Gentle Reader, it’s been reported here that the one and only Victory Euro Mats is missing, most likely Matsnapped by evil forces hell-bent on making sure the 2009 NHL Playoffs are horrifically awful. (The fact that it’s another post-season with “Devils First Round Loss” written all over it isn’t enough, evidently.) Today, when we sat down to do our obligatory Playoff Predictions, we noticed that the Matsnappers sent us a replacement. Meet Joyless Depression Clemmer, stately IPB Manor’s new hockeymobil totem:
Stabby, stabby, little fishies!
Seeing J.D. Clemmer’s scruffy, mean face, and his soulless, stinky killing-machine throwingfishies, we realized that the hockey gods are crueler than we ever could have imagined. Maybe the only way to get our precious V.E. Mats back is pull a Tinkerbell and believe in something good, something fun, something enjoyable about this first round of match-ups. While we’re at it, we’ll also pull a Nancy Drew and see if we can’t figure out who might be behind the vicious Matsnapping.
Eastern Conference
(1) Boston
The Tinkerbell Approach
One word: Milan. We don’t like fighting, we don’t like players who are constantly compared to old-timers we could care less about, and we don’t like Cam Neely. And yet… Milan is mesmerizing. That check through the glass? That felling of an opponent with just one punch? That sexy glower at said felled opponent? We can’t get enough of him!
The Ookie Approach
We’ve tried accepting the Tranny Gentleman Callers into our proverbial hockey-loving parlor, but there’s something not quite right about this team. We think it might be their cologne, Eau De Julien. Or their aftershave, Jack Edwards Spice.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Zdeno Chara, alternately to use in weird witchcraft rituals or to take on a horizon-widening tour of Africa.
(2) Washington
The Tinkerbell Approach
If they win Round 1, it means they eliminate the Rangers.
The Ookie Approach
Our thoughts about the Washington Capitals have been made abundantly clear around these parts, but just in case you’re not fully on board with the Caps Hate, we direct you to this post wherein a Caps fan announces “the hockey gods are with us, now” and not a single commenter suggests keeping the hubris to a minimum. The hockey gods aren’t to be messed with.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Ovechkin. V.E. Mats invented fun and Ovie’s nervous he’ll show the patent to someone, thereby proving there was joy on this Earth before GR8 bequeathed it to us.
(3) New Jersey
The Tinkerbell Approach
Um… Marty’s rested? Zach’s a superstar? Maybe Holik will get benched?
The Ookie Approach
We love the Devils as much as anyone but it’s gonna take a hell of a lot of clapping, sparkly pixies to get this team out of the first round.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Clemmer, of course. Look at that fiendish look in J.D. Clemmer’s eyes! Can you honestly tell us that isn’t the look of a master minor-league criminal?
(4). Pittsburgh
The Tinkerbell Approach
Who doesn’t love a happy ending to a story in which Michel Therrien loses his job?
The Ookie Approach
Who does love a happy ending to a story in which Bill Guerin gets another job?
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Petr Sykora’s always been jealous of Mats’s cool pink shades; Sykkie planned to just steal the glasses and wasn’t counting on PJ eating the rest of V.E. Mats.
(5) Philadelphia
The Tinkerbell Approach
[Ookies blush]
The Ookie Approach
Look at that hobo!
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Just like in The Orient Express they — spoiler alert! — all did it!
(6) Carolina
The Tinkerbell Approach
Carolina is the rare team that we’ve enjoyed cheering for even after they’ve eliminated the Devils. There’s something spunky and lovable about any team lead by Hooters Staal and Ray “They Call Him The Kazoo Because He’s Like A Wizard Out There” Whitney. Sadly, they no longer have Mikey C to really steal our hearts, but that Cam Ward kid is growing up to be remarkably likable (the lack of a Nickeldebacle [TM Josh] on his helmet this season helps a great deal).
The Ookie Approach
Teams should not be rewarded in seasons in which they introduce new sweaters, especially ones that are primarily black. That’s just Lame City.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Chad LaRose, that scamp! But because he’s Rosebud, Mikey C’s erstwhile partner-in-crime (as opposed to Hooters, his TV partner-in-crime on “Hooters and McCracken”, the first show in the hopper at Ookies Productions Inc.) we’d probably just laugh it off and say, “J.D. Clemmer’s not that bad a replacement. Look! He’s got a pelican! That’s pretty happening!”
(7) New York
The Tinkerbell Approach
If they win, they eliminate the Caps in the first round, thereby further cementing Ovie’s status as a playoff choker. That, dear Gentle Reader, is powerful, powerful shit.
The Ookie Approach
We repeat, if they win, they eliminate the Caps in the first round. This means… We are pulling for the Rangers to win. The Rangers are so evil, so despicable, so detestable, they’ve managed to find a way to make it so we actually want them to win a round. God, we hate them so much!
Ookies: Why, hockey gods, why?!? What did we ever do to deserve this?!
Hockey Gods: Tell us again, how many Flyers games did you TiVo this season?
Ookies: [Contrite] Nevermind! We’ll just cheer for the road team.
Hockey Gods: [Stern glare through pink shades] We’re on to you.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Wade Redden. Maintaining that $30,000-a-day Faberge egg habit requires serious dough, and ransoming Playmobil blog totems is pretty lucrative business in the shady back alleys of the Upper West Side.
(8) Montreal
The Tinkerbell Approach
Yay, they’re 100 years old! Also, they have Youppi!
The Ookie Approach
God, there are eight teams we have to write about?!?
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Carey Price, who’s nervous V.E. Mats is a better goalie than him.
Western Conference
There’s a Western Conference?!? Listen, if memory serves us correctly, we didn’t write WC predictions last season, and if memory serves us correctly, the WC teams were still allowed to compete in the post-season, so… Yeah. Enjoy the playoffs. Or J.D. Clemmer will throw stinky fishies at your head.
Player Most Likely to be the Matsnapper
Ovechkin. V.E. Mats invented fun and Ovie’s nervous he’ll show the patent to someone, thereby proving there was joy on this Earth before GR8 bequeathed it to us.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
and double-:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::: for the rest of the post!
