1. …The Flyers. We guess it wasn’t the coaching that was the problem.
2. … Fantasy Hockey. If Pookie picks up Anaheim’s Dan Sexton for her fantasy team, will people start calling him “Big Soxy”?
3. …Diving. The suggestion that a diving penalty should negate any infraction that may have prompted the player to dive in the first place is asinine. Pookie came up with a pretty solid analogy in the discussion about this topic on TWC the other day: “If I t-bone your car at a stop sign and then you pretend to have suffered whiplash and falsely report it to the insurance company, am I suddenly no longer guilty of reckless driving?” Honestly. Since when is causing his team to lose a power play opportunity not considered a fair punishment for a player who dives after being hooked/tripped/held/whatever?
4. … All-Star Superskills. Yeah, we’re thinking about all of the most relevant issues today. Why? Because we’re drunk. Anyway, the NHL gave it two seasons, but we think it’s very safe to say that the “Slam Dunk” contest just isn’t cutting it. Meanwhile, every year everyone loves the accuracy shooting and hardest shot. We believe the NHL would be wise to liven up the Superskills by making every All-Star choose whether he’d prefer to do accuracy shooting or hardest shot. Forget the less exciting events like the puck relay and the incredibly lame “Slam Dunk” contest (we’ll give Alex Ovechkin one thing — if anyone would be capable of making that contest exciting it would be him. He couldn’t. Ergo, the contest is hopeless.), and make the entire event a smorgasbord of people shooting at targets with varying — and fascinating! — levels of skill. Now that is something people would talk about. (We’d keep fastest skater, but after being scarred for life being seeing Zach Parise participate, we’d like to see that event kept to just the guys who are actually fast skaters.)
5. …Blogging About The All-Star Game During An Olympic Year. When you’re compiling a list of the top ASG moments of the last 10 years, is it time to admit your “10 best of the last decade” theme is perhaps getting stretched a little thin? And if you’re spending a hour during dinner discussing how you’d make the ASG superskills better, is it time to admit you’ve had too much to drink?
6. …Our Imagined Feud Between Ryan Getzlaf And Brian Burke. For some reason, every time we watch the Ducks (which is shockingly often, considering how shitty they are this year), we end up spending the entire game shouting all kinds of threats and insults in our Getzi voices at an unseen Brian Burke. It’s generally stuff where Getzi would be reacting to something happening during the game, like saying, “BURKIE! Why didn’t you give me the puck there on that power play? I would have SCORED, Burkie!” or whatnot. So the other night, the Getzi rantings started (started??) spiraling out of control, and the Wino Kokopelli came into play.
Wait, backing up a sec — have we told you about the Wino Kokopelli yet, Gentle Reader? If not, here’s the story. After spending a few years living in the Southwest, Schnookie reached her breaking point with the omnipresent kokopelli motif. That stupid thing is everywhere out there, people. And she’s got no beef with the spirit of the thing, but the aesthetic just annoys her. So about midway through last season, Pookie found a video featuring Getzi giving an hilarious tour of his house (seriously, Getzi seems to be a bit of a nester. He’s very proud of his home decor. And his backyard tiki hut. That’s not a euphemism), and in it, Getzi proudly shows off this monstrosity:
Yeah, that’s a wrought-iron kokopelli wine bottle holder, that he has hanging in his dining room. He says he got it at a “swap meet at the fairgrounds”. (See why we love Getzi so much?) Schnookie was horrified. And mortified. And the wino kokopelli quickly became an essential part of the Getzi legend here at stately IPB Manor.
So back to the other evening where we were riffing on the Getzi/Burkie feud. This was the exchange we had, late in the lackluster game:
Pookie (as Getzi): “Don’t make me send my wino kokopelli after you, Burkie!”
Schnookie (as Getzi), quoting The Cutting Edge: “It’ll take them a month to count the wino kokopelli marks up your back!”
Boomer (as Getzi): “And it’ll take them a month to count the flute marks up your front.”
Well, we can’t top that.
