“Dispatches” “From” “Vancouver” “From” “Chris” “Pronger”

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“Dispatches” “From” “Vancouver” “From” “Chris” “Pronger”

February 23, 2010 by Pookie

Olympics are fun. I’m kicking ass and taking names because that’s just what I do. But Olympics could be funner. The ice dancers should all wear firebird feathers instead of those stupid “classy” Gold-medal-winning outfits. I’d tell them that, but it’s a fucking tightrope, man. I would love to tell the ski jumpers that they look like idiots in those stupid idiot ski jumper suits, but it’s a fucking ski jump, man. I’d tell those downhill skiers who think they’re such hot shit going so fast down such silly little mountains that those big helmets are theirs are no match for my elbows but I think a few of them learned that the hard way earlier today at the Athlete’s Village. What can I say? It’s a fucking tightrope, man.

Posted in Laffs | 82 Comments

82 Responses

on February 23, 2010 at 8:16 pm Patty (in Dallas)

It’s a fucking tightrope, man.

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on February 23, 2010 at 8:17 pm Patty (in Dallas)

I don’t think Chris Pronger should comment on others’ big helmets. It’s a fucking glass house, man.
on February 23, 2010 at 8:17 pm Pookie

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on February 23, 2010 at 8:19 pm carolbrowne

It’s a fucking glass house, man.

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on February 23, 2010 at 8:22 pm Schnookie

It’s a fucking glass house, man.

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::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: That is my new motto in life. Heh.
on February 23, 2010 at 8:23 pm Meg

It’s true, it is a fucking tightrope. Poor Pronger. So put upon.
on February 23, 2010 at 8:24 pm Meg

Why are they showing us women’s bobsled instead of something else, anything else. No one is interested in women’s bobsled.
on February 23, 2010 at 8:27 pm carolbrowne

Hey Meg,

What do you mean not interested in women’s bobsled? Have you not seen this???

:-)
on February 23, 2010 at 8:33 pm carolbrowne

Sorry to mention Olympic hockey, but Shea Webber just shot a puck through the goal net. I’ve never seen that before.

And Pierre McGuire was talking to Martin Brodeur, who said, “Yah, he shoots hard.”

See guys, it’s just like regular hockey!
on February 23, 2010 at 8:33 pm Pookie

I’m so with you, Meg. This is so boring! But figure skating could start at any moment!!!
on February 23, 2010 at 8:37 pm Amy

Poor Pronger. So put upon.

While we’re planning Pronger’s pity party, can we at least agree that it was funny that he went flying after he tripped over Staal and CoreyPerry the other night?
on February 23, 2010 at 8:42 pm Meg

Amy, that’s one of the highlights of the Olympics thus far as far as I’m concerned.

Man, ladies figure skating is kind of low on the entertainment value compared to the others, isn’t it?
on February 23, 2010 at 8:44 pm Pookie

There was a big controversy in a Flyers playoff game a number of years ago when the puck through the net. It was pretty wild. Weber’s an Andersoxer. I train those guys to shoot hard.
on February 23, 2010 at 8:44 pm mcguffers

Sorry to mention Olympic hockey, but Shea Webber just shot a puck through the goal net. I’ve never seen that before.

Yet somehow the net shows no signs of holes. Shea Weber is so badass, the puck actually melts upon leaving his stick of fire.
on February 23, 2010 at 8:44 pm Pookie

Man, ladies figure skating is kind of low on the entertainment value compared to the others, isn’t it?

Yeeeeah. Unless there’s the promise of seeing Cohen buckle under the pressure. They should lead off with the women and end with the ice dancing.
on February 23, 2010 at 8:47 pm carolbrowne

I train those guys to shoot hard.

Team Canada thanks you.

Shea Weber is so badass, the puck actually melts upon leaving his stick of fire.

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on February 23, 2010 at 8:48 pm Meg

Unless there’s the promise of seeing Cohen buckle under the pressure.

Yeah, it’s too bad she didn’t make the Olympics and we’ve got two teenagers who will probably either fail boringly or overachieve annoyingly.
on February 23, 2010 at 8:51 pm Schnookie

Yeah, it’s too bad she didn’t make the Olympics and we’ve got two teenagers who will probably either fail boringly or overachieve annoyingly.

I know! It’s so unfair. I have no vested interest AT ALL in the women’s figure skating, which is a letdown from the other stuff even at the best of times! Oh well. The skating so far has been bringing it, so maybe something really exciting will happen after all?
on February 23, 2010 at 8:55 pm Meg

The skating so far has been bringing it, so maybe something really exciting will happen after all?

