Last summer we had Ryan “Crunchy” Miller join the IPB writing staff as an advice columnist (You can read his works here and here), and, being the highly influential bloggers that we are, the NHL took notice. They loved the idea, and asked us to help them install a regular hockey-player advice column on NHL.com. We received hundreds of applications from aspiring Dear Abbys from around the league, and were very excited for the project. Of course, the league ultimately decided not to run with it, and asked us to never speak of it again. We would have been more than happy to keep it all under our hats, but they promised us a magnetic playoff tracker for our troubles and never sent it to us. Feeling slighted, we’ve decided to run a week-long series showcasing the very best of the advice column efforts, written by a variety of NHLers, that the league never wanted you to see. We’re totally not making any of this up. Because we’re very serious, influential bloggers. Right, Mr. Balsillie?
Dear Crunchy
Dear Crunchy,
I work for a family-run company that is very close-knit — the office is very friendly and convivial. However, in this difficult economic climate, management has been forced to downsize. Several beloved coworkers were recently laid off, and those of us who remain feel terrible about that. We have a tradition in the office of everyone contributing modest amounts of money to a monthly birthday pool, and we have a little cake for everyone whose birthday falls in that month. What would be a nice way to carry on that tradition this month, that would still be celebratory, but also respectful of the fact that there are some friends missing?
Thea, Lawrence KS
Dear Thea,
I feel like none of you people ever listen to me, because I have to keep telling you that your terrible eating habits are making you fat. Seriously, cake? Every month?? Your unemployed former coworkers are the ones who should be celebrating now that they’re freed from the tyranny of your “stuff your face” parties. If you really feel bad for your laid-off comrades, pool that birthday money together and head down to the nearest overpass — that’s where your former friends are living now. They should have some kind of coffee cup or tattered hat into which you can throw that money; my only caution is that they’re probably just going to spend it all on booze, which will make them fat. That’s what unemployed people do.
–Crunchy
Dear Crunchy,
I recently applied for my dream job, but I was so desperate to land it that I lied on my resume. At the time I thought it was just something everyone does, especially in the increasingly tough job market. I do honestly think I am the ideal candidate for the job, but now that I’ve been offered the position, I’m feeling guilty about taking it. Should I take the job knowing that I will be good at it, or should I walk away and be honest when applying for other jobs?
Janice, Altoona PA
Dear Janice,
I think you’re a real stand-up person who’ll be the greatest professional employee this company has ever seen. I think you should never feel guilty for going after what you want no matter what you have to do to get it. I think you’re also probably very skinny. Oh wait, guess what? I LIED! HA! See how it feels?
– Crunchy
Dear Crunchy,
I just graduated from college and have gotten my first job, an entry-level position at a company that works in the field I studied in school. I’m very excited for this job, but have never worked in an office setting before. Do you have any advice for a young professional setting out in the world?
Gloria, Las Cruces NM
Dear Gloria,
I am assuming, because you are apparently employable, that you are not fat. As a skinny recent college student, what your life is truly lacking is cutting edge fashion from The Refinery.com. As long as you’re wearing all the latest looks from The Refinery.com it won’t matter how your perform or behave in your job; the sassiest summer boob hoodie makes it so you don’t have to do stuff like “be on time” or “do the tasks you are assigned” or “get along with your coworkers” because you’ll look so damn hot that no one will care. I noticed, though, that you said it’s an entry-level job that you’re starting. There’s good news and bad news with that. The bad news is that you can’t afford anything but your The Refinery.com wardrobe on an entry-level salary. The good news is that if you can’t afford food, you won’t get fat, so you’ll be able to fit in all of it. I think you’re going to go far. Shop The Refinery.com.
–Crunchy
Dear Crunchy,
Help! I had a drunken one-night stand with a coworker, and now I’m too embarrassed to go to work! What should I do?
Marni, Salem OR
Dear Marni,
Why are you coming to me for advice with this? I wouldn’t know anything about it. I mean, would a GAY MAN have drunken one-night stands with his male coworkers? I didn’t think so.
–Crunchy
Dear Crunchy,
I have a coworker who keeps giving me small gifts of potted plants. I hate plants, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I politely but firmly make it clear that I am not a willing recipient of her generosity?
Wendy, Gainesville FL
Dear Wendy,
This coworker is a sociopath, and politeness isn’t going to get you anywhere with her. Next time she tries to hand you a potted plant, refuse to take it. Let it drop to the floor. Stand stone-still and fire the full force of your most withering glare at her without speaking. Hold this pose for as long as it takes to make her extremely uncomfortable. When she starts to squirm, explain in a quiet but forceful tone that you never asked for her stupid plants, you don’t understand why she was ever so dumb as to think you wanted them, and that she better stop spending so much of her precious workday bothering you with this idiocy. Tell her you’re going to report her to the boss for slacking off all the time to give you unwanted gifts. Then tell her that you’re doing everything you can to be the best professional employee possible, and she’s not carrying her (doubtless enormous) weight in the office. If she wants to be contributing to a winner, she needs to stop spending all her time driving around buying plants and start focusing on giving 110% to her job.
–Crunchy
Dear Crunchy,
I’m a pretty easy-going person, but lately I’ve been pushed to the very edge by my cubicle-mate. She hums while she works, she chews loudly while eating very pungent snacks at her desk, and she engages in loud, personal phone calls all day long. I don’t want to rock the boat, but my work requires me to be able to focus on my tasks and these distractions are making that very difficult!
Ronnie, Spartanburg SC
Dear Ronnie,
There’s a tried-and-true method for solving this problem that my colleagues and I have perfected, and it’s easy to boot. Simply make a deal with everyone else in your office to agree to let your job performances dip so low that your boss has only one recourse — rearranging the cubicle sea. Works every time. You’re probably worried about that poor sap who’ll get stuck with your current problem, but no worries. Those pungent snacks are going to make that nuisance into a fatty so fat she can’t possibly share a cubicle with another person. Done and done.
