Wherein IPB Is From The Future « Interchangeable Parts

Wherein IPB Is From The Future

July 8, 2009 by Schnookie

All kinds of people seemed to be in a state of panic about Travis filing for arbitration, so we decided to go to the future to see what a possible Travis/Lou arbitration hearing would be like. Of course, we figured it probably wouldn’t get to arbitration at all, and thought we’d come back from the future with reassurances that everything ends well. Sadly, Gentle Reader, what we learned is that there is very good reason to panic. We sat in on some contract negotiations between Travis and Lou, and they did not go well. Here’s a transcript:

LOU: So where do we stand? What are your demands, Mr. Zajac?

TRAVIS uncomfortable: Please Mr. Lamoriello, Mr. Zajac is my father. Call me Master Zajac. I learned that from Zach.

TRAVIS’S AGENT: Let’s just get down to business, shall we?

LOU: Yes. Let’s.

TRAVIS’S AGENT: My client is asking for a four-year, 12 million acorn deal.

TRAVIS: With a new box of block crayons every year.

LOU, stone-faced: Well, I’m afraid our best offer is four years, $12 million. No acorns. Take it or leave it.

TRAVIS’S AGENT: Um…

TRAVIS, slamming his hands on the table and rising angrily to his feet: NO! Only acorns!

TRAVIS’S AGENT: We’re through negotiating, Mr. Lamoriello. See you at arbitration.

TRAVIS, over his shoulder as he storms out: Yeah. And bring a box of block crayons.

LOU: ???

Posted in From The Future, Off-Season, Peanut Gallery, Travis Zajac | 67 Comments

67 Responses

on July 9, 2009 at 8:38 am Grrrreg

Hmm, Travis is really inflexible… With the acorns salary cap expected to decrease after this season, it’s going to be hard for Lou to afford him!
on July 9, 2009 at 8:40 am Schnookie

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: So true, Grrrreg! Unless Travis can accept that there are limited numbers of acorns available, it’s going to be an ugly summer for Devils fans.
on July 9, 2009 at 8:43 am SueNJ97

I’m trying to imagine the negotiation with other GMs:

Sather offers him 20 million acorns or $20 million, take is or leave it.

Burke tells him he needs to get tougher and punches him. And his agent.
on July 9, 2009 at 8:47 am Schnookie

Burke tells him he needs to get tougher and punches him. And his agent.

Poor Travis! It’s hard out there in the real world. (In as much as anyone can call the world Brian Burke lives in “the real world”…)
on July 9, 2009 at 8:52 am Grrrreg

In as much as anyone can call the world Brian Burke lives in “the real world”…

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Yeah, that’s an important precision!
on July 9, 2009 at 9:27 am Amy

Travis should hold out for the coloring book or a ream of paper. He’s going to need something to use those crayons on. Unless Lou lets him do a mural on the locker room wall or something.
on July 9, 2009 at 9:48 am Schnookie

Travis should hold out for the coloring book or a ream of paper.

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: He’s like, “Color? No, the crayons are for eating.”
on July 9, 2009 at 10:11 am SueNJ97

In as much as anyone can call the world Brian Burke lives in “the real world”

I just had a momentary vision of the alternative reality that Burke inhabits and all I can say is, someone, please, medicate me, now.

Nobody should ever, ever have to actually live there. Not if they are sane.
on July 9, 2009 at 10:17 am Caitlin

He’s like, “Color? No, the crayons are for eating.”

Are his favorites the macaroni and cheese crayons? :D

(And :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: to this entire post.)
on July 9, 2009 at 10:26 am Schnookie

Well, who doesn’t love the mac-and-cheese crayons best? I know they’re my favorite!
on July 9, 2009 at 11:06 am Caitlin

I bet the brick ones taste awful.
on July 9, 2009 at 12:35 pm Pookie

He’s like, “Color? No, the crayons are for eating.”

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Paulie’s like, “Careful, block crayons are a gateway drug to paste.”
on July 9, 2009 at 12:35 pm Schnookie

Man, there is nothing worse than getting hit in the face with a brick block crayon.
on July 9, 2009 at 12:36 pm Amy

Same with the dirt ones.
on July 9, 2009 at 12:47 pm mcguffers

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Nicely done.