Yeah, I’d love a Plushenko-style snit fit. Apparently he had an image of his Olympic medals on his website referring to his latest silver as “platinum” (reference since removed). It takes work to be that unsportsmanlike!
on February 23, 2010 at 8:59 pm mcguffers

Apparently he had an image of his Olympic medals on his website referring to his latest silver as “platinum”

Whatever keeps Johnny Weir out of the spotlight for awhile is good with me. And by “spotlight” I mean the thousands upon thousands of people worldwide who watch men’s figure skating.
on February 23, 2010 at 9:01 pm Meg

“This is what it feels like to go twenty feet in the air and smash to the ground…oh, wait, this is just what it looks like. And that’s what you’re child will look like after seeing you crash. We know because we stuck a camera in her face.”
on February 23, 2010 at 10:02 pm Patty (in Dallas)

They’re not showing figure skating right now, are they? I’m seeing ski stuff.

And good grief, that poor Dutch speed skater. His coach is going to have to leave town.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:04 pm Myra

What happened with the speed skater?
on February 23, 2010 at 10:06 pm Meg

What happened with the speed skater?

Long track: His coach told him he was in the wrong lane and should cross over, so he did. His coach was wrong. He was disqualified while on his way to the gold.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:07 pm Patty (in Dallas)

He was way out in front, destined for the gold, then he changed to the outside lane. And almost at the end of the part where you can change, his coach yelled that he was supposed to be on the inside lane. He jumped over to the inside lane just in time. But he was in the correct lane in the first place. So he was DISQUALIFIED for being in the wrong lane!

And he didn’t know that until the end of the race, which was a long, tough race apparently. He was NOT interested in his coach’s apologies.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:08 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Meg’s explanation was much more concise. :P
on February 23, 2010 at 10:09 pm Meg

But not nearly as thorough!
on February 23, 2010 at 10:10 pm Myra

Oh my. That is awful. Poor guy.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:11 pm Myra

And thank you to you both. I liked both versions equally on their own merit.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:11 pm Patty (in Dallas)

On the radio, the midday dork had been arguing with somebody’s assertion that speed skating was the national pastime in The Netherlands. He decided it was soccer and Dutch people didn’t know what they were talking about (he’s like that). But a Dutch-American guy called in and said that speed skating is the winter national pastime there, at least (you can’t argue with Bob, even if you’re right).

Is that right, Mags? I got the feeling from the caller that it’s VERY big. So I imagine it’s going to be a big scandal in Holland.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:12 pm carolbrowne

Ouch. I heard that the skater was blaming his coach, but had no idea why until I read this.

What an idiot! And that poor Dutch skater for sure. Time to go to Heineken House for both of them.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:12 pm Patty (in Dallas)

I liked both versions equally on their own merit.

You’re so nice. :D
on February 23, 2010 at 10:14 pm Meg

What an idiot!

Yeah, they should probably have him on suicide watch. Or in protective custody.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:19 pm Myra

I love hearing all these Norweigan names. Reminds me of home and all the kids that I grew up with.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:27 pm Myra

I’d love it even more if I could spell Norwegian.
on February 23, 2010 at 10:36 pm Patty (in Dallas)

That’s okay, Myra. You’ve been away from home a while. :P
on February 23, 2010 at 10:58 pm carolbrowne

Oh! I loved the Japanese girl! Wow!
on February 23, 2010 at 10:59 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Wasn’t she cute? Very nice job!
on February 23, 2010 at 11:00 pm Meg

I don’t understand why they couldn’t find illusion netting for Mao Asada that matches her skin tone.
on February 23, 2010 at 11:10 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Illusion netting? Is that what it’s called? I’ve wondered.

That Korean girl had the best outfit on.
on February 23, 2010 at 11:14 pm Kathleen

Sorry to mention Olympic hockey, but Shea Webber just shot a puck through the goal net. I’ve never seen that before.

Yeah, I’d heard he has a hard shot, but holy shit. Got to respect anyone that’s ever blocked that dude’s shot.
on February 23, 2010 at 11:18 pm Kathleen

Yeah, I’d love a Plushenko-style snit fit. Apparently he had an image of his Olympic medals on his website referring to his latest silver as “platinum” (reference since removed). It takes work to be that unsportsmanlike!

Ahhhh, hilarious.
on February 23, 2010 at 11:18 pm Meg

Illusion netting? Is that what it’s called? I’ve wondered.

