The one and only good thing to come out of Brent Sutter’s morbid obsession with rendering Jay Pandolfo obsolete last season was that PandoNation was forced to face directly into the void and answer some very difficult questions. Questions like, “In the absence of our benevolent emperor/god, whose nation should we become.” And the answer presented itself with a Mona Lisa smile and a whiff of macrame; so the corrupt ruling priest class of PandoNation calmly formed AcornsNation on the side. Just to be ready when the time comes. And now that the terrible news has come down from on high that Pando will be out for 4-6 weeks, AcornsNation is ready to step up (while PandoNation spends the next month and a half raging a holy war against RuppNation).
Sadly, though, PaulieMartinNation had no such back-up plans in place, and is now emperor-godless for the next 4-6 weeks as well. It’s time to start looking at contingency plans, and here Pookie, the head corrupt ruling priestess of PaulieMartinNation, will give her opinion of each of the candidates, extemporaneously, as each player’s name is read aloud to her:
Niclas Bergfors: Oof. He’s upgraded from “sell” to “don’t sell”, but he’s not emperor-god material. Emperor-gods must stay upright at all times. And a have a minimum of, like, 25 NHL games.
David Clarkson: He’s a tasty morsel! He’d look good in a toga. I think he has the godlike appearance that an emperor-god requires, but not the consistency. Also, I’d have to fight Frisby for ClarksonNation, and I’m not ready to wage an all-out war.
Matt Halischuk: Who? NO!
Jamie Langenbrunner: That’s not even funny.
Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond: *Cracks up*
Rob Niedermayer: That’s just wrong on so many levels.
Zach Parise: *Heavy sigh* That’s a tough one. It seems like ZachPariseNation is a global superpower democracy. It’s no one’s Nation to own.
Egg Pelley: Well… he meets the 25 game requirement. Um. *Loooong pause* I don’t… My mind is strangely blown by the idea of EggNation.
Andrew Peters: No.
Ilkka Pikkarainen: There is no emperor-god in Lowell.
Brian Rolston: Please. I may be a Devils fan, but I have some self-respect. He is the single worst hockey player ever.
Travis Zajac: He’s taken! I don’t have the proper block crayons to fill out the citizenship forms for AcornsNation.
Dainius Zubrus: *Extremely long moment of contemplation* You know, I’d seriously consider him, but I don’t think there’s been a single moment when I’ve noticed him on the ice this season. I like my emperor-god to be visible to the human eye.
Mark Fraser: He’s foxy, but doesn’t meet the 25 game requirement.
Andy Greene: He’s not tall enough. *Pause* *Shifty eyes* You must be taller than… Andy Greene to be emperor-god. I mean, all of the statues we would erect of him would be miniature. We have massive bronze stores in PaulieMartinNation and we want to be able to use them.
Mike Mottau: *Hopeful* Isn’t he also injured?
Johnny Oduya: It would be a lateral, safe move. And he is putrid, so when Paulie comes back, if he’s also putrid, I would be able to view that as a normal baseline.
Bryce Salvador: Oooh! I didn’t even consider IronBoarNation! *Pause* Our money would kick ass. My one concern with him is that he blocks shots too much, which I hate. There would be a tough relationship then between me and my emperor-god. He’s a very strong choice. I daresay an Iron one.
Colin White: *Long, inscrutable silence* He’s like… *Longer, more inscrutable silence* I fell like he’s a little like Miracle Max. I feel like he’s kind of outside the emperor-god kingdom. If I want a really stay-at-home, never-try-anything-fancy d-guy, I’ll remember Miracle Whitey. But until then…
Martin Brodeur: If Zach is a global superpower democratic Nation, Marty is an intergalactic federation. Of starships. Also, I’d worry about the dormice population in PaulieMartinNation. They’re a protected species there.
Yann Danis: Why not just stick with Paulie then? What would be the difference?
I’d be getting concerned that the leaders of your nations keep getting assassinated. Also, every time I see the name Bergfors, I think of that book Bergdorf Blondes, which is weird because you guys have Leblond too.
Oh my god. You’re right, mcguffers. Someone is trying to kill our emperor-gods! Someone hates these oil cans!
(I think PL3 and Bergfors are Bergdorf Blonde types. Whatever that means.) (And I always think “Boogerfors” whenever I see the name Bergfors, so there you go.)
And I think Pierre-Booger Labooger-LeBoog when I see Pierre-Luc Latourneau-Leblond.
Pierre-Booger Labooger-LeBoog
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: If I was a Devils fan, I would definitely be getting that on a jersey.
Someone is trying to kill our emperor-gods! Someone hates these oil cans!