For as horrific as this season was, who knew the off season would be worse?

And I just saw a video tribute to Saku. F%$# you, Bob Gainey. Here’s a thought: Maybe Komi left because he didn’t want to give 13 years of his blood, sweat, and tears only to retire with the f#$%ing Ducks.
on July 9, 2009 at 12:50 pm Schnookie

Paulie’s like, “Careful, block crayons are a gateway drug to paste.”

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

And the dirt block crayons are especially dreadful. Although I’d rather eat them than the worm ones.

I have to say, I feel like the world’s least sentimental fan. Here Grrrreg and mcguffers are pissed that Saku Koivu won’t retire a Hab, and meanwhile I’m like, “Oh, did we lose four career Devils, with seven Cup rings between them, over the last three free agency periods? Well… good riddance to those piles of puke! I hated them anyway!” :P
on July 9, 2009 at 1:00 pm mcguffers

“Oh, did we lose four career Devils, with seven Cup rings between them, over the last three free agency periods? Well… good riddance to those piles of puke! I hated them anyway!” :P

:^:::::::::::::::::: I didn’t see the “over the last THREE free agency periods” at first, so I was going to say I hope you’re not trying to compare your loss of Scott Clemmensen to losing Saku Koivu.
on July 9, 2009 at 1:18 pm Schnookie

I was going to say I hope you’re not trying to compare your loss of Scott Clemmensen to losing Saku Koivu.

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I’ve already forgotten that guy. Clemmenwho? :P
on July 9, 2009 at 1:23 pm Pookie

I have to say, I feel like the world’s least sentimental fan.

In the immortal words of Stephen King writing as E. Annie Proulx, “It’s bidness, pardner.”
on July 9, 2009 at 1:26 pm Schnookie

In the immortal words of Stephen King writing as E. Annie Proulx, “It’s bidness, pardner.”

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: So true. :D
on July 9, 2009 at 1:49 pm Caitlin

I was feeling unsure of our Alex Auld signing and then I read that Clemmensen was high on the list for the Stars. Thanks to IPB, I know Clemmensen is a worthless pile of crap, so yay, Auld!

Paulie’s like, “Careful, block crayons are a gateway drug to paste.”

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
on July 9, 2009 at 1:59 pm SueNJ97

What’s the gateway drug to Kool-Aid?
on July 9, 2009 at 2:04 pm SueNJ97

I just saw a picture of Pronger in the (very orange) Flyers’ jersey. He also looks orange. It isn’t an improvement.
on July 9, 2009 at 2:04 pm Myra

I think Auld’s will be a good fit, Caitlin. I read an interview from the Ottawa paper yesterday. (I’ll forward it when I get home.) And he sounded like he and Turco would be a good match. We had him on the Ice Trolls for quite a while last year, so we had our eye on him. He did pretty well.
on July 9, 2009 at 2:23 pm Caitlin

Ooh, how exciting, Myra! That’s so good to hear.

What’s the gateway drug to Kool-Aid?

Tang?
on July 9, 2009 at 2:32 pm mcguffers

What’s the gateway drug to Kool-Aid?

Cults.
on July 9, 2009 at 3:14 pm Pookie

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
on July 9, 2009 at 3:37 pm Mags

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: All of you.
on July 9, 2009 at 4:11 pm Amy

Aiiieee! The Sabres Twitter is live-tweeting the Baby Sabres scrimmage this afternoon. There’s “live” hockey on!

And Kotalik signed with the Rangers. Is it too much to ask that an errant shot of his take out Avery or Drury?
on July 9, 2009 at 4:14 pm SueNJ97

And Kotalik signed with the Rangers. Is it too much to ask that an errant shot of his take out Avery or Drury?

