studio host guy tells us we are not going to want to miss Paul Kelly talking about the role of fighting in the game. Pookie: “I’d rather hear Paul Kelly talk about the Lindros firing.” Schnookie, miming holding a clipboard and pen: “Before we get to your salary review, NHLPA employee, one question – Paul Kelly. Great NHLPA head or greatest NHLPA head?”

7:40 PM Clarkson and Reitz (really? There’s a Ranger named Reitz? And he’s serving as Mara’s bodyguard?) fight. Yawn.

When it ends, Pookie says, “Well, I’ll give Clarkson this – he has a good sense of balance.” (Doc points out ominously several times over the course of the fight and afterwards, that both guys took off their helmets, and Eddie goes on a rant about how fighters should leave their helmets on, but “if you play that role [of fighter], you shouldn’t be allowed to wear a visor.” Schnookie: “Eddie, that is asinine.”)

7:45 PM The big, slow, dumb fourth line gets a shift, and big, slow, dumb Rupper takes an interference penalty, which is something like the 700th penalty by the Devils this period. It might be time for Sutter to take a page out of the Larry handbook and throw a garbage can at the head of the next guy to take a penalty, then staple his sorry ass permanently to the bench for the rest of the night.

SECOND PERIOD

8:07 PM The period starts the way all second periods in Newark do – with missed chances by the Devils, and glorious opportunities for the opposition. After Zherdev rings a shot loudly off the goalpost, Schnookie crankily says, “I’m calling this period ends with the Rangers up at least 3-0.”

8:10 PM Rupp and Orr fight.

After the Clarkson/Reitz fight in the first, Eddie gave the old “all the fans are on their feet, so it must have been entertaining” line that drives us so batty when it’s used to justify the shootout. As we watch the current combatants go to the box, Pookie speaks for all of us when she says, “I don’t think I’ve ever stood for a fight.”

8:12 PM Look, the Devils’ inability to get penalties called on the opposition is starting to drive us completely bonkers. Gomez infracts badly enough in the Rangers zone that Eddie starts shouting about how he’s gotten away with a couple of hooks, and then at the other end of the ice, Zubrus gets called for boarding. Sigh. Gomez does go after Zubrus to take a retaliation penalty, though. So it all evens out in the end?

8:15 PM We sit in stunned silence as Clemmer gloves a high shot with a box of Devils standing all around him, then, when it seems he is going to hold on for a whistle, he instead drops the puck into his unaware d-man’s feet to turn a nothing play into a turnover deep in the Devils zone. The seethe-o-meter in our living room is rocketing off the charts.

8:17 PM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Patty gets an assist! Yeah, Holik gets a goal and Shanny gets the other assist, so we have to cling to what we can here. Keep our eyes on the prize: it’s 1-0 Devils (that’s AWESOME!), there was some laughably awful defense by the Blueshirts on that play (that’s DELICIOUS!), and we only hate two of the guys involved in the scoring (that’s MAKING OUR LIVES DIFFICULT!). (Are we cutting off our noses to spite our faces here? Probably, but go back to the opening thought of this post – we don’t claim to be rational. We’re fans. We follow our hearts. Heh.)

8:22 PM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s one we can really cheer for! Travis and Zach team up for some great work in front on the PP, and Zach is able to punch the puck into the net, and it’s 2-0 Devils. Renney tries to pull a Mt. St. Sutter slow-burn eruption on the Rangers bench, but he just doesn’t have quite as lethal a glower.

8:29 PM Versus informs us the shootout is the brainchild of the famous Shanahan Coffee Klatch That Saved Hockey. Why don’t you just kick our dog while you’re here, Shanny?

8:31 PM Zach falls over when Gomez skates near him, and the officials, taking mercy on us, call it tripping. On Gomez. We’ll stop complaining now about the penalties.

8:37 PM Versus is trying to horn its way into PaulieMartinNation, as the entire broadcast grinds to a halt so we can all revel in the mad b-ball skillz that allowed Paulie to keep the puck on the PP that led to Zach’s goal. We’re not complaining about that, either, but we’re not granting Versus citizenship. Maybe, like, a 12-month visa, and we can see how things go.

