“Dispatches” “From” “Vancouver” “From” “Crunchy” “Miller”

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“Dispatches” “From” “Vancouver” “From” “Crunchy” “Miller”

February 24, 2010 by Pookie

Olympics are fun. In addition to playing hockey I’m acting like the Johnny Appleseed of boob hoodies. Can’t believe Vancouver didn’t already have them. But Olympics could be funner. There are a lot of fatties here. Curlers, bobsledders, ski jumpers (hey, come on, you have to admit it those suits make them look puffy if not fat and is puffy really any better than fat? I mean, would you wear a boob hoodie that makes you look puffy? No, you wouldnt. [And if you would, just don't shop at the Refinery Dot Com. We don't have your size.] Maybe the ski jumpers should wear skinny jeans and boob hoodies over their suits. Goose, take dictation… Give ski jumpers skinny jeans and boob hoodies before we leave. No, sell the ski jumpers skinny jeans and boob hoodies before we leave.) But I digress! Olympics could be funner. To protest the fatties, I’m vowing to eat only one half of one container of McDonald’s chili sauce between now and the end of the Games. I wish I’d vowed to eat a whole one.

Posted in Laffs | 82 Comments

82 Responses

on February 24, 2010 at 9:01 pm mcguffers

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

You had me at “Goose, take dictation…”

And I keep making fun of boob hoodies, but I can not for the life of me say the words together quickly. It always comes out like “bub hoodies.”
on February 24, 2010 at 9:22 pm Kathleen

I can see why Crunchy needs an admin. He’s got a lot going on. (So that’s why Goose sometimes wears glasses!)
on February 24, 2010 at 9:27 pm mcguffers

Goose sometimes wears glasses because someone out there LOVES me.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:01 pm Pookie

Hey, bub hoodies work, too. Or bubbe hoodies. Those are for when the Refinery Dot Com wants to woo the coveted Jewish grandmother demo.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:02 pm Schnookie

It always comes out like “bub hoodies.”

Just pretend that “U” has a “long vowel” line over it, and you’re all good. :P

And Goose wears glasses sometimes because he’s the classic sexy secretary. We have to take courses in that when we start out in the profession.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:11 pm Kathleen

Aaaaaaaand now I can’t get out of my head the image of Goose crossing and uncrossing his legs in a pencil skirt.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:18 pm Tim

I just found out today that in addition to Tore Vikingstadt, a guy with the nickname The Hobbit Wizard is playing for Norway. I’m like 125% sure Tolkien put their team together.

Ski jumpers are sooo fat, it’s like watching zeppelin crashes.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:23 pm Schnookie

Ski jumpers are sooo fat, it’s like watching zeppelin crashes.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: They are TOTAL fatties.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:27 pm Myra

I think y’all were talking about this earlier but I’m too lazy to look it up, but I loved every one of the outfits that I saw in the women’s short program last night. Especially the Korean in the lead and that poor Canadian girl who just lost her mom. Gorgeous! I just felt the need to share that. Thank you.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:30 pm Pookie

Myra, did you even love the one that involved the person wearing a frilly baby headband around her neck? I’m going to start wearing that at work.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:36 pm Schnookie

I am just THRILLED (it goes without saying) that the first-place chick (lady? Is that what I’m supposed to call her?) skated to JAMES BOND MUSIC. That ROCKS.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:42 pm Myra

Um, I think I missed the baby headband, but if it work… no sorry, DON’T DO IT POOKIE!!! :P
on February 24, 2010 at 10:43 pm Myra

And I loved the James Bond music!
on February 24, 2010 at 10:44 pm Myra

And I don’t think we should let Crunchy see the bobsled chics. I don’t think he could handle it.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:47 pm Schnookie

And I don’t think we should let Crunchy see the bobsled chics. I don’t think he could handle it.