No, it isn’t. What I want to know is, where is Sather getting this money from? Doesn’t he have RFAs to sign…or is he planning on having Wade Redden killed?
on July 9, 2009 at 5:26 pm Grrrreg

I feel like the world’s least sentimental fan. Here Grrrreg and mcguffers are pissed that Saku Koivu won’t retire a Hab, and meanwhile I’m like, “Oh, did we lose four career Devils, with seven Cup rings between them, over the last three free agency periods? Well… good riddance to those piles of puke! I hated them anyway!” :P

I’m surprised to be this sentimental… I thought following a lousy soccer team for so long had completely turned my heart into stone and made me completely cynical about pro sports. But no. Silly me! :P
on July 9, 2009 at 5:39 pm mcguffers

And Kotalik signed with the Rangers. Is it too much to ask that an errant shot of his take out Avery or Drury?

I think we’d have a better shot if we sent James Patrick to join the Rangers coaching staff. Haha Zing! Get it? Cause Jeep hit Goose during practice? And Goose got injured? And… actually it wasn’t that funny.
on July 9, 2009 at 5:40 pm Patty (in Dallas)

If it makes you feel any better, Grrrreg, I get a little misty for a couple of ex-Stars. I was feeling all sorry for Boucher when he got traded, but now he’s had his Stanley Cup party so I guess it worked out okay.
on July 9, 2009 at 5:56 pm mcguffers

I thought following a lousy soccer team for so long had completely turned my heart into stone and made me completely cynical about pro sports. But no. Silly me!

I never cry at movies, but the Olympic closing ceremonies? I’m a blubbering idiot.

I guess the Koivu thing brings back the LaFontaine thing. The big stubborn dummy should NOT have retired a Ra… Ran.. *throws up in mouth* ahem… a Ranger.
on July 9, 2009 at 6:04 pm SueNJ97

The big stubborn dummy should NOT have retired a Ra… Ran.. *throws up in mouth* ahem… a Ranger.

Friends don’t let friends retire a Ranger???

I guess that should only apply to players who weren’t drafted by NY. I admit it seemed a little strange to see Brian Leetch play for anyone else – and I’m glad he had the good sense to say ‘no’ when Lou and JV approached him about playing for NJ.
on July 9, 2009 at 8:34 pm mcguffers

I guess that should only apply to players who weren’t drafted by NY.

Yeah, we’ll let Mike Richter slide.
on July 10, 2009 at 7:47 am Schnookie

Hey! Good morning, everyone! I have to say, I’m so glad it’s Friday and this entire misbegotten week is coming to an end. Did anyone else find this week to be really strange, or is it just me (and the feeling that my life has been turned kind of inside-out thanks to my bathroom remodel)?
on July 10, 2009 at 9:33 am Pookie

Did anyone else find this week to be really strange

I blame the weather. It’s almost the middle of July and it’s gorgeous out! Wha-huh?!? :D
on July 10, 2009 at 9:42 am Schnookie

It’s almost the middle of July and it’s gorgeous out! Wha-huh?!?

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
on July 10, 2009 at 9:52 am Myra

Good morning ladies, how’s the remodel going? Anymore bizarre discoveries?

It has been an odd week for me. I’ve spent the last couple of days going through pictures of technical furniture, cropping them and downloading them onto our new website. We go live this weekend. I think I’ve gone cross-eyed in the process.

Plus, there has been reasonably good hockey news here with the signing of the backup goalie and announcement of the pre-season schedule. Very strange in deed. I’ve grown accustom to only bad hockey news.

In sad news, one of our baby birds died. :(
on July 10, 2009 at 9:53 am Caitlin

Did anyone else find this week to be really strange, or is it just me (and the feeling that my life has been turned kind of inside-out thanks to my bathroom remodel)?

This whole week has been kooky. Is your bathroom remodel done yet?

It’s almost the middle of July and it’s gorgeous out! Wha-huh?!? :D

We got RAIN the other day. RAIN!

I got a crazy piece of e-mail last night from a real person who gushed over how much they love my blog. Kudos, Person, that’s very nice of you. However, this person also told me they are looking for a girlfriend who’s just not any old girl, and would I be interested in exchanging pics and getting to know each other better?

