1. At one point in its long history, it served as the mustache of a mid-level courtier in Tsar Alexander II’s court.
2. Davy Crockett’s coonskin cap thinks the wig hung the moon and the stars.
3. It doesn’t care if you know it’s a wig.
4. The first incarnation of the wig had strands with a tensile strength less than that of candy floss. It took fifteen crew members working with the precision of a highly-trained Formula 1 pit crew to move it to keep it from being damaged.
5. It is a pacifist, and protested the violent message of its most famous wearer. “Walker, Texas Ranger” had to keep a conflict mediator on staff to keep tensions between it and Chuck Norris low.
6. Ironically, it cannot find Texas on a map.
7. Coincidentally, when laid flat, it is shaped exactly like Texas.
8. When rolled up, i.e. in “travel mode”, it is shaped exactly like Italy.
9. It had final say on the “Walker, Texas Ranger” scripts in the final three seasons. If the show had managed to get renewed for one more season, it would have gotten a producer credit.
10. After the show was canceled, it unwound from the grind of television by living on the back of a Mongolian yak.
11. After a mishap shooting a scene involving a fireball explosion in a fender bender, it demanded the network renegotiate its contract to give it three full-time stunt doubles. Two of them were made from the pelts of stray dogs.
12. If Walker’s wig could dance a jig it would be a jig a pig could dig.
13. It hated Chuck Norris’s beard with the passion of a thousand suns. When the cameras weren’t rolling, the two refused to speak to one another.
14. It can solve a Rubik’s cube in 9 hours. This may not seem impressive, but it is a world record for wigs.
15. In 2008 it was enshrined in the Toupee Hall of Fame, which is, understandably, in a secret location.
16. It auditioned for the role of “Horned-Hat Embellishment” in Wagner’s original production of The Ring Cycle, but lost out in the final casting call to “Long Blond Braids”, a fresh-faced starlet in the wig acting world.
17. Before its humbling stint in rehab for drug and alcohol addiction, it deeply and vocally resented all of Walker’s hats. After rehab, it was better able to accept being part of a team.
18. While at a mixer at the 1717 World Hair Invitational Gala (or W.H.I.G.), it suggested to Blackbeard’s beard that it try adding sparklers to its routine to up its fear factor.
19. Its hobbies include fishing, hunting, golfing, and driving in convertibles with the top up.
20. It caused a scandal when, at the height of Walker’s popularity, it was caught on film stumbling, high on cocaine, out of Rapunzel’s Gentlehair’s Club in Atlanta, GA.
21. It thinks Ted Danson’s wig is a complete hack.
22. Ted Danson’s wig thinks it’s just jealous it doesn’t have any shows in syndication.
23. It has sailed across all the oceans, never on the same person.
24. It has been arrested on three different occasions for its role in illegal fake mustache-fighting rings.
25. It has employed a psychic to help it investigate the possibility that it was a Pharaoh’s wig in ancient Egypt in a past life.
26. One memorable Halloween, it dressed as an updo.
27. It has a master’s degree in Romantic English poetry.
28. It inspired Rothko’s “Orange, Red, Yellow”.
29. It weighs 35 pounds.
30. It once ballooned up to 78 pounds for a dinner-theater production of “Working Girl”.
31. To enhance its employment opportunities in the 21st century, it had itself digitized; it now has a state-of-the-art system that allows it to change colors with the flip of a switch. After being limited to roles that match its “golden retriever” hue in the past, now it can play anything from cornsilk to titian to raven.
32. It once spent three days in the hospital after having a balloon rubbed on it.
33. At the height of it’s “Walker, Texas Ranger” popularity it was infamous in the industry for its over-the-top demands, including having its trailer filled with yellow roses, being treated to bowls of only orange Reeses Pieces, and being brushed with only antique ivory wig combs.
34. It struggled to climb the social ladder during the 18th century because, when powdered, it still looked “golden retriever”.
35. Due to crippling fears of its recurring nightmare about wind tunnels, it developed an addiction to sleeping pills in the late ’80s.
36. It can sense sadness.
37. It developed its own discipline of head-only martial arts.
38. It can’t swim.