Carey Price, who’s nervous V.E. Mats is a better goalie than him.
He would have taken Halak first. Especially because V.E. Mats’s disappearance was noticed right away. Gainey wouldn’t have noticed Halak until he saw the equipment still in a locker in Boston while everyone else had taken the ice.
I think it was the Russian mob who confused V.E. Mats with a Kostitsyn brother.
Thanks, Patty! :D
Gainey wouldn’t have noticed Halak until he saw the equipment still in a locker in Boston while everyone else had taken the ice.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Poor Halak! Well, I mean that only to sound as sympathetic as I can for a guy who can’t win a starting job from Carey Price. (And I think I can take the Russian mob. Those bastards have no idea who they’re tangling with!)
‘There’s a Western Conference?!?’
East Coast Bias! You know, according to Vancouver Canucks and San Jose Sharks fans that is the reason Marty keeps winning Roberto Luongo’s/Evgeni Nabokov’s Vezina Trophies.
(the lack of a Nickeldebacle [TM Josh] on his helmet this season helps a great deal).
::bows::
There’s a Western Conference?!?
I tend to get this way to. I refuse to believe that hockey – or anything, really – exists on the left side of the Mississip’. Buncha wilderness and mountains and nothin’ over thar.
You know, according to Vancouver Canucks and San Jose Sharks fans that is the reason Marty keeps winning Roberto Luongo’s/Evgeni Nabokov’s Vezina Trophies.
Heh. Yeah, well, Jose Theodore and Olaf Kolzig are the reasons Marty is winning the Vezinas now — wait your turn, whippersnappers. :P
Buncha wilderness and mountains and nothin’ over thar.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: We even lived out there for over three years, and I can’t really refute that statement. :P
Hmm…it’s hard to get attached to anything called “Clemmer”
I’m very concerned about VE Mats. Have you looked under the oven and the fridge? The cats are probably torturing him!
Also, did you see on Fire and Ice how the Devils blame the fans for last season’s playoff debacle. “It didn’t feel like home.” Bite me, guys.
Hmm…it’s hard to get attached to anything called “Clemmer”
Yeah, it is. So we’re focusing on the “Joyless” and “Depressing” parts. Heh. (I don’t worry that the cats are torturing V.E. Mats. If they were, surely we’d hear him screaming, right?)
Also, did you see on Fire and Ice how the Devils blame the fans for last season’s playoff debacle. “It didn’t feel like home.” Bite me, guys.
Word. Just fucking don’t even try that shit with me, Devils. Just. Don’t.
Maybe if they didn’t play like shit the Devils fans could have cheered more than the Rangers fans. As if it’s my fault they laid a colossal egg!
When it comes to this issue, I’m going to channel my high school principal when he used to talk about teens driving: Devils, having fans is a privilege, not a right.
As if it’s my fault they laid a colossal egg!
EXACTLY! Those FUCKERS! I was actually torturing myself this evening by rereading our diaries from that series, and my head was exploding from remembering Dano and Chico going on and on and on during the games bitching about the Devils fans. I’m just like, “Wait a sec… Why, exactly, am I still watching this team??”
Devils, having fans is a privilege, not a right.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Maybe Val and I read into it too much…but seriously Marty, maybe a few more saves from you and a few more goals from the rest would have made a bigger impact than the fans.
Well, toodles folks! I’m out. Goodnight!
Good night, Pam!
G’night, Pam! At least we don’t think it was your fault. :D
(I don’t worry that the cats are torturing V.E. Mats. If they were, surely we’d hear him screaming, right?)
Hmm, I dunno. If a lost V.E. is being tortured by cats and no one who is looking for him is around to hear him scream, does he make a sound?
Bah. I meant to say: ‘If a lost V.E. *Mats* is being tortured by cats and no one who is looking for him is around to her his screams, does he make a sound?’ I hate it when I leave words out.
I could sense that ghostly “Mats” in your comment, Kellyn. No worries. :P
J.D. Clemmer probably stole V.E. Mats’s voice. Just like Ursula the Sea Witch. (I knew Clemmer reminded me of someone…)
Awesome post. :P I loved it.
Zach is in fine form right now. Offering us lots of material to tease him about…
From this article: http://www.nj.com/devils/index.ssf/2009/04/new_jersey_devils_captain_jami.html
“He’s helped Travis and I out a lot,” said Parise, who had a team-high 45 goals. “We’re the type of line that each player brings a big part to the line. It seems like whenever we score a goal, all three guys are in on it. Me and Travis can sometimes get a little frustrated or a little rattled on the bench.
“That’s why we call him the Godfather. It’s from the movie ‘Old School’. Me and Travis came up with it. I guess it kind of fit perfect for Jamie. During the losing streak, he kept the room positive.”
The Godfather? For real? Oh Zach…:P
I feel SO old right now. I’m like, “Wait, ‘The Godfather’ is from ‘Old School’?” Sorry, I’m stuck on the primary source of that cultural reference. :P
Right now I don’t think anyone feels older than Jamie. He’s probably like, “Seriously, you guys, I’m not *that* much older than you. Jesus, would you turn that music down? I can barely hear myself think! And while you’re at it, keep your hands off of the thermostat – we’re not made of money, you know!”
A big :^:::::::::::::::::: to this entire post.
how the Devils blame the fans for last season’s playoff debacle. “It didn’t feel like home.”
Seriously? That’s really low if the players are blaming the fans. They should look around the room and in the mirror before blaming people who pay good, hard-earned money to see them play.
That’s why we call him the Godfather. It’s from the movie ‘Old School’.
That seismic event you just felt was Marlon Brando rolling over in his grave.
That seismic event you just felt was Marlon Brando rolling over in his grave.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No kidding!
That’s why we call him the Godfather. It’s from the movie ‘Old School’.
Wow, I’m surprised being in New Jersey and all, they don’t call him “The Boss”, ya know… from “Who’s the Boss?”
Standing ovation! You know, I feel so much better about hockey now that I don’t have to worry about the Stars for this season. Is that awful? Now I can just kick back, relax and watch some playoff hockey without my insides getting all twist-y.