Face, meet my steaming hot cup of coffee. I think he wants to show me the meaning of pure, true love. I think I’m going to say “pass”, myself. :O
on July 10, 2009 at 9:56 am Pookie

I think he wants to show me the meaning of pure, true love.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Myra, that’s so sad about the baby bird! It was probably a Rangers fan, though, so maybe it was for the best? :D
on July 10, 2009 at 9:58 am Caitlin

It was probably a Rangers fan, though, so maybe it was for the best?

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Baby Bird, from beyond the grave: I say, Pookie! I shall ask you not to impugn my good name!

(Poor little bird.)
on July 10, 2009 at 10:00 am Myra

I think he wants to show me the meaning of pure, true love.

Obviously. I think you better pass on that one, too. :P

It was probably a Rangers fan, though, so maybe it was for the best? :D

Poor thing probably realized it and couldn’t go on. On a happy note, one of the others successfully solo’d this morning.
on July 10, 2009 at 10:12 am Amy

It’s almost the middle of July and it’s gorgeous out!

We’re supposed to have nice weather today and then rain tomorrow. Yay.

I’m beginning to think that when I go to Michigan at the end of the month I should be packing a rain slicker, rain boots, t-shirts and jeans instead of shorts and tank tops.
on July 10, 2009 at 10:23 am Pookie

Maybe the Refinery Dot Com can sell you a waterproof boob hoodie that doubles as a flotation device?
on July 10, 2009 at 10:57 am Schnookie

Myra, that sounds like a grueling week! And I’m so sorry about that baby Ranger fan bird. Poor little thing. Although I suppose the world IS better for not having another Ranger fan. Heh.

Caitlin, I can’t believe you don’t want to go out with your romantic blog admirer! They’ve got nothing but pure, true love to share with you, and you’re all, “Pfft, crazy internet stalker.” It’s such a great opportunity! :P

This is really the summer for traveling with a waterproof boob hoodie/flotation device, isn’t it?

And as for my bathroom, when I left it this morning it looked like this. I’m no expert, but I’d say we’re not quite done yet. I’m home from work now, though, and there’s a lot of hammering coming from upstairs — I hope that means walls are going in!

And now it’s time for me to head out to the farm, and then to finally commit to a new vanity at Home Depot.
on July 10, 2009 at 11:49 am Amy

the Refinery Dot Com can sell you a waterproof boob hoodie that doubles as a flotation device?

I’m actually going to make a return visit to the Refinery Dot Com’s brick and mortar location. Maybe I’ll pick one up there, provided of course, that the store is open this time. If it’s not, Crunchy and I will be in a FIHT and no amount of wonky eyebrow wrangling will get him into my good graces.
on July 10, 2009 at 1:05 pm Pookie

Crunchy wouldn’t do that to you twice! He’s not a monster! That’s Toni Lydman.
on July 10, 2009 at 1:40 pm Caitlin

you’re all, “Pfft, crazy internet stalker.” It’s such a great opportunity! :P

Well, I have been feeling like I need to have someone following me around, cutting my brake lines and popping up at inopportune moments. (I hear it’s for “my own good”.)

Maybe the Refinery Dot Com can sell you a waterproof boob hoodie that doubles as a flotation device?

The flotation device would only be for someone weighing up to 20 lbs. Any more than that, and Crunchy would deem a person unworthy of survival.
on July 10, 2009 at 1:47 pm SueNJ97

It may come as a shock but…we now have a goalie to sit on the bench and carry Marty’s golf clubs. Former Isle Yann Denis has been signed, although apparently Weekes may still be back…but why?

Oh, yeah. According to the Star-Ledger, Lou still isn’t in any hurry to hire a coach. Of course, that could mean one was hired last week and they just haven’t announced it.
on July 10, 2009 at 2:03 pm Schnookie

The flotation device would only be for someone weighing up to 20 lbs. Any more than that, and Crunchy would deem a person unworthy of survival.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Absolutely! And really, is he wrong? :P

I think it’s a wise idea for Lou to sign as many of those weird, random Isles goalies as possible, since they all seem to be Devils-killers.
on July 10, 2009 at 2:26 pm Caitlin

And really, is he wrong? :P

Crunchy and his eyebrow are never wrong. NEVER!
on July 10, 2009 at 2:38 pm Schnookie

Crunchy and his eyebrow are never wrong. NEVER!

