I am a college student with very little discretionary income, and I have been invited to spend the upcoming holiday weekend at my roommate’s parents’ house in the Hamptons . I know it’s polite for me to bring a gift of thanks for my hosts, but my gift budget is pretty tight. What would you recommend?
Dierdre, Hartford CT
Looch not see this as problem. Looch see tight budget as opportunity to be creative with gift. Last time Looch invite friend to
lair bell tower house, Looch so touched by host gift given — can of premium motor oil. That what Looch would bring if going to Dierdre’s friends’ house. If Dierdre’s friends’ house specially fancy, Looch suggest Dierdre go to thrift store and find pretty bowl for serving motor oil too.
With summer approaching, my annual seasonal anxiety is rearing its ugly head. You see, I love fresh melon, but I have no idea how to choose them in the grocery store! Help!
Bev, Fresno CA
Looch also love melons. Looch love melons so much. Looch not have trouble getting melons now that Looch NHL star, but back when Looch just baby hunchback band geek, Looch only able to dream of melons. Looch get advice from teammates about where to get best melons, and now go only to strip club they recommend. Looch hit
melon-iest prettiest stripper over head with hockey stick to get her to go back to Looch’s hovel pit apartment with Looch, but if Bev not have hockey stick on hand, brick work just as good.
In an effort to eat more healthfully this year, I’m trying to work more fish into my diet. Do you have any recipes or serving suggestions?
Gladys, Salt Lake City UT
Fish very good for Gladys. Good for Gladys to eat more. Looch eat lots of fish because fish full of oil that make Looch’s
pelt hair shiny. Looch have favorite fish recipe:
1 fish head, skeleton attached
Combine fish head and plate. Eat.
My wife is from a very well-to-do family and every year we must attend a large family gathering at a swanky club in Manhattan. I love my wife and her family, but I dread this annual tradition. I can never remember which forks to use and it makes me so nervous. Help!
Joseph, Oyster Bay NY
Looch feel Joseph’s pain. Looch also nervous about using forks. Looch usually opt for no fork as
paws hands do just fine. But Looch also know life as NHLer means fancy-dancy dinners with no notice, so every night before going to sleep in back of cave, Looch study table setting diagram and Looch not let Looch go to sleep until all forks are memorized for one more night. Looch suggest Joseph do the same.
I’m hosting a family reunion this summer and I don’t know how to send out the invites. There are so many hyphenated names, and doctors, and unmarried cohabitants. It’s too much to keep track of! Is there some way to politely address these invites without having to deal with specifics?
Polly, Telluride CO
Looch love parties! Especially parties with hot unmarried cohabitants! Send invite to Mister Doctor Looch-Looch c/o Looch’s Sinkhole, Boston. Consider this Looch’s RSVP. But if Looch was in Polly’s shoes, Looch would write a big X in the recipient’s favorite color on a rock and would then throw rock at recipient’s
cave house. Recipient will be so impressed with the artful delivery, recipient won’t quibble about address. Problem solved the Looch Way!
I absolutely adore columbines, and have a number of them planted in my yard. I like to cut them and bring them inside to enjoy more, but they die so quickly! What can I do to get my cut flowers to live longer?
Marjorie, Carson City NV
Looch very sad to say best advice Looch can give to keep flowers alive is to keep Looch away. Flowers die whenever Looch look at them. Looch sad. Looch not mean to kill pretty flowers! Also, Looch hear a pinch of baking soda in water will work wonders.
I am constantly bullied by my co-workers. What can I do to fight back more effectively?
Mike K., Montreal QC
Dear Mike K.,
[Insert one devastating punch here.]
Hugs and Kisses, Looch