Maybe Goose sent Peters as a mole to destroy from within!
Pierre-Booger Labooger-LeBoog
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Go Trannies!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stupid Caps.
be nice to mr bergfors…someone way smarter than me could go back in time here in the blogosphere and find find occasions when people were saying ‘tsk tsk’ and suggesting a certain sticky substanace to help the swedish born defenseman hold on to his stick…while his time has not yet come, this bergfors fellow will be pleasing to your sight sometimes next season if not later this year
don, we kid Bergfors because we love him. Maybe. Someday. Heh. But at least he warrants teasing! I mean, he wasn’t dismissed out of hand! There’s that!
And dude, did the Caps steal the Blackhawks’ annoying goal song?
Could this Versus feed sound any more like a Caps home feed? Sheesh!
The Celtics are back tonight, so I’ve been neglecting hockey. Is Brooks Laich still hot? (heh heh.)
Is Brooks Laich still hot?
No.
Heh.
How are the Celtics looking this year?
How are the Celtics looking this year?
Quite lovely. Garnett is back and Ray Allen should be cloned.
Oh, and one of Versus’s “Pleasant Surprises” is a Fire Clown. Go Penner! One of their “Surprisingly Bad” players was a Fire Clown. Sorry Ryaneee Cloweee. I agreeee.
I agreeee.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
This game blows.
I’m blaming Versus’s crappy camera work for that Caps goal.
I vote for Oduya on the basis of his eyelashes alone. And talk about some lovely statuary. :)
The pulchritudinousness of the statuary is a huge motivation for moving to Oduyaland. But the badassery of the statuary of IronBoarsylvania is also a draw. I’m going to have to audition those guys in the next few games before drawing up an emperor/god contract.
Myra, that’s really good thinking. I mean, just the eyelashes alone will use up tons of PaulieMartinNation’s bronze surplus!
Would the official greeting of Oduyaland be, “Oduya do?” Heh heh heh ha. Sorry, RJ loves that one.
You betcha, mcguffers! Which is another strong incentive to move to IronBoarsylvania.
Don’t apologize, mguggs. We’re still, however many games into his Devils career, saying “Oh DO you?” every time his name is called in play-by-play. You know, with the same cadence as Max Fischer when he’s snarking at Luke Wilson’s OR doctor in “Rushmore”. “These are OR scrubs.” “Oh ARE they?” Just like that. And it’s NEVER funny, but we ALWAYS say it anyway.
Argh. The Celtics seem to have forgotten that there are 4 quarters in basketball and Jason Pominville is their lead (not) scorer right now.
Just like that. And it’s NEVER funny, but we ALWAYS say it anyway.
My brother has a way of remembering movie quotes very incorrectly, so then it becomes funnier to use his lines. Instead of Napoleon Dynamite’s “Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!” became “Whatever I want, dammit!”
I like the sound of IronBoarsylvania. It brings a sense of impending doom.
I like the sound of IronBoarsylvania. It brings a sense of impending doom.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::: It really does. You totally want to turn around on the highway at the last exit before IronBoarsylvania.
You totally want to turn around on the highway at the last exit before IronBoarsylvania.
Like West Virginia.
Exactly like West Virginia. But less scary.
Hi guys! Well, at least it was Osgood getting pulled. I think he may have the flu. I always liked Osgood.
Like West Virginia.
Or EggPelleyWorld.
Hi Carol! I think Osgood wishes you were doing all his press for him. He’s like, “Yeah! The flu! That’s the ticket! I’ve had the flu for the last year!”
Or EggPelleyWorld.
Her?
Exactly like West Virginia. But less scary.
Seriously. You may get maimed in IronBoarsylvania, but you won’t get eaten by some mutant whose parents were related before marriage. The only bad part about our trip to NC, was that WV is on the way.
Or EggPelleyWorld.
:^::::::::::::::::::::: That sounds like an amusement park. I bet they have really good fried Twinkies.
The only bad part about our trip to NC, was that WV is on the way.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I felt that way about Louisiana when we drove (out of our way) from Arizona.
I felt that way about Louisiana when we drove (out of our way) from Arizona.
I love that you included the “out of our way” on that because I was about ready to consult an atlas.
Well, I wasn’t going to mention that Louisiana is not, in fact, on the way from Arizona to New Jersey, but then I thought some smartass around here would call me on it. :P
Where would you find a smartass around here?
::throws a rock::
::chorus of “ows!”::
Heh.
And on that note, I’m turning in early after staying up waaaaay too late laughing at Getzi last night. Good night, everyone!