Did I miss something important? Not to be the annoying jerk out of the loop, but what happened to VE Mats?
but what happened to VE Mats?
Good question! One day he was there and the next he was gone! We figure it was either the hockey gods stealing him away from us or a cat knocking him off the mantle and the batting him down the stairs and into the basement.
And while you’re at it, keep your hands off of the thermostat – we’re not made of money, you know!”
Wow, I’m surprised being in New Jersey and all, they don’t call him “The Boss”, ya know… from “Who’s the Boss?”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: to both of you! Too funny!
Caitlin, I’m so jealous of your opportunity to just watch the playoffs and have fun with them. You guys and the Sabres fans around here, while you had a crappy regular season, at least get to be footloose and fancy-free now. Meanwhile, I have to suffer through FOUR WHOLE GAMES before I get to enjoy the playoffs. :P
Today’s tax day. I feel like there’s going to be one or two Devils waking up today and going “Oh shit I forgot to take the taxes to my accountant.”
To day is my birthday!
Meanwhile, I have to suffer through FOUR WHOLE GAMES before I get to enjoy the playoffs. :P
Aww. Our beat writer seems to think you guys will make it to the second round!
Really, the playoffs are just a way for me to stave off the inevitable off-season depression of “What the Christ is going to happen to my team?” Ah, oh well.
I hope the Devils really do okay, because I’ll root for the Devils first, but if the Devils lose – wow, are my Tranny Brides fugly and shameful. It’s bad enough I finally settled on the Sharks to root for in the WC.
Pookie: I think the hockey gods are jealous of all the love VE Mats gets. At least that’s the explanation that I (want to) believe. Heh.
Happy birthday, Anthony!
Our beat writer seems to think you guys will make it to the second round!
No offense, but your beat writers are crazy! :P
No offense, but your beat writers are crazy! :P
The sweater vest made him do it!
He lists the Devils beating Carolina in 7, then losing to Washington in 7. Uh…at least the Stars beat writer is fond of the Devils?!
Happy birthday, Anthony! What a great way to make tax day enjoyable! I hope you get a REALLY AWESOME gift from the Hockey Gods today… :D
It’s bad enough I finally settled on the Sharks to root for in the WC.
Whoa. That IS bad for you. Of course, the uglier and more shameful the better! At least, that’s how I feel about tranny brides. Did you guys know that my tranny marriage has already passed its first anniversary? I’m so proud! I never thought we’d be able to make it last! :P
Uh…at least the Stars beat writer is fond of the Devils?!
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: We get a lot of love from Stars commentators. It’s because they were the only people really paying attention in 2000. :P
(And last year Mike Robitaille picked us to win it all, so we apparently get a lot of love from the crazy curmudgeonly Sabres announcers set, too.)
Of course, the uglier and more shameful the better! At least, that’s how I feel about tranny brides.
My EC Tranny Brides are Montreal and Washington. What can I say? Inventing fun and speaking French, that’s what my Tranny Brides are about. (I told you they were shameful and fugly!)
Did you guys know that my tranny marriage has already passed its first anniversary? I’m so proud!
We should have a tranny-bride reception for y’all. That’s like reaching the 25-year mark in REGULAR marriages. Congrats! :D
That’s like reaching the 25-year mark in REGULAR marriages.
IT IS! And it remains as ugly and shameful as it was on day one. That’s another strong point in its favor. :D
And oof. Montreal and Washington? You DO realize we’re actually hoping the Rangers win that series with the Caps, right? The Rangers. I mean, it’s less that we’re hoping the Rangers win and more that we’re hoping the Caps lose, but still! That is one REALLY ugly tranny bride. :P
Happy Birthday Anthony!
You guys have tax day today? Good luck with that!
I told you they were shameful and fugly!
At least you have Tranny Brides! All I have is red/black nails for the Devils and NOTHING ELSE. I can’t even make up my mind about my playoff picks! I think I’m going to have to pick on looks, because picking on skills clearly isn’t working for me.
All I have is red/black nails for the Devils and NOTHING ELSE.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: That’s so sad!
I think I’m going to have to pick on looks, because picking on skills clearly isn’t working for me.
Picking on looks has served me well over the last 15 years. I highly recommend that tack. :D
Pookie and I both did our Frisby Bowl predictions last night, and even though we share a brain, we were going in WAY different directions. It looks like it could shape up to be a REALLY weird postseason. Heh.
That is one REALLY ugly tranny bride.
I have no excuse. Love truly is blind. :P
I think I’m going to have to pick on looks
This is better than my pick system…of foreign players and randomness. Heh. Even if your team loses, at least they still look attractive!
It looks like it could shape up to be a REALLY weird postseason.
I just don’t have a feel for it at all. The only thing I know for sure is that neither NJ nor my Tranny Brides are going to win more than one game.
I’ve decided that I’m rooting for St. Louis if it can’t be the Devils. If they lose too, then Chicago. If not Chicago, then I’m rooting for the meteor.
Maybe VE Mats ended up in the litter box? (I’m not suggesting he was consumed, but perhaps somehow swatted in there?)
WOOOOO Caitlin! I knew you were cool! Don’t listen to these east coast folk, the Sharks are a damn fine team to root for in the playoffs.
Andrew, I forgot about your boys! I wouldn’t mind if they won either.
…Plus if you don’t end up liking them, you only have to grin and bear it for two rounds.
Zing! (sigh)
the Sharks are a damn fine team to root for in the playoffs.
Stupid Nabokov is the main reason why. The man is insane.
Andrew, I forgot about your boys! I wouldn’t mind if they won either.
Thanks Pam! I wouldn’t mind so much either!
Seriously though, I know Roenick throws a monkey in the wrench for a lot of fans, but Thornton and Marleau carry enough good vibes to overcome that. I think.
Stupid Nabokov is the main reason why. The man is insane.
He’s the only person I’m worried about on this team going into round one. If he’s hot, they’re golden…if not, well…
I like to root for the lesser of evils, and the west over the east (except for the Devils of course). The reason being that I hate most of the other teams in the east.
…Plus if you don’t end up liking them, you only have to grin and bear it for two rounds.