That’s what I’ve always thought it was called but I wouldn’t bet my life on it or anything.
on February 23, 2010 at 11:19 pm carolbrowne

Do they keep mentioning on the US channels that this next figure skater’s mom died 2 days ago? Sheesh. They won’t drop it up here. As you say, “Stay classy, CTV”.
on February 23, 2010 at 11:21 pm Meg

Do they keep mentioning on the US channels that this next figure skater’s mom died 2 days ago?

They’re showing giant slalom right now. I’m sure they’ll mention it repeatedly because NBC never met a sob story they couldn’t beat into the ground.
on February 23, 2010 at 11:23 pm Meg

Carol they’re doing a sit down interview with Dan Jansen to talk about competing immediately after the death of a family member.
on February 23, 2010 at 11:25 pm carolbrowne

Very poor taste. All of them. :-(
on February 24, 2010 at 1:34 am Mags

Patty, the Dutch-American calling in was indeed correct. And the Midday Dork is full of shit. Speed skating is to the Dutch, as hockey is to Canadians.

Sven was in tears on Dutch TV. It was incredibly upsetting to watch him. I’m friends with his girlfriend, so I doubtless won’t hear the end of the horrible coach story for a while. But honestly! What sort of freaking FOOL doesn’t know which lane he’s supposed to be in! I get that he doesn’t think (obviously) while he’s skating, just follows instructions, but GAH! Idiots! I needed Sven to win that gold, for his own sake, because that kid is more intense and wooden that Sid and I needed him to lighten up.
on February 24, 2010 at 9:57 am KenF

How I long for the days when figure skaters simply hired their white-trash boyfriends to hit the competition in the shins with metal pipes. I mean the endless tears and cries of “why? why? why?” were annoying and all, but it made good print.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:16 am Pookie

I needed Sven to win that gold, for his own sake, because that kid is more intense and wooden that Sid and I needed him to lighten up.

It’s funny you say that because Schnookie and I both thought he looks like Sid. Poor guy. Between that coach screwing up and the Belarussian nordic combined guy going the wrong direction, last night’s viewing was full of moments to remember on days when I feel like everything’s going wrong. Heh.
on February 24, 2010 at 11:33 am Amy

because that kid is more intense and wooden that Sid

Wow. I thought Sid had the market cornered on intense and wooden.
on February 24, 2010 at 11:41 am Patty (in Dallas)

THANK you, Mags! I should email that guy, but it’s really not worth arguing with him.

(To be fair, he [a] calls himself a radio dork and [b] otherwise has an enjoyable show.)
on February 24, 2010 at 12:15 pm SueNJ97

So he was DISQUALIFIED for being in the wrong lane!

Hmmm…they couldn’t just give him a ticket for driving on the wrong side?
on February 24, 2010 at 12:42 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Hmmm…they couldn’t just give him a ticket for driving on the wrong side?

Surely he was drunk! That’s what’s usually at the root of wrong-way driving.
on February 24, 2010 at 3:53 pm KenF

there is a god!

http://www.aolnews.com/sports/article/the-thrill-of-victory-pole-dancers-push-to-compete-in-next-olympics/19371523
on February 24, 2010 at 5:23 pm andrew

Anyone watch the USA Switzerland game? Pretty exciting stuff…that I can apparently watch at 3:00 pm today.
on February 24, 2010 at 5:25 pm Patty (in Dallas)

I’m so sorry, andrew! That tape delay thing BLOWS.
on February 24, 2010 at 5:33 pm andrew

That tape delay thing BLOWS.

For reals.

Oh well. I’m at work anyway, but still NBC is just awful. I want to record games on the tivo, but I can’t even do that because the listings are all inclusive and who know when the network will even cut to the game (after the nailbiter to determine who comes in 10th place in curling).
on February 24, 2010 at 6:19 pm Amy

Anyone watch the USA Switzerland game? Pretty exciting stuff

An impromptu “staff meeting” broke out around the TV in the kitchen at my office for the last 6-7 minutes of the game. We kept waiting for Crunchy to be distracted by a bumblebee and go for a “Ryan Miller shutout.” We were all impressed with Zach today, but did (again) argue over how to pronounce Parise.
on February 24, 2010 at 7:38 pm Patty (in Dallas)

It was no USA-CAN, but it was very exciting.
on February 24, 2010 at 7:53 pm mcguffers

Why were the Canadians rooting for the Swiss? Just cause they wear the same color?
on February 24, 2010 at 7:56 pm mcguffers

And are they Ole-ing?
on February 24, 2010 at 7:59 pm Patty (in Dallas)

I think they were rooting against the US. :D

They were still stinging a little. This game against Russia might make them feel better.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:16 pm Kathleen

We were all impressed with Zach today, but did (again) argue over how to pronounce Parise.

