There is nothing to watch on television tonight. How is this possible? Isn’t this supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? Screw you, playoff scheduler.
Archive for May, 2009
Oh no, our East Coast bias is showing! Wings/Hawks got nothing but drunken babble, but Pens/Canes gets its own open thread. Because that’s how we roll here in the Eastern Time Zone.
Okay, so we may be only halfway through the playoffs, but summer seems to have hit stately IPB Manor with full force today. Case in point, we had green garlic pesto for dinner tonight, with red wine, and afterwards there was some discussion of how to handle the post-pesto fallout. This was our exchange:
Pookie, slurring: I just discovered that the flavors of minty mouthwash and chocolate chips adds up to… peanut butter.
Schnookie, stumbling over herself: No, half a bottle of wine plus minty mouthwash plus chocolate chips equals peanut butter. You’re not factoring in all the parts of the equation here.
I’m a beautiful young woman trapped in an abusive marriage to a much older man. My husband drinks a lot, and consorts with other women, and is generally a terrible low-life. I would try to leave him, but I’m afraid he’ll kill me. What should I do?
Diana, New York NY
Wow. That sounds like you’ve got a real problem there. Um. You say your husband is older. How much older? Maybe you should just hope that his advanced age and hard-living ways will catch up to him?
I work in an office that’s rife with gossip. The bosses don’t do anything to discourage people talking about their colleagues behind their backs; in fact, I sometimes think the bosses encourage that kind of culture in order to better keep tabs on their reports. I otherwise like the job a lot, but I’m growing increasingly uncomfortable about all the interoffice chatter. What should I do?
Nathan, Evanston IL
Ugh, I totally know what you’re talking about! People here are always being all per se this and per se that. My advice is, they’re going to talk about you anyway, so you might as well have fun doing it. Go out and crash a frat party or two. I’m pretty sure it won’t effect your job performance. I hope it won’t effect your job performance…
Your response gave me such hope that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for me! I’m dabbing prettily at my tears right now just thinking of it. I’m really quite young and voluptuous, and I’ve made such a terrible mistake binding myself in matrimony to such a monstrous ogre. Do you really think there’s any chance that he might die soon? Because that really would solve all my problems.
Diana, New York NY
Oh no. Don’t cry. That makes me very uncomfortable. As far as I know, everybody dies. Especially mean old men. So I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen eventually for you. But, uh… when you say you’re young and voluptuous, how young and voluptuous are we talking about?
My young children are desperate to get a dog like all their friends, but I’m afraid they’re not responsible enough yet, and I’m not interested in the care that a dog requires. What pet would you recommend to appeal to children but be low-maintenance?
Babs, Sparta NJ
Why are you asking me? I don’t know anything about pets for small children. Oh, right, I’m kinda the advice giver heree. [Shrugs]. Just, you know, do whatever.
Diana, New York NY
I’m planning a wedding with my fiance, and we’ve hit an irreconcilable dispute. You see, he wants to use his grandmother’s silver napkin rings at our reception, but I’ve already picked out gold flatware. Is it okay to have clashing metals in the place settings at the reception, or will that completely doom our marriage?
Andrea, Manassas VA
What’s the problem? You are totally making a molehill out of something small here. I mean, just have a party. With tables. And napkin rings. And flatware. Like, just relax. I don’t see a problem. It’s napkin rings and flatware. It’s not a problem.
So can you help me? Can you help me find a way out of my marriage?
Diana, New York NY
Yes. Yes I can. But you have to promise me that in the very unlikely event that anyone figures out I was the one responsible for, uh, solving your problem, that you’ll confess everything to the police.
Remember that time with that girl and her husband and the murder and all that? Remember that? I, um… think I may have done it again. Help?
Farts, Sing Sing NY
Sorry, I’m in the Bahamas with this hot chick, Diana. I’ll see what I can do for you when I get back.
I hear it’s really hard for teams to dominate in Game 7′s on the road. Is that true?
Alex, Washington DC
Not for me it isn’t.
I am a college student with very little discretionary income, and I have been invited to spend the upcoming holiday weekend at my roommate’s parents’ house in the Hamptons . I know it’s polite for me to bring a gift of thanks for my hosts, but my gift budget is pretty tight. What would you recommend?
Dierdre, Hartford CT
Looch not see this as problem. Looch see tight budget as opportunity to be creative with gift. Last time Looch invite friend to
lair bell tower house, Looch so touched by host gift given — can of premium motor oil. That what Looch would bring if going to Dierdre’s friends’ house. If Dierdre’s friends’ house specially fancy, Looch suggest Dierdre go to thrift store and find pretty bowl for serving motor oil too.
With summer approaching, my annual seasonal anxiety is rearing its ugly head. You see, I love fresh melon, but I have no idea how to choose them in the grocery store! Help!
Bev, Fresno CA
Looch also love melons. Looch love melons so much. Looch not have trouble getting melons now that Looch NHL star, but back when Looch just baby hunchback band geek, Looch only able to dream of melons. Looch get advice from teammates about where to get best melons, and now go only to strip club they recommend. Looch hit
melon-iest prettiest stripper over head with hockey stick to get her to go back to Looch’s hovel pit apartment with Looch, but if Bev not have hockey stick on hand, brick work just as good.
In an effort to eat more healthfully this year, I’m trying to work more fish into my diet. Do you have any recipes or serving suggestions?