Zing! (sigh)
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: They BETTER not go out in two rounds — I picked them in Frisby Bowl!
I just don’t have a feel for it at all.
Me neither. I keep thinking everything is just going the full 7 games, but they could all be sweeps too. Who knows?
If he’s hot, they’re golden…if not, well…
Please Nabby do well, please Nabby do well, please Nabby do well.
Not to be too picky…
making sure the 2008 NHL Playoffs are horrifically awful
They were!
Hopefully now in 09 it’ll be better!
I refuse to believe that hockey – or anything, really – exists on the left side of the Mississip’. Buncha wilderness and mountains and nothin’ over thar.
Hey, I’m standing right here! Unfortunately like Schnookie says, there is perhaps a little truth to this. The good part of living where nobody wants to live is that you have short commutes, can any of you beat 11 minutes? *stares defiantly at the east coast mob*
Also I think I interpreted that Fire and Ice article differently from others, Brodeur says they didn’t give the fans much to cheer about, which is certainly true. Also for you locals it says tickets are very cheap for tonight’s game, I can only hope prices are cheap if they’re still playing in May when I will be on the east coast to see how civilized people live.
This thing about cheap tickets is a myth to me. But I don’t care. By paying early we locked in our regular season price for the entire playoffs!
Thanks Pam, for catching that typo! I would blame it on typing this at work last night, but really, it’s just because I’m a bad proof-reader.
Also I think I interpreted that Fire and Ice article differently from others
Last season the player and broadcasters made it very clear in the moment that they blamed Devils fans for not cheering enough.
can any of you beat 11 minutes? *stares defiantly at the east coast mob*
D’oh! Got me there.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/playoffs/2009/news?columnist=burnside_scott&id=4062800
Check out the graphic for the Carolina Panthers in the video.
Ha, I was just bustin’. I was hoping that the typo meant that 08 was gonna suck, and that the Matsnappers accomplished their goal. But now that you’ve fixed it, all hope is lost!
I bet those fuckers thought we cheered enough in 06. Same teams, same split of fans, different outcome.
The good part of living where nobody wants to live is that you have short commutes, can any of you beat 11 minutes? *stares defiantly at the east coast mob*
Not anymore, alas. Although when I was working in high school and college (also on the east coast) I could. Then again, I was living in the suburbs of Buffalo, so take from that what you will. :D
I can do about 20 minutes if I leave at 1:30 and there’s no traffic on route 1!
Last season the player and broadcasters made it very clear in the moment that they blamed Devils fans for not cheering enough.
I must have missed that, it was only this season I started really looking at online hockey news. I remember Chico mentioning it last year but I don’t really believe a lot of what he says since I’m pretty sure Brodeur has him on staff as a professional excuse maker. I mean honestly, shots taken from about the goal line should be stopped, Chico! That is very disappointing that the team would blame the fans, in last year’s playoffs it wouldn’t have mattered if a crazy crowd like Montreal’s was behind them…
Schnookie’s off at lunch but her commute is 2 miles. Jerk. I have to go to an off-site training thingie tomorrow that’s an hour away by car or train. I can’t decide which to take. The car is more comfortable, I can belt along with my iPod, I can come and go on my schedule, and costs maybe $3 in gas. The train is more eco-friendly and I can be online with my iphone while in transit, but it costs more money and requires that I wait 45 minutes after the training ends before I can get started on going home. It’s a really, really tough call. I totally can’t decide what to do. iPhone-enabled vs. 45 minutes of waiting around… Sigh.
The good part of living where nobody wants to live is that you have short commutes
The running joke about Buffalo is that even with traffic jams, the average commute is 20 minutes.
Pookie, drive! I’m always a supporter of the car!
I have to go to an off-site training thingie tomorrow that’s an hour away by car or train.
Take the car. If the training lets out early, you might be home earlier instead of chilling out at a train station.
Yeah, I’m starting to think car, too. I had to go to this place two weeks ago and the ride home was kinda killer, but I think that’s because I hadn’t eaten anything at lunch. I think if I go in prepared with a nice lunch it’ll be better this time. Also, I’ll know to expect bad traffic on Route 1 at 3:40 on a Thursday.
It’s true. Buffalo has no traffic. I have to drive through it to get to work now and even on its worst days it’s nothing.
pookie, where is this off site thing?
where is this off site thing?
Lovely Rahway! The train station is a hop and a skip from the civic center where I’ll be, so I had really set my sight on taking the train. But that was back when I was reading the schedule wrong and though there was a 3:20 train rather than a 3:45 one.
The running joke about Buffalo is that even with traffic jams, the average commute is 20 minutes.
Sounds like my town. There’s absolutely no traffic here aside from on the main roads. Ideal really.
Rahway, home of the glorious prison!
I’d probably just hop on the turnpike. Exit 12, yee haa!
It’s a bitch to take rt. 1 that far up.
It’s a bitch to take rt. 1 that far up.
Oh no kidding! I did take the Turnpike. The problem was the stretch of 1 between Exit 9 (best exit in Jersey!) and Princeton. I don’t think there’s any faster way to go, since 27 takes just about as long.
Hooray for Exit 9! (Although I have a soft spot for 18, since that was my hometown’s exit).
Yes, that stretch is like the Rutgers to Princeton pipeline. I know it all too well.
Screw all you non New Jerseyites and your cushy no traffic roads!
Am I wrong in thinking that Mike Green is not particularly on the defensive side of the puck? I’m not entirely sure whether to trust my own opinion on this one.
Heather, are you implying that a potential Norris candidate defenseman should be good both offensively and defensively?
Am I wrong in thinking that Mike Green is not particularly on the defensive side of the puck?
If you like statbits, Martle’s had some posts suggesting that Green is actually, statistically, not bad at defense. Whatevs. On the tralala freelingsbits scale, Green’s a major failure.
Wow, Amy it’s like you’re reading my mind! :) I am actually writing about that very thing on my blog right now but I admittedly don’t see Green very often so I was wondering if my opinion was off.
Pookie, I think I’m going with the tralala here. Seems about right.
