Oooh, it’s Scott Clemmensen night tonight! How exciting! Let’s see what he’s thinking as the game goes on.
18:02 Rolston gets a chance off a Devils rush, but his shot goes wide. Or, to put it more aptly, he’s too afraid of my mad skillz that he fine-tunes his shot too much. I scare guys like that.
16:05 I score first!!! Sure, some guy wearing a sweater matching mine is the one who puts the puck in off a great feed to him in the slot, but it’s Marty who sucks and me who’s ahead on the scoreboard, and that’s all the story that matters. 1-0 Clemmer.
13:12 I think Marty’s nervous about playing against me. He seems to be trying to do too much, as if to prove that the Devils weren’t stupid to let me go. Right now, he makes a big effort to make it look like he didn’t have any trouble stopping a bad-angle shot from one of the guys who skates in front of me. I’m not fooled. I know he struggled with that. Um, not because I would have struggled with it.
12:35 Rolston misses the net twice on one shift, starting on a decent set-up on a three-on-two rush. I’m telling you – he knows he can’t beat me.
10:30 MSG+ is telling its viewers about Slava Fetisov playing a game in Russia at 51. I don’t doubt that I’ll still be an NHL starter at that age.
10:01 I mean, look at that save I just made on Oduya! I’m the greatest!
9:32 Now MSG+ is telling the viewers that the Panthers have been outscored 17-6 in its last four road games, all losses. I don’t think I need to tell you that it’s the Panthers who have done that, not Scott Clemmensen. Gawd. These guys in front of me suck.
5:56 You know what I like about being in Florida? I like the warm weather. It was really cold here in Newark today, and it made my veneers hurt.
2:50 Wait, Bryan McCabe is our captain? And here I thought Jamie Langenbrunner was lame! Wow. How the mighty (me) have fallen. How did I not know this guy was my captain? Oh, that’s right – because I can’t tell any of the skaters apart. They all look the same to me.
1:10 Chico tells everyone how hard it is to pronounce the name “Oreskevich”. No kidding! He should just do what I do and call him “loser” or “that guy whose fault it is instead of mine”.
0:00 Dude, I’m awesome. Another 20 minutes, another 20 minutes of shutout. Typical of me. Now I get to spend intermission sitting in front of a mirror.
18:44 The skaters in front of me come out like a house afire to start the period, probably because I really inspired them with my first-period shutout. They get a bunch of shots (that Marty probably makes look better than they are, because like I’ve said before, these skating guys blow), and even draw a penalty to the Iron Boar, who sucked last year when he was a skater in front of me.
17:36 It’s 2-0 Clemmer now, after I move the puck with my mind through traffic from the point and beat Marty. I’m sure they’ll credit the goal to that skater who was standing as if he was tipping the shot right in front, though. The Devils are just a shell of their former selves since I left.
16:31 I’m so awesome! The Devils can’t figure their shit out at all because they’re so flustered about playing me. It’s 3-0 Clemmer, and frankly, I’m surprised Marty’s not moving right now to his rightful place on the bench.
15:55 Boomer: “I am going to be so pissed off if the Devils get shut out and it’s stupid Clemmer. I never wanted him to get shutouts when he was a Devil!” She better get used to the idea.
12:55 It’s 3-1 Panthers now, because I was expecting A) the defenseman to cover Rolston better, B) Rolston to miss the net like he always does, C) the sun not to be in my eyes, D) the other d-men skaters to do a better job of clearing my crease even on a three-man Devils rush that is still above the faceoff circles, and E) my glove to work better.
8:28 So, wanna know why the bleeding was stopped after the Devils picked up a lot of momentum after that goal on that blistering, unstoppable shot? Because I’m the best penalty killer on the team. That’s why. The Devils sent out a terrifying PP unit that got a dominating two shots in two minutes, and I stopped each and every one of them. Yeah. Me.
7:08 Chico, as the game goes to commercial: “The Devils can’t take their foot off the pedal because they’re still down two goals. Oh, and someone’s taking a too many men penalty – I think it’s Florida!” Pause. “No, it looks like it’s New Jersey.” Sweet.
Coming back from commercial, it seems it’s the Panthers. It’s because my teammates love me so much that they can’t help but flock to the ice to be closer to me and my teeth.
5:08 The skaters in front of me can take as many penalties as they want, because I’m unbeatable.
1:32 Some idiot Devil called Zharkov takes a hooking penalty behind my net, because he seems to think I need help to win. He’s so wrong. I’m considering taking a penalty here myself to negate the Panthers power play, just so the glory falls where it should at the final buzzer.
0:20 Pandolfo and Niedermayer (the Awesome) charge down the rink on a shorthanded two-on-one, and I make the greatest save in the history of the universe on it. That, or Pandolfo shanks the shot on the give-and-go, and there is not official shot on net. I’m going with the former.
0:00 My shutout streak continues, because I’m pinning the blame for the Devils goal on someone in front of me.
18:54 Okay, I am standing there in the net, totally doing my job perfectly, and then that butcher Ballard skates over to McAmmond behind the goal line, picks up the puck, and shoves it past my fighting body to put it into the net. 3-2 Panthers. Pookie says now, “If the Devils end up winning this, I’m going to have to assume that the Devils allowed themselves to go down three goals just to fuck with Clemmer.” Oh, I’ll show her “fucking with”. She’ll be sorry. My enemies, who are legion, are always sorry.
17:37 I score on a breakaway! 4-2 Clemmer! Suck on that, Pookie!
12:21 The Devils are so awesome tonight. It’s like the skaters split into two groups during practice, the passers and the shooters. And the passers are all getting coached by one guy, and the shooters are coached by another guy, and those two guys didn’t coordinate their game plan ahead of time. No, wait, I mean to say that they are an offensive juggernaut, and if not for my outstanding – nay, Olympian — goaltending, this game would not be a win for the Clemmers.
10:24 The soi-disant “ZZ Pops” line is on the ice, and doing nothing. Zach hasn’t scored in five games, and I think I deserve most of the credit for that. He should get a refund for whatever he pays for his membership in the Shot Club.
8:24 A break in the action allows Chico to share my mask with everyone, and I have to say, it’s gorgeous. I mean, just a work of art. I think the Hall of Fame, or maybe even the Louvre, will want it as soon as I retire when I’m 52.
3:32 Chico seems to think that the skaters in front of me suck and tend to choke away late leads. Schnookie seems to think that I suck and used to choke away late leads when I was with the Devils. I think both points are moot tonight. I mean, honestly. Have they seen my teeth? My teeth can’t lose!
1:00 Lemaire’s a genius and a hall-of-fame coach, and the man knows this is a lost cause for his team. He doesn’t bother pulling Marty because he knows his skaters can’t beat me for two goals.
0:34 Now he pulls Marty just for show. Ha! Skate faster for the bench, fatso! That’s where you belong!
0:00 Go me! I am the greatest! Chico thinks the Devils were looking ahead to the Flyers tomorrow night, but that’s just sour grapes, because I got the shutout and his precious Marty didn’t.