– Crunchy
Dear Crunchy,
I’ve been having a problem lately at work. Someone’s been stealing my lunch! I clearly label my food in the shared staff kitchen, but it hasn’t stopped a thief from taking off with my meal. I like the idea of saving money by not going out for my lunch, but my staff-wide emails asking the thief to stop aren’t making a difference. What should I do?
Lana, Montpelier VT
Lana,
Do I really need to answer this? Don’t. Eat. Lunch. Duh! Fatty.
– Crunchy
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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I have this odd feeling that I should mosey over to The Refinery.com and see what they have there, but also a nagging feeling I’m not going to find anything I can wear.
I can’t wait for the next one! Is it up? How about now?
Yeah, the last time I was at The Refinery.com, the “plus sizes” section was nowhere to be found. :P
I can’t wait for the next one! Is it up? How about now?
Dear Patty,
I think you should hold yer horses, lady! Life can’t be all about sitting around and writing advice columns!
– Crunchy
I think if I tried to get on Refinery.com, I would be blocked. I’m quite sure Crunchy has some sort of filter in place that can tell how much I weigh by how I type.
Crunchy is a mean old plant killer! PLANT KILLER!
Don’t. Eat. Lunch. Duh! Fatty.
Haha I love it.
Side note: Poor Travis didn’t get a gold medal. :(
Myra, you’re probably right — The Refinery.com totally has demographics filters. Crunchy doesn’t want people like us buying his stuff. :P
Crunchy’s a mean old lots of things, plant killer being just one of many. Heh.
And I don’t think the Ducks are going to win this game. Sigh.
Poor Travis didn’t get a gold medal.
Good. I don’t want any Devils emerging from this spring thinking they’re not losers.
I don’t want any Devils emerging from this spring thinking they’re not losers.
They all know deep down that they are losers. Especially Zach who didn’t even get asked to play for USA.
And I don’t think the Ducks are going to win this game. Sigh.
They had BETTER! After having to lower myself to root for them, I expect them to win.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my many years of experience watching the playoffs after the Devils have been eliminated, it’s that the team you lower yourself the most to root for NEVER wins. So not only do you feel bad about the way the series went, you also feel dirty for the way you sided. :P
I’m dying reading this thing. However, trying to explain to my mother why exactly I’m laughing hysterically is not going well.
Crunchy is a mean old plant killer! PLANT KILLER!
Dear Carol,
Why do you think I don’t have a dog?
Regards,
Crunchy
Why do you think I don’t have a dog?
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Man, I love Crunchy. :D
This intermission show is much more watchable than the NBC/Versus stuff. Much.
Pookie muted the commercials at the end of the period when she got up to move the laundry around, and hasn’t come back. I haven’t heard a word of this intermission, but it looks better than Versus. (Dude, ANYTHING is better than NBC’s intermission.)
Craig Conroy talked about CoreyPerry’s uncontrolled stick and subtle spears.
Did you hear that TSN actually called Corey Perry “Perry” on a number of occasions? I almost didn’t know who they were talking about!
Poopity poop.
I am finding the insistence by announcers on calling Franzen “The Mule” is just as annoying as always keeping the “Corey” attached to the “Perry”.
Poor Getzi. Heh.
For all that the Ducks pay their d-men, they really don’t seem much better than the Devils’ blue line. Oh, wait — that’s because they have Sheldon Brookbank. :P
Wow. It really is hard to believe that a team could ever win without Brian Rafalski.
Geez, how did this team even make the playoffs?!
Whoever wins this one, I’m hoping will win the next one, just to get this series over with.
You’ve got to wonder. Sigh.
how did this team even make the playoffs?!
Should I be glad that I’m not watching this game?
Yes, Amy, unless you’re hoping the Wings win. Hm. Maybe even then.
I’m just hoping this series ends in Anaheim so we don’t have to listen to the Detroit crowd any more than is absolutely necessary.
And seriously, the Ducks are a DISASTER! To a man, they’ve all forgotten how to play hockey.
unless you’re hoping the Wings win. Hm. Maybe even then.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Yeah, this is not an Instant Classic.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Go Ducks!
Wooo.
WOOOOOOO! I can’t believe Ryan Whitney’s the first guy to remember how to play hockey. Getzi should be ashamed of himself.
Now that Osgood has a goat, maybe he’ll let in a couple more. I HATE it when goalies throw up their hands or glare at their d-men. If I were a d-man that got shown up by my goalie, I’d OVER compensate just to show him how lucky he had it before he called me out.
Getzi’s mind is probably clouded by NyQuil.
If I were a d-man that got shown up by my goalie, I’d OVER compensate just to show him how lucky he had it before he called me out.
I’d be the same way. Nothing pisses me off more than when goalies make a big show of letting everyone in the building know that he WOULD have stopped that puck if the A-HOLES in front of him hadn’t been blocking his view.
I HATE it when goalies throw up their hands or glare at their d-men.
ME TOO! I always wish they’d be another d-man standing behind the goalie making those mocking talky hands and rolling his eyes.
Getzi’s mind is probably clouded by NyQuil.
It probably is! Poor groggy Getzi.
I always wish they’d be another d-man standing behind the goalie making those mocking talky hands and rolling his eyes.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: That would be AWESOME!
I always wish they’d be another d-man standing behind the goalie making those mocking talky hands and rolling his eyes.
I’d love it even more if it was the team’s mascot. Could you imagine Sabretooth mocking Crunchy?
I always wish they’d be another d-man standing behind the goalie making those mocking talky hands and rolling his eyes.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Or the next time the goalie lets in a soft one, the d-man should point and laugh.
