Today fans of 29 teams across the NHL are breathing a little sigh of relief that theirs wasn’t the team named in the recent steroid-dealer bust down in Tampa, while the unlucky Caps fans are stuck trying to rationalize all the reasons why there’s no way their beloved boys could possibly be dopers. The fact is, though, the scandal is only just beginning, and it’s only a matter of time before the witch hunt heads north on 95. In an effort to head off the storm before it arrives, we’d like to present one reason for each Devil as valid as any of the ones we’ve seen tossed out in the blogosphere today that proves he can’t possibly be doping. (We’re using the roster currently on the Devils website. Yes, we realize several of these players might not be our problem, depending on how quickly that witch hunt makes its way to Newark.)
David Clarkson: He’s too pretty to take steroids.
Patrik Elias: Anything he takes is totally legal and is follow-up treatment for his Hep.
Brian Gionta: Steroids make you big and strong. He’s only small and strong.
Blobby Holik: He’s retired and we refuse to ever think about him ever again.
Jamie Langenbrunner: Steroids help you heal faster. He was back in the lineup a day after arthoscopic surgery. If he was doping, he’d have had the surgery during a game.
John Madden: Old Maddog isn’t nimble enough to administer syringe-based drugs, and ‘roids don’t come in easy to drink milkshake form. Shut up! They totally don’t!
Jay Pandolfo: Look, Pando doesn’t come out of a syringe. Okay?
Zach Parise: Steroids make you faster. And somebody we know lost the Fastest Skater Superskills Competition.
Brian Rolston: We completely — and we mean completely — forgot he’s a Devil. It was a shock to find him on the roster at all, so he doesn’t count.
Mike Rupp: No one with a Cup winning goal on his resume has tested positive yet, so he must be in the clear.
Brendan Shanahan: Since when is having wooden teeth a performance-enhancer?
Travis Zajac: He’s always talking nervously about his off-season training regimen to work on his beach body. We have strong suspicions about Travis. We have spies on the beaches of Winnipeg who sent us this picture. It bears an uncanny resemblance to #19, does it not?
Dainius Zubrus: He wanted to sign with the Devils as a UFA. Clearly he’s not up on the current trends in the sporting world.
Andy Greene: Please. Her?
Niclas Havelid: Have-who? Total doper. See ya.
Paul Martin: You honestly think this guy is doping?
Mike Mottau: Would a guy on ‘roids have a pug named Nellie?
Johnny Oduya: He’s too clumsy to be able to hold onto a syringe long enough.
Bryce Salvador: He’s the Iron Boar, not the Andro Boar. Duh!
Colin White: He hasn’t had a ‘roid rage-y incident in years. He’s clearly not doping. Anymore.
Marty Brodeur: If steroids are supposed to help with recovery time, then how, if he’s juicing, do you explain him missing over 50 games this year? If he was doping, he’d have missed three or four games tops.
Kevin Weekes: Weekes can’t swim. Swimmers dope. Ergo, Weeeks can’t dope.