Gentle Reader, it’s been reported here that the one and only Victory Euro Mats is missing, most likely Matsnapped by evil forces hell-bent on making sure the 2009 NHL Playoffs are horrifically awful. (The fact that it’s another post-season with “Devils First Round Loss” written all over it isn’t enough, evidently.) Today, when we sat down to do our obligatory Playoff Predictions, we noticed that the Matsnappers sent us a replacement. Meet Joyless Depression Clemmer, stately IPB Manor’s new hockeymobil totem:
Stabby, stabby, little fishies!
Seeing J.D. Clemmer’s scruffy, mean face, and his soulless, stinky killing-machine throwingfishies, we realized that the hockey gods are crueler than we ever could have imagined. Maybe the only way to get our precious V.E. Mats back is pull a Tinkerbell and believe in something good, something fun, something enjoyable about this first round of match-ups. While we’re at it, we’ll also pull a Nancy Drew and see if we can’t figure out who might be behind the vicious Matsnapping.
Eastern Conference
(1) Boston
The Tinkerbell Approach
One word: Milan. We don’t like fighting, we don’t like players who are constantly compared to old-timers we could care less about, and we don’t like Cam Neely. And yet… Milan is mesmerizing. That check through the glass? That felling of an opponent with just one punch? That sexy glower at said felled opponent? We can’t get enough of him!
The Ookie Approach
We’ve tried accepting the Tranny Gentleman Callers into our proverbial hockey-loving parlor, but there’s something not quite right about this team. We think it might be their cologne, Eau De Julien. Or their aftershave, Jack Edwards Spice.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Zdeno Chara, alternately to use in weird witchcraft rituals or to take on a horizon-widening tour of Africa.
(2) Washington
The Tinkerbell Approach
If they win Round 1, it means they eliminate the Rangers.
The Ookie Approach
Our thoughts about the Washington Capitals have been made abundantly clear around these parts, but just in case you’re not fully on board with the Caps Hate, we direct you to this post wherein a Caps fan announces “the hockey gods are with us, now” and not a single commenter suggests keeping the hubris to a minimum. The hockey gods aren’t to be messed with.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Ovechkin. V.E. Mats invented fun and Ovie’s nervous he’ll show the patent to someone, thereby proving there was joy on this Earth before GR8 bequeathed it to us.
(3) New Jersey
The Tinkerbell Approach
Um… Marty’s rested? Zach’s a superstar? Maybe Holik will get benched?
The Ookie Approach
We love the Devils as much as anyone but it’s gonna take a hell of a lot of clapping, sparkly pixies to get this team out of the first round.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Clemmer, of course. Look at that fiendish look in J.D. Clemmer’s eyes! Can you honestly tell us that isn’t the look of a master minor-league criminal?
(4). Pittsburgh
The Tinkerbell Approach
Who doesn’t love a happy ending to a story in which Michel Therrien loses his job?
The Ookie Approach
Who does love a happy ending to a story in which Bill Guerin gets another job?
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Petr Sykora’s always been jealous of Mats’s cool pink shades; Sykkie planned to just steal the glasses and wasn’t counting on PJ eating the rest of V.E. Mats.
(5) Philadelphia
The Tinkerbell Approach
[Ookies blush]
The Ookie Approach
Look at that hobo!
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Just like in The Orient Express they — spoiler alert! — all did it!
(6) Carolina
The Tinkerbell Approach
Carolina is the rare team that we’ve enjoyed cheering for even after they’ve eliminated the Devils. There’s something spunky and lovable about any team lead by Hooters Staal and Ray “They Call Him The Kazoo Because He’s Like A Wizard Out There” Whitney. Sadly, they no longer have Mikey C to really steal our hearts, but that Cam Ward kid is growing up to be remarkably likable (the lack of a Nickeldebacle [TM Josh] on his helmet this season helps a great deal).
The Ookie Approach
Teams should not be rewarded in seasons in which they introduce new sweaters, especially ones that are primarily black. That’s just Lame City.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Chad LaRose, that scamp! But because he’s Rosebud, Mikey C’s erstwhile partner-in-crime (as opposed to Hooters, his TV partner-in-crime on “Hooters and McCracken”, the first show in the hopper at Ookies Productions Inc.) we’d probably just laugh it off and say, “J.D. Clemmer’s not that bad a replacement. Look! He’s got a pelican! That’s pretty happening!”
(7) New York
The Tinkerbell Approach
If they win, they eliminate the Caps in the first round, thereby further cementing Ovie’s status as a playoff choker. That, dear Gentle Reader, is powerful, powerful shit.
The Ookie Approach
We repeat, if they win, they eliminate the Caps in the first round. This means… We are pulling for the Rangers to win. The Rangers are so evil, so despicable, so detestable, they’ve managed to find a way to make it so we actually want them to win a round. God, we hate them so much!
Ookies: Why, hockey gods, why?!? What did we ever do to deserve this?!
Hockey Gods: Tell us again, how many Flyers games did you TiVo this season?
Ookies: [Contrite] Nevermind! We’ll just cheer for the road team.
Hockey Gods: [Stern glare through pink shades] We’re on to you.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Wade Redden. Maintaining that $30,000-a-day Faberge egg habit requires serious dough, and ransoming Playmobil blog totems is pretty lucrative business in the shady back alleys of the Upper West Side.
(8) Montreal
The Tinkerbell Approach
Yay, they’re 100 years old! Also, they have Youppi!
The Ookie Approach
God, there are eight teams we have to write about?!?
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Carey Price, who’s nervous V.E. Mats is a better goalie than him.
Western Conference
There’s a Western Conference?!? Listen, if memory serves us correctly, we didn’t write WC predictions last season, and if memory serves us correctly, the WC teams were still allowed to compete in the post-season, so… Yeah. Enjoy the playoffs. Or J.D. Clemmer will throw stinky fishies at your head.