::throws a rock::
::chorus of “ows!”::
Heh.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Good night! And Canucks lose. :-(
David Clarkson: He’s a tasty morsel! He’d look good in a toga. I think he has the godlike appearance that an emperor-god requires, but not the consistency.
Bring it on beeyatch!
Also, I’d have to fight Frisby for ClarksonNation, and I’m not ready to wage an all-out war.
Oh, wait, nevermind. ;)
don, we kid Bergfors because we love him. Maybe. Someday. Heh. But at least he warrants teasing! I mean, he wasn’t dismissed out of hand! There’s that!
I think that’s enough that you should claim Bergforsland! He’s playing with two top Devils scorers now and when (err um, if) he starts putting up points and people want to start hopping on the Bergfors train, you can charge admission.
Hm, charging money to bandwagon with Bergfors is a good idea, but I’m not sure I’m ready to bet that there will ever be a Bergfors Express. I think I’ll stick to hedging my bets between Oduyaland and IronBoarsylvania. For the time being. I reserve the right to excommunicate myself from either at any moment. ::wails silently “come baaaack, Paulie, come baaaaaaack”!::
Good morning, everyone! I get to spend my afternoon being trained on using Office 2007! I predict 3 minutes of content that I don’t know, and 2 hours and 57 minutes of hell.
I like my emperor-god to be visible to the human eye.
But when Zubie is visible, he’s very pretty. And you can’t go wrong with a pretty EmperorGod.
And are we all ready for the Devils/Sabres epic battle tonight?
Good morning, everyone!
And are we all ready for the Devils/Sabres epic battle tonight?
Hellz yeah! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Bring it on! (Of course, the more pertinent question is probably whether the Devils are ready for the Devils/Sabres epic battle tonight, and without Paulie, I think the answer is a most emphatic “NO”. Heh.)
Emperor-gods must stay upright at all times.
…and Pando never falls down? the only way he’d stay on his skates is if you tied them on his ass. *ducks the flying PandoNation ashtrays and beer cozies*
and i’m predicting Bergfors Express will be the hot ticket before the season is over. as long as Elias doesnt convince him (as he obviously did to Zach) that its a requirement after every missed goal to stare at the ceiling, quite like a fainting goat.
…and Pando never falls down? the only way he’d stay on his skates is if you tied them on his ass. *ducks the flying PandoNation ashtrays and beer cozies*
Eh, this post is all Pookie’s requirements for an emperor-god. Speaking as the highest officer of the corrupt ruling priest class of PandoNation, I think emperor-gods who manage to stay on their feet the majority of the time are suspect. But don’t tell her I said that. (And that’s not meant as an endorsement of Bergfors, either!)
as long as Elias doesnt convince him (as he obviously did to Zach) that its a requirement after every missed goal to stare at the ceiling, quite like a fainting goat.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: That Patty. He’s such a pernicious influence.
and wtf with the NoHD MSG + 2 crap? and not only that, but Cablevision’s listing are showing the Rangers game. talk about adding insult to injury.
Wait, we’re in standard def AGAIN?????
Wait a sec, how is it that y’all don’t get the game tonight in HD when the Sabres are broadcasting the HD feed of tonight’s game, that presumably the Devils are providing?
yupper, standard 1950s style definition again.
the good folks at In Lou We Trust has a handy dandy schedule:
http://www.inlouwetrust.com/2009/9/15/1032499/devils-msg-announce-2009-10-tv
Good morning, everyone! I get to spend my afternoon being trained on using Office 2007! I predict 3 minutes of content that I don’t know, and 2 hours and 57 minutes of hell.
Sounds exciting *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
Does this mean that I can now e-mail you when I can’t find something in Office 2007 since Word an Excel seems to be 2003 with every function in a totally different place so its more “user friendly”.
Wait a sec, how is it that y’all don’t get the game tonight in HD when the Sabres are broadcasting the HD feed of tonight’s game, that presumably the Devils are providing?
Because the Knicks are on MSG and Rangers/Islanders are on MSG+. That leaves us shunted to the non-HD overflow channel. Where we always go. I can totally see not giving us precedence over the Knicks and a Rangers/Isles game, but it bugs the hell out of me that we always seem to get bumped off in favor of random, terrible Islanders games. Wait, that makes it sound like Rangers/Islanders isn’t terrible… never mind. :P
Amy, I’ve always assumed it was a matter of MSG not being able to carry enough HD feeds. So even though the Devils have HD capability at the Rock, MSG has to reserve their HD space for the Rangers and Islanders. I have no idea if this is true, but… Gah! It’s so frustrating! I just want the Devils to get their own TV channel! Bring back Fox Sports NY!