Wow. Apparently Ryan Getzlaf needed “a big table. Yah. A big table.”. Doods. I barely got through the opener and couldn’t continue to watch after hearing the interviewer as if “these are fresh cut flowers?”. Oh. Stop it already.
Painful.
It’s much better without the talking.
That Getzlaf video was fun. But I agree with you carol, the girl doing the tour was terrible. I hate this kind of faked enthusiasm that interviewers always use. “Wow Ryan, incredible, tell me about your bottle dispenser!”
Wait, Carol, are you saying you didn’t hear Getzi’s answer to “are these fresh cut flowers”? Because that was almost the best part of the video (that isn’t a wino kokopelli or a backyard tiki hut or a “backyard tiki hut”). He says, “Yes. [pause] Well, no, more like plastic.” He’s a genius that one. It’s just like when people come to stately IPB Manor and ask, “Is that sculpture of Augustus real?” And I say “Yes, that is the priceless original of that glorious work of art. No, wait, more like polyresin.”
I agree that the girl doing the interview was a little grating. Next time they should send me and Schnookie. The interview would be very short because we both would have died laughing at the wino kokopelli before even getting to the liqour dispenser in the kitchen.
“Yes. [pause] Well, no, more like plastic.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: That could work in so many situations. “Are those real diamonds?” “Yes. [pause] Well, no, more like cubic zirconium.”
I took a trip to Phoenix for a band competition (insert your “and one time at bandcamp” jokes here) and we thought Kokopelli was awesome. But we were also 16 going on 12 and the word “fertility” made us giggle.
Also, my favorite part of the video:
Interviewer [pointing at first goal plaque]: “That’s a moment you’ll always remember. [pause] Do you remember it?”
Next time they should send me and Schnookie. The interview would be very short because we both would have died laughing at the wino kokopelli before even getting to the liqour dispenser in the kitchen.
I agree. Actually, I would love to see you guys interview any hockey player – especially Sean Avery. I can just picture you both glaring and not asking any questions. Very uncomfortable for everybody. Or, maybe you could interview CoreyPerry and just say his name over and over. I.E. “What a lovely Spiderman duvet you have on your bed, CoreyPerry CoreyPerry CorreyPerry.”
“Are those real diamonds?” “Yes. [pause] Well, no, more like cubic zirconium.”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: And mcguggs, I honestly have no problem with the notion of kokopelli. I just hate how he looks. It makes my eyes bleed. Honestly, when we would be out and about when we lived in Arizona, I refused to go anywhere that had a Kokopelli in its decor. I just can’t stand it!! I wonder if that’s why Getzi fell in love with the wino at that swap meet — it’s like an anti-Schnookie talisman.
“That’s a moment you’ll always remember. [pause] Do you remember it?”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Getzi: “Actually, no.” Pause. “And my shirt fell off.”
“What a lovely Spiderman duvet you have on your bed, CoreyPerry CoreyPerry CorreyPerry.”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I suddenly REALLY want this to happen.
And we put up our Christmas tree this morning — the whole house smells of it now! Yay for Christmas tree whiffage!
At least the other player house tours that I’ve seen have been self-narrated (Roy-Z and Nash). There must have been a simpering twit shortage when those two tours were filmed.
That wino kokopelli also looks like it’s fresh out of an early Matt Groening cartoon.
I suddenly REALLY want this to happen.
Me, too. It would be like “Cribs” hosted by the Ookies. Perhaps you would occasionally bring in a guest inteviewer, like, say, oh, I don’t know, mcguffers or maybe Patty (in Dallas) and you can peruse all the hockey players’ houses. I, for one, would love to see the Soft Peepers’ homes. All that peeping…it would be amazing.
Yay for Christmas tree whiffage!
Hey, I just smelled it, too! {olfactory hallucination}
There must have been a simpering twit shortage when those two tours were filmed.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I remember Roy-Z’s home tour! He was kind of a D-I-Y simpering twit. He was like, “Hey, no need to bring a simpering twit to interview me on my house tour — I can be my own twit!”