Yeah, he looks at them and thinks, “They don’t need boob hoodies, they need boob tarps.”
on February 24, 2010 at 10:50 pm mcguffers

You know what fashion we should not promote? Ovechkin wearing hipster gear with 8′s in their designs. Just when I think I can’t like him less. Well played, Ovie. Well played.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:53 pm Myra

mcguffs, I think it’s safe to say that all of us will be passing on the Ovie hipster gear.
on February 24, 2010 at 10:56 pm mcguffers

You say that now, Myra, but just wait till you see the boob hoodies with the sideways 8.
on February 24, 2010 at 11:02 pm Myra

OOoooph.
on February 24, 2010 at 11:04 pm Tim

You say that now, Myra, but just wait till you see the boob hoodies with the sideways 8.

There’s a Buzz Lightyear/mammary joke in there somewhere, but I’m too tired to start digging for it.
on February 24, 2010 at 11:18 pm Pookie

but just wait till you see the boob hoodies with the sideways 8.

Crunchy’s like, “Infinity scarves are hot, why not infinity boob hoodies?”
on February 24, 2010 at 11:49 pm Meg

I think this is the best “dispatch” yet.
on February 25, 2010 at 9:24 am Pookie

Aw, thanks Meg! Crunchy makes it pretty easy. :D

Man, it is disgusting here! It’s raining slush. It looks gorgeous, but the roads are awful. I was so pissed on my drive here, because the slow line was fine. You could go 65 without a problem. But because it was snowing, all these folks were going 50. Only, you couldn’t pass them because the fast lane was covered in 2″ of slush which caused my car to lose control. I discovered a very helpful feature — when the car is swerving out of control, the car emits high-pitched rapid beeps. You know, just in case you hadn’t realized the view through your windsheild was “leftlane NO! rightlane! NOLEFTLANE! Wheeeeeee!” Heh.
on February 25, 2010 at 9:34 am Amy

Crunchy would be beside himself if he saw some of the mens bobsledders. Some of those gentlemen in their unisuits are redefining the phrase “ten pounds in a five pound bag.”

And I’m surprised he hasn’t refined theRalph Lauren USA gear into skinny leggings and boob hoodies.
on February 25, 2010 at 9:36 am Myra

when the car is swerving out of control, the car emits high-pitched rapid beeps.

As if you aren’t already freaking out, let’s make the car make really loud sounds like it’s going to explode.

“leftlane NO! rightlane! NOLEFTLANE! Wheeeeeee!” Heh.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
on February 25, 2010 at 9:42 am Pookie

As if you aren’t already freaking out, let’s make the car make really loud sounds like it’s going to explode.

Yup! Hey, why not?
on February 25, 2010 at 11:08 am SueNJ97

As if you aren’t already freaking out, let’s make the car make really loud sounds like it’s going to explode.

Apparently, there’s lots of safety technology coming out that will be helpful (well, let’s face it, they are going to stop you from driving at all and the car is going to drive). But, for now, this is the manufacturer’s ‘compromise’, the car makes awful nioses to tell you something is wrong, as if you couldn’t already tell, without actually doing anything to solve the problem.
on February 25, 2010 at 11:09 am Mags

when the car is swerving out of control, the car emits high-pitched rapid beeps.

As if you aren’t already freaking out, let’s make the car make really loud sounds like it’s going to explode.

All of which will combine to make your dog (should you have one in the car at the time as I did) howl uncontrollably. An assault on all your senses! It must be fun, because isn’t that what people get into rollercoasters for? And they’re fun, ergo swerving+loud noise(+upset animals)= HILARITY.
on February 25, 2010 at 11:31 am Myra

Oh, you forgot sheer terror, Mags.

My car is so old it doesn’t have any of those bells and whistles. I’m the one that provides the loud noises when the car is swerving out of control. Glad to know I won’t need to do that with my next car.
on February 25, 2010 at 11:41 am Patty (in Dallas)

I’m the one that provides the loud noises when the car is swerving out of control.

