1. …The Flyers. We guess it wasn’t the coaching that was the problem.
2. … Fantasy Hockey. If Pookie picks up Anaheim’s Dan Sexton for her fantasy team, will people start calling him “Big Soxy”?
3. …Diving. The suggestion that a diving penalty should negate any infraction that may have prompted the player to dive in the first place is asinine. Pookie came up with a pretty solid analogy in the discussion about this topic on TWC the other day: “If I t-bone your car at a stop sign and then you pretend to have suffered whiplash and falsely report it to the insurance company, am I suddenly no longer guilty of reckless driving?” Honestly. Since when is causing his team to lose a power play opportunity not considered a fair punishment for a player who dives after being hooked/tripped/held/whatever?
4. … All-Star Superskills. Yeah, we’re thinking about all of the most relevant issues today. Why? Because we’re drunk. Anyway, the NHL gave it two seasons, but we think it’s very safe to say that the “Slam Dunk” contest just isn’t cutting it. Meanwhile, every year everyone loves the accuracy shooting and hardest shot. We believe the NHL would be wise to liven up the Superskills by making every All-Star choose whether he’d prefer to do accuracy shooting or hardest shot. Forget the less exciting events like the puck relay and the incredibly lame “Slam Dunk” contest (we’ll give Alex Ovechkin one thing — if anyone would be capable of making that contest exciting it would be him. He couldn’t. Ergo, the contest is hopeless.), and make the entire event a smorgasbord of people shooting at targets with varying — and fascinating! — levels of skill. Now that is something people would talk about. (We’d keep fastest skater, but after being scarred for life being seeing Zach Parise participate, we’d like to see that event kept to just the guys who are actually fast skaters.)
5. …Blogging About The All-Star Game During An Olympic Year. When you’re compiling a list of the top ASG moments of the last 10 years, is it time to admit your “10 best of the last decade” theme is perhaps getting stretched a little thin? And if you’re spending a hour during dinner discussing how you’d make the ASG superskills better, is it time to admit you’ve had too much to drink?
6. …Our Imagined Feud Between Ryan Getzlaf And Brian Burke. For some reason, every time we watch the Ducks (which is shockingly often, considering how shitty they are this year), we end up spending the entire game shouting all kinds of threats and insults in our Getzi voices at an unseen Brian Burke. It’s generally stuff where Getzi would be reacting to something happening during the game, like saying, “BURKIE! Why didn’t you give me the puck there on that power play? I would have SCORED, Burkie!” or whatnot. So the other night, the Getzi rantings started (started??) spiraling out of control, and the Wino Kokopelli came into play.
Wait, backing up a sec — have we told you about the Wino Kokopelli yet, Gentle Reader? If not, here’s the story. After spending a few years living in the Southwest, Schnookie reached her breaking point with the omnipresent kokopelli motif. That stupid thing is everywhere out there, people. And she’s got no beef with the spirit of the thing, but the aesthetic just annoys her. So about midway through last season, Pookie found a video featuring Getzi giving an hilarious tour of his house (seriously, Getzi seems to be a bit of a nester. He’s very proud of his home decor. And his backyard tiki hut. That’s not a euphemism), and in it, Getzi proudly shows off this monstrosity:
Yeah, that’s a wrought-iron kokopelli wine bottle holder, that he has hanging in his dining room. He says he got it at a “swap meet at the fairgrounds”. (See why we love Getzi so much?) Schnookie was horrified. And mortified. And the wino kokopelli quickly became an essential part of the Getzi legend here at stately IPB Manor.
So back to the other evening where we were riffing on the Getzi/Burkie feud. This was the exchange we had, late in the lackluster game:
Pookie (as Getzi): “Don’t make me send my wino kokopelli after you, Burkie!”
Schnookie (as Getzi), quoting The Cutting Edge: “It’ll take them a month to count the wino kokopelli marks up your back!”
Boomer (as Getzi): “And it’ll take them a month to count the flute marks up your front.”
Well, we can’t top that.