Crunchy’s one of the absolute worst at doing the “Gah! How was I supposed to stop that?!?” frustrated gesticulating, so it would be PRICELESS if Sabretooth was always there to mock him. Crunchy would probably go all Craig MacTavish on him after a few games.
Crunchy would probably go all Craig MacTavish on him after a few games.
I would LOVE to see that. :D
What? What’d I do? *eyeroll*
ZZZZZZZZ
What, you find it dull listening to Ray Ferraro go on about how crappy Getzi is, Patty? :P
Crunchy would probably go all Craig MacTavish on him after a few games.
I would LOVE to see that!
Same here. Especially if RJ was doing the rip-by-rip commentary.
Fortunately, the game I really want to watch is about to start.
Are feet invisible to these people?! As much as Pookie hates d-men leaving their feet to block shots, I hate the guy with the puck shooting it directly at feet.
DeZizzle wins!
Patty, I’ve tried to explain very carefully to the Sabres that the puck is never, ever, no matter how hard hit, going to go through the person standing in front of them. They don’t seem to get it.
That’s the Wings bread and butter. Right there.
Especially if RJ was doing the rip-by-rip commentary.
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I’m so sad for Getzi. He’s the last thing I really, truly like in these playoffs. I mean, there are some things I kinda mostly like in the playoffs, but they’re not Getzi. :P
JOY!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope that Ryan will answer more questions, more frequently. LOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEEEE his advice!!! You’ve made my weekend.
Heather, there’s no use telling Darryl Sydor that, either. He’s the master of it. I often have time to say out loud, “It’s going to bounce off that guy’s skate!” before he even shoots it.
The playoff beard is definitely helping Chara out. He should definitely consider keeping it.
I think one of the skills the Devils prize above all other in a d-man is his ability to shoot with reckless abandon into the shot-blocking feet of the other team’s skaters. If a guy is too patient or good at getting pucks through or around defenders, the Devils don’t want him.
Sydor to the Devils for Paulie! I think it would be good for both teams. Not for the Ookies, but hey, being a hockey fan is tough.
Craig Conroy? RAWR!
Sydor to the Devils for Paulie! I think it would be good for both teams.
Not. Funny. (Also? Paulie doesn’t shoot into guys’ feet any less than Sydor.)
Paulie doesn’t shoot into guys’ feet any less than Sydor.
Oh. Well, um… how about…………….. hm.
Patty, we’ll give you Havelid and Greene.
Oh. Well, um… how about…………….. hm.
Yeah. If we had someone on the blue line who could get shots through, I’d like the Devils a lot more. :P
Patty, we’ll give you Havelid and Greene.
Wait, BOTH of them??? Why are you trying to unload all of our scapegoats? If Greene’s gone, then Sutter’s going to go back to benching Pando!
If we had someone on the blue line who could get shots through, I’d like the Devils a lot more.
Not that I want to get rid of him, but Spacek is a UFA this year. Lou could make an offer.
Looch’s roster photo looks like he’s saying, “How YOU doon?”
Patty, we’ll give you Havelid and Greene.
Nah. We’ll just let him go as a UFA. Thanks, though.
Yeah, probably a wise choice.
Looch’s roster photo looks like he’s saying, “How YOU doon?”
Sigh. Looch is perpetually saying that. As well as “Why yes, Alix, I would like to assgrab you.”
alix, if by “Alix” he means “Pookie”, yes, that’s true. NHL Network showed him walking in in a suit. That’s right, mcguffers, a suit. People clothes. Not made out of animal pelts. And he wore them well.
People clothes. Not made out of animal pelts. And he wore them well.
To be fare, they didn’t show the animal-pelt patch on the back of his jacket for his hunch.
POOP.
Looch is perpetually saying that. As well as “Why yes, Alix, I would like to assgrab you.”
alix, did you see your Canucks looking all model-y in their suits last night in CBC’s intro to the Canucks game? I wouldn’t mind an assgrab from that bunch after seeing that.
Are you talking about Milan Lucic? Oh dear. He looks a little Neanderthal-ish to me. Have I got the wrong guy? Did you see his eyebrows?
Carol, he’s only like the HAWTEST neanderthal in the NHL! He’s foxy. (A lot of his appeal comes from the fact that he tends to win fights on the strength of his testosterone alone.)
alix, did you see your Canucks looking all model-y in their suits last night in CBC’s intro to the Canucks game?
I don’t know about alix, but I sure saw them and at that time I would <3 an assgrab by the modely Canucks in their suits. Mind you today, not so much. I have hard feelings.
*Typed as I sit here in my pajamas (worn since last night) and I’ve not had a shower since Friday. RAWR!* Seriously. You should see my hair.
Mark Recchi is wearing Getzi’s future hairdo. :P
*Typed as I sit here in my pajamas (worn since last night) and I’ve not had a shower since Friday. RAWR!* Seriously. You should see my hair.
Well that goes without saying. I’m under the impression that makes us only that much more assgrabable. (I say, having talked Pookie and Boomer into having ice cream, potato chips and cake for dinner tonight. Not all at the same time.)
Have I got the wrong guy?
Nope, you’ve got the right guy! Heh. He’s got a bit of the Neanderthal, but he’s also quite the badass. Did you see the footage from the beginning of this season where he knocked the guy through the glass? The other guy was literally picking glass shards out of the back of his neck after Milan was done with him. HAWT! He also has a habit of knocking guys out with one punch. Normally, I’m not into the punching, but when the guy punches once, and then gets to stand over his felled opponent, smoldering and looking like altogether too much man? HAWT!
Mark Recchi is wearing Getzi’s future hairdo. :P
Correction: current hairdo. (I can’t stress enough that I like that Getzi’s bald! You can’t hurt me by making fun of that! :PPP)
he tends to win fights on the strength of his testosterone alone.