Drew Stafford said Par-EEZ-ay in an interview, so I take his word for it. I guess.

Yay for Kalinin!
on February 24, 2010 at 8:16 pm mcguffers

I think they were rooting against the US. :D

Well, geesh. If everyone that ever lost to the US started to hate us, we’d have no friends left… heeeyyy…
on February 24, 2010 at 8:18 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Well, geesh. If everyone that ever lost to the US started to hate us, we’d have no friends left… heeeyyy…

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on February 24, 2010 at 8:30 pm mcguffers

We were all impressed with Zach today, but did (again) argue over how to pronounce Parise.

If I was Zach, I’d pronounce it a different way every time I was interviewed. I’d even correct my interviewer when he pronounced it the way I had said 2 minutes before. Then I’d get all huffy that no one is pronouncing it right and they might as well just not say it at all. Then I’d correct their pronunciation of “Zach”. “It’s ‘Zach’ with an ‘H’!!”
on February 24, 2010 at 8:36 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Hee! I think it’s “easy breezy Zach Parise.”
on February 24, 2010 at 8:37 pm Patty (in Dallas)

And by that I mean I also have no idea which of the myriad is correct.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:38 pm Kathleen

Hee! I think it’s “easy breezy Zach Parise.”

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on February 24, 2010 at 8:40 pm mcguffers

If I don’t see a t-shirt that says “Easy Breezy Zach Parise” soon, my life has no meaning.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:40 pm Amy

I think it’s “easy breezy Zach Parise.”

Sounds like something an ANTM contestant would say on Cover Girl commercial shoot day.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:41 pm Pookie

“easy breezy Zach Parise.”

You betcha! He’s our little Cover Prince. Heh.

I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story before, but “Ookies” is not actually out last name. Our real last name is French but our family is like Zach and pronounces it the English way… except for some of our cousins! It’s so strange to hear them refer to themselves by what to me sounds like a COMPLETELY different last name. And that’s my story.

(There should be a new thread shortly, just FYI.)
on February 24, 2010 at 8:44 pm carolbrowne

I’m feeling much better about Team Canada suddenly – 7-2 over Russia right now.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:46 pm mcguffers

My name is completely phonetic and I was always jealous of the kids on the first day of school who got to correct the teacher when they mispronounced his/her name during attendance. I always thought it made them more exotic.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:52 pm Schnookie

I was always jealous of the kids on the first day of school who got to correct the teacher when they mispronounced his/her name during attendance. I always thought it made them more exotic.

Heh. Well, it’s all fun and games when you’re in, say, grade school, and your teacher cares about getting it right. It’s less cool in, say, college, when your professor says he cares, lets you correct him, then never learns, so you have to correct him EVERY TIME. :P (I have recently realized that I can easily shame people who get our name wrong, because, being French, it is pronounced exactly the way it’s spelled. Heh.)
on February 24, 2010 at 8:53 pm SueNJ97

There are also 2 versions of our last name, the European pronunciation and the US one. It’s funny to hear my Dad switch to the European one whenever we’re over there.

I have clients who are North American divisions of European companies and they have plenty of staff from the home office who pronounce my name ‘correctly’ – European way – and then get confused when they hear other people pronounce it the US way.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:54 pm Kathleen

Sounds like something an ANTM contestant would say on Cover Girl commercial shoot day.

I want to audition of ANTM right now just so I can say that.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:57 pm Schnookie

I want to audition of ANTM right now just so I can say that.

Heh. Basically since Zach’s first day with the Devils, we’ve spent massive percentages of the ANTM seasons saying “Easy, Breezy, Parise” over and over again. It never gets tired.
on February 24, 2010 at 8:59 pm Kathleen

Heh. Audition FOR. That makes a bit more sense.
on February 24, 2010 at 9:01 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Basically since Zach’s first day with the Devils, we’ve spent massive percentages of the ANTM seasons saying “Easy, Breezy, Parise” over and over again.

Oh, woops! Sorry to steal it! (mcguffers, just ignore that request for a cut of the t-shirt sales.)
on February 24, 2010 at 9:51 pm carolbrowne

Hey guys! Guess what? Crosby>Ovetchkin.

True story. :-p