I haven’t swerved in my new car yet. Now I’m even more scared to! If it starts beeping and wailing and generally freaking out more than I am, I’ll probably drive right into the Jersey barrier. ;P
on February 25, 2010 at 11:41 am Patty (in Dallas)

Woops. There was supposed to be a :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: for Myra’s quote. @@@
on February 25, 2010 at 11:42 am Amy

My car bells and whistles when I get within the mileage window of needing an oil change. To make it even worse, it does it every time I start the car until the mechanic resets the computer after he does the work.
on February 25, 2010 at 11:46 am Myra

Ouch, Amy, that is annoying. Mine just has a light that changes colors.
on February 25, 2010 at 11:51 am Patty (in Dallas)

My car bells and whistles when I get within the mileage window of needing an oil change.

Uh-oh! After about 3 years, I only get my oil changed when I get it inspected every year. This does not bode well. I’m starting to think I should have kept my ’99 Corolla!
on February 25, 2010 at 11:56 am Myra

I’m starting to think I should have kept my ‘99 Corolla!

Sounds like it. Who knew new cars were such control freaks!
on February 25, 2010 at 12:06 pm Pookie

Patty, my 2005 Toyota just has a little light to tell me I’m at my service call miles. It’s very demure.
on February 25, 2010 at 12:13 pm SueNJ97

You can still get cars that don’t make the noises – but, oddly enough, have the basic safety features standard. I have a recent Mazda 3 (went for the hatchback instead of the sedan) and I bought it because it has anti-skid, stability control and ABS brakes standard. However, it doesn’t make any of the noises, it does tell me when something is wrong with specific warning lights but no noises. I have to look them up.

No beeping for the oil change. I have to remember the mileage.

I drove everything in the compact class and this was the best to drive – better than the Toyota Corolla and the Honda Civic – and the only one that came with all the safety features standard. The mileage wasn’t as good but I don’t drive enough for it to matter.
on February 25, 2010 at 12:24 pm andrew

My truck is a base model, 1997. No lights, no computer, no nothin’!

doesn’t even have a fuel light.

Also, man…what a great bunch of games last night! Except for the CAN/RUS game. That was kinda boring. Everything else was awesome. Especially Sweden and Slovakia. Except that I was rooting for Sweden. But it’s cool.
on February 25, 2010 at 12:29 pm Mags

My car is… I don’t have a car. I used to have a Wrangler, but I didn’t need it, so I gave up it. I do have a Batavus Personal Bike LX though! It’s silver, with 7 gears, wider than average tires, and can carry up to 100kg. And it’s got my initials in the frame, which I really like :D It doesn’t make any fancy noises, but I do need to take it in for repairs because the snow and frost broke 3 of the gears.
on February 25, 2010 at 12:30 pm Amy

No beeping for the oil change.

I just spend a lot of time telling Roy (my car) to STFU. It’s awfully therapeutic during hockey season, especially when Roy-Z pisses me off. Heh.
on February 25, 2010 at 12:31 pm andrew

I just spend a lot of time telling Roy (my car) to STFU.

But the real question is, does your car pronounce his name like Derek or Patrick?
on February 25, 2010 at 1:02 pm Amy

But the real question is, does your car pronounce his name like Derek or Patrick?

When the car talks back, I’ll let you know. :P
on February 25, 2010 at 1:50 pm SueNJ97

When the car talks back, I’ll let you know. :P

If it tells you it can’t hear you because the piston rings are blocking the sound of your voice, you know it’s Patrick.
on February 25, 2010 at 1:53 pm Tim

I can’t wait to get a car. My feet don’t beep randomly nearly enough for my tastes.
on February 25, 2010 at 1:53 pm Meg

My car is… I don’t have a car.

Same here, Mags. But the last car I did have (a ’99 Subaru which my sister is still driving) had none of those things. Man, by the time I have a car again (years and years from now) they’ll be voice activated or something crazy like that and I just won’t know what to do.

Pookie, we’re getting pretty much the same kind of snow here and it’s totally cruddy.

Also, cruddy, I’m currently on jury duty. Blech.
on February 25, 2010 at 1:55 pm Meg

If it tells you it can’t hear you because the piston rings are blocking the sound of your voice, you know it’s Patrick.