Oh. He’s ugly sexy. Got it. Man, he does not photograph well.
http://www.playerpress.com/uploads/Image/lucic.jpg
I can’t stress enough that I like that Getzi’s bald! You can’t hurt me by making fun of that!
It was a compliment! :P
No, he really doesn’t photograph well. That’s his fatal flaw. But that’s okay. I don’t hold that against him.
It was a compliment! :P
Like I believe that.
Carol, that picture of Looch is AWESOME!
Sometimes Looch looks better than that picture Carol posted. (LINK) Hmph.
I trust you guys. Seeing him throw one punch and I’m all *swoon* “He’s so manly!”. And I’ll forget all about those eyebrows.
FYI – Eyebrows that grow together in the middle, AKA, “unibrow” is a sign of lunacy. True story.
For all that I love Looch, I feel like Versus is giving him maybe more credit than he deserves so far in this game…
FYI – Eyebrows that grow together in the middle, AKA, “unibrow” is a sign of lunacy. True story.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Similarly, red hair is a sign of witchcraft. True story. *Witchy cackle* (That’s why Looch and I are perfect for each other — we’re both monsters.)
Eyebrows that grow together in the middle, AKA, “unibrow” is a sign of lunacy.
Well…that explains so much about Staffy.
Well…that explains so much about Staffy.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Staffy’s like, “Not lunacy. ZOMBACY.”
Staffy yes, Milan no. In Milan it’s a sign of deep thoughts. Very deep thoughts. Thoughts like, “My, but Pookie’s ass looks eminently grabbable, methinks.”
alix, did you see your Canucks looking all model-y in their suits last night in CBC’s intro to the Canucks game?
Oh yes. I swooned. RAWR.
Oh and I meant to say that I almost peed my pants reading this. I LOVE Ookie Crunchy!!
I LOVE Ookie Crunchy!!
Wait, there’s a qualifier in there that I don’t understand… how is “Ookie Crunchy” different from “Real Crunchy”? :P
Wait, that was only the second period? I was sure the game was over.
I was sure the game was over.
Oh, it’s over.
New hockey fan: Everybody be quiet! They’re going to tell me some stuff from before I was born! I bet it’s in black and white!
OH MY GOD! WE JUST TURNED ON AN EPISODE OF “MEDIUM” AND PREZ IS ON IT!!!
New hockey fan: Everybody be quiet! They’re going to tell me some stuff from before I was born! I bet it’s in black and white!
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: That’s exactly how it goes. Versus is playing those new fans like fiddles.
Who’s Prez?
He’s from “The Wire”. I was kinda hoping Heather was around to experience our stunned amazement at seeing him. (It’s always REALLY jarring to see people from “The Wire” in non-Wire contexts.)
Erik Cole has a beard of bees.
Erik Cole has a beard of bees.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Okay, a bee beard would be the best playoff beard EVAH!
How is this team even in the playoffs??
Hey. Lucic is from New Westminster. That’s like a 15 minute drive from our place. I’ll start stalking this summer!
Tell him I say hi, Carol! And that I love him. You have our address, right? You can give him that. Tell him to mail himself to me. :P
Erik Cole has a beard of bees.
My favourite comment of the day!!! W00T! Thanks Patty (in Dallas).
LOLLERSKATES!
That’s a great plan, Carol! Hey, he’d be a great portrait subject! I’d like to order some Christmas cards with his portrait. He’d not say no to that, would he?
He’d not say no to that, would he?
Oh. Would I have to get his permission first? That may be a bit weird when I’m hiding in the bushes underneath is bedroom window with my long lens on my camera, no? I’m sure he’d be all undressing in front of the window like a girl in an 80′s teen movie flick. Now that’s a Christmas card, my friends.
You know what else would be an awesome Erik Cole with his Beard of Bees! OH YAH!!
I’ll be sure to offer the variety pack of Christmas cards on my website to satisfy everyone’s Christmas needs this year.
I’ll take a box of those Christmas cards, carol! The variety pack.
I’m sure he’d be all undressing in front of the window like a girl in an 80’s teen movie flick. Now that’s a Christmas card, my friends.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I LOVE IT! I thought the bee beard was the comment of the day, but this one tops it. (And I’m sure if you just sort of whisper a hurried, “Is it okay if I take a picture of you undressing?” while you snap the pics, if he doesn’t say no, you’re totally in the clear.)
I’m sure he’d be all undressing in front of the window like a girl in an 80’s teen movie flick. Now that’s a Christmas card, my friends.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: It’s Christmas in May! (That’s like Christmas in July but with more Looch.)
I’m still laughing about the Beard of Bees comment. And, I think it will be this year’s Halloween costume! I can’t wait!
Wow — a bee beard is a BRILLIANT halloween costume.
A bee-beard Halloween costume? That’s even funnier!
I think it would be too hard to get enough bees for me, so I think I might have to dress Mahmoud up for Halloween. A kitty-sized bee beard is much more manageable. I’d only need five or six bees.
Pookie, :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
HAHAHAHA! The fewer the bees needed, the better, I always say.
Hee! Mahmoud with a bee-beard. LOLS!
I’m watching On the Fly and they’re interviewing Tim Thomas. He almost forgot how to talk.
Good GRIEF Weeksie is pretty.
Yes Weekesie is. Mmmmm… Weekesie.
We might could use Weeksie. How about Sydor for him?
I don’t think Weekesie is ours to trade. I think he’s a UFA. And, as hott as he is… he’s not much of a goalie. :P
We need a backup goalie. That’s at least a LITTLE bit of a goalie. And Sydor’s a UFA, too, so it’s perfect!
Our last crappy backup goalie was smoking hot, so I’d hate for that to change.
Our last crappy backup goalie was smoking hot, so I’d hate for that to change.
Are we speaking of Tobias Stephan? Because that boy is smokin’. I love the Swiss! Damn.