11 minutes?! That’s pretty good Mike. I’m at like 30-40 minutes now. When we lived downtown I worked 2 blocks from my office. That was pretty sweet. Of course they were really big blocks, so I still drove. Yes, I am that lazy, why do you ask?
Also, Ookies, awesome post. Please tell me you guys are going to do a Western Conference preview! It’s not like it takes a ton of stat crunching, you have to think about it!
Please tell me you guys are going to do a Western Conference preview!
Um… Look at that hobo? Sorry. We have to diarize the Devils tonight and then tomorrow we have a special surprise thanks to Kristin so… we probably won’t get to it. If we did write one it would be all about how kick ass the Sharks are, I promise!
If we did write one it would be all about how kick ass the Sharks are, I promise!
Mmm hmm….Yeah, I believe that.
Val and I will do our best to not be responsible if they lose tonight.
And YAY for the 7:30 start!
Mmm hmm….Yeah, I believe that.
Yeah, see? You know if we wrote a WC preview it would be entirely about Ryan Getzlaf and his new teeth, you know it!
You know if we wrote a WC preview it would be entirely about Ryan Getzlaf and his new teeth, you know it!
And then we’d have to deal with the inevitable shockwave that ripples through IPB when Douglas Murray knocks said teeth out. (a guy can dream!)
Oh man, I was just over at Puck Daddy reading all of the contributors’ predictions. This made me laugh really hard,
“The Blue Jackets make the playoffs for the first time ever…only to have to face the defending champion Red Wings. That’s like getting invited into the VIP room of a strip club only to find your girlfriend working it.”
That’s effing hilarious! Who knew Sarah Spain had a sense of humor?
Hmpppph, all you people cheering for the Blues! Everywhere I read today, it’s all “Ooooh I’m cheering for the scrappy underdog! I’m cheering for the Blues!”
The Canucks have had almost 39 years of underdoggyness! We suck too! :P
Hello everyone, I’m off to eat with some friends, and the next time I’ll sit in front of my laptop, the playoffs will be on! Woo hoo! That means you only have a few hours left to send me your picks, if you want to compete in the soft euro playoffs predictions contest (Pookie, you forgot to make picks for the West by the way).
Reading all those predictions around the internet has been a treat. I don’t think I’ve seen a single site or blog where someone picked Montreal to beat the Bruins, or even make it to a seventh game. The most delirious habs fans dared to say bruins in 6, but they’re probably delusional, because everyone knows that the Bruins are already in the second round, waiting for their next victim.
Well at least the pressure is not on the habs this year. They can’t even choke! :P
My commute depends on the time of day, down to the second. At 7:30am it’s over an hour (if I remember correctly), at 8:30, it’s about 50 minutes, at 9:30, it’s about 25 minutes. That’s why I don’t get here until 10.
Last night was really nice. I can look out my window and see the freeway where I get on, and just before my on-ramp there was a huge wreck and nothing was getting by. So I jumped up and ran to my car and sped out onto the freeway and had a nice, leisurely 25-minute drive home at 5pm. It was like Sunday afternoon. :P
Pookie, you forgot to make picks for the West by the way
That EC bias is a hard one to shake! I sent my updated picks so now I’m all set to win!
The Canucks have had almost 39 years of underdoggyness! We suck too!
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::: If it’s any help, I think that Vancouver trouncing the Blues is going to be the only sweep in the first round.
The Canucks have had almost 39 years of underdoggyness! We suck too! :P
Good point! :P (Just kidding.)
Most of my picks are just picking names out of a hat. I had the Canucks over Chicago in the first at one point. (I had to re-think my name-drawing process.)
Alix, I’m in the canucks bandwagon by the way!
alix, you know I’m backing the ‘Nucks. Unless of course they eventually meet up with SJ.
I don’t think I’ve seen a single site or blog where someone picked Montreal to beat the Bruins, or even make it to a seventh game.
If it helps, Grrrreg, that’s how the Stars were last year. Everybody had the Ducks to knock us out. And look how far we got!
Hopefully, if the Habs do upset the Bruins, they won’t head straight for the crapper next season.
The Canucks have had almost 39 years of underdoggyness! We suck too!
Great argument. I hope what Puck Daddy said about Willie Mitchell thinking about a parade route doesn’t tempt the hockey gods.
I sent my updated picks so now I’m all set to win!
I don’t THEEEEENK so!
I hope what Puck Daddy said about Willie Mitchell thinking about a parade route doesn’t tempt the hockey gods.
Oh, alix…I’m so sorry!!
Planning the parade route is a KILLER. The Mavs were up 3 games to none against the Heat in the NBA Finals a few years ago and the mayor released the parade route plan and the Mavs choked away the Championship! Make Willie take it back!!!
Yeah, Willie Mitchell. That boy. *Shakes fist* Although it was hard to stay mad at him when he said he’d been dreaming about this since he was a little tot. (He’s from BC).
If it’s any help, I think that Vancouver trouncing the Blues is going to be the only sweep in the first round.
Thanks, Pookie!
Alix, I’m in the canucks bandwagon by the way!
alix, you know I’m backing the ‘Nucks. Unless of course they eventually meet up with SJ.
Thanks boys!
If it helps, Grrrreg, that’s how the Stars were last year. Everybody had the Ducks to knock us out. And look how far we got!
I’m cool with that. Seriously, anything beyond the fifth game of the first round is a bonus for the habs. I’ve never had such a positive attitude about the playoffs. Literally nothing bad can happen! :)
Yeah, my commute is over an hour. Without rush hour traffic, it’s about thirty minutes.
On the tralala freelingsbits scale, Green’s a major failure.
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Grrreg, I’m rooting for the Habs! Whee. They’d better win. OR ELSE. Hmph.
tomorrow we have a special surprise thanks to Kristin
I’m intrigued….
I’ve never had such a positive attitude about the playoffs. Literally nothing bad can happen!
Lucky!