:^::::::::::::::::::::::

And if it claims that it’s hubcaps aren’t nearly stylish enough that’s probably Derek.
on February 25, 2010 at 1:59 pm carolbrowne

Ouch, Amy, that is annoying. Mine just has a light that changes colors.

We have that, plus something that smell funny – like chemicals or burning plastic. Thanks Hyundai!

What’s that smell? OH GOD.
on February 25, 2010 at 2:00 pm carolbrowne

Especially Sweden and Slovakia.

I know, right? Who saw that coming? Slovakia won? CRAZY. But I’m very excited for them. I love the underdogs.
on February 25, 2010 at 2:05 pm carolbrowne

Also, cruddy, I’m currently on jury duty. Blech.

So many people around here get called to do jury duty. That’s nuts! Sorry, Meg. At least you’re not sequestered or anything.
on February 25, 2010 at 2:06 pm Mags

My feet don’t beep randomly nearly enough for my tastes.

They do make special shoes to make up for that sort of deficit.

If it tells you it can’t hear you because the piston rings are blocking the sound of your voice, you know it’s Patrick.

And if it claims that it’s hubcaps aren’t nearly stylish enough that’s probably Derek.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::: *grin* that’s the sort of conversation you can only find here :D
on February 25, 2010 at 2:07 pm Meg

At least you’re not sequestered or anything.

That would suck. I’m hoping not to be selected at all. I just want to sit here for a couple days and then go back to my regular life, thank you very much.

I know, right? Who saw that coming? Slovakia won? CRAZY.

Yeah, I totally thought that would be no big problem for Sweden. Slovakia is having a great tournament.
on February 25, 2010 at 2:17 pm andrew

But I’m very excited for them. I love the underdogs.

Me too. Even though they knocked out Sweden, I’m happy for them. I guess this is already their best showing in Olympic hockey history. That’s cool.

Are you still gonna root for them tomorrow? They’ll certainly be the underdog against Canada.
on February 25, 2010 at 2:23 pm carolbrowne

Are you still gonna root for them tomorrow? They’ll certainly be the underdog against Canada.

Um. No? But, it will be a good fight, won’t it? They are worthy adversaries.

I think I’m going to go get a job as a diplomat.
on February 25, 2010 at 2:23 pm SueNJ97

I was sorry to see the Czechs lose, just because of Patty Elias. But, the penalties they were taking made me think they were channeling Colin White and Jamie Langenbrunner (when Jamie is a Devil and not, apparently, when he’s Captain America).

I can’t help it, as a NJ fan I was pleased to see Lundqvist get the boot. Otherwise I had no issue w/Sweden. I just wanted to see their goalie destroyed.
on February 25, 2010 at 2:32 pm andrew

They are worthy adversaries.

Either a diplomat or some sort of 18th century warrior.

Otherwise I had no issue w/Sweden. I just wanted to see their goalie destroyed.

Yeah, I’m not a huge Lundqvist fan either. But I love Tallinder, obviously. And I’m not afraid to say that I’m totally gay for Douglas Murray. That guy is the most entertaining hockey player in the history of ever.
on February 25, 2010 at 2:36 pm carolbrowne

18th century warrior.

Hey. That job sounds funner.
on February 25, 2010 at 3:23 pm Mags

Otherwise I had no issue w/Sweden. I just wanted to see their goalie destroyed.

You and me both, my dearest. It warms the cockles of the black, bottomless, soul sucking hole where my heart ought to be.

I’m not afraid to say that I’m totally gay for Douglas Murray. That guy is the most entertaining hockey player in the history of ever.

Oh Dog Murray :D He’s got an interesting sense of style. One of my knitterly friends told me he wore something she called “snakepants”. I’ve never been able to determine exactly what she means by it, she just says “Just that. Snakepants” every time I ask.
on February 25, 2010 at 3:26 pm Amy

that’s the sort of conversation you can only find here :D

And that’s why this place is so great.