7:41 PM The lights go half out at The Rawk, but for some reason the officials are not willing to take Zach up on his offer of lighting up the arena just with his smile for the remaining two minutes of the period. DING!

THIRD PERIOD

9:05 PM Rupp gets a mini-break. He doesn’t score. We’re stunned. (Actually, he surprises us a little by beating The Prawn, but he rings the shot off the crossbar.)

9:10 PM We feel a glimmer of sympathy for Rangers fans as Doc and Eddie are spending the better part of this period so far trying to figure out why Renney isn’t sticking with the line shake-ups he tried earlier in the game. We’ve been there. It’s not fun. Of course, it is the Rangers, and this means Rangers fans are miserable, so we’re not, like, sorry for them. Just sympathetic. While also laughing with maniacal glee.

9:16 PM Ah, so the Devils are going to take the second part last tonight. If they are counting on Clemmer holding the fort in the final frame here, they should take a long, hard look at how well he’s held shutouts in third periods so far this season.

9:20 PM The Devils are on the PK, and while watching the play unfold, Schnookie calls it: “Zach and Redden in a race down the length of the rink for a loose puck, Zach shorthanded and Redden with the angle. Advantage? Zach.” On the next sequence, Redden takes a hooking penalty against Shanahan. Sweet.

9:21 PM Sjostrom hits Madden from behind with the puck nowhere nearby, and the Devils go up two men.

9:23 PM The 5-on-3 is not as impressive as the Devils PK that preceded it.

9:27 PM The Devils draw a well-earned roar of approval from the surprisingly Devils-fan-heavy crowd for a series of shifts that involve Zach besting three Rangers with typical dogged play behind The Prawn’s net, and then a whole lot of standing fast by the rest of the guys in the defensive zone at the other end. It almost looks like the Devils are trying to issue a statement here.

9:35 PM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit! Renney finally quiets Eddie by pulling Prawn with two minutes remaining, and just as we start to think, “Aw fuck, the Devils suck when facing an extra attacker,” the Devils retrieve the puck on a defensive zone draw won by Gomez, Zach skates it up the far wing, and then makes no mistake in putting it into the empty net. 3-0 Devils!

9:37 PM Look at us! We’re happy! For a Clemmensen shutout with a Holik gamewinner! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read Full Post »

Well, That Sucked: A Devils/Kings Postgame Report

We are beginning to hope the Devils don’t get home ice in the playoffs.

The end.

P.S. Sutter needs to give a copy of the new rules — the new rules Shanny pushed during the lock-out when he was calling the Coffee Klatch That Saved Hockey — to Shanahan and Holik. They consistently take hooking and holding calls that every other productive player in the post-lock-out era has long learned will be called every single time. Is it really too much to ask that those guys accept that it’s 2009 and those stick fouls will result in putting the team down a man?

P.P.S. Why is Brendan Shanahan killing penalties? What, is there a shortage of forwards on the Devils who are PK-capable and also understand the rulebook?

P.P.P.S. If there is a way to program the Devils to think the second period is just an extra half of the first period tacked on to an extra half of the third period, we need to make that happen.

P.P.P.P.S. If Zubrus didn’t have bad luck on goal reviews, he’d have no luck at all. The War Room really, really hates him, doesn’t it?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Stately IPB Manor held a Tranny Bride Appreciation Party this afternoon, hosting Kristin of Eager To Go Psycho for a wine and cheese picnic during the Philly-Boston game this afternoon. A lovely time was had by all (except Marty Biron), but it did result in our TiVoing this game for later. We managed to artfully avoid all scoring information until thirty second before we were to start the game. All annoyance at having the final spoiled was erased after seeing the game. If we hadn’t been warned, this might have gotten ugly. So thanks, Columbus Blue Jackets broadcast, for giving a completely random out-of-town-scoreboard report.

Read Full Post »