Wait, that makes it sound like Rangers/Islanders isn’t terrible… never mind. :P
You can go ahead and add the Knicks back into that category too.
the Devils would get bumped for a replay of the infamous 1967 Fly Fishing Tournament, you know the one, the only tournament in recorded history in which no one caught a fish. seconded in general boringnessidity to the 1947 Behr Products Paint Drying competition, filmed entirely in black and white.
You can go ahead and add the Knicks back into that category too.
Heh. Yeah. Well, I think it’s their season opener, so I’m cutting them A LITTLE slack. (I’m also feeling better after looking at the MSG schedule, seeing that this is our last stretch of multiple standard-def games in a row.)
you know the one, the only tournament in recorded history in which no one caught a fish. seconded in general boringnessidity to the 1947 Behr Products Paint Drying competition, filmed entirely in black and white.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: THAT’S what Devils/Islanders games are like! Watching historical footage of paint play chess while failing to catch fish!
Hey! My wife laid claim to Oduyaland two years ago! As the vice-president of Oduyaland, I must inform you that our armies have amassed on the border to repel any attack from- Oh Crap! They all just dropped their rifles! Hang on, give us a second… Guys, guys, get it together!
amassed on the border to repel any attack from- Oh Crap! They all just dropped their rifles! Hang on, give us a second… Guys, guys, get it together!
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: bwahahaha
i can imagine a battle between PandoNation and Oduyaland:
PandoNation rushes the field at top speed, Oduyaland responds by countering the rush and dropping their rifles, only to have PandoNation warriors fall down on said rifles, causing them to fire and everyone is out 4-6 weeks.
PandoNation rushes the field at top speed, Oduyaland responds by countering the rush and dropping their rifles, only to have PandoNation warriors fall down on said rifles, causing them to fire and everyone is out 4-6 weeks.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I remember when I was a little girl and thought hockey players looked so smooth and agile. Was I just naive or have hockey players gotten bad at playing hockey?
As the vice-president of Oduyaland, I must inform you that our armies have amassed on the border to repel any attack from- Oh Crap! They all just dropped their rifles! Hang on, give us a second… Guys, guys, get it together!
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Okay, fine! IronBoarsylvania it is, then!
PandoNation rushes the field at top speed, Oduyaland responds by countering the rush and dropping their rifles, only to have PandoNation warriors fall down on said rifles, causing them to fire and everyone is out 4-6 weeks.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: PandoNation might fail on the attack, but if OduyaNation could ever figure out how to counterattack, PandoNation would do an unbelievable job of getting back into the play, working the angles deftly, and breaking up the charge. Either that or they’d subtly shepherd OduyaNation toward center ice where ScottStevens’sShoulderNation would be waiting for them.
I remember when I was a little girl and thought hockey players looked so smooth and agile. Was I just naive or have hockey players gotten bad at playing hockey?
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: You just weren’t watching the Devils when you were a little girl. That’s all. :P
You just weren’t watching the Devils when you were a little girl. That’s all.
Clearly I wasn’t paying close attention to the Sabres either!
At least we’ll all be spared the indignity of watching Andrew Peters “fight” his former teammates.
I want to say we’ve been spared the indignity of Andrew Peters “fighting” anyone so far this season, but I might be wrong. I’ve been doing a really good job of just blacking out his involvement with the team. :P
Hello from Office 2007 training! Woo-hoo! Class kicked off with this exchange:
Teacher: We’re learning 2007 today! Everyone go to the start menu and choose Office and open up Word. You’ll see you have 2003 on your machines, too.
Student: Wait, so we should open up… 2003? Or 2007?
Me: Commence 57 minutes of hell.
But Hub, yeah, I’d be happy to be your 2007 guide! I love this stuff! It’s so fabulous! All the people at work were panicing because they’d heard a rumor “you can’t fing spell check in it EVER!” I’m like, “Dudes, people, F7.” Heh.
Student: Wait, so we should open up… 2003? Or 2007?
Me: Commence 57 minutes of hell.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Now you both have Farter’s crazy staring dog. That’s gonna confuse me.
But Hub, yeah, I’d be happy to be your 2007 guide! I love this stuff! It’s so fabulous! All the people at work were panicing because they’d heard a rumor “you can’t fing spell check in it EVER!” I’m like, “Dudes, people, F7.” Heh.
I use a fairly complicated Excel doc constantly on work and like the revamped Excel enough that I’m a little horrified to find myself so happy with a Microsoft product.
HEEEEY! How did Pookie manage to steal MY icon????
“Dudes, people, F7.”
I had a co-worker flipping out because they couldn’t see the multiple tabs in a doc. Turns out that feature only works if you have the doc at full screen.