I’m also amused that Crunchy has become quite the tabloid darling with these Olympics. He’s made People for cripes sake!
on February 25, 2010 at 3:30 pm Myra

Snakepants

In the 80′s that would have been tight leather pants made from snake skin that all the rocker dudes wore. Now, I have no idea.
on February 25, 2010 at 3:32 pm Myra

I was surprised at who his girlfriend is. Not the type chic I had pictured with him. Not that I blame him, she is gorgeous. But I wasn’t expecting someone so volumptous. I definitely thought he would go for the Twiggy type.
on February 25, 2010 at 3:49 pm andrew

Dog Murray doesn’t try to hit anyone. He just does it. Or other people try to hit him only to end up on their butt. It’s hilarious. The guy is like a side of beef on skates.
on February 25, 2010 at 4:12 pm Schnookie

Hey everybody! My work interwebs seem to dislike IPB these days (it doesn’t block WordPress, it just doesn’t let anything load when I’m trying to be all bloggerly. Sneaky, employer. Veeeerrrrry sneaky), so I feel so out of touch! But my boss sent me home early thanks to this snow hurricane (that resembles very much a regular snowy day, but I’m not complaining). Woo hoo!

And that’s my story. I have nothing to add to beeping cars, opinions on the Olympic hockey, Dog Murray, or really anything. I think you guys said it all. :D

(Oh, and Meg, Boomer has jury duty the week after next! It’s an epidemic!)
on February 25, 2010 at 4:50 pm andrew

I have nothing to add to beeping cars, opinions on the Olympic hockey, Dog Murray, or really anything. I think you guys said it all.

Just stopping by to say, “Carry on.” I like it. It’s a very hands-off management style you have there. It’s very progressive in a “letting the inmates run the asylum” sort of way.
on February 25, 2010 at 4:55 pm Pookie

Yup. Just know we have a very sophisticated security camera set-up, so don’t get too crazy (i.e. we’ll know if you all start saying Pando doesn’t belong in the NHL).
on February 25, 2010 at 4:55 pm Schnookie

Exactly, andrew! I’m glad you understand. :D
on February 25, 2010 at 4:57 pm Mags

Boooo Schnookie’s employer. Booooo! Them dastardly douche canoes!

Right, I’m pooped out. I’ve been forced to relinquish control over a University project, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. Is there hockey on tonight? Women’s medals, right? No idea, can’t watch it anyway. I’m rambling. Should stop and go to bed.

Oh, btw, I’ve got a question. One of my housemates studies fashion or somesorts, and wants to know what you think is the most decadent sports uniform you’ve ever seen. I thought the Vikings (there’s a Dutch saying about decadence=”pimpelpaars met gouden randjes”=”bright purple with gold trimming” and well, the Vikings have that), but I’m sure you can come up with something better. If you want. You don’t have to.

Right. Rambling. Bed. I’m sorry about jury duty and crappy slushy snow.
on February 25, 2010 at 4:59 pm Schnookie

I’ve been forced to relinquish control over a University project, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

Oooh, that is the WORST! You’re making me glad anew that I’m done with college. :P

And I’ll have to think about the most decadent sports uni I’ve ever seen. Or even just the ugliest. That’s a tough call…
on February 25, 2010 at 5:02 pm Mags

You’re making me glad anew that I’m done with college.

I’m glad :) *chanting* Twomoreyearstwomoreyearstwomoreyears. And then the delightful path to RA-ship.
on February 25, 2010 at 5:10 pm alix

Whooooooo CANADA CA-NA-DA!

I was distraught my Swedish darlings were out. But I also love Slovakia and this newly freaking awesome Pavol Demitra. I swear they must have injected him with something as they fixed his shoulder. Awesome.

The guy is like a side of beef on skates.

Thick, tasty beef that I’d like to- wait what? Sorry Saskatoon airport! And I’m a vegetarian! My word.
on February 25, 2010 at 5:27 pm Tim

Mags, you’re totally welcome to take control of my project, lord knows I’m sick of it.