Gladys, Salt Lake City UT
Fish very good for Gladys. Good for Gladys to eat more. Looch eat lots of fish because fish full of oil that make Looch’s
pelt hair shiny. Looch have favorite fish recipe:
1 fish head, skeleton attached
Combine fish head and plate. Eat.
My wife is from a very well-to-do family and every year we must attend a large family gathering at a swanky club in Manhattan. I love my wife and her family, but I dread this annual tradition. I can never remember which forks to use and it makes me so nervous. Help!
Joseph, Oyster Bay NY
Looch feel Joseph’s pain. Looch also nervous about using forks. Looch usually opt for no fork as
paws hands do just fine. But Looch also know life as NHLer means fancy-dancy dinners with no notice, so every night before going to sleep in back of cave, Looch study table setting diagram and Looch not let Looch go to sleep until all forks are memorized for one more night. Looch suggest Joseph do the same.
I’m hosting a family reunion this summer and I don’t know how to send out the invites. There are so many hyphenated names, and doctors, and unmarried cohabitants. It’s too much to keep track of! Is there some way to politely address these invites without having to deal with specifics?
Polly, Telluride CO
Looch love parties! Especially parties with hot unmarried cohabitants! Send invite to Mister Doctor Looch-Looch c/o Looch’s Sinkhole, Boston. Consider this Looch’s RSVP. But if Looch was in Polly’s shoes, Looch would write a big X in the recipient’s favorite color on a rock and would then throw rock at recipient’s
cave house. Recipient will be so impressed with the artful delivery, recipient won’t quibble about address. Problem solved the Looch Way!
I absolutely adore columbines, and have a number of them planted in my yard. I like to cut them and bring them inside to enjoy more, but they die so quickly! What can I do to get my cut flowers to live longer?
Marjorie, Carson City NV
Looch very sad to say best advice Looch can give to keep flowers alive is to keep Looch away. Flowers die whenever Looch look at them. Looch sad. Looch not mean to kill pretty flowers! Also, Looch hear a pinch of baking soda in water will work wonders.
I am constantly bullied by my co-workers. What can I do to fight back more effectively?
Mike K., Montreal QC
Dear Mike K.,
[Insert one devastating punch here.]
Hugs and Kisses, Looch
My great aunt enjoys giving me excess food from her garden. Most of the time this is welcome, but every summer she insists on giving me bushels of cucumbers. I have tried telling her that no one in my family enjoys eating them, but every year there she is giving us more. Do you have any suggestions of what I should do?
Betty, Monsey NY
I hear that cucumbers can be used as stain removers. I don’t know if it works but oops! I just spilled my red wine all over your shirt. Now you’ll just have to take that wet shirt off so I can put a cucumber all over it.
My fiancee and I have been planning our wedding for almost a year now. It’s always been her dream to get married in Mexico. A year ago it seemed like a cheap way to have a destination wedding so I agreed with her plan. But as the big day is creeping closer, I’m getting increasing nervous about the safety of having our friends and families going to such an unstable country for our wedding. Do you think I should express my concerns now and risk upsetting Renee, or should I trust her that the reports on the news are overblown?
Pete, Austin TX
That fiancee is putting you in a real tough spot, man, what with all that international politics and shit. She’s probably not worth it. I think you should break it off because who wants to be tied down when you can be running free? I can see how you might be nervous about telling her you’re getting cold feet, so just give her my number. I’ll talk to her. Isn’t that right, Rennie baby. What’s that, baby? Renee? Whatever, baby, whatever. Hey, look, my shirt fell off.
My wife is getting really upset me with simply because I prefer, when in the comfort of my own home, to go nude. I was raised by very conservative parents, in a very stifling environment. Now that I’m a successful adult with my own life and my own house, I think I should be able to live by whatever rules I set. Shouldn’t my wife understand that I’m just happier to not have to wear a shirt at home?
Orel, Pocatello ID
Rock on, brother. Rock on.
Are electric toothbrushes better than regular ones?
Kelly, Erie PA
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
My office has weekly meetings at which one coworker keeps bringing donuts. I appreciate the food, but I’m not a big fan of donuts. Would it be rude of me to ask if he could bring bagels instead?
Marlene, Rockford IL
Here’s what I would do if I were you. I’d go into my boss’s office, take off my shirt, sit at his desk, put my feet up, pick up the phone, and call my boss. On his own phone. When he finally figures out how to answer his own phone when I’m calling him from it, I would then demand that my boss have the donuts changed to bagels. With champagne. And demand a raise. Then I’d tell him to move his stuff out, because his office is mine now. If my boss was a woman, I’d also tell her to take off her blouse.
With all the scary news in the world today, I’m thinking I should have an emergency preparedness kit in my home or car. What should I put in it?
Angela, Paterson NJ
Being ready for emergency situations is a really important thing, and something we should all take seriously. My emergency preparedness kit is something I keep with me at all times, just in case of a sudden, unexpected nuclear apocalypse. I also have a plan of action, something I practice regularly so it will be easy to undertake even when I’m panicking. The action is that my shirt will oops! fall off. And my preparedness kit is CoreyPerry. I figure if there’s no food in this nightmare world, I can just eat him. Of course, he thinks I make him go everywhere with me because we’re “friends” — in a situation like that, it’s probably best not to tell the person that you’re just keeping them around for food.
I sometimes get the sneaking suspicion that my best friend only keeps me around to be food in case of dire emergency. Am I crazy?
Corey, Anaheim CA
Yes. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.
– Corey, Anaheim CA
I’m not saying it.