Hello, IPB! How’s everyone doing? I see the playoffs are not shaping up how I wanted them to – even after I sacrificed my best ox on the altar to the Hockey Gods. Hmph.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: and *clapclapclapclapclap* To the whole post. Your timing is most excellent.
I love the Swiss! Damn.
Hands off the Swiss! Youse got the Russians!
what you ladies need is to make up a deck of cards with your favorite assgrabbing-behind-the-barn-testosterone-dripping-unibrow players on them.
just save Holik for the joker card. Lundqvist could be the queen of clubs.
Hands off the Swiss! Youse got the Russians!
True! How about just one Swiss? (One Swiss? Is that even correct?)
I do have the Russians, so I concede Switzerland in this game of hot hockey player Risk to you, Mags.
-Ookies, I cannot believe I forgot to give you mucho claps for this post. Crunchy’s advice-giving never fails to slay me.
Good morning, everyone!
Caitlin, it’s good to see you! And you only sacrificed an ox? That was your first mistake. You can’t expect results for anything smaller than an elephant.
Mags, thanks so much! Thank you for finding that knit boob hoodie. :D
KenF, I’m afraid that Blobby Holik is going nowhere NEAR my assgrabbing-behind-the-barn-testosterone-dripping-unibrow deck of cards. Not even as the joker. :P
Caitlin, it’s good to see you! And you only sacrificed an ox? That was your first mistake. You can’t expect results for anything smaller than an elephant.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Dammit. Rookie mistake, what can I say?
Mags, that boob hoodie is magnificent. I wonder if Crunchy has any quite so fabulous as that in stock?!
One Swiss? Is that even correct?
–adjective
1. of, pertaining to, associated with, or characteristic of Switzerland or its inhabitants.
–noun
2. a native or inhabitant of Switzerland.
So yeah, I guess that’s right.
Thank you for finding that knit boob hoodie. :D
Hee! It wasn’t so much finding as it was “it landed in my inbox disguised as a vogueknitting promo”. But it made me laugh, so whatever. I wasn’t joking when I said I was going to make one (with some mods…)
I wasn’t joking when I said I was going to make one (with some mods…)
I should certainly hope you weren’t joking! When life hands you the opportunity to knit a boob hoodie, you have to take it! :P
I wonder if Crunchy has any quite so fabulous as that in stock?!
If he doesn’t, that would really be very disappointing. I think he’d love this one though. I dug out the magazine it’s in to find it only comes in sizes XS and S.
you’ve piqued my curiousity, whats the correct url? i got forwarded to: http://www.re-finery.org/
which is, ummm. i dont know what it is.
you’ve piqued my curiousity, whats the correct url
http://www.shoptherefinary.com
When life hands you the opportunity to knit a boob hoodie, you have to take it! :P
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I think he’d love this one though. I dug out the magazine it’s in to find it only comes in sizes XS and S.
Crunchy’s like, “We’re just encouraging people by letting them have the option of the small, aren’t we? “
http://www.shoptherefinary.com
refinery* Damn my spelling.
Crunchy’s like, “We’re just encouraging people by letting them have the option of the small, aren’t we? “
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::: Too true. That 34″ chest measurement is just excessive!
I think he’d love this one though. I dug out the magazine it’s in to find it only comes in sizes XS and S.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Crunchy’s highly suspicious of the size S one. Sounds fat. :P
You guys, I have to complain — they seemed to have changed the soap in the dispenser in the break room and bathroom here, and it smells like rye bread. This is so not cook.
got there, having trouble getting past the prices. those are priced in rubles, right? or crunchy dollars that you get at chuck-e-cheese?
still trying to locate boob hoodies… not enough shoes, IMO
Crunchy’s like, “We’re just encouraging people by letting them have the option of the small, aren’t we? “
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
got there, having trouble getting past the prices. those are priced in rubles, right? or crunchy dollars that you get at chuck-e-cheese?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And this is ostensibly for college students, or at least that’s what Crunchy said it was when he started the business. Heh. (And :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::: to the shoes!)
Mags, he’s kidding me with these prices AND these typos, right?!
$215.00 for a pair of ugly pants? Is Crunchy hallucinating from lack of food, or was he just born mental?
still trying to locate boob hoodies
I couldn’t find them anymore. Total bummer, they were comedic gold.
Mags, he’s kidding me with these prices AND these typos, right?!
I KNOW! The only way that’s ok is if his SysAdmin is dyslexic!
they seemed to have changed the soap in the dispenser in the break room and bathroom here, and it smells like rye bread. This is so not cook.
What? Ewwww! I hope you’ve made the appropriate complaints…
Ours is just the nasty Ghostbusters-II-esque pink ooze, but at least it smells sort of nice.
And this is ostensibly for college students
Dude, a shirt there is worth a month of blood donations. I mean, come on. Even college kids have priorities. And let’s face it, Crunchy, weed is going to win out over your extra-small shirt every time for your average college kid.
And let’s face it, Crunchy, weed is going to win out over your extra-small shirt every time for your average college kid.
As it should! :P
they seemed to have changed the soap in the dispenser in the break room and bathroom here, and it smells like rye bread.
Uncook! Who do you complain to to have it changed to proper stuff?
And this is ostensibly for college students
Yeah right. Maybe if I don’t eat for a month. Which I guess Crunchy thinks I shouldn’t do regardless of the price of my clothes.
Which I guess Crunchy thinks I shouldn’t do regardless of the price of my clothes.
Crunchy heard about Mia Farrow’s hunger strike and thought, “Wait, doesn’t everyone do that all the time? That’s just a regular cleanse for me!”