For decadent sports jerseys, I suggest you look through Stade Francais’ closet. Pink jerseys, Andy Warhol-style French queens, flowers, it’s all there and more.

You may also enjoy their nude calendar, something about the stereotype of Parisians as gay.
on February 25, 2010 at 5:34 pm Mags

you’re totally welcome to take control of my project, lord knows I’m sick of it.

Careful what you wish for, mate. I’m kind of a perfectionist control freak. You might get a bit more than you bargained for.

(I swear, I’m going to bed. Now. No calendars. Saskatoon Airport, fret not about me.)
on February 25, 2010 at 5:56 pm andrew

Just know we have a very sophisticated security camera set-up, so don’t get too crazy

Guess I’d better stop stealing the post-its.

Thick, tasty beef that I’d like to- wait what? Sorry Saskatoon airport! And I’m a vegetarian! My word.

Hey alix! Haven’t talked to you in a bit. How are ya? Also, you go girl. Dog Murray approves.
on February 25, 2010 at 6:05 pm alix

Hey andrew! Yeah long time no “talk”. I’m good. Enjoying the Olympics and all that. Congrats on your baby boy :) You and Tracie must be so excited.

Dog Murray is one of the most wonderful people alive.
on February 25, 2010 at 6:21 pm andrew

Congrats on your baby boy :) You and Tracie must be so excited.

Thank you! We are!

Dog Murray is one of the most wonderful people alive.

Seconded. I love RudyKelly’s love letters to him. Shit cracks me up.
on February 25, 2010 at 6:48 pm Kathleen

I thought the Vikings (there’s a Dutch saying about decadence=”pimpelpaars met gouden randjes”=”bright purple with gold trimming” and well, the Vikings have that), but I’m sure you can come up with something better. If you want. You don’t have to.

Well, the Kings have purple AND a crown on their uniforms, but I feel like we can do much worse. Hmm. It’s much easier to think of uniforms that are merely ugly rather than all-out ostentatious. (And I nominate the Bronco’s retro unis for ugliest. Eeesh.)
on February 25, 2010 at 6:51 pm Kathleen

I definitely thought he would go for the Twiggy type.

I would have assumed Crunchy only dated professional slam poets and vegan cookbook writers.
on February 25, 2010 at 6:56 pm Schnookie

You guys, we were just stripped of our human essence — our power went out. For maybe half a minute. It was AWFUL. If it goes out again for much more than that, I don’t think I’ll survive. Heh.
on February 25, 2010 at 6:56 pm Pookie

There’s probably some team in Dubai that has solid gold uniforms.
on February 25, 2010 at 7:10 pm Amy

Thick, tasty beef that I’d like to- wait what? Sorry Saskatoon airport! And I’m a vegetarian! My word.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

As for the decadent sports unis, the Habs prison striped jammies seem to pop into my head. There’s also the powder blue retro San Diego Chargers uniforms. Or maybe I’m getting hideous mixed up with decadent.

And I’m trying to figure out why a member of the Dallas Cowboys is following me on Twitter. I’m kind of at a loss.
on February 25, 2010 at 7:11 pm Myra

Oh! Ookies! I hope your power doesn’t go out again. It is the worst! We are so electricity dependent around here, it’s awful.

How is the Snowicane? Has it settled down some?

I got nothing on decadent unis. Hmm.
on February 25, 2010 at 7:11 pm carolbrowne

There’s probably some team in Dubai that has solid gold uniforms

So…heavy…can’t…skate….CLANK!
on February 25, 2010 at 7:21 pm Schnookie

So…heavy…can’t…skate….CLANK!

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

And thanks, Myra. The Snowicane is strange. It wasn’t very snowy at all, despite the fact that it snowed all day, but now the wind is picking up. And it’s cold enough that the snow isn’t melting on contact with the ground anymore. I guess the meat of the storm is still to come, hopefully when I’m asleep and can’t freak out about how afraid I am of losing power. :P