I’m over here, not nearly as excited as I should be. Here’s my issue (because I know you guys totally want to hear it): Every year the Sharks are touted as The Team by the MSM and a sizeable chunk of the blogosphere. So, for the last 3 years they get knocked out in the second round and everyone calls them chokers and says that they won’t be fooled by those bastards again. Then the following year, the Sharks do well and everyone jumps rightback on the bandwagon. It’s maddening. It creates this huge overhyped sense of failure when they do lose, even though this year is the first time in franchise history they’ve ever been higher than a third seed. Now, when they actually might have a shot at winning, the MSM is jumping back on the wagon and if they lose this year the backlash is going to be so bad that the internet is going to be a totally inhospitable place for a Sharks fan (only because it will be incredibly annoying).
That’s my two cents. So anyways, as long as they win everything will be fine. No pressure.
andrew, I do feel for the Sharks. I am impressed with how well they did so far, though, amongst all the hype. The Stars got an occasional “this is their year” from the MSM and totally choked in the regular season. So there’s that.
And it is cracking me up how many people are picking the Sharks after swearing they never would again.
I was watching TSN’s preview last night and Pierre said he’s learned never to bet against the Wings. He said he didn’t think they’d win last year and they did, so he’s “never going to bet against them again.” Soooo, he’s picking the Wings to win the Cup every year? From now on? That’s a little bit of an over-reaction to being wrong on a playoff prediction, isn’t it?
can any of you beat 11 minutes? *stares defiantly at the east coast mob*
I SURE CAN! My commute is six minutes. HA! Of course, it’s 40 minutes… when I stroll to work with my camera in hand. Suck on that! :P
Now, when they actually might have a shot at winning, the MSM is jumping back on the wagon and if they lose this year the backlash is going to be so bad that the internet is going to be a totally inhospitable place for a Sharks fan (only because it will be incredibly annoying).
That makes a ton of sense. I’d be really wary about these playoffs if I was a Sharks fan, too. Not out of worry that they’re going to lose, necessarily, but just because of how much it’ll suck to have to keep hearing about it in the future.
And it is cracking me up how many people are picking the Sharks after swearing they never would again.
Exactly! It’s like every hockey expert on the web has the memory of a goldfish.
Not out of worry that they’re going to lose, necessarily, but just because of how much it’ll suck to have to keep hearing about it in the future.
Exactly. I’m already sick of hearing it! Have been for two years.
I just have to think how lucky some fans are, like Red Wings and Ranger fans (trust me, I’m going somewhere with this). When those teams went 40+ years without sniffing the cup (pun totally intended) fans were pissed or sad, but that was it. They didn’t have to deal with the opinion of every backward ass moron in the country. Now with the invention of the internet, all bets are off. The Sharks get bounced a few years and all of a sudden they’re this massive failure. The Sabres let Drury and Briere walk and all of a sudden they’re the most poorly managed team in hockey. Marty loses a few games after coming back from injury and all of a sudden Clemmer should totally be starting over him. It’s rediculous!
But what can ya do? Avoid the news?
But what can ya do? Avoid the news?
Yeah, exactly. Can’t fight City Hall. Alls I knows is that since I’ve gotten into this crazy blogosphere of ours, I’ve come to realize that people are, for the most part, REALLY stupid. :D
Oh, and alix, I meant to say that I am also picking the Canucks in a sweep in the first round! I’ve actually got them going to the WCF. So we’re not all haters here! :P
Alls I knows is that since I’ve gotten into this crazy blogosphere of ours, I’ve come to realize that people are, for the most part, REALLY stupid.
Yeah, I was a happier fan when I was blissfully unaware! With the exception of a few sites (IPB, BoC, Martle, THG, etc.) I just can’t bring myself to read blog comments. I love Puck Daddy, but the commenters over there are stu-pid.
But what can ya do? Avoid the news?
Works for me. Most of the time. It helps that no one on the interwebs cares about the Devils. I really do feel for you, andrew. I promise I won’t mock the Sharks here on IPB if they lose. (Which they’re going to do. To Boston. In the Finals. It’s in my Frisby Bowl picks, so it must be true.)
I just can’t bring myself to read blog comments. I love Puck Daddy, but the commenters over there are stu-pid.
Dude, seriously. Pookie and I have made some choices over the last two years that have closed some doors for IPB to grow (in influence or interwebal prominence, or whatever blogs have), and sometimes it’s kinda like, “Aw, bummer. I once dreamed of global domination, and now I’m never going to have it.” Then I take a gander at the comments on a lot of blogs and think, “On second thought, I think I’d rather die than have that be the community reading my blog.” I’m so glad you guys aren’t knuckle-dragging maroons!
(Which they’re going to do. To Boston. In the Finals. It’s in my Frisby Bowl picks, so it must be true.)
Nope. They’re beating the Pens in the SCF. It’s in MY Frisby Bowl picks, so I KNOW it’s true.
They didn’t have to deal with the opinion of every backward ass moron in the country. Now with the invention of the internet, all bets are off.
You hit the nail on the head right there. After seeing what people in other cities write about the Stars (or copy from the AP story) and thinking they just don’t know anything about the Stars, it finally occurred to me that they don’t know anything about any other team, either. Except maybe the Rangers or the Leafs, since that’s where they’re writing from. (Although I’m even starting to wonder about those.)
I really do feel for you, andrew. I promise I won’t mock the Sharks here on IPB if they lose.
Aww thanks, but it’s cool. You do what you gotta do! Although it will be a bummer if this year is anything like last year. The Sharks hate was flowing through IPB! But maybe this year will be different, they won’t be playing Dallas, Soupy isn’t on the team, there’s all kinds of reasons to love ‘em…
Although they did go get Rob Blake. Dammit, I’m screwed!
Pookie and I have made some choices over the last two years that have closed some doors for IPB to grow (in influence or interwebal prominence, or whatever blogs have)
Well, I for one applaud you two for sticking to your guns!
Although they did go get Rob Blake. Dammit, I’m screwed!
Didn’t y’all get Lemieux, too? :P
I actually don’t have the Rob Blake hate I used to have. I’m not sure why.
Although they did go get Rob Blake. Dammit, I’m screwed!
If it’s any help, I’d completely forgotten about him. And will again as soon as I stop typing this comment. I certainly won’t hold him against you. :D (I, um, might be cheering for Getzi in the first round, but will probably be all over the Sharks once they finish dispatching the Ducks in a sweep…)
Well, I for one applaud you two for sticking to your guns!