Crunchy heard about Mia Farrow’s hunger strike and thought, “Wait, doesn’t everyone do that all the time? That’s just a regular cleanse for me!”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Man, once Crunchy finds out I ate OMG a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch he’s totally going to block me from shoptherefinery.com and I’ll never be able to look at ugly, overpriced jeans again! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Mia Farrow’s hunger strike would have been a smashing success had she been wearing a pair of these jeans and the boob hoodie.
and a nice pair of pumps. mmmm.
I’ll never be able to look at ugly, overpriced jeans again
God, the horror – I don’t know that I’d be able to keep on living.
Mia Farrow’s hunger strike would have been a smashing success had she been wearing a pair of these jeans and the boob hoodie.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
God, Mia Farrow! Would it kill you to be a little more stylish while protesting?
Little known fact but all the clothes from the Refinery also smell like rye bread.
Little known fact but all the clothes from the Refinery also smell like rye bread.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: That’s how Crunchy eats — by infusing his clothing with the smell of food.
Little known fact but all the clothes from the Refinery also smell like rye bread.
So Crunchy’s been hanging out in Schnookie’s work bathroom? Poor Schnookie!
(Hey, Pookie! Long time no see. How the hell are you?)
God, the horror – I don’t know that I’d be able to keep on living.
I can’t liiiiiiiiiiive if living is without yooouuuu!
(Hey, Pookie! Long time no see. How the hell are you?)
Doing faaaaaaantastic! And you? I get to leave work in less than an hour! Woo-hoo!
Lindsay Lohan should learn a good lesson from Mia Farrow, when someone asks why she’s pathetically skinny, she should just say she’s been on a 4 month hunger strike, surviving only on daily doses of cocaine and whiskey.
Crunchy would be so proud of her.
mmmm. rye bread dyed clothing. and CrazyShirts thought they had that corner of the market with their Chocolate and Coffee dyed shirts. (which smell wonderful, at least until they’re washed a few times)
I get to leave work in less than an hour! Woo-hoo!
What? I’m envious! Have fun being off work early! Things are going pretty well here – I can’t complain.
Chocolate and Coffee dyed shirts
I had no idea there WAS such a thing! The things you learn… huh!
Thanks for reminding me, with all this talk of chocolate shirts, of the chocolate bar I had at my desk — I’d forgotten all about it. Mmmm… breakfast. Wait, no… *Looks at clock* Mmm… brunch.
Dude, the hell? I just went over to Puck Daddy looking for something to read to kill a few more minutes in my day, and I think too much exposure to the Caps has eroded Wysh’s brain — is he actually defending the Caps fans throwing shit on the ice after the OT loss the other day?
Dear Carol,
Why do you think I don’t have a dog?
Regards,
Crunchy
Because I think he starved it to death with his ‘fat’ obsession. Poor dog. I wonder if it had to run on a treadmill between marathon walking sessions.
Crunchy could never be a cat owner.
Dude, the hell? I just went over to Puck Daddy looking for something to read to kill a few more minutes in my day, and I think too much exposure to the Caps has eroded Wysh’s brain — is he actually defending the Caps fans throwing shit on the ice after the OT loss the other day?
I read it briefly. I think it’s the ‘passion’ argument again. I’m ready to believe he’s a victim of Stockholm syndrome – doesn’t he live in the DC area?
is he actually defending the Caps fans throwing shit on the ice after the OT loss the other day?
He seems to be offering some justification, which I don’t get. We all graduated past kindergarten. We all learned that just because you’re mad doesn’t make it acceptable to throw shit, especially because it can hurt other people.
I can understand being frustrated at your team or at the officiating. I cannot understand, however, chunking shit at the ice or at opposing players.
(Unless, of course, we’re talking about hat tricks. Then I’m all for lobbing a hat.)
I’m ready to believe he’s a victim of Stockholm syndrome – doesn’t he live in the DC area?
I think that’s exactly it.
Loooovvvveeeeee it!!!! Every time I drive past a McDonald’s, I hear that Crunchy interview in my head. “Ugh, I had to eat McDonald’s for breakfast.”
I have this vision of Marty and Crunchy forced to live together for some period of time – one one of them would wind up killing the other.
Howdy, IPB. I hope we’re all having a good day.
When I went to the temporary Buffalo location of The Refinery, there was some moderately affordable stuff, but also a metric shitload of unaffordable stuff. (Unaffordable by me and my income, at least.) I was doing my best to hide my poorness as I walked around the store, lest Papa Crunchy throw me out on my derriere.
On a related note, Papa Crunchy is quite foxy in person. Despite the fact that he is old enough to be my father.
On a related note, Papa Crunchy is quite foxy in person.
Does Papa Crunchy have wonky eyebrow syndrome too?
Every time I drive past a McDonald’s, I hear that Crunchy interview in my head. “Ugh, I had to eat McDonald’s for breakfast.”
Heh. Crunchy was probably glad to have the “McDonalds” in there for a qualifier. Normally he’s like, “Ugh, I had to eat food for breakfast.”
Papa Crunchy is quite the silver fox. He doesn’t have wonky eyebrows, but he does have Crunchy-esque manmitts. :D
He doesn’t have wonky eyebrows, but he does have Crunchy-esque manmitts.
Rrrrrawr! Well hello there, Papa Crunchy!
Crunchy was probably glad to have the “McDonalds” in there for a qualifier. Normally he’s like, “Ugh, I had to eat food for breakfast.”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Normally he just has to hook up his feeding tube in his stomach to the IV bag of nourishment. That’s so hawt, Crunchy.
I have this vision of Marty and Crunchy forced to live together for some period of time – one one of them would wind up killing the other.
You’re two goalies away from creating a Bravo show called “The Real Goalies of the NHL.”
You’re two goalies away from creating a Bravo show called “The Real Goalies of the NHL.”
:p
Several years ago, when Pretty Ricky DiPietro was just starting out (and Messier was still playing, although at the very end) someone did a fantasy take-off on one of the reality shows where they put people in a house together and let mayhem result. In this case, it was a bunch of pro hockey players, Marty, Messier and Pretty Ricky were there. I remember very little but everyone in the house hated pretty Ricky.