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

So my bathroom has drywall now! And drywall without mold, to boot! I never thought I’d see the day!
on July 10, 2009 at 2:59 pm SueNJ97

I think it’s a wise idea for Lou to sign as many of those weird, random Isles goalies as possible, since they all seem to be Devils-killers.

Oh, absolutely. The fact that they can’t beat anyone else is meaningless, since they won’t get to play, anyway.

So my bathroom has drywall now! And drywall without mold, to boot!

Woooohooooo!!!! It’s a whole new era…
on July 10, 2009 at 4:02 pm Schnookie

It’s a whole new era…

:^:::::::::::::::::::: Maybe my bathroom mold was somehow proportionate to how sucky the Devils were in the playoffs? Maybe being mold-free will make the team better? Just the way I can make the team better by wearing my lucky socks… :P
on July 10, 2009 at 4:04 pm Amy

So my bathroom has drywall now! And drywall without mold, to boot!

Whoo-hoo! :::Throws fresh drywall colored confetti around:::

And Pookie, you were right that Schedule Day is Wednesday. His Bettman-ship is having a press conference at Fenway to announce the Expletive Deleted Stupid Ice Bowl III and the rest of the schedule.
on July 10, 2009 at 4:23 pm SueNJ97

Maybe my bathroom mold was somehow proportionate to how sucky the Devils were in the playoffs?

Wouldn’t surprise me.

I’m convinced the entire Stanley Cup Playoffs, all 4 rounds (but, especially NJ, of course) was the cause of Eric’s constipation. Then, it was probably made even worse by the awards show…which finally led to his trip to the vet. It had to be.
on July 10, 2009 at 4:36 pm Schnookie

His Bettman-ship is having a press conference at Fenway to announce the Expletive Deleted Stupid Ice Bowl III and the rest of the schedule.

Are we all supposed to act surprised when he announces it? :P

Sue, there’s no question that the playoffs were causing bodily harm to anyone unlucky enough to exposed to them, Eric included. It’s always the innocent bystanders who get most badly hurt, isn’t it?
on July 10, 2009 at 4:41 pm SueNJ97

It’s always the innocent bystanders who get most badly hurt, isn’t it?

Absolutely. I’m thinking of sending the vet bill to the Devils except Lou would probably demand to have Eric examined by ‘team vets’ and then recommend Kool-Aid, immediately.
on July 10, 2009 at 5:19 pm Mara

I’ve only been popping in to lurk about once in a while lately, but I just *had* to unlurk today because Weekes just admitted in his twitter feed that he can’t swim.
on July 10, 2009 at 6:04 pm KG

I was at a store today and saw a box of crayons, and just started cracking up since I had just read this post. Needless to say, I got some weird looks. :P
on July 11, 2009 at 7:25 am Grrrreg

Good morning!

And Bob did it again: we have 2 new players, Travis Moen and Paul Mara! This offseason is whacky…

I don’t know much about them, but Mara appears to grow legendary playoffs beards. I can’t wait to watch him in the cup finals next season.
on July 11, 2009 at 1:15 pm Schnookie

Weekes just admitted in his twitter feed that he can’t swim.

Yeah, he’s mentioned that in a lot of places. I seem to recall it came up in a training-camp interview with Matt Laughlin last year… We just about died laughing. :D

KG, I’m glad that we can help make your crayon experiences that much more hilarious. :P

And Grrrreg, I think it’s pretty cool that the Habs are going to have a 100% brand-new lineup next season. They’re thoroughly washing off the stink of their own failures, and absorbing the stink of all kinds of other teams’! :P (I think Paul Mara’s a guy with a year-round bushy beard.)
on July 11, 2009 at 2:15 pm Mara in PDX

OMFG WE HAVE MARA???

Guess how many seconds elapse before I get a Paul Mara Devils jersey.

I don’t really have an opinion on the guy except for the fact that HE HAS THE GREATEST NAME EVER.
on July 11, 2009 at 2:21 pm Mara in PDX

NEVER MIND. I should pay more attention to who is posting things. Mara to the Habs.
on October 25, 2009 at 10:45 pm ZessnuBre

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