*Blushes* Thanks! Laziness has served us well — now we get to say we were just standing up for what we believed in as independent bloggers! Heh.
Sorry if I was mean last playoffs, andrew! All is forgotten, right? I hated the Ducks more, if that’s any consolation!
I’m so glad you guys aren’t knuckle-dragging maroons!
Hee!
The comments on Puck Daddy really do make my brain bleed. I’ve seriously limited my hockey blog reading because of that.
Well, I for one applaud you two for sticking to your guns!
Concurred, as well. Sorry I missed that in the last comment.
The comments on Puck Daddy really do make my brain bleed. I’ve seriously limited my hockey blog reading because of that.
I stopped reading the comments after it was implied that I was a dumb broad.
Also, WTF is up with Versus linking up with HockeyBuzz for the playoffs?
Didn’t y’all get Lemieux, too? :P
Haha, yeah. But the only people on the planet who still give a shit about Claude Lemieux are Red Wings fans. And that includes Sharks fans.
I actually don’t have the Rob Blake hate I used to have. I’m not sure why.
He’s kinda like Roenick. People had forgotten about him or hated him, then he came to the Sharks and he turned into a halfway decent player again. He had 45 points this year! Weird.
I stopped reading the comments after it was implied that I was a dumb broad.
Woah, YOWZA. I’m so sorry, Amy, you not-dumb-broad, you! :(
People had forgotten about him
I had pleasantly forgotten about him, but thanks for reminding me.
Sorry if I was mean last playoffs, andrew! All is forgotten, right?
haha…Patty, I don’t think you could be mean if you tried! And that’s a compliment.
of course, no one was mean! Everyone just wanted to see the Sharks flame out…badly. I think all there was was Sherry, alix, and myself…maybe a few others.
I stopped reading the comments after it was implied that I was a dumb broad.
Exactly. Morons. And the Red Wings/Penguins bitching that they do? Forget about it.
Everyone just wanted to see the Sharks flame out…badly.
BTW, I hope I don’t sound like I’m crying. Because I’m totally not. I just….excuse me…I have to go….I got some dust in both of my eyes.
Exactly. Morons. And the Red Wings/Penguins bitching that they do? Forget about it.
And..
FIRST!!11!!!!
And the constant Crosby/Ovechkin/whoever-bashing. Good Lord.
He’s kinda like Roenick.
Not if you’re talking about whether I still hate a guy. :P
Everyone just wanted to see the Sharks flame out…badly.
Well, sure. :D Not this year, though!
BTW, I hope I don’t sound like I’m crying. Because I’m totally not. I just….excuse me…I have to go….I got some dust in both of my eyes.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Awww… poor andrew. I had no idea you were so sensitive! :P
BTW, I hope I don’t sound like I’m crying.
Buck up, sad clown! Now I don’t have room in my heart for hate that doesn’t generate from the Caps!
FIRST!!11!!!!
I’ve never understood that. *shakes head sadly* I had hoped that it would be sort of c-blog-ish and would have a handful of Stoosh-ish people who could keep it in line. But, sadly, no. The comments over there are a vast wasteland of lowest common denominator.
of course, no one was mean! Everyone just wanted to see the Sharks flame out…badly.
Blame it on Soupy. This year I would be perfectly fine with you guys winning it all.
(Yes, I have the playoffs carefully divided into former Sabres who are allowed to win and former Sabres who aren’t. I’m just looking out for my sanity here.)
Heather, this year I’m alright with the Blackhawks winning the whole thing, even though Soupy is involved. I kind of miss the loveable lunkhead.
FIRST!!11!!!!
Oh my effing god. If I could internet-bitch slap people, it would be everyone who types ‘first’.
I had no idea you were so sensitive! :P
Buck up, sad clown!
Haha…it’s cool. I’ve got thick skin. Thanks for the sentiments though.
Amy, I will admit, from far away Soupy’s not so bad. I am actually kind of curious to see how I respond to watching him somewhat regularly again. I could probably handle a little more “we shoulda kept him!” in regards to him because we did miss having that kind of player on the team this year, I think. I dunno. We’ll see. At any rate, last season was just too soon.
Yes, I have the playoffs carefully divided into former Sabres who are allowed to win and former Sabres who aren’t. I’m just looking out for my sanity here.
For sure. I do the same thing,
Jay McKee: cool
JP Dumont: cool
Soupy (except for the 20 or so SJ games): not cool
Also, Heather, don’t forget that the Sharks were the last team to provide Curtis Brown with gainful employment.
Jay McKee: cool
JP Dumont: cool
Heh. That’s pretty much how my list breaks down, andrew. So you know, go Jay, go! (Sorry we’re missing JP’s playoff beard this season though. That’s a bummer.)
The comments over there are a vast wasteland of lowest common denominator.
So true. (Knuckle-dragging snopeses! That’s what my dad would say.)
andrew, I’ve got a hankie over here for you. And a Little Nicky quote, if you need it. :)
Knuckle-dragging snopeses!
That’s a new one. I like mouth breathing troglodytes myself.
I’ve actually got them going to the WCF. So we’re not all haters here! :P
Awwwww! It brings a tear!
Hee. the NYT hockey blog actually asked me to write a playoff preview for them. They must have not read many of my posts. :P
Congratulations, alix!
Oooh, congratulations, alix!
Thanks ladies!
Sorry we’re missing JP’s playoff beard this season though. That’s a bummer.
It is. Plus the Preds would have been the 8th seed. That would have given the Sharks a bit of an extra confidence booster, since they beat them the last two years in a row.
I’m also cool with Grier winning…and believe it or not, I’m okay with Danny winning. He kind of got the cold sholder from the Sabres, I wasn’t mad at him for signing with the Tranny Brides. Drury, on the other hand, can get fooked for all I care.
And a Little Nicky quote, if you need it.
“You grab him, I’ll punch him in the dick until he passes out.”
I never warmed up to Grier for some reason but I don’t dislike him enough to cheer against his team. He’s just kind of there.