I think “The Real Goalies of the NHL” needs to happen.
You’re two goalies away from creating a Bravo show called “The Real Goalies of the NHL.”
The only way this can get awesomer is if they made Bryzgalov and Crunchy room together.
The only way this can get awesomer is if they made Bryzgalov and Crunchy room together.
Breezy: “*nomming* Why you have to be mad?”
Crunchy: “*deathglare* You’re getting food on me”
Imagine the scene between Crunchy and Marty after Marty goes food shopping and Crunchy sees what Marty has brought home. It has evil calories. Lots of them.
Who would be the 4th goalie?
it was a bunch of pro hockey players, Marty, Messier and Pretty Ricky were there. I remember very little but everyone in the house hated pretty Ricky.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: How the hell did “Rock of Love”, “Daisy of Love” and “Flavor of Love” make it and this one did not?? WTF??
Who would be the 4th goalie?
I vote for either Turco or Biron.
Who would be the 4th goalie?
Can I vote Ray Emery, just to raise the douche factor?
Breezy: “*nomming* Why you have to be mad?”
Crunchy: “*deathglare* You’re getting food on me”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Then Breezy just starts talking nonsense about ducks and Crunchy gets stabby.
How the hell did “Rock of Love”, “Daisy of Love” and “Flavor of Love” make it and this one did not?? WTF??
Concurred! I’d rather see this anyday!
Who would be the 4th goalie?
Pretty Ricky? … I dunno. Who’s crazy enough to round that out?
Can I vote Ray Emery, just to raise the douche factor?
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Hey guys! I got a jump start on my Halloween costume. I found bug netting for my beard of bees costume. TRUE STORY! I found it at the dollar store! Huzzah.
No way! That’s awesome, Carol! Surely that’s a sign that other good things are to come today — good things like the Pens winning?
It looks like the Pens are constantly playing down a person. Have they had a shot on goal yet?! Come on, Pens!
It’s never too early to get started on Halloween costumes, especially when they’re bee beards. :D
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, HOW much do I hate the Caps? So much that I’m cheering for Butthead. Heh.
SHOUT OUT! SHOUT OUT! SHOUT OUT!
Are the playoffs still going on?
Yes, mcguffers, they are. I can’t believe we’re still only in the second round.
Egh. Wake me in July.
Was it Razor that gave IPB a shoutout? He loves this place!
He does, Patty! He’s really the only one who ever gives us shoutouts anymore.
Wake me in July.
How about June 30th, so you’re awake for UFA Day?
I have a completely pessimistic attitude about UFA Day. I may want to sleep until July 2nd.
WOOOOO! Boucher shoutout!
Crap. I hope Crosby’s not badly hurt!
C is for clusterfuck and that’s good enough for meee! I bet Crosby is going to start crying that line changes on the fly aren’t fair.
Hmph. I guess if I was actually paying attention with the sound on, I might have noticed that crappy change was because Sid was hurt. Still wouldn’t have cared, but anyway.
I bet Crosby is going to start crying that line changes on the fly aren’t fair.
The way this series has gone, I’m surprised the Caps haven’t whined about that yet.
I think the Caps have lapped the field in the whining race.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Caps don’t whine. They emphatically point out injustices in the system.
I think the Caps have lapped the field in the whining race.
Yeah, they can’t even see the field in their rearview mirror anymore. Again.
I think the Caps have lapped the field in the whining race.
Everyone else is race-walking and the Caps are driving Formula One cars.
Ok, Hub swears that Razor just said “the chics say that Lucic has animal magnetism.” Doc gave an appropriately stunned response.
I really do think Razor reads IPB.
Wow, Myra, I think that is all the proof we need!
Hey, Razor’s totally right about Looch. It’s undeniable! :P
Doc gave an appropriately stunned response.
Word, Doc. Word.
Doc gave an appropriately stunned response.
Word, Doc. Word.
Please. Doc was just afraid that he’d accidentally blurt out, “Damn straight! Looch is SO foxy!”
Well, Doc is an animal lover.
Well, Doc is an animal lover.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The refs would solve a lot of this series’s problems by being willing to call 2 and 2.
Shit, sorry guys! The Pens were winning while we had Daily Show/Colbert on and then 30 seconds after we turned the game back on the fucking Caps scored! DAMMIT! OK, more Daily Show for us!
we turned the game back on the fucking Caps scored! DAMMIT! OK, more Daily Show for us!
No! Ookies, come back!! Wait, they said Lucic is going to be doing the play by play for the rest of the game. And they’re not going to be showing the game, just him in the booth. Wearing nothing but boxer briefs *dry heave* made of animal pelts *throws up in mouth* while doing a lap dance for Doc. *goes into coma from that mental picture*
Whoa. Hi guys. Holding my breath.
mcguffers, :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Carol, I too am holding my breath because I have the worst case of the hiccups. First the stupid fucking Caps are winning and then I get the hiccups. What next?!?
Wearing nothing but boxer briefs *dry heave* made of animal pelts *throws up in mouth* while doing a lap dance for Doc. *goes into coma from that mental picture*
Oooh. That’s the hawtest thing I’ve heard all day. I’m so sorry you had to torture yourself with it, mcguggs. (I wonder if Looch will ever have his own team of ice girls, who wear ice-girl outfits made of pelts. I want to try out for that team.)
I have the worst case of the hiccups
Nine sips of water and three deep breaths.
First the stupid fucking Caps are winning and then I get the hiccups. What next?!?
An assgrab by Pierre McGuire? Those hiccups would be gone. And you may pass out from fright, though.
An assgrab by Pierre McGuire?
That’s the most horrible thing I could possibly ever imagine.