All that peeping…it would be amazing.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I might need a peeper translator to interview them.
{olfactory hallucination}
HAHAHAHA! It’s only Monday! It’s too early in the week for olfactory hallucinations!
Oooh, the Too Oranges are playing the Broken Noses this week. There is going to be cartilage EVERYWHERE.
That was a hilariously ditzy interview with Getzy – mostly because the interviewer was, as you noted, a complete idiot. However, I kept waiting for his shirt to fall off and…nada. He kept his shirt on for over 9 minutes when not on the ice. Is this a record????
funny interview. it was like she kept calling him out on everything –
decorate yourself – yes, un no, all the wood and paint was done before. fresh flowers? yes, um no plastic. big kitchen do you cook – yes, um no i dont have a favorite dish except what i barbeque outside. oh, rookie cards? yes, um, they were just laying around from yesterday, good thing i have a great joke i can tell about them.
and thats as far as i got.
He kept his shirt on for over 9 minutes when not on the ice. Is this a record????
Heh. Actually, it was just some trick editing. :D
Ken, did you get to the tiki bar? :P
That kokopelli strikes me as a withering comment on the kokopelli craze. I can see myself coming across it and then sending a link to everybody telling them that that’s what I need! It’s so anti-kokopelli! The difference is, I would then go on with my life. Not buy it and install it. :P
(Also, I bet that’s not how it struck Getzi.)
“What a lovely Spiderman duvet you have on your bed, CoreyPerry CoreyPerry CorreyPerry.”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
(Also, I bet that’s not how it struck Getzi.)
It probably literally struck him. It fell off the wall of the swap meet booth and hit him on the head. The flute broke off and thus “he broke it, he bought it”. And by “bought it” I mean “he also got installation for free”. See? He couldn’t not put it up!
it was like she kept calling him out on everything –
The best one was perhaps the most subtle:
Getzi: This is my kokopelli wine holder on prominent display in my dining room.
Ditz: Oh, do you drink wine?
Getzi: Oh God, no! I mean, uh… Yes?
Getzi: “Actually, no.” Pause. “And my shirt fell off.”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And I would definitely be willing to fill in as guest host for you Cribs style hockey show. (I typed that as “guest hose” the first time. heh.)
I’m officially done with one of my classes! I had to go in and point out of bunch of stuff on a sheep brain. But seeing that the Habs and Sabres are playing, that’ll be the last brain I see tonight. Ha!
Getzi: Oh God, no! I mean, uh… Yes?
You’d think the wine would help him appear klassy for the ladies. And if that doesn’t work, he can always fall back on the magically disappearing shirt.
But seeing that the Habs and Sabres are playing, that’ll be the last brain I see tonight.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Congratulations on finishing your class, though! I successfully finished my first day of vacation. Woo-hoo!
Amy, :^::::::::::::::::: Getzi knows the ladies can’t resist magic.
Getzi knows the ladies can’t resist magic.
Getzi loves performing illusions for the ladies.
no, i never made it to the tiki bar part. i’ll try to check it out later.
i can see you ladies doing a show like that. but without the players, just walking through their houses, pointing things out, going through their drawers, refridgerator, closets, until you have to make a dash for the back door and over the neighbor’s fence when the cops show up.
Congratulations on finishing the first day of vacation, Pookie! And getting the tree up! Are you guys watching your tranny match-up tonight?
Ken, :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: You know it! We just need someone brave enough to be the camera man, and someone to drive the getaway car. Anyone? Anyone?
mcguffers, we sure as heck are watching the Tranny match-up! Although, to be honest, the Bruins lost the title of Tranny Gentleman Callers when Looch decided to spend all season on pantless IR. I bet the Bruins laid down the law and said, “Either you wear pants, or you sit.”
until you have to make a dash for the back door and over the neighbor’s fence when the cops show up.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: We were JUST writing up our proposal pitching that show to Versus! :P
Are you guys watching your tranny match-up tonight?
Yes we are, but I can’t stress enough that the Bruins’ tenure as a tranny gentleman caller ended at the close of last season. And with Looch hurt. This is a one-tranny game tonight. :D
I bet the Bruins laid down the law and said, “Either you wear pants, or you sit.”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: And he’s thinking, “Looch prove point to mean employers. Looch NEVER wear pants for ANYONE.”
“Looch prove point to mean employers. Looch NEVER wear pants for ANYONE.”
“Looch only wear pelt. Looch learn to not wear pelt with shiny dress shoes. Sent Tim Thomas into a dead faint.”
OK, the mental image of Looch in an animal pelt and shiny dress shoes is AWESOME. This game was brought to you by Looch’s 3-Day Pelt Broker. Looch know you will like the way you look; Looch guarantee it.
“Either you wear pants, or you sit.”
“Looch prove point to mean employers. Looch NEVER wear pants for ANYONE.”
“Looch only wear pelt. Looch learn to not wear pelt with shiny dress shoes. Sent Tim Thomas into a dead faint.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I don’t know which is grosser, the brain juice still on my lab notebook or the thought of Looch free-balling in animal pelts.
Getzi’s table makes sense in a medieval banquet hall and that’s about it. Aww to him drinking wine so he can fit in in SoCal.
I think Miss Interview Lady was ready to move in.
I think Miss Interview Lady was ready to move in.
Well, who wouldn’t be?!?! *crickets chirp*
I think Miss Interview Lady was ready to move in.
Who wouldn’t want to live on McMillionnaire Digs Lane?
Crickets: “Nope. Us neither.”
Who wouldn’t want to live on McMillionnaire Digs Lane?
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Crickets: “Nope. Us neither.”
The HOA at McMillionnaire Digs Lane doesn’t allow crickets anyway, so it’s all for the best.
Oooh, the Too Oranges are playing the Broken Noses this week. There is going to be cartilage EVERYWHERE.
Go right ahead if you want Blandy and Nic the Nation builder to be on IR.
Nic the Nation-builder! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Good morning, everyone!
Ack! I can’t believe Hub would try to beat the Oranges with Devils players! That’s UNTHINKABLE!
And good morning, everyone! I’m learning something truly terrible today, namely that taking Mondays off is great and all, but then Tuesday just feels like a much worse Monday. :(
Good morning everyone! How are y’all doing. I missed you while I was studying (which I am still supposed to be doing, but it’s sort of hard to do over the sound of the train’s intercom telling me we’ve been delayed again).
Anyway, Getzi. I’m immeasurably disappointed that they edited it so that his shirt stayed on the whole time. Also I bought one of my friends a booze carousel like that. He’s going to love it when I tell him he’s got a home decor item in common with Getzi. (He’s a Sharks fan, and you know how they love him. Heh)
“Either you wear pants, or you sit.”
“Looch prove point to mean employers. Looch NEVER wear pants for ANYONE.”
“Looch only wear pelt. Looch learn to not wear pelt with shiny dress shoes. Sent Tim Thomas into a dead faint.”
I checked in this morning, saw this part of the thread and laughed so loud I scared the cats. Since I really needed the laugh, thanks!
Claude is peaking out from under the couch now to see if it’s safe. Not if Looch isn’t wearing pants.
He’s going to love it when I tell him he’s got a home decor item in common with Getzi. (He’s a Sharks fan, and you know how they love him. Heh)
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Well, a booze carousel makes everything better in the long run, so I’m sure he’ll come to terms with it. :D
Claude is peaking out from under the couch now to see if it’s safe. Not if Looch isn’t wearing pants.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Just out of a Staphylococcus meeting and now into a Staphylococcus lunch.
*yay*
It sounds like you’ve got it all figured out, Carol! :P
I’m way behind due to actually having to work but I just read your game diary about the disastrous Florida loss a couple of days ago, I wish I would have read it while watching the game so I would have been laughing instead of incredibly angry. Fantastic post!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, Mike! I think it’s important for all of us Clemmer haters to NEVER FORGET. :D