I would root for Danny if not for the surrounding hoopla that will go on here if he wins a Cup. No matter how talented the rest of the Flyers are, somehow TBN and some fans will find a way to make it all about Danny. Don’t think I can handle that. I do agree with you however that he’s in no way the “bad guy” in the situation with the Sabres. I’m cool with him personally.
andrew: “What do you mean? I never even slept over at some other dude’s house!”
And congrats, alix!
And do my eyes deceive me, or did Columbus actually make the playoffs?
did Columbus actually make the playoffs?
They did, and I guess they’re snapping up tickets in both C-bus and Detroit.
And do my eyes deceive me, or did Columbus actually make the playoffs?
Wow, Caitlin. You really have been out of touch! :P
The Blues also made the playoffs.
I like Grier. He’s a good leader. The Sabres could have used him over the past two seasons, that’s for sure.
And yeah, TBN would have a conniption. I’m proud to say that I don’t read TBN anymore. I’m 9 months clean. I just couldn’t stand it any longer.
And do my eyes deceive me, or did Columbus actually make the playoffs?
With a vengeance. If they manage to beat the Wings in round one, all bets are off…I think they could surprise everyone.
alix! Congrats! Show ‘em who’s boss!
So, I’ll see all you guys later. I got training for the rest of the day. Have a great first night of the playoffs everyone!
You really have been out of touch! :P
I have! What can I say, I am made of lame. (I’ve been purposely ignoring hockey so I could get awful movies done.)
The Blues also made the playoffs.
I saw that, and I’m not sure why that doesn’t surprise me. Maybe everyone in St. Louis took a look at Brett Hull’s GM-ing skills and thought to themselves, “Jesus, if he does a good enough job and we suck badly enough, he could end up here! My God, we’ve got to win, dammit!”
“Jesus, if he does a good enough job and we suck badly enough, he could end up here! My God, we’ve got to win, dammit!”
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I think St. Louis might be a little ahead of schedule. They should be careful not to overreact and abandon their rebuilding plans.
I used to REALLY hate them, but without Pronger I hardly think about them.
Yes, I have the playoffs carefully divided into former Sabres who are allowed to win and former Sabres who aren’t.
I do the same things with the Devils. The problem is, some of the ones that aren’t allowed to win have re-joined the team this year. This is, of course, an abbreviated list, because there are an awful lot of ex-Devils wandering around the NHL.
Rafalski: Cool (I know the Ookies may disagree w/me on this one)
Gomez: Uncool
Guerin: Uncool
Nieds: Neither – It’s not him, it’s his mother I resent
Now, here’s where it gets very, very tough, because, before “Mr. Lamoriello” decided they were worthy of a second turn in a NJ sweater:
Holik: Uncool
Clemmer: Uncool
Sue, I also find Guerin uncool. :P
I see Craig MacT is out. It’s times like this when I really miss Covered In Oil.
Guerin is IMPOSSIBLY uncool. Actually, when it looked like we were going to end up with the Pens in the first round, Pookie and I spent a miserable lunch pondering the heinousness of losing at the hand of Sykora and Guerin. It made us nostalgic for losing at the hand of the Rangers last year.
Rafalski: Cool (I know the Ookies may disagree w/me on this one)
I don’t dislike Rafalski. If I felt like getting het up about it, I could find the manner in which he left supremely douchey, but honestly, I’m just too ambivalent about Raffie to care one way or the other. It just Raffie. Guerin and Sykora? That’s different.
I still feel the pang of the loss of Petr Sykora on behalf of Patty. Apparently they were, like, BFF and Lou Lamoriello FedExed Sykie to Anaheim because he felt they were ‘too attached’ or some such nonsense. And now every time they’re on the ice together or talk about each other in the press they sound so forlorn. Poorly done, Lou. Poorly done. Sad Patty = Fail.
I dunno, Kellyn. I think Sykora was shipped out because he was faking injury to get out of playoff games. Considering Sykora said a season or two ago that he and Patty don’t talk much anymore and that Sykora didn’t even know Patty had gotten married, I’m inclined to think they’re not too forlorn. (I fully put forth I have no idea what does on behind the scenes, of course.)
Poorly done, Lou. Poorly done. Sad Patty = Fail.
I can’t really call that a bad trade since we won a Cup the next season. :P
I thought Sykora was pining for Arnott when he faked the injury and, earlier in the season (right after Arnott got traded) had the ‘road flu’ for an extended period of time.
IIRC, during that period, Elias just kept playing, no matter who they put him with, and shut up.
The BFF aspect of the relationship is really overblown – Elias’ best friend is actually Havlat.
IIRC, during that period, Elias just kept playing, no matter who they put him with, and shut up.
Yeah, Patty was, amazingly, the only sane one of the three of them. :D
And I agree about the BFF thing, both about Havlat, and to say that I doubt Patty was really all that broken up about being mistreated by Lou or anything, given how quick he was to re-up with the Devils when he had the chance to leave.
That could be it too. Of all the players who I didn’t realise used to be Devils until someone told me I was most surprised when I found out about Petr Sykora. He just doesn’t seem as tough as Lou looks for in his undersized goal scoring wingers. Like, if Petr Sykora and Brian Gionta got into a fight and I had to predict a winner, I would pick Gio, because he has more nastiness in him.
The story I posted above was just the version of it I heard, but it could have been revisionist history written by a host of Sykie sympathizers to make Lou look like even more of an megalomaniac who arbitrarily uproots his players on psychotic whims than he really is. Either way, I kind of can’t help but sort of like Sykora because he looks like a chinchilla. His hair is nuts.
*I can’t really call that a bad trade since we won a Cup the next season. :P*
Agreed. XD I suppose I’m just trying to find out why Patty always looks like someone just killed his puppy whenever the camera zooms in on him. I’m just like, Patty, why do you look so sad? We’re WINNING.
but it could have been revisionist history written by a host of Sykie sympathizers
Hee! Yeah, it would seem that way. I loved the A Line when they were in their prime, but I can’t say I was sorry to see either Arnott or Sykkie go. And I’ve never looked back with either of those guys. Good riddance! :P