Free advice – for the next fantasy league contest, you do NOT want the Canucks defence. I’m sorry, but they are lame. Skip over Beiksa & Edler. Jeez.
Yeah!!! It’s fucking tied!! Woo Hooo!! Let’s keep this game going allllll night!!! Maybe by the end of this game Sid will have a full beard!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What? Tied? Amazing!
Hey, whaddya know? My hiccups are gone. Thanks, Pierre! *shudder*
I wonder if Looch will ever have his own team of ice girls, who wear ice-girl outfits made of pelts.
By “pelts” do you mean flesh from the women he’s kidnapped and left in his basement?
Hey, whaddya know? My hiccups are gone. Thanks, Pierre! *shudder*
You’ll feel better after a little cry in the shower, Pookie.
Hellooooo IPB!!!! I’ve been away since Friday in Vermont with no web access. It’s hard to watch hockey games and not have access to the delightful commentary here.
Hi Joan! Do you have Dudley hidden away for me? Please? No where uncomfortable or anything, just out of reach of the Blackhawks. PLEASE?
By “pelts” do you mean flesh from the women he’s kidnapped and left in his basement?
You mean Mike Komisarek?
Hey Joan! Being without interwebs is almost — almost — as bad as being assgrabbed by Pierre. (We are very carefully avoiding the game right now.)
Okay. I don’t think I can stand OT.
Nice block by Boucher. Speaking of hawt.
Oh for crap’s sake.
What’s happening in your game, carol? It doesn’t sound too good. But it’s early! Still plenty of Brahms to be played!
Yeah, like Mike Komisarek would have to kidnap women. I’m sure his average pick-up routine goes something like:
MK: “Hey, ya wanna-”
Random woman: “Yes. Definitely I do.”
Random woman’s friend: “As do I.”
Derek Roy: “Me too!”
Carol, Dudley is shadowing me right now – he suffers from abandonment issues when I am away…..so when I come home, he is like gum on your shoe. By the way, I had my cat sitter put ice cubes in his water bowl on Saturday just to remind him that the Hawks were playing. Uhh, I think it worked so we did it again tonight.
Oh wait — I’d forgotten that your boys were playing tonight, Carol! I’m sure Ol’ Wax Hands will get the job done. I mean, you’re in Chicago tonight, right? That means way less trash thrown on the ice. :P
That means way less trash thrown on the ice. :P
That’s not trash. That’s the Bruins. And they don’t get thrown. They skate out on their own.
Gawsh, I wish they were playing tonight!!
And they don’t get thrown. They skate out on their own.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Derek Roy: “Me too!”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Well, it’s tied now. But the Canucks were ahead by 1 earlier. This seems to be the way they go. They can’t seem to hang to a lead these days.
Somebody forgot to turn on Engblom’s mike. Or should I say, “forgot.”
Yeah, like Mike Komisarek would have to kidnap women.
I meant that Looch had skinned Komisarek after keeping him in his basement for a while. :P
You know who I want to give credit to? The Cleveland Cavaliers. They were all hyped up to do well, so you know what they did? They swept their first and second round opponents. And LeBron James is supposed to be the awesome player. So he goes out… and plays awesomely.
I meant that Looch had skinned Komisarek after keeping him in his basement for a while. :P
:^:::::::::::: my mistake!
And yes, if I looked like Looch, I would want to make a suit out of Komisarek so I could cover myself with Komo’s radiant beauty.
Somebody forgot to turn on Engblom’s mike. Or should I say, “forgot.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Or Engblom’s head varmint ate it.
Head varmint! :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And yes, if I looked like Looch, I would want to make a suit out of Komisarek so I could cover myself with Komo’s radiant beauty.
Please. Looch didn’t mean to. He’s just so much more of a man that it accidentally happened.
FUCK me.
Bummer, Pens.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Boudreau: WE WON THE CUP! WOOO! Oh.
Fuck me. Hockey blows.
Boudreau: WE WON THE CUP! WOOO! Oh.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Of course, Boudreau would say, “I won the Cup!” :P
True, Schnookie.
Looch didn’t mean to. He’s just so much more of a man that it accidentally happened.
I hope he doesn’t use that excuse when someday getting questioned for PEDs. “No, kidnapping and skinning Mike Komisarek was purely an accident because of my, uh, extreme manliness. And I was stoked about saving a bunch of money by switching to Geico.”
Woah. I’m not sure where Engblom got his tie, but I’m willing to bet there’s a bridesmaid somewhere who’s missing her sash.
“No, kidnapping and skinning Mike Komisarek was purely an accident because of my, uh, extreme manliness. And I was stoked about saving a bunch of money by switching to Geico.”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I’m willing to bet there’s a bridesmaid somewhere who’s missing her sash.
Teehee mcguffers! LOLLERSKATES.
BOMP.
That. Sucks.
Hockey makes Schnookie sad tonight. :(
Hockey makes Schnookie sad tonight. :(
WORD. :-(
On the bright side, Patricia Arquette is wearing the same pajamas as the ones I have on right now in the episode of Medium we’re watching. :P
And now the Tranny Arranged marriage is falling apart.
Whoa! What the? Tied? WooHoo! Come on guys!
The Canucks better NOT be teases.
Dudley the dowry cat has just had his treats and is ready for the 3rd period. Look out Canucks!
“Dudley the dowry cat”! I LOVE IT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Come on…wax hands!
Oh Dudley…you temptress!
Luongo can be such a ham sometimes.
He didn’t give up, did he? The first show didn’t work so he tried it again. :P
This game is CRAZY.
CRAP. This is just brutal.
Boy, that Pete Kane’s a good.
Sorry, carol. And alix, if you’re around.
Thanks Patty. This one stings. And stinks.
Time for the sad handshakes.
So sorry. It always bites when your team reaches the end of the road.