The Devils are currently the best team in hockey that no one is noticing, and something we’ve noticed lately is friends of ours watching them and wondering aloud who all the guys on the ice are. Well, no one really knows, because no one is noticing these guys. Thank goodness for IPB’s crack investigative staff, though — we’ve been able to find some obscure facts about a number of the new faces on this year’s Devils team. And now we want to share them with you.
1. Kilt him an elk when he was only three.
2. Keeps an elk heart in a tin underneath his bed, as a sign of his respect and brotherhood with the elk. Also, so he can hear its incessant, ever-louder beating in his head.
3. Thinks it’s barbaric to hunt for things that aren’t elks.
4. Has warned Paulie Martin that he’s lucky he’s more identified as a gopher now than his high school elk.
5. Has given all the guys great deals on genuine elkskin moccasins and fringed jackets.
1. Has all of his teeth, but had trompe l’oeil veneers put on the front two to make it look like he’s missing them.
2. Hates the nickname “Boogerfors” because he’d really like us to come up with something a bit more juvenile.
3. Can draw a perfect circle freehand.
4. Has never been afraid of an acorn in his life.
5. Is, as of this writing, statbitstistically speaking, 22/27ths as good as John Tavares.
1. Invented sudoku during 6th-grade math class and then sold it to an exchange student from Toyko for a square apple.
2. After a tragic cooking accident about which he’d rather not speak, is now focusing on proving scientifically that “one capful” is not always equal to one teaspoon.
3. Would like very much for NASA to recognize his place of origin as its own planet. And no, when you look at the night sky, you can’t see it with your bare eyes.
4. Is slightly older than other rookies thanks to his year spent before the mast.
5. Is 27/22nds the man John Tavares is.
Rob Niedermayer (The Lesser)
1. Is boycotting the team’s holiday party to protest the decision by the rest of the team that “letting a catamount loose in Newark and then hunting it” was not an appropriate party activity.
2. Is a lot like John Madden, but bigger, faster, and cheaper. But is different from Madden in that when Pando was injured, he didn’t feel sympathy pains in his shoulder.
3. Will accept a “Younger, Less Talented Brother” Lifetime Achievement award from the Lowell Devils later this season.
4. After the 2003 Finals, took a cue from Johnny Depp and changed his “MOM” tattoo to one that says “MOMA Forever”.
5. Never liked that Scott guy.
1. Secretly wears those double-bladed skates that little kids wear. The second, “training wheel” blade is cleverly disguised during games to spare him some embarrassment.
2. Thinks Chico is the smartest man he’s ever met.
3. Can’t watch tennis because figuring out which side of the net the ball is on at any given moment is too hard.
4. Is fond of wordless books.
5. Challenged Chuck the Duck to a fist fight and lost. He suggested they go best 2 out of 3 and lost again. He suggested best 3 out of 5, but Chuck is a gentleman and declined.