1-2-3 Hockey: 39 of 39
After months of talking about it, we finally tried our hands at homemade Devils logo bokeh, to celebrate the start of the hockey season tomorrow.
Instead of a crankypantsy season preview for you, Gentle Reader, we are presenting an exclusive peek behind the scenes of this year’s Devils. That’s right, it’s 38 Things You Don’t Know About The 2009-2010 Devils!
1. Zach Parise doesn’t actually know how to play cribbage. He just moves his peg on the board as many space as Travis did on his turn, and then adds five more.
2. Jacques Lemaire is waiting until he’s on his deathbed to admit that he did, in fact, intend to kill hockey. It will not, however, come as a surprise when he makes the confession.
3. Brian Rolston thinks he’s better than you at everything.
4. Brendan Shanahan is on the Devils roster again this year. [ETA: Or, um, not.]
5. Bryce Salvador is in the process of legally changing his name to The Iron Boar.
6. Rob Niedermayer isn’t sure who is scamming whom in this Rob Niedermayer/Lou Lamoriello relationship.
7. Rob Neidermayer isn’t sure who is who in the Rob Nediermaeyr/Lou Lamoriello relationship. In fact, he thinks in that relationship he might be Tycho Brahe.
8. Yann Danis is smizing.
9. Scott Stevens does not know what smizing is.
10. Egg Pelly has dead eye.
11. Larry Robinson cursed this franchise.
12. Last year we correctly predicted Brian Rolston’s goal total, but incorrectly predicted that Vincent Lecavalier would be captain of the Devils. We will not make that same mistake twice. This year’s new future captain of the New Jersey Devils is Duncan Keith.
13. Bobby Holik is planning on making a midseason return to the NHL this year. At the rate he’s going, Lou seems likely to sign him.
14. Patrik Elias’s groin will remain wonky until the Devils trainers allow Patty to get back on his foecal oyster diet.
15. Jamie Langerbrunner spent his summer having the crotch taken in on his crankypants.
16. Johnny Oduya’s off-season home is an exact replica of Dr. No’s volcanic lair.
17. If all goes according to plan, Nicklas Bergfors will complete his correspondence-school certification as a court reporter by the end of February.
18. Colin White thinks the “C” on Jamie Langenbrunner’s sweater stands for “choker”. When he told him as much, Langer tried to start a fight over it, but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth battling the truth.
19. Jacques Lemaire already has his costume picked out for the team’s mandatory Halloween
Bag Skate Party. Ahoy, Captain Bligh!
20. Travis Zajac thinks he has a great idea for his costume for the team’s mandatory Halloween
Bag Skate Party, but he’s not quite sure how dress as a sexy first-round playoff loss.
21. Zach Parise’s invite to the team’s mandatory Halloween
Bag Skate Party will go missing thanks to a turtle butler being nervous about being mistaken for a bobbing apple again.
23. Scott Stevens wants you to think he’s taking notes while watching games. He isn’t.
24. The Devils were the NHL’s first choice to appear in this year’s Winter Classic. Making it happen, though, would have been a logistical nightmare, as many of the Devils players are severely allergic to playing in televised hockey games.
25. David Clarkson wants to petition the league to change his name to David Wraparound. If his application is denied, he’d like to change it to Wraparound Wraparound. If that doesn’t work, he’ll try out Wraparound Dos-Tres.
26. Mike Mottau wear black shoes with brown pants.
27. Andrew Peters wears brown shoes with black pants.
28. In the comfort of his own home, Paulie Martin wears brown shoes with no pants.
29. Martin Brodeur is not going to bother learning the name of his new head coach, although he thinks he may have met that guy somewhere before.
30. Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond thinks “Emrick” is a name like falling down the stairs.
31. Jay Pandolfo is nervous and excited about embarking on his new solo career.
32. Mario Tremblay can’t wait to run Marty Brodeur out of town. He keeps walking up to Marty and saying, “Finish this sentence: ‘This is my last game in…’”
33. Ilkka Pikkarainen is imaginary.
34. Andy Greene always calls dibs on the seat in the very back of the bus, in the hopes that it will earn him some currency with the cool kids. Zach Parise always calls dibs on the seat right next to the head coach. The cool kids try not to make eye contact with him when they file past him to hang out with Greene.
35. If there is a banana peel on the ground anywhere in the world, Dainius Zubrus will find it and slip on it.
36. Paulie Martin thinks it’s hilarious that the team is out of shape.
37. The team thinks it’s hilarious that Paulie Martin has no finish.
38. The Devils are going to surprise no one by not winning